I Sound Like My Parents

Remember all those things your parents said to you that you swore you would never say? Yeah....how's that working out for ya?

Here are things I have caught myself saying to my kids:

1.  No we are not there yet and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!

2.  Do you want me to pull this car over and go back home?

3.  Don’t make me count to 5.  OK now you’ve done it.  One….two….you better hope I do not get to 5…three….I’m serious…fffffoooooouuuuurrrrr…..OK now you’re in trouble….5!!!

4.  You will eat it and you will like it

5.  I am going to call Santa Claus and tell him you have been bad and to skip our house

6.  Close the door, what do you think I do, heat (or cool) the world?

7.  We are not made of money

8.  If you can’t take care of your toys, I am going to give them to someone who will!

9.  Eat your dinner, there are starving people who would love to have that food

10.For the love of god, will you be quiet for just 5 minutes!!

11.You better stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!

12.When I was your age I didn’t have the things you do

13.Do you ever listen?

14.The only I time I use my kids middle names is when they are in trouble

15.Don’t use that tone of voice with me young man

16.I don’t care who’s fault it was, now you’re all in trouble

17.Why? Because I said so

18.Maybe Later

19.I’m not asleep, I am just resting my eyes

20.If your brother jumped off a bridge, would you too?

21.Just wait till you have kids (mind you, my kids are toddlers)

How To Love A Child - A Daddy's Guide

There are countless books, blogs and advice givers (who the loudest are, ironically, the one's without kids) who "teach" you how you should raise your children.  Since much of this advice centers around encouraging your children, showing them respect and disciplining when necessary but also giving them wings to fly, I don’t feel the need to re-hash that.  Those are probably all written by Mom’s anyway – well, except for the ones written by those who have no children. 

So, let’s look at how to love a child - from a Daddy's perspective!

1.   Build a fort out of couch cushions

2.  Tie a pillow case around your neck and fly like Superman

3.   Let them pop all the bubble wrap

4.   Develop plans to build a space ship (or a Death Star!)

5.   Blow bubbles – and don’t worry if it spills!

6.   Eat dessert first

7.   Hold up you’re pinkie and talk in an English accent when drinking tea

8.   Let them color…outside the lines

9.   “Monsters in your closet you say?” – “Good thing Daddy was hard at work in his secret lab creating his ‘Monster Repellent’.  Now let me spray your room so you can go to sleep!

10. It's OK to say “Yes” even when you don’t want to (sometimes)

11. Try to find them during hide and seek…and fail

12. When your child says “look at me daddy”…look at them…and act really, really impressed no matter what they do

13. Create a drum set out of pots and pans

14. When you shake their hand, wince in pain because they are soooo strong and ask to see their  muscles

15. Tell them that the Cake they made was the BEST EVER (Sorry Mommy!)

16. Have breakfast for dinner

17. Let them pick out their own clothes, and don’t worry if they do not match

18. Act scared when they roar like a dinosaur

19. Teach them the "Superfly Snuka" leap onto the bed
20. Wear the tie they gave you

21. Be interested in what they want to do, not what you want them to do
22. Make up a story - any story, in which "INSERT YOUR CHILD'S NAME HERE" saved the world!

23. Remember what it was like to be a kid

24. Laugh…a lot

36 Things I Have Done That My Kids Will Never Do

 Why 36?  Well, that’s all I could think of. Quit being a conformist.  Now, onto the list!

1.  Manually roll down their car windows

2.  Adjust “rabbit ears” on the TV to get reception

3.  Know how to spell

4.  Use White Out

5.  Put film in their cameras (or get film developed)

6.  Have a dime to make a phone call while on the road

7.  Choose which program to watch on TV

8.  Use an encyclopedia to research a paper

9.  Cash a paycheck (direct deposit!)

10. Use a card catalog at the library

11. Wait years for a movie to come out on broadcast TV so you can see it

12. Cut coupons

13. Read a map

14. Fax something

15. Answer the phone without knowing who is calling first

16. Get up to change the channel on the TV

17. Write a handwritten letter

18. Drive around different stores looking for the best price

19. Negotiate with the whole family to determine what we will watch on TV

20. Have only 3 channels to choose from

21. Use a travel agent

22. Use the white pages to find a number

23. Getting paper 3D glasses from Burger King

24. Dial up their internet connection (screech)

25. Make a mix tape

26. Remember someone’s phone number

27. Be surprised at a movie’s twist ending (damn you internet spoilers!)

28. Not talk to strangers (thank you social media)

29. Put an air conditioner in the bedroom window

30. Go to an arcade

31. Sit through commercials

32. Wear a watch (unless it is an Iwatch)

33. Wait 40 minutes to cook something instead of microwaving it

34. Physically go to a video store to rent a movie

35. Not know how to fix something (Thank you Google)

36. Use cash (or maybe that will be my grandchildren)