The Rules of Football -For The Uninitiated

With football season in full swing, I have taken for granted that everyone is up to speed on the ritual of rooting for a team or player.  However, I know realize that not everyone may know the rules to rooting on Sunday.  Therefore, I have devised a very simple 10 step program to choosing your team.

1.       Unless you live in Texas (and maybe just Dallas) it is never OK to root for the Dallas Cowboys.  Once they dubbed themselves America’s Team, they basically alienated anyone outside of Texas.

2.       If your team is out of the playoff hunt, it is OK to root for any sympathetic team.  For example, the New Orleans saints after Hurricane Katrina and now, the Detroit Lions after a winless season, a depressed economy, a decade of futility and Matt Millen.

3.       If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other is a fan of a team, you cannot become a fan of any other team in their division.  In fact, if you’re not going with their team, you should probably pick another conference – or perhaps root for a soccer team.

4.       It is not OK to pick a team based on the uniform or the “cuteness” of a player; however, you can root against a team because of how a player looks.  For example, Tom Brady and his long hair or Mark Sanchez and his half naked GQ cover spread.

5.       It is OK to like a team based on a cool nickname of a player.  For example, Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is named Megatron, perhaps the coolest nickname ever bestowed onto any player ever! Couple that with #2 and I am on the Lions bandwagon!

6.       However, if a player gives himself his own nickname (i.e. OchoCinco)– they and their team, should NOT be rooted for – unless of course you are Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. Now if Johnson could only put Megatron on his Jersey it would be awesome!

7.     You can dislike a team if they have a rap song. With titles like Lets Ram It (Rams), Can’t Touch Us (Dolphins), Buddy’s Watching You (Eagles).  The exceptions to this rule are the Super bowl Shuffle (Bears) and the Silver and Black Attack (Raiders)

8.      When a retired star player criticizes a current player, it is usually sour grapes (has Joe Theisman ever said anything positive about any QB in the league?). You can therefore root for the team and specifically the player that was criticized.  Please note that if that retired player doing the criticizing wasn’t necessarily a national star (i.e. Merrill Hoge), it is probably an accurate criticism.

9.       It is OK to root against a player on YOUR team if your fantasy football opponent has said player on their roster.  Conversely, you can root for a player on a team you hate if you have that player on your fantasy football team.

10.   As Wesley Snipes says in Passenger 57 - Always bet on (silver &) Black! Oakland Raiders!

There - now go have some fun on Sunday!

Unintended Consequences of Fantasy Football

I got into Fantasy Football several years ago and must say that I am hooked.  I looked forward every year to the draft and it keeps me interested week in and week out (without taking up too much time).  However, there have been some unintended consequences of fantasy football that has impacted how I view the game as well as “my teams”.

• Unlike in the past, when I really couldn’t care less about anyone other than my team (the Oakland Raiders) or rooting for whoever was playing the NY Giants, I am now interested in pretty much every single game on the schedule. It could be the Cincinnati Bengals versus the Carolina Panthers and I actually care. Not about who wins the game (I mean let’s be real people) but about who scores and doesn’t score. Who knows, I may have A.J. Green of the Bengals (Damn you Carson Palmer for your fake retirement) and need him to score to win my week.

• I root for injuries.  OK it sounds kinda bad, perhaps sadistic. But, If Chris Johnson gets hurt, not only does my opponent lose out on any points but I have his backup on my roster.  Do I have a thought to how he or others will make a living if they are permanently hurt?  Well, actually no, they have their free college education to fall back on right?

• It complicates my personal loyalties.  For example, I sometimes root against my own team.  Now, I don’t want them to lose, but if I have the opposing QB, I am hoping it’s a shoot out.  If my opponent has Darren McFadden, I don’t want the Raiders to gain any yards on the ground or score any rushing touchdowns, I only want them to throw the ball (and not to McFadden).  If the raiders score (and its McFadden) I have mixed reactions.  It like doing “the wave” but only getting up a couple of inches off the seat and raising my hands similar to how the Queen of England waves to her loyal subjects.

• I hate the word committee more than a freshmen independent representative in the US Senate.  Of course I refer to the word committee as it’s used in the football sense – specifically, “running back by committee”.  For example, when a coach lets a runner like Ray Rice get all the yards between the 20’s yet when they get within the 5 yard line, they put in a different back to get them over the goal line.  Or when certain coaches employ a running back by committee strategy and everyone gets a turn to preserve the health of the backs.  The Carolina Panthers do this and last week the Packers did it.  I actually look for the Jersey number and then decide if I root for the handoff or not.  I root against the committee member that I don’t have so the coach will think to abandon it and go with “my guy”.  Or if all else fails, there is my personal “Injury rain dance”.

• I recognize players that I would never have known about previously.  Sure, most people know Tom Brady (at least as the guy who abandoned his pregnant girl-friend) or Plaxico Burress (again perhaps as the guy who was so stupid he shot himself in the foot with a concealed handgun & got sentenced to prison).  But, how about the tight end from the Seattle Seahawks?  The placekicker for the Falcons?  The defensive end from the Lions? The Water Boy from Arizona? Yep, I know them all (well except for that placekicker).

• I subscribe to NFL Red Zone.  Basically this is a TV channel for people with severe attention deficit disorder – or someone hooked on Fantasy Football.  It basically switches through the games like a crack head switches needles.  Oh wait, that wouldn’t be that often, so let me re-phrase that.  It switches through games like Elizabeth Taylor switches Husbands (8 if you didn’t know).  The channel will show every score of every game and switch when a team gets into the red zone (hence the name). By the way, Red Zone is within the 20 yard line. Sure, it’s probably a nightmare if you have Epilepsy, but otherwise, well worth it!