My kids say a lot of things, but they never say this

20 things my kids never say

1. Oh, you’re in the bathroom, I'll wait until you come out to talk to you
2. It appears we disagree.  Let’s talk this out and not yell…or whine… or throw things
3. Daddy, let’s leave this toy store.  I don’t want anything
4. Shhh, let’s go back to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour
5. While that candy looks appetizing, I don’t want to eat it or I will spoil my dinner
6. Wait!  Before I go outside, can you make sure I have on my jacket, gloves and hat
7. I don’t need a goodie bag, it’s their birthday party and it's not about me
8. Let me move back a few feet because I respect your personal space
9. More shampoo please
10. Let’s watch what YOU want to watch on TV
11. You look tired.  Let me sit here in silence while you rest
12. It’s OK, I’ll wait until you eat your dinner before asking you for something
13. Dear Santa.  All I want for Christmas is for peace on Earth
14. Let me ride my bike slowly around this turn, because you know, it's dangerous
15. I know we are out at a public place, so I will wait until we get home to throw a tantrum
16. Daddy, it’s my bedtime.  I want to put away all my toys and just go to sleep
17. I don’t care that it is the weekend, we should do homework because I have an ongoing thirst for knowledge
18. Quiet guys, Daddy is on the phone and we want to make sure he can hear the person he is talking to
19. We don't heat the whole world, let me close the door behind me
20. Daddy. (That’s it.  Just Daddy.  A single “Daddy”.  One time. Not followed up by Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!)

Advice To My Daughter

• There is nothing you can’t do
• Have confidence
• Dream big
• Never try to make someone like you. They will or they won’t
• Don’t hide your intelligence
• Respect yourself or no one else will
• Be nice
• Kiss a lot of toads to find your prince (only kiss!)
• Don’t second guess yourself
• You’re body, you’re decision
• Don't judge
• Re-define what it means to "throw like a girl"
• You never have to prove anything to anyone
• Like yourself
• Talk to me
• He is the lucky one
• Learn how to change a tire
• Just because I will never think anyone is good enough for you, doesn’t mean you should also think that
• Let him down easy
• Look out for your brothers
• Go easy on your mother
• Break stereotypes
• Be happy
• Be yourself
• Have no regrets

And remember, no matter what, you will always, ALWAYS, be my little girl

Advice To My Boys

• Give more than you take
• Kindness is not weakness
• Trust few, but trust completely
• The right thing and the easy thing are seldom the same thing
• Choose role models carefully
• Dance
• Don’t hold grudges
• Look people in the eyes
• Be nice, even if other’s are not
• Give credit, take accountability
• Don’t be afraid to make mistakes
• When all else fails, trust your gut
• Love your mother
• Protect your sister
• Be there for each other
• Question authority, just do it respectfully
• Extend olive branches
• Do what YOU want to do, not what others want you to do
• Don’t be a bully
• Stick up for yourself
• Try new things
• See other’s perspectives
• Don’t settle
• Call home
• Have faith

“I may not love you for the rest of your life, but I will love you for the rest of mine.”

Things I didn't know I signed up for when I become a parent

1. I would never have privacy in the bathroom... Ever again
2. Negotiating business deals is nothing compared to negotiating which cartoon my 3 toddlers will watch
3. There actually is a place called "At Wits End" and I'd visit there…A LOT. (It's close to "Up To Here")

4. I would have to watch every single thing my toddler does and respond like they just mapped a genome.
     o Kid: “Daddy, watch this”
     o Kid: “Daddy you’re not watching”
     o Kid: “OK Daddy, now watch me”
     o *kid flaps arms*
     o Me:”Awesome!”
5. I would have to be an encyclopedia of knowledge and explain everything ever created in world. “Daddy, what’s this? Daddy, what’s that? Daddy, what’s this?...”
6. An appropriate dinner can be gummy bears, a banana, a frozen waffle and an ice pop
7. Burying my head in a pile of pillows can be an acceptable form of dealing with my kids arguments
8. Three of my most dreaded words would be “Some assembly required”
9. I would need to navigate my home like it was a mine field ·
10. I would be manipulated so easily.
     o “Daddy, you are so handsome, I love you so much. Can I have an icepop?”
     o “Of course you can sweetie”
11. My choice of words would be forever changed. Case in point. As I am stepping out of a meeting at work I announce to everyone “Excuse me, I have to go potty”
12. I'd get my own personal “play by play” announcers. “Daddy’s brushing his teeth. Daddy is sleeping. Daddy is getting dressed.”
13. I'd become a doctor and that kissing a “boo-boo” actually does make it better
14. I'd wake up some days and immediately start counting hours to my kids bedtime
15. I’d find out that there is a sound worse than fingernails on chalkboard and it’s called whining
16. That I would need to protect myself like MMA fighter when playing with my kids.
17. I would be able to read the future: For example, here is a recent conversation with my son:
     o Me: “No”
     o Me: “I said no”
     o Me: “Buddy don't do it”
     o Me: “Look, we know how this'll turn out. You'll do it, I'll get mad, & you'll cry, so can we just skip it?"
     o *Son does it*
     o *Daddy gets mad*
     o *Son cries*
18. Not only would I watch cartoons, I would call out inconsistencies in them.
     o “Shouldn’t the Octonauts go through a depressurization chamber before going into the station?”
     o “Wait a second, how come the cow talks but the pig doesn’t?”
19. I would know what it is like to be bi-polar.
     o Me: “awww, I love these kids more than life itself”
     o *2 minutes pass*
     o Me: “STOP IT! GET OVER HERE! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE. I SAID GET OVER HERE!!”
     o Awww I love them

What To Really Expect: Things you’re not told in “What to Expect when you’re Expecting”

Yes, having kids is the greatest blessing in the world.  And before having kids, there are lots of books out there to help you prepare for the joys of parenthood.  However, sometimes I wonder if those authors actually ever had kids themselves.  So, as the parent of 3 kids (4, 4, and 3), let me share some "additional" things to expect once your bundles of joy arrive and move into toddler-hood. 

·         Manage your expectations of what exactly it is you are going to see when you hear: "Daddy, watch this".

·         Pretending to be asleep doesn't work.  Kids will literally lift your eyelids open with their fingers and say “Daddy, are you awake?”

·         No matter how many toys your kids have, they will all want to consistently play with the same one at the same time.

·         Which toy?  The one that the other kid is playing with.

·         All those things you said you WEREN'T going to do when you had kids.  Trust me, you will do them.

·         Dora the Explorer is an acceptable babysitter.
·        The object of hide and seek is not for your kids to hide and you go find them.  It is for you to count, not move, and get a minute of peace and quiet until they come running back to you and you say "Oh, I couldn't find you".

·         When your kids are young, never...ever...read a book page by page.  When they get older, they become too smart and don’t allow you skip a page when you are in a hurry. “Daddy, go back you missed a page!  Daddy, I said go back”.

·         The time that your kids will get up in the morning is inversely proportional to the amount you drank last night.

·         Ignoring your kids or remaining silent doesn’t work.  Kids have no limit on the amount of times they can say the same thing over and over. “Daddy, I want to watch Mickey Mouse.  Mickey Daddy?  Mickey Daddy? Mickey Daddy? …”

·         Toddler’s have two types of cries.  The one they do to annoy you and the one that requires you to take them to the Emergency Room.  You will be able to tell the difference. 

·         You know that Verizon Fios ultimate TV package that you got to watch all the NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL games?  Forget it.  You better start rooting for Dora’s Soccer team, as that may be the only team you will ever see again.

·         Actually, just save your money and stream Disney Jr. to your TV.

·         No, we are not there yet, and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!

·         Despite what you think, you WILL sound like your parents because 1) We do not heat/cool the whole world (so close the door) 2)There are starving people in Africa (so eat your food) and 3) We are not made of money.