The Rules of Football -For The Uninitiated

With football season in full swing, I have taken for granted that everyone is up to speed on the ritual of rooting for a team or player.  However, I know realize that not everyone may know the rules to rooting on Sunday.  Therefore, I have devised a very simple 10 step program to choosing your team.

1.       Unless you live in Texas (and maybe just Dallas) it is never OK to root for the Dallas Cowboys.  Once they dubbed themselves America’s Team, they basically alienated anyone outside of Texas.

2.       If your team is out of the playoff hunt, it is OK to root for any sympathetic team.  For example, the New Orleans saints after Hurricane Katrina and now, the Detroit Lions after a winless season, a depressed economy, a decade of futility and Matt Millen.

3.       If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other is a fan of a team, you cannot become a fan of any other team in their division.  In fact, if you’re not going with their team, you should probably pick another conference – or perhaps root for a soccer team.

4.       It is not OK to pick a team based on the uniform or the “cuteness” of a player; however, you can root against a team because of how a player looks.  For example, Tom Brady and his long hair or Mark Sanchez and his half naked GQ cover spread.

5.       It is OK to like a team based on a cool nickname of a player.  For example, Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is named Megatron, perhaps the coolest nickname ever bestowed onto any player ever! Couple that with #2 and I am on the Lions bandwagon!

6.       However, if a player gives himself his own nickname (i.e. OchoCinco)– they and their team, should NOT be rooted for – unless of course you are Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. Now if Johnson could only put Megatron on his Jersey it would be awesome!

7.     You can dislike a team if they have a rap song. With titles like Lets Ram It (Rams), Can’t Touch Us (Dolphins), Buddy’s Watching You (Eagles).  The exceptions to this rule are the Super bowl Shuffle (Bears) and the Silver and Black Attack (Raiders)

8.      When a retired star player criticizes a current player, it is usually sour grapes (has Joe Theisman ever said anything positive about any QB in the league?). You can therefore root for the team and specifically the player that was criticized.  Please note that if that retired player doing the criticizing wasn’t necessarily a national star (i.e. Merrill Hoge), it is probably an accurate criticism.

9.       It is OK to root against a player on YOUR team if your fantasy football opponent has said player on their roster.  Conversely, you can root for a player on a team you hate if you have that player on your fantasy football team.

10.   As Wesley Snipes says in Passenger 57 - Always bet on (silver &) Black! Oakland Raiders!

There - now go have some fun on Sunday!