A Daddy’s New Year’s Wish

1. To be able to walk barefoot in my house like I did before kids…and Lego’s
2. To be able to go to the bathroom one time…without having to barricade my door for privacy
3. To be able to take a bite of food before hearing the words…”Daddy, I want some more…”
4. To be able to watch my TV shows rather than the 76^th showing of Dora the Explorer
5. For it to be Daddy’s turn
6. To not have to explain why
7. For my kids to exit a toy store on their own two feet
8. To sleep in
9. To turn on my Ipad without seeing 4 new apps about talking animals
10. To be on time
11. To wake up without immediately looking forward to bedtime
12. To be able to assemble one of my kids toys without cursing
13. To drink a hot cup of coffee
14. To put together a puzzle that doesn’t have the last piece missing
15. To go on a Daddy play date…without kids
16. To forget the words to any Dora theme song
17. To not have to negotiate who plays with what toys like it’s the fiscal cliff
18. To know what the heck my kids drew without asking them
19. To regain personal space
20. To not have to hide the vegetables in every other food group
21. To not have to decide “who did it”

Things I didn't know I signed up for when I become a parent

1. I would never have privacy in the bathroom... Ever again
2. Negotiating business deals is nothing compared to negotiating which cartoon my 3 toddlers will watch
3. There actually is a place called "At Wits End" and I'd visit there…A LOT. (It's close to "Up To Here")

4. I would have to watch every single thing my toddler does and respond like they just mapped a genome.
     o Kid: “Daddy, watch this”
     o Kid: “Daddy you’re not watching”
     o Kid: “OK Daddy, now watch me”
     o *kid flaps arms*
     o Me:”Awesome!”
5. I would have to be an encyclopedia of knowledge and explain everything ever created in world. “Daddy, what’s this? Daddy, what’s that? Daddy, what’s this?...”
6. An appropriate dinner can be gummy bears, a banana, a frozen waffle and an ice pop
7. Burying my head in a pile of pillows can be an acceptable form of dealing with my kids arguments
8. Three of my most dreaded words would be “Some assembly required”
9. I would need to navigate my home like it was a mine field ·
10. I would be manipulated so easily.
     o “Daddy, you are so handsome, I love you so much. Can I have an icepop?”
     o “Of course you can sweetie”
11. My choice of words would be forever changed. Case in point. As I am stepping out of a meeting at work I announce to everyone “Excuse me, I have to go potty”
12. I'd get my own personal “play by play” announcers. “Daddy’s brushing his teeth. Daddy is sleeping. Daddy is getting dressed.”
13. I'd become a doctor and that kissing a “boo-boo” actually does make it better
14. I'd wake up some days and immediately start counting hours to my kids bedtime
15. I’d find out that there is a sound worse than fingernails on chalkboard and it’s called whining
16. That I would need to protect myself like MMA fighter when playing with my kids.
17. I would be able to read the future: For example, here is a recent conversation with my son:
     o Me: “No”
     o Me: “I said no”
     o Me: “Buddy don't do it”
     o Me: “Look, we know how this'll turn out. You'll do it, I'll get mad, & you'll cry, so can we just skip it?"
     o *Son does it*
     o *Daddy gets mad*
     o *Son cries*
18. Not only would I watch cartoons, I would call out inconsistencies in them.
     o “Shouldn’t the Octonauts go through a depressurization chamber before going into the station?”
     o “Wait a second, how come the cow talks but the pig doesn’t?”
19. I would know what it is like to be bi-polar.
     o Me: “awww, I love these kids more than life itself”
     o *2 minutes pass*
     o Me: “STOP IT! GET OVER HERE! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE. I SAID GET OVER HERE!!”
     o Awww I love them

What To Really Expect: Things you’re not told in “What to Expect when you’re Expecting”

Yes, having kids is the greatest blessing in the world.  And before having kids, there are lots of books out there to help you prepare for the joys of parenthood.  However, sometimes I wonder if those authors actually ever had kids themselves.  So, as the parent of 3 kids (4, 4, and 3), let me share some "additional" things to expect once your bundles of joy arrive and move into toddler-hood. 

·         Manage your expectations of what exactly it is you are going to see when you hear: "Daddy, watch this".

·         Pretending to be asleep doesn't work.  Kids will literally lift your eyelids open with their fingers and say “Daddy, are you awake?”

·         No matter how many toys your kids have, they will all want to consistently play with the same one at the same time.

·         Which toy?  The one that the other kid is playing with.

·         All those things you said you WEREN'T going to do when you had kids.  Trust me, you will do them.

·         Dora the Explorer is an acceptable babysitter.
·        The object of hide and seek is not for your kids to hide and you go find them.  It is for you to count, not move, and get a minute of peace and quiet until they come running back to you and you say "Oh, I couldn't find you".

·         When your kids are young, never...ever...read a book page by page.  When they get older, they become too smart and don’t allow you skip a page when you are in a hurry. “Daddy, go back you missed a page!  Daddy, I said go back”.

·         The time that your kids will get up in the morning is inversely proportional to the amount you drank last night.

·         Ignoring your kids or remaining silent doesn’t work.  Kids have no limit on the amount of times they can say the same thing over and over. “Daddy, I want to watch Mickey Mouse.  Mickey Daddy?  Mickey Daddy? Mickey Daddy? …”

·         Toddler’s have two types of cries.  The one they do to annoy you and the one that requires you to take them to the Emergency Room.  You will be able to tell the difference. 

·         You know that Verizon Fios ultimate TV package that you got to watch all the NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL games?  Forget it.  You better start rooting for Dora’s Soccer team, as that may be the only team you will ever see again.

·         Actually, just save your money and stream Disney Jr. to your TV.

·         No, we are not there yet, and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!

·         Despite what you think, you WILL sound like your parents because 1) We do not heat/cool the whole world (so close the door) 2)There are starving people in Africa (so eat your food) and 3) We are not made of money.

A Daddy’s guide to raising toddlers. What I’ve learned…so far

3 ½ years ago, what I knew about being a parent was basically from what I learned from watching Mike Brady dole out pearls of wisdom on the Brady Bunch (By the way, who has a personal butcher deliver meat to their house and how were those Brady kids not obese?) Anyway, I digress….So, my lack of parenting “experience” changed pretty quickly. In the span of 15 months, we welcomed 3 babies into the world. My children are now 3 ½, 3 ½, & 2 ½, I over the course of these years, I have picked up a few observations and lessons learned:

1. I spent the first year of my children’s life trying to get them to talk for the first time. I remember being so happy when I heard their first words. Now, a couple of years have passed and all I want them to do is to Shut The@%!* Up


2. I remember the first time I heard the word “Daddy”. It was such a wonderful experience. Hearing it 177 times in a row…in a whiny voice…not so much


3. You tend to lose track of the real value of things. For example, I would gladly pay $1,000 for a moment of silence


4. Without fail, my kids would rather play with the cheap cardboard box than the $100 gift that came inside it


5. With 3 babies, I learned how to sleep like a soldier. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, where you are or who is around, whenever you can get some shuteye – take it


6. When you’re at a party, it is just a matter of time before it will be your kid that is crying. Accept it and just wait your turn


7. Before you know it, you will start sounding like your parents. “Don’t waste food, there are starving people in (insert relevant country)”, “Close the door, do we heat/cool the whole world?” “When I was your age I never had all the things you have” “Because I said so, that’s why”


8. It's much easier to comment on other people’s parenting styles then your own. It’s also the reason why people without kids are the harshest critics and they also seem to give the most advice


9. And of course, I can say anything about my kid’s actions or behaviors – you can’t


10. There is a fine line between love and hate. OK I kid about the word hate, but having toddlers is very much like being bipolar. One minute they are the cutest most loving kids you could ever meet, and the next I swear they are the spawn of Satan put on this earth to see how far over the edge they can push me


11. You start saying things that you never, EVER, thought you would say…A LOT. I’ve used the words “Poopie” and “Tooshie” more times in the past year than I have in my 3 decades of existence. If I recall correctly, I think I have also told my kids I could eat them alive because they were so cute


12. You start DOING things you wouldn't have imagined as well. I remember looking at my brother in law when he would smell my niece's butt when she was little and thinking "what the heck are you doing"?. However, in the past 3 years I could be seen crawling around after my three kids on my hands and knees trying to get a whiff of their behinds to see who needed to be changed. HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!


13. I’ve realized that nap time is not just for the kids. Why did this practice ever go away as we got older?


14. As my kids get older, crying doesn’t bother me as much. As babies, I wanted to make sure everything was OK when I heard that cry. However, as they get older, there is much more “lag time” between the cry and my reaction (unless the cry is accompanied by a crashing sound).


15. Being the favorite is not all it’s cracked up to be. I know my wife won't like that comment, but truth be told, my youngest has an infatuation with me. It really is a great feeling. Daddy is the one to make it better when he is sick or the one he runs to when he is happy. Daddy is the one he calls for when he wakes up. However, Daddy is also the one to change his diaper…all the time, or bathe him, or brush his teeth, or walk with him, or carry him down the stairs…you get the picture…

Now, along with all the trials and tribulations of being a parent, it is also the purest form of love I have ever known. A smile can make my troubles go away. An “I love you daddy” can light up my day. A hug from one of my children is like medicine for my soul. The other day my son gave me his most precious stuffed animal to sleep with and it was worth more to me than any amount of money. There’s a saying that says you never know the love of your parents until you have a child. I believe this to be true.

However, in addition to being the purest form of love, it is also the most “painful and vulnerable”. Meaning, that with every fiber of my being I always want to protect my children from all harm, sadness and heartbreak…and I walk around knowing that I cannot. So there it is, what I have learned is that children are craziness & calmness, sadness & Joy, anger & peace and most importantly, above all else, LOVE