How to Avoid Getting Killed By A Tube of Toothpaste & Other Useful Israeli Travel Tips

I recently spent a few days (yes days) in Israel.  All it took was a 1.5 hour flight to my connection, a 6 hour layover, and then the 11 hour flight to Tel Aviv.  However, the flight wasn’t the bad part of it, it was actually the anticipation.  Anticipation for what you may ask.  Well just Google “Israeli Airport Security” and you will see.  When I Googled it, I got two responses.

1)       Israel upset with Iran, may plan attack on nuclear stations

2)       Going through Israeli security is like getting a colonoscopy and tooth extraction at the same time, yet not as pleasant

So going in, I had already planned to either be on the news as someone drafted into Attack Force 1 heading into Iran, or I would be spending my time in an Israeli airport detention center trying to explain why I had 4 pairs of underwear for a 3 day stay. 

Getting Into Israel

So after all this research about security, I show up at the airport basically feeling guilty already for something.  I don’t know what that something was, but I knew that these well trained agents would uncover whatever it was I was hiding.  By the time I got to my first security checkpoint I was already confessing “YES, it was me who stole little Mary’s candy bar in the 4^th grade, but I’M SORRRY!!!!”  Well, he didn’t care much about Mary and her poor candy, but he did stare me down and keep asking me questions over and over.  Are you sure you packed this by yourself, is there any chance you’re not remembering it correctly, is your real name Kaiser Sose?”

He then looks at my passport and some other paperwork I had and asks me to remain where I am as he goes off to talk to his supervisors.  I wait about 15 minutes, which in security time feels about 6 hours, and he returns and asks “Are you sure you didn’t have anyone else pack your bags”.  I finally convince him that, yes, despite my appearance, I am more than capable of packing my own bags, and I went on my way.

After 6 hours of waiting for my flight to take off, I go through TSA security, which, let’s be honest, comparing TSA to  Israeli security, is like comparing Cy Young to Richard Pryor’s Montgomery Brewster of the Hackensack Bulls.  Here is another comparison; TSA will take away my toothpaste if it is 3.1 ounces.  Israeli security will kill me with that same 3.1 ounce tube of toothpaste.

Anyway, I get to the gate and there are people in various lines (Economy, Business, First) waiting in what appears to be an orderly fashion.  So I get in line and do what normal civilized people have been doing for generations, which is, actually waiting in the line.  As soon as the gate agent picks up the microphone to ask for people needing extra assistance to board the plan, the entire area bum rushed the gate.  Seriously, you would have thought that only 4 golden tickets have been found and beyond the gate lay the last case of Wonka Bars.  That or everyone in the gate area just heard their soccer team won (or lost).  I kid you not; people were pushing and shoving, forgetting any semblance to the once orderly line (or civilization).  Mind you, these weren’t the people who actually needed the extra assistance, oh no, those poor people in the wheel chairs had no chance!

So, I still try to maintain some level of order before the chaos turned into anarchy, and what do you know, I get to the agent, they look at my passport and pause.  Then they look at me quizzically and ask if I spoke Hebrew.  When I said I don’t, they looked at the passport again, and said – “But it says here that you do” referring to some scribbles the previous security guard wrote down.  “I assure you miss, I barely speak English and I think the only Hebrew I know is “Hebrew National” Hotdogs.  Needless to say, I was asked to wait (as everyone else continued shoving past me).  She consulted her supervisors and I watched them having a discussion, pointing at my passport and in my hysteria imaging they are saying “Should we take him out here, or have our agents in Tel Aviv do away with him?  She finally comes back to me and as I am preparing to make a run for it, she says “Have a good flight”…and that’s it.  No explanation, nothing.

On the Plane

It is a sad state of affairs when I can get on a plane, eat a big dinner, watch a movie, go to sleep, wake up, and still have hours of flying to go!  I actually kid about the watch a movie part…well sort of.  The airline had several movies to choose from, so I chose Killer Elite.  The problem was, it would play for about 7 minutes and then stop and restart…constantly.  So I would start to get into the movie only to be brought back to the beginning.  So while I watched about an hour of the movie, it was the first 7 minutes over and over.  I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, although I didn’t really learn any new skills, and I didn’t drive angry!  Spoiler alert, nothing really happens in the first 7 minutes.  I can only assume that Robert Deniro ended up being the bad guy in an “I see dead people” plot twist. 

The other interesting thing on waking up was that I came out of a poor sleep and was a little groggy, and when I look up I see 5 people by the plane door, in what I assumed to be a frantic attempt to open the door 37,000 feet up in the air.  No one else seemed to be worried however, and I was eventually educated that they were praying.

To further show my ignorance, when dinner was served, I received a full course meal, with my main dish being a beef stew.  When I got my warm dinner role, I looked around, saw I was missing something, and asked the flight attendant for butter.  I was told, no, I cannot have butter.  I was a little perplexed, I said why; can I not have butter miss?  Did I do something?  Evidently it was a kosher plane.  Later in the flight, one of my seat mates asked me if I was Jewish.  Well actually he said “You’re not Jewish right?” So I said “did the butter thing give me away?”

Getting back to the US

All I can say is thank you for whatever form my company filled out.  It was basically like I had a hall pass.  Now I know what feels like to be one of the untouchables.  I walked right pass Elliott Ness, showed my form and my passport and away I went.  OK, it wasn’t that easy, but it was nowhere near the experiences I read online.

All in all it actually was a great, if short trip.  I was able to have a couple of nice dinners out on the town with extremely friendly people, was always treated respectfully, even though I did not understand the language, and  was only disappointed that I was unable to stay longer to visit other areas of the country.