The Gym Segmentation Model

I’m not a weightlifter (although I guess technically I lift weights). I am not a runner (a jogger might be a little closer). I am not a gym rat (However, I do belong to a gym). I am not out-of-shape nor am I what I would consider in-shape (not sure they have a name for it other than the standard “I could stand to lose a few pounds). Do I keep a gym journal? No. Do I go to the gym several times a week? Yes. Do I eat healthy (as I chew on a chocolate covered pretzel as I write this…)? No. Have I ever tried a fad? Sure. Those P-90X DVDs are gathering dust next to my Suzanne Summers thigh master right now. I consider myself fairly typical and normal when it comes to working out and going to the gym. So if I, and the people like me are the “normal ones”, who else goes to the gym? Well, there are:

The Screamers: Do you scream while watching a horror movie? Excusable. Do you scream at someone who just cut you off on the highway? Understandable. Do you scream at the top of your lungs every time you lift a weight? Well, then you are either lifting too much weight or you have some very repressed childhood memories you are letting out. Maybe you should see a professional about it.

The Coffee Drinkers: No, these people are not having a literal cup of coffee at each machine – but they might as well be. They look at the machine. They walk up to it. They talk to it. They introduce themselves to it. They sit down on it. They look around the gym. Maybe they pull out their cell phone and text a few people. Finally, they put the phone away and use the machine for several reps (most likely at the lowest weight with no force needed). Are we done? Are they ready to move on? No such luck. They must have made a new friend in this machine. They sit for a little while more and bring back out that phone again. Maybe they ask that machine out for a date, I don’t know. But whatever it is that they are doing, they need to know that there is no shame in “using” a machine.

The Friendster’s: No, this is not the outdated social network, these are the folks do not understand the concept of personal space or time. I don’t mind striking up a conversation or saying hi to people at the gym. What I do mind is when I am working out with headsets on and people constantly come up to talk to you. You have to take out the ear buds, ask them to repeat themselves, put them back in, and then try to look away as they try to get your attention again. Is it a life-threatening situation they need to tell me about? Is my treadmill on fire? No, its “Hi, what are you listening to?” Obviously not my music anymore. And by the way, when there are 10 treadmills open in a row, please do not come and pick the one right next to me. That’s just weird.

The Clubbers: No, not as in I go to a gym club, but more as in they go to a clubby club. You know like Club 54 (70’s reference since I am out of touch with whatever would be a well known club these days. Tao in Vegas perhaps?). OK, not my point. What I am getting at are those people who dress up for the gym (it’s OK to have fashionable workout clothes (although I am a t-shirt and shorts guy) but I am referring to the people in dress pants (I am not kidding here) or the ones in the button down shirt. Or maybe it’s some women who lather on the makeup. I’m not talking about the “I just got off from work makeup and went right to the gym” – well I guess I am if your job is an escort. There are also the guys who drench themselves in cologne that when I walk buy I have to lift my shirt over my nose so I don’t get sick.

The Jumpers: These are the people who do their calisthenics every which way. It’s up and down, left and right, in and out…all over the gym. I am ok with people doing lunges and other activities (you see how much I know about it), but what can be frustrating is when they basically take over the gym and keep bumping into everyone else. Oh I am sorry you lunged/jumping jack/Billy Banks Taeboed right into my bench press bar, my fault for being stationary! I get you want to get your total body workout. May I suggest a body sculpting class or doing a #PlankADay. However, if you’re not going to use any equipment and persist on jumping your jacks right into my machine, may I recommend doing that in your own backyard.

The Watermelon Carriers: You know them. It’s not that these people are large and muscular. I am ok with that. These are the guys who walk around with their arms out so wide that they have to walk sideways to get past machines (think of Ralphie’s brother from A Christmas Story). They also stop in every mirror to flex. Look, I get it. You look good. You definitely look better than me. And I can understand professional body builders and the need to do it since that is what they do. There is nothing wrong with admiring yourself…to a point. Just maybe stop with the “oohs and ahhs” as you do it – let other people say that rather than yourself. And by the way, can you please wipe the equipment down when you’re done.

So, what do I do at the gym? I come in, say hi to people as I pass them (or give them a nod), use the equipment in a timely fashion, and push myself - without screaming. I have pleasant (but most likely short) conversations if they present themselves - although I do not interrupt others. Eventually I go home and eat away any of the goodness that I just accomplished. Typical right?