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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

From a Certain Point of View: Star Wars Revisited


For whatever reason, I was thinking about Star Wars and about the early conversation between Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi.  If you recall, Early on, Luke asked Obi Wan how his father died. You see, Luke was under the impression his Dad was just a regular working Joe who had died when he was young and that he was raised by his uncle and aunt.   Obi Wan, who actually knows the truth (that the Evil Darth Vader IS in fact, Luke’s father) say’s “Your father was a Jedi and another Jedi who turned to evil named Darth Vader betrayed and murdered your father”.   

Yes, some people think that Obi-Wan was just a bit shady when Luke asked about his dad and he danced around the issue like he was caught by his girl coming home late, smelling of liqueur and places of ill-repute.  However, if you think about it, what was he going to say?  It was actually a deep rooted conspiracy that went back many years and involved many co-conspirators (don’t even get me started on Yoda who loses 1 fight and is like – well, I tried, time to exile myself).  So, for those of you who think Obi-Wan should have been direct and honest – I offer you this revisionist conversation between a fresh faced Luke Skywalker who asks his mentor how his Dad passed way…

Luke:   “Hey, Obi-Wan, how did my father die”?

Obi-Wan:  “Well I know everyone you have loved and trusted over the years has told you that your dad died.  But, ha ha, you’re actually going to find this quite funny Luke. Guess what? He’s not dead.  Surprise!”

Luke:  “Um…come again?”

Ob-Wan:”Well, you know how sometimes you get mad at your friends and have a fight with them.  Well something similar happened between me and your dad.   You see, I had to cut off his arms and his legs on a volcano planet.  I probably should have shown him some mercy since he was just this torso lying in the lava screaming in pain, oh and on fire, but just I left him there.  Hey, what are friends for, am I right?  So, anyway, I get back to the ship where your pregnant mother was and you were born. 

Luke:  “What?”

Obi-Wan:  “Yeah, but get this, your mom, who actually was in perfect health (other than this choking thing) “lost the will to live”.  Yeah, I’m not a doctor either but that sounds kind of fishy to me too.  I mean, she just had a baby and I guess you weren’t enough for her to hang around and take care of.

Luke:  “WHAT?!!!!”

Obi-Wan:  “Oh and this is the real kicker.  You’re torso of a dad actually didn’t die.  Yeah, I know.  He put on a cybernetic suit and became Darth Vader. Yep, the same guy who has been killing millions.  Actually he has kind of a history.  You see, back in the day he also killed children.  We called them younglings, but you get the picture.  Seriously, he couldn’t even get near a playground without taking out his light saber. 

Luke:  “WHAT THE *#@%$*!”

Obi-Wan:  “Anyhoo…I had to whisk you away and give you to your step-cousin, who by the way wasn’t married at the time to your aunt Beru, so who knows how that would have worked out.  But I digress.  Anyway, I gave you to this guy I barely knew and then we all agreed not to tell you who your dad was or any of your real history so we just made stuff up. “

Luke: *Silence*

Obi-Wan:  “Oh, woops, one more thing I failed to mention.  You actually have a sister too.  A twin.  Yeah, lots to take in right?  Also makes your mom’s choice to not stick around even more screwed up.  Anyway, we decided that we should split you up from your only living relative and never tell you that you had a sister, you know, a person you could trust, would have a shared experience and could talk to about how crazy this is.  So I gave her to this rich politician.  You may want to keep that in mind just in case you are ever on an Ice Planet and come across a cute girl and feel like kissing her on the lips – it may actually be her – and that would be weird.”

End Scene.

OK – Obi-Wan saying that Vader killed Luke’s dad doesn’t look so bad now does it?

2 comments:

  1. I fully expect to see this parody on Youtube now that it's out there for all the world to consider. ;)

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    Replies
    1. It could start a whole new career for me...fake actor!

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