How to Fix the Oscars

Hey Academy.  Do you want to connect more with the regular people and the home viewing audience?  Here’s a few tips:

• Instead of voting by the Academy members for best “whatever”, they should take the finalists and put them in an arena to fight it out.  It could be called the “GladiOscars”.  The winners would get the gold statue and the losers would have to star in Police Academy  8.
• They should have better categories.  Instead of a category for “The best international documentary on a 6 legged insect” it could instead be “The person who best dealt with the out of control ego’s of Hollywood stars”.  This years nominees…
• The lighting guy who had to deal with the wrath of Batman, I mean Christian Bale
• The girl who has to sort out all the green M&M’s for J-Lo
• They should ban the words “Who” and “Wearing” leaving red carpet interviewers with nothing to ask the stars.
• If the only people who actually watched the movie were the stars, their immediate family and the people who were forced to watch it to get the free soup at the local shelter, then that movie should not be allowed as a nominee.
• I suggest trying to find more authentic and "real" nominee's instead of "fake" and self absorbed Hollywood actors.  May I suggest the robot from "Real Steel" for one.
• When doing thank you speeches, go in the back, find the normal looking person who is performing carpentry on the set, and if he does not know who you are thanking, eliminate them from your speech.
• When picking a host.  Find the person who would make the majority of those in attendance the most uncomfortable – and pick them.  I hear Ricky Gervais is available.
• They can only nominate movies from the 80's and 90's.  These are the only ones that ever make the clips that are played during the segue anyway.  Every year we hear "We're going to need a bigger boat (Jaws).  I don't anticipate we will hear "Bella, I can't live without you (insert pained expression here)" 10 years from now.
• Actors should come as the character they played in the movie.  So long Johnny Depp and hello Captain Jack Sparrow.  So long boring guy from the Artist and hello...um, boring guy from the Artist - OK scratch that.