They Said What?

Have you ever been in a meeting, watched TV or listened to sports radio and heard something that just made you shake your head?  Well, I have (although to be totally honest, sometimes I am the one saying the words).  Here are the most cringe-worthy comments from Business, Sports and Television.

In Business

• So and So “Threw somebody under the bus”

Really, is this the best analogy we can come up with here?  So we are equating the grade school “I’m telling on you” to forceably putting someone under 12 tons of metal.  I’ve heard that phrase so many times that you would think bus drivers would be on the most wanted list in the post office or that if you are out at a bar and someone asks you what you do, you would say anything to avoid saying your a bus driver..."What do you do?"..."Well, I...um...I clean lint out of laudromat dryers".  "OK, at least you're not a bus driver".

• “At the end of the day” we need to …

Are we talking about having something due at EOD?  If so, do we mean a working day or 11:59pm?  What about time zones?  Or are we referring to the statement “At the end of the day” as “in summary”.  Are we just summarizing today or should we look further ahead?  Why not say, at the end of the week? Or how about end of the year?

• We need to “Push the envelope”

We need to push the envelope?  Push it where?  And what is in the envelope to begin with?

In Sports

• Sports “Guarantees”

OK, Joe Namath famously did this right before Superbowl III against the heavily favored Baltimore Colts, however, since then it has become overused and without consequences.  Here are a few that come to mind:

• Milwaukee Bucks guard Sam Cassell guaranteed his Milwaukee team would beat Detroit on April 17, 2002.  The  outcome: The Bucks lost the game by a 34-point margin
• Atlanta Hawks coach Lon Kruger guaranteed season ticket holders a $125 refund if the team failed to make the playoffs.  The outcome:  The Hawks went through two coaches (Kruger and Terry Stotts) on its way to a 35-47 record

I am keeping my eye on Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert guarantee’s the Cav’s will win an NBA title before Lebron James & Rex Ryan Guarantee’s the Jets will win the Superbowl this year (whereas the last two years he only “Said” they would.

I could ask for the days of Gladiators where if a gladiator guaranteed victory and did not deliver, he was actually eaten by Lions.  However, in lieu of that, how about if you guarantee a victory and you lose, then you forfeit all your salary for that game?  That would make it more meaningful.  That leads me to…

• It’s not about the money. 

Do I really need to elaborate?  Even people who “don’t do it for the money” are making $100M and gave up that extra $1M because they are all about the team.  Awww shucks, he isn't about the money afterall!

• This Game is a Must Win.

Every game is not a must win.  Case in point, it’s week 2 and the 1-0 Jets are playing the 1-0 Jaguars and QB Mark Sanchez of the Jets calls the game a MUST WIN.  What?  Are you kidding me?  A must win is when you are going to be eliminated from the playoffs, a Must Win is the superbowl, a must win is NOT week 2 of the NFL season.

On Television

Ever watch TV and hear something and say to yourself…what?  How about

• On the news when a newscaster says “Details just ahead”.  Really? Details?  Good I was expecting some vague references with little to support it.
• When a newscaster says "Coming up on the other side".  The other side of what?  A commercial?
• “We are going to ask the hard hitting questions”.  As opposed to fluff?  Of course your not, you know why, because then no one will come on your show.
• And while not the news, if I hear one more dating reality show contenstant refer to their 3 weeks of publically filmed faux-romance as a "Journey" I just might vomit.  Oh damn…someone get me a bucket.

Unintended Consequences of Fantasy Football

I got into Fantasy Football several years ago and must say that I am hooked.  I looked forward every year to the draft and it keeps me interested week in and week out (without taking up too much time).  However, there have been some unintended consequences of fantasy football that has impacted how I view the game as well as “my teams”.

• Unlike in the past, when I really couldn’t care less about anyone other than my team (the Oakland Raiders) or rooting for whoever was playing the NY Giants, I am now interested in pretty much every single game on the schedule. It could be the Cincinnati Bengals versus the Carolina Panthers and I actually care. Not about who wins the game (I mean let’s be real people) but about who scores and doesn’t score. Who knows, I may have A.J. Green of the Bengals (Damn you Carson Palmer for your fake retirement) and need him to score to win my week.

• I root for injuries.  OK it sounds kinda bad, perhaps sadistic. But, If Chris Johnson gets hurt, not only does my opponent lose out on any points but I have his backup on my roster.  Do I have a thought to how he or others will make a living if they are permanently hurt?  Well, actually no, they have their free college education to fall back on right?

• It complicates my personal loyalties.  For example, I sometimes root against my own team.  Now, I don’t want them to lose, but if I have the opposing QB, I am hoping it’s a shoot out.  If my opponent has Darren McFadden, I don’t want the Raiders to gain any yards on the ground or score any rushing touchdowns, I only want them to throw the ball (and not to McFadden).  If the raiders score (and its McFadden) I have mixed reactions.  It like doing “the wave” but only getting up a couple of inches off the seat and raising my hands similar to how the Queen of England waves to her loyal subjects.

• I hate the word committee more than a freshmen independent representative in the US Senate.  Of course I refer to the word committee as it’s used in the football sense – specifically, “running back by committee”.  For example, when a coach lets a runner like Ray Rice get all the yards between the 20’s yet when they get within the 5 yard line, they put in a different back to get them over the goal line.  Or when certain coaches employ a running back by committee strategy and everyone gets a turn to preserve the health of the backs.  The Carolina Panthers do this and last week the Packers did it.  I actually look for the Jersey number and then decide if I root for the handoff or not.  I root against the committee member that I don’t have so the coach will think to abandon it and go with “my guy”.  Or if all else fails, there is my personal “Injury rain dance”.

• I recognize players that I would never have known about previously.  Sure, most people know Tom Brady (at least as the guy who abandoned his pregnant girl-friend) or Plaxico Burress (again perhaps as the guy who was so stupid he shot himself in the foot with a concealed handgun & got sentenced to prison).  But, how about the tight end from the Seattle Seahawks?  The placekicker for the Falcons?  The defensive end from the Lions? The Water Boy from Arizona? Yep, I know them all (well except for that placekicker).

• I subscribe to NFL Red Zone.  Basically this is a TV channel for people with severe attention deficit disorder – or someone hooked on Fantasy Football.  It basically switches through the games like a crack head switches needles.  Oh wait, that wouldn’t be that often, so let me re-phrase that.  It switches through games like Elizabeth Taylor switches Husbands (8 if you didn’t know).  The channel will show every score of every game and switch when a team gets into the red zone (hence the name). By the way, Red Zone is within the 20 yard line. Sure, it’s probably a nightmare if you have Epilepsy, but otherwise, well worth it!

Guilty Pleasures Part II - Music

Guilty Pleasures Part II – Songs

As a "companion piece" to my post on movies, I have certain songs that if they came on the radio, I wouldn’t necessarily change the channel (although I may roll up the window so no one else hears).  OKAY, OKAY I admit it, these songs are on my I-pod & I willingly listen to them from time to time.  No, they are not my favorite songs of all time, they are not my most played songs ever, but for some reason, I sometimes get into a mood, especially on the treadmill, and they are there for me!  Also, if anyone ever asked what I was listening to or grabbed my ear-buds, I would quickly switch over to my “safety” playlist which would include multiple songs from Bon Jovi & Sweet Home Alabama.  However, my guilty pleasure playlist would include:

The Climb – Miley Cyrus:   I know, it's Hannah Montana.  Actually I think this song is really from a Hannah Montana movie but it’s actually kind of uplifting.  I can jog along on the treadmill pushing through because ”the struggles I’m facing, sometimes may knock me down, but I’m not breaking” and I just sing away.  I also try not to pay attention to the parents who are quickly gathering up their children and running away from the crazy guy singing Hannah Montana.

All of the Above - Maino: You know, I relate, because “I was raised in the hood, I’m a ghetto survivor, I was facing the charge and willing to bleed…” or something like that.  Perhaps I have misremembered my childhood? 

Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Gotta be honest here.  When I was a kid and this song was popular, I had no idea what Frankie was talking about.  I still try to pretend I don’t know as I listen to it, just so I don’t feel like I have to take a shower in Purell when I am done listening.

Saturday Night - Bay City Rollers: “S-A-T-U-R…D-A-Y Night! I could just put that chorus on repeat, you know the one where they just spell out Saturday and punctuate it with a resounding NIGHT!  I don’t know any other parts of the song – just what day of week it is.  But as a bonus, whenever I had "Saturday" in my grade school spelling contest I would rock it out!

Escape “The Pina Colada Song” - Rupert Holmes.  For a while it was another song in which I didn’t realize the storyline.  When I found out, it only made it better. Although, if we are all honest with each other, the love of Pina Colada’s and getting caught in the rain is not enough to keep a couple together. Is it?

Honorable Mentions:  “mmmmm Bop” – Hanson, “Dancing Queen” - Abba

Guilty Pleasures Part I - Movies

What is a guilty pleasure?  Wikipedia (is there another unverified news source in the world I should be using?) says A guilty pleasure is something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. The "guilt" involved is sometimes simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes.  So when it comes to movies, there are plenty that I enjoy, yet don’t necessarily tell others about.  When people come over, I may remove these DVD’s from the visible shelf and make sure to replace them with Casablanca, To Kill a Mockingbird, & the Shawshank Redemption.  OK – while I may not actually do that, I do have a couple of guilty pleasure movies that I enjoy watching and re-watching without necessarily advertising the fact.

Sydney White:  I might as well say all Amanda Bynes movies although Sydney White is my favorite.  Well at least her old movies. I don’t know, there is something about the very easy to follow and innocent stories that Amanda Bynes movies seem to tell.  Who wouldn’t like a Snow White story set in college with the eventual outcast uprising of the “geeks”.  Yes its formula driven (OK unless you’re Inception or the Matrix, what isn’t…wait, don’t answer that).  I know she can’t stay the young idealist character (or age for that matter) forever – I just hope she doesn’t become another Lindsay Lohan whose early movies I also used to like as guilty pleasures (think Parent Trap and Herbie not post bat-sh*t crazy Lindsay).

Galaxy Quest:  I am a fan of Science Fiction movies and shows.  However, Galaxy Quest, which had a ridiculous Rock Monster and turned the volume up on classic science fiction stereotypes, really had the potential to be too campy and “silly”.  However, I found myself not just laughing (or more like chuckling) but really enjoying this movie.  The movie is about the cast of a space TV show who have to play their roles as the real thing when an alien race needs their help.  It was almost nostalgic how they over-emphasized the stereotypes from the “red-shirted security guards who die in every episode to the fans of the show at a convention who ask questions of the actors like the show was real.  Although in this case, the fans were right.  As a side note, if you never seen William Shatner’s Get a Life skit on Saturday Night Live, go find it on YouTube.

Ready to Rumble: David Arquette & Scott Caan star as wrestling fans who follow around Jimmy King (Oliver Platt) and try to get him to resurrect his career and get his revenge on the wrestlers who did him wrong.  Ready to Rumble is NOT the Wrestler, which is a real movie about fake wrestling (see how I did that).  So, while the Wrestler is a much better film and a pleasure (not a guilty pleasure), Ready to Rumble is campy, poorly acted, immature jokes YET one that doesn’t make me think too hard and still comes away with the predictable and happy conclusion (I was going to write ending but…)

Midnight Madness: The movie featured an event called the “Great All-nighter” with college kids and it did not refer to any lust filled drink fest! OK I may have lost a whole generation brought up on American Pie & Superbad but hey, I was also brought up on Animal House and Porky’s and yet, I still enjoyed this movie.  It has the standard cliques (Nerds, Jocks, Sororities, etc) competing against each other in a cross-town scavenger hunt.  It also had Michael J. Fox in his movie debut (actually listed as Michael Fox in opening credits – but don’t worry he picked up the J. by the end credits.  The movie was cheesy but again, I am drawn back to the innocent fun (see the theme in my guilty pleasures).  The only thing that could have made it better is if Amanda Bynes was alive at the time to star in it.

Private Eyes: What, you never heard of this masterpiece?  Maybe not a popular movie and yes, it does star Mr. Furley (Don Knotts from Three’s Company) as a somewhat dimwitted Sherlock Holmes type character with his sidekick Tim Conway trying to solve a murder.  One of the re-occurring events of the movie are clues in the form of poems – that are supposed to rhyme by they don’t.  For example: Now you will see, I can do something right. I'm going to show you, a killer tonight. I want Phyllis to come to my chamber, and see. Who was the one, who murdered myself

So, as I look through this list, I notice that a common theme is simplistic, innocent movies that are just fun.  Maybe I don’t feel so guilty after all.

Honorable Mentions:  Big Trouble in Little China.  The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh

What Could Have Been

There are certain iconic characters from movies that everyone knows.  Harrison Ford IS Han Solo and basically created one of the best movie lines of all time when he ad-libbed “I know” as a response to Leah’s “I love you”.  Arnold Schwarzenegger IS the Terminator (heck he even became the Governator).  Bruce Willis IS John McLean from Die Hard “Yippi-Ki-yay M*ther F*cker”.   However, things could have been so much different if the decisions made in the casting process (either by the film or by the actors) were slightly different.

• “I’ll Be Back” which was said in that distinct Schwarzenegger accent could just have easily been said in a more gravelly voice and without the accent by Lance Henriksen (from Millennium fame) who was the first choice for the role of the Terminator.
• People have come to see Daniel Radcliff as the quintessential Harry Potter.  However, if the film has gone as Steven Spielberg planned, the kid from AI and the 6^th sense (Haley Joel Osmet) would have been Harry Potter.   Can you imagine the scene when Harry first sees’s nearly headless nick being rewritten for this American born actor?  It would have gone something like this:  Harry enters the room; see’s the Ghost of Nearly Headless Nick and says “I see Dead People”.  That would become Osmet’s “I’ll be back” line.  As a side note, Tim Roth turned down the role of Severus Snape to play General Thade in Planet of the Apes with Marky Mark.  Nice decision Tim.
• Even the great Sean Connery has made several questionable decisions.
• He was offered the role Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings and turned it down because he didn’t get it.  New Line was offering Connery 15% of the worldwide box office, which would have made Mr. Connery around US$400 million.
• He also turned down a role of “The Architect” in the Matrix.
• He accepted the role of Allan Quatermain in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen because “Although I didn’t get it, I saw the success of the other roles I didn’t get and figured it must be good” (Paraphrasing here a bit).
• I can’t be too hard on Connery though, he got the role of James Bond only after Carey Grant turned it down.
• Paul Hogan turned down the Patrick Swayze role in Ghost.  I could just see the dialogue from the Crocodile Dundee actor now…”You call that a Ghost? NOW This is a Ghost”
• Speaking of Ghost, Bruce Willis turned down the role of Sam Wheat in Ghost as well because he didn’t think the plot would work and that playing a ghost would be detrimental to his career.  Uh, yeah, years later the 6^th Sense would ruin him.  Interestingly enough, the role of John McLean was at one point targeted for Richard Gere.  I guess if John McLean was saving Beverly Hills Prostitutes from that building it would make more sense.
• Eddie Murphy turned down a role in Ghost Busters, yet ironically would end up doing Haunted Mansion
• Can you imagine...

• Kurt Russell Christopher Walken, Richard Dryfus, Nick Nolte or Burt Reynolds as Han Solo
• Stephen Baldwin in Speed
• Dustin Hoffman as Michael Corleon in Godfather
• Ewan McGregor or Will Smith as NEO in the Matrix
• Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones (Actually I could)
• Ryan O’Neil or Burt Reynolds for Rocky

I guess you never know how it would work out and if it was different, would we be saying something like “OMG could you imagine that guy from Regarding Henry playing Han Solo!”

5 Greatest Pro-Wrestling Feuds of All Time

I am, and have always been, a pro-wrestling fan. Not many of my friends get it. They don’t understand when I say that it’s another form of a soap opera. These are the same people who ask me how I could like wrestling because it’s “fake”. Yet they don't seem to have any trouble liking movies or TV shows even though Wookies, ET and Superman are also “fake” (As well as the storyline for every Romantic comedy ever written). So it’s just become “one of those things”. When I see wrestling feuds today everything seems so rushed to me as compared to “the good old days” (did I just say that) when feuds built up and played out over time. With that said, I have listed my top 5 feuds of all time in the pro-Wrestling.

#5 Tommy "Wildfire" Rich vs. "Maddog" Buzz Sawyer

Many new fans may not recognize these names or possibly only know Tommy Rich as the guy from the Full Blooded Italians from ECW. But this was THE feud that got me into wrestling. I lived in NJ and got the superstation WTBS so I was able to watch Georgia Championship wrestling. These guys had a feud that lasted years and was as brutal and vicious as anything today in my opinion. This was also the time I thought that wrestling was “real”. I still remember seeing Sawyer hang Rich from the ropes with a rope and thinking OMG someone has to stop this. Yes, some of this may be nostalgic on my part, but from then on I was hooked on wrestling.

#4 The VonErichs vs. the Fabulous Freebirds

Before Michael Hayes became one of the creative guys behind Smackdown, he was a member of the Fabulous Freebirds. Hayes was part of a tag team which also included Buddy Roberts and Terry Gordy and was one of the first wrestlers to use entrance music on their way to the ring. Yes, wrestlers used to come to the ring with no music & no pyro. The Freebirds came into the Dallas area and were a much needed opponent for the popular Von Erich brothers (which is a tragic story that I won’t get into here – but Google it if you don’t know). The Von Erichs were so popular in Texas - think of John Cena (well if you’re a 15 year old girl) and then multiply it by 100. In Dallas it was the Von Erichs and then everyone else. Long story short, Hayes/Gordy turned on Kerry during a match with Ric Flair – and the next thing you know they were headlining and selling out arena after arena. It was an intense feud that finally introduced a worthy and believable opponent for the Von Erichs.

#3 The Four Horsemen vs. Dusty Rhodes

The Four Horsemen were IT! Without the Horsemen there would be no ‘nWo’, no “DX” no Fortune, no “Main Event Mafia” (OK I may be the only person who liked the Mafia). It was a band of stars (all champions) that came together to form the greatest stable in pro wrestling history. There were many iterations of the Horsemen (although I try to forget the Paul Roma era). My favorite is Flair, Arn, Tully & Luger (sorry Barry Windham you came a close second). Anyway, the horsemen feuded with all the good guys at the time - Sting, Nikita Koloff & most importantly a “pre polka dot” American Dream Dusty Rhodes. It was the common man vs. the jet flying, limousine riding…well you probably know the rest. My favorite matches were the “War Games” – although I always hated that the horsemen manager JJ Dillon was involved because you always knew he would be the guy who would submit.

#2 Austin vs. McMahon

You have to remember the context. The WWF was coming off cartoony characterizations and moving into the Attitude era. It lost two of its biggest stars to rival WCW (Hall & Nash) and was in desperate need of stars (and stars that wouldn’t leave). Enter the Ringmaster. Yes, Steve Austin, who was fired from WCW, entered the WWF as the Ringmaster managed by Ted Dibiase. Not only that, he was losing to Savio Vega - - -let me say that again, losing to Savio Vega. Coming off Austin’s King of the Ring win (and famous Austin 3:16 just kicked you’re a$$ speech) he started his climb to main event. It didn’t happen overnight, but once Austin got there, he needed a foil. Enter the evil Mr. McMahon. After the whole Brett Hart incident (Brett screwed Brett) McMahon embraced the villain within and was the perfect bad to Austin’s new version of good. What every day Joe didn’t want to flip off their boss? It was anti-authority and it was great. Austin vs. McMahon in my opinion (with a little bit of DX sprinkled in) was one of the main reasons that WWF finally overtook the sinking ship that was WCW.

#1 WWF vs. WCW (vs. NWA vs. AWA vs. WCCW vs...)

Newer viewers to wrestling may not understand how intense the “wars” between federations were. I am not talking about “fake” invasions or even the nWo vs. WCW intra company battles. The most talked about & publicized was the WCW vs. the WWF Monday night war. Eric Bischoff was giving away the results for Raw’s taped events on Nitro in advance. At one point, Tony Shiovanne told the audience that Mick Foley was going to win the WWF world title before it happened on TV (which ended up having the opposite than desired effect). Most importantly, this feud brought about the “pillaging of talent” where wrestlers would go the highest bidder and also brought about the guaranteed contracts and dreaded creative control. What amuses me is how much Vince McMahon complained about Ted Turner raiding his talent pool and how Vince (and WWF fans) forgot that they did the exact same thing during his national expansion (Hogan, Piper, JYD, basically everyone not named Tito Santana). However, what I miss is not only the Monday night War (I got tired of the constant bickering and don’t get me started on the “Nacho Man and Huckster) but really the existence of the territories. Multiple companies around the country offered fresh starts for talent and a way to re-invent themselves and not get stale within one company. It also provided the ability to learn different styles of wrestling and avoid “cookie cutter” looks and moves. I fear without this competition the biggest loser is the fans.

Honorable Mention:

Brett vs. Shawn (Montreal Screw Job), Hogan vs. Andre the Giant (Ripping the cross off during Pipers pit) & Sgt Slaughter vs. Iron Sheik