A Sneak Peak Inside the New NBA Labor Agreement

The NBA owners and players can’t seem to come to an agreement to end the NBA Lockout.  For some reason players feel that a 50/50 split of the revenue is not fair.  Maybe if they actually went to the classes that their athletic scholarship provided, they might understand that 50/50 is the actual definition of fair.

 

Either way, since the terms of the agreement are still up in the air, I would like to submit my ideas of MUST HAVE rules that should be included in any labor deal.  I think that these rules will not only allow for a greater enjoyment of the game, but will dramatically up the IQ quotient of its players, coaches, owners and viewers all at the same time.

• Players should not be allowed to high-five each other after a missed free throw. You missed one of the easiest shots in a game.  Heck, its called a FREE throw.  You're lucky I didn't say you couldn't high five after MADE free throws.
• In any future labor agreement lockouts or strikes, players should not be allowed to:
• Say that the league is taking food off my families tables as Latrell Sprewell who made $15M a year once said.  Now maybe Latrell just didn’t know where to shop so I have created the following list to aide players if a desire to utter these words exist in the future.  For future reference, if you think you cannot feed your family on $15M, you actually can buy the following:
• 3.75 million Big Macs from McDonalds.  Make it 2.1 if you supersize it & add the meal deal
• 7.3 million Tacos from Taco Bell
• 1.9 million buckets of chicken from KFC
• Players may not make any contextual references to how poor they are as Patrick Ewing once did when he said “Yes, we make a lot of money, but in our defense, we spend a lot of money.'' 
• Players may not talk about how they have to "resort" to getting a "real" job in order to make ends meet as Delonte West recently did when he tweeted that he had to apply for a job at the local Home Depot.  This is coming from a guy who made $8.75M in the past 2 years.  Oh yeah, he is also the same guy who has a plea deal for the time he sped through traffic on I-495 with a loaded 9mm tucked to his belt, a loaded .357 holstered on his leg and a loaded shotgun strapped to his back. I guess he is banking on Home Depot not doing any background check.
• Players cannot compare their own plight to the plight of slaves as the NFL’s Adrian Peterson did.  Adrian, I don’t know what version of Alex Haley’s Roots you have seen, but in my version, Kunta Kinte wasn’t pulling down $11M a year.  Yes, these comments were made by an NFL player and not an NBA one, but, let’s be honest with each other, it’s just a matter of time.
• When its about the money, players cannot say it’s not about the money.  Seriously, why don’t players just say – look, I am going to go to whoever pays me the most.  It would be more honest than 98% of what is said during free agency.  Yes there are exceptions, although some of those exceptions are coming from players who STILL make over $100M. 
• Max players should not be allowed to have agents.  Hey, this is helping them help themselves.  Seriously, how hard is it to say – give my client the maximum allowed contract?
• Players can only wear a suit in blue, black or grey.  Look I am open to new and different styles of clothing.  But, honestly, with the advent of 3D & HDTV’s, I just don’t think I can look at Joakim Noah off the court without going blind.  Of course, I am sure there is bound to be a revolt around this rule very similar to the protest of a dress code by Marcus Camby, who made $8M a year, when he said “I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."
• Players shall be no longer able to “talk trash” when they’re losing by more than 20 points
• Each player must have an official quote writer to avoid saying the following:
• "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." - Charles Shackleford
• "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt
•  "Were going to turn this franchise around 360 degrees!!!" - Jason Kidd
•  "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
• Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." - Doug Collins
• "I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley