What To Really Expect: Things you’re not told in “What to Expect when you’re Expecting”

Yes, having kids is the greatest blessing in the world.  And before having kids, there are lots of books out there to help you prepare for the joys of parenthood.  However, sometimes I wonder if those authors actually ever had kids themselves.  So, as the parent of 3 kids (4, 4, and 3), let me share some "additional" things to expect once your bundles of joy arrive and move into toddler-hood. 

·         Manage your expectations of what exactly it is you are going to see when you hear: "Daddy, watch this".

·         Pretending to be asleep doesn't work.  Kids will literally lift your eyelids open with their fingers and say “Daddy, are you awake?”

·         No matter how many toys your kids have, they will all want to consistently play with the same one at the same time.

·         Which toy?  The one that the other kid is playing with.

·         All those things you said you WEREN'T going to do when you had kids.  Trust me, you will do them.

·         Dora the Explorer is an acceptable babysitter.
·        The object of hide and seek is not for your kids to hide and you go find them.  It is for you to count, not move, and get a minute of peace and quiet until they come running back to you and you say "Oh, I couldn't find you".

·         When your kids are young, never...ever...read a book page by page.  When they get older, they become too smart and don’t allow you skip a page when you are in a hurry. “Daddy, go back you missed a page!  Daddy, I said go back”.

·         The time that your kids will get up in the morning is inversely proportional to the amount you drank last night.

·         Ignoring your kids or remaining silent doesn’t work.  Kids have no limit on the amount of times they can say the same thing over and over. “Daddy, I want to watch Mickey Mouse.  Mickey Daddy?  Mickey Daddy? Mickey Daddy? …”

·         Toddler’s have two types of cries.  The one they do to annoy you and the one that requires you to take them to the Emergency Room.  You will be able to tell the difference. 

·         You know that Verizon Fios ultimate TV package that you got to watch all the NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL games?  Forget it.  You better start rooting for Dora’s Soccer team, as that may be the only team you will ever see again.

·         Actually, just save your money and stream Disney Jr. to your TV.

·         No, we are not there yet, and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!

·         Despite what you think, you WILL sound like your parents because 1) We do not heat/cool the whole world (so close the door) 2)There are starving people in Africa (so eat your food) and 3) We are not made of money.