For whatever reason, I was thinking about Star Wars and
about the early conversation between Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi. If you recall, Early on, Luke asked Obi Wan how
his father died. You see, Luke was under the impression his Dad was just a
regular working Joe who had died when he was young and that he was raised by
his uncle and aunt. Obi Wan, who actually knows the truth (that
the Evil Darth Vader IS in fact, Luke’s father) say’s “Your father was a Jedi
and another Jedi who turned to evil named Darth Vader betrayed and murdered
your father”.
Yes, some people think that Obi-Wan was just a bit shady
when Luke asked about his dad and he danced around the issue like he was caught
by his girl coming home late, smelling of liqueur and places of
ill-repute. However, if you think about
it, what was he going to say? It was
actually a deep rooted conspiracy that went back many years and involved many co-conspirators
(don’t even get me started on Yoda who loses 1 fight and is like – well, I
tried, time to exile myself). So, for
those of you who think Obi-Wan should have been direct and honest – I offer you
this revisionist conversation between a fresh faced Luke Skywalker who asks his
mentor how his Dad passed way…
Luke: “Hey, Obi-Wan, how did my father die”?
Obi-Wan: “Well I know everyone you have loved and
trusted over the years has told you that your dad died. But, ha ha, you’re actually going to find
this quite funny Luke. Guess what? He’s not dead. Surprise!”
Luke: “Um…come again?”
Ob-Wan:”Well, you know how sometimes
you get mad at your friends and have a fight with them. Well something similar happened between me and your dad. You
see, I had to cut off his arms and his legs on a volcano planet. I probably should have shown him some mercy
since he was just this torso lying in the lava screaming in pain, oh and on
fire, but just I left him there. Hey,
what are friends for, am I right? So,
anyway, I get back to the ship where your pregnant mother was and you were
born.
Luke: “What?”
Obi-Wan: “Yeah, but get this, your mom, who actually
was in perfect health (other than this choking thing) “lost the will to live”. Yeah, I’m not a doctor either but that sounds
kind of fishy to me too. I mean, she
just had a baby and I guess you weren’t enough for her to hang around and take
care of.
Luke: “WHAT?!!!!”
Obi-Wan: “Oh and this is the real kicker. You’re torso of a dad actually didn’t die. Yeah, I know.
He put on a cybernetic suit and became Darth Vader. Yep, the same guy
who has been killing millions. Actually
he has kind of a history. You see, back
in the day he also killed children. We
called them younglings, but you get the picture. Seriously, he couldn’t even get near a playground
without taking out his light saber.
Luke: “WHAT THE *#@%$*!”
Obi-Wan: “Anyhoo…I had to whisk you away and give you
to your step-cousin, who by the way wasn’t married at the time to your aunt Beru,
so who knows how that would have worked out.
But I digress. Anyway, I gave you
to this guy I barely knew and then we all agreed not to tell you who your dad
was or any of your real history so we just made stuff up. “
Luke: *Silence*
Obi-Wan: “Oh, woops, one more thing I failed to
mention. You actually have a sister
too. A twin. Yeah, lots to take in right? Also makes your mom’s choice to not stick
around even more screwed up. Anyway, we
decided that we should split you up from your only living relative and never
tell you that you had a sister, you know, a person you could trust, would have
a shared experience and could talk to about how crazy this is. So I gave her to this rich politician. You may want to keep that in mind just in
case you are ever on an Ice Planet and come across a cute girl and feel like
kissing her on the lips – it may actually be her – and that would be weird.”
End Scene.
OK – Obi-Wan saying that
Vader killed Luke’s dad doesn’t look so bad now does it?
I fully expect to see this parody on Youtube now that it's out there for all the world to consider. ;)
ReplyDeleteIt could start a whole new career for me...fake actor!
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