The Fine Line Between Being Sick And Supporting Aquaman

OK, so I go to bed, hoping to get a good night’s sleep before a busy day.  15 minutes later, I know something is wrong.  Anxiety over who will be the next Bachelor? No.  Troubled over if Kayne and Kim’s son will run into trouble giving people directions? No.  Rather, I start to feel sick.  I visit WebMd on my phone to find out what’s wrong.

• Trouble breathing
• Feeling Disey
• Tightness in chest
• Search Results: Polio

OK, now something is really wrong.  I don’t want to wake my son who is sleeping on the floor, but I know I need to get to a bathroom.  I maneuver through the room like OJ Simpson used to go through airports in those Hertz commercials.

I drop to my knees in the hallway and crawl to the bathroom.  I lay my face right over the bowl and what do I pray for?

• To get it over with?  No
• To not get sick? No
• That my arms are strong enough so I don’t plunge right into the water?  Yes.

I don’t get sick but now a dilemma.  Should I stay like this or should sit upright.  It was like my own Sophie’s choice.  Things are getting worse.  I am now sweating and am as white as a ghost…or as Richie Incognito.

 

I think I start to hallucinate.  Sweating, I start to wonder about random things:

• Can I remember any of the Hanson “mmmmbop” brother’s names?
• Who were those Menudo kids?
• Will One Direction suffer the same fate?

I see some towels and put them on the floor thinking that I will just rest for a bit; mind you, half naked and on the cold tile of the bathroom.  I think I pass out for a bit because I wake up with my face pressed against the sink.

I think I meekly call out for help, but regret doing so as soon as I do it.  I mean, what will happen.  My kids will wake up, walk in to the bathroom and see their daddy lying on the tile.

• Hi Daddy, what ya doing?
• Call 911
• Daddy, draw me a picture
• Call 911
• Daddy, who would win in a fight – The Hulk or Aquaman?
• Call 91…wait what?  Are you kidding me?  How the heck do you think Aquaman will beat the Hulk?  Call 911
• OK Daddy, Fine.  How do you spell 911?

Anyway, I make my way downstairs thinking I just need to lay down on a couch.  It’s cold and dark so I randomly pick up articles of clothing to keep me warm.  I pick up some socks for my feet and hands.  I pick up a jacket from the kitchen and go to lie down.  I am restless.  I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror with mismatched red, brown and green socks on my hands and feet and a pink jacket.  I looked like a deranged Elf from Chucky the killer doll’s shelf.

I toss and turn all night and finally my kids come see my on the couch.

• Hi Daddy, can we have milk and waffles?
• Oh guys, Daddy doesn’t feel well. 
• OK, but um daddy um, can we have Waffles now?

My kids say a lot of things, but they never say this

20 things my kids never say

1. Oh, you’re in the bathroom, I'll wait until you come out to talk to you
2. It appears we disagree.  Let’s talk this out and not yell…or whine… or throw things
3. Daddy, let’s leave this toy store.  I don’t want anything
4. Shhh, let’s go back to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour
5. While that candy looks appetizing, I don’t want to eat it or I will spoil my dinner
6. Wait!  Before I go outside, can you make sure I have on my jacket, gloves and hat
7. I don’t need a goodie bag, it’s their birthday party and it's not about me
8. Let me move back a few feet because I respect your personal space
9. More shampoo please
10. Let’s watch what YOU want to watch on TV
11. You look tired.  Let me sit here in silence while you rest
12. It’s OK, I’ll wait until you eat your dinner before asking you for something
13. Dear Santa.  All I want for Christmas is for peace on Earth
14. Let me ride my bike slowly around this turn, because you know, it's dangerous
15. I know we are out at a public place, so I will wait until we get home to throw a tantrum
16. Daddy, it’s my bedtime.  I want to put away all my toys and just go to sleep
17. I don’t care that it is the weekend, we should do homework because I have an ongoing thirst for knowledge
18. Quiet guys, Daddy is on the phone and we want to make sure he can hear the person he is talking to
19. We don't heat the whole world, let me close the door behind me
20. Daddy. (That’s it.  Just Daddy.  A single “Daddy”.  One time. Not followed up by Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!)

A Daddy’s New Year’s Wish

1. To be able to walk barefoot in my house like I did before kids…and Lego’s
2. To be able to go to the bathroom one time…without having to barricade my door for privacy
3. To be able to take a bite of food before hearing the words…”Daddy, I want some more…”
4. To be able to watch my TV shows rather than the 76^th showing of Dora the Explorer
5. For it to be Daddy’s turn
6. To not have to explain why
7. For my kids to exit a toy store on their own two feet
8. To sleep in
9. To turn on my Ipad without seeing 4 new apps about talking animals
10. To be on time
11. To wake up without immediately looking forward to bedtime
12. To be able to assemble one of my kids toys without cursing
13. To drink a hot cup of coffee
14. To put together a puzzle that doesn’t have the last piece missing
15. To go on a Daddy play date…without kids
16. To forget the words to any Dora theme song
17. To not have to negotiate who plays with what toys like it’s the fiscal cliff
18. To know what the heck my kids drew without asking them
19. To regain personal space
20. To not have to hide the vegetables in every other food group
21. To not have to decide “who did it”

Things My Kids Say

“The soul is healed by being with children.” 

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Sometimes, during the course of everyday life, my kids will say something that just stops me in my tracks.  At times like this, they will make me smile, chuckle, laugh and sometimes cry.  I'd like to think it's validation of our parenting, but more likely it is God's way of making me a better person through them.

*Son hitting wiffle ball off of a tee*

Me: “When you grow up do you want to be a professional baseball player?”

Son: “No Daddy”

Me: “Are you sure, you hit the ball well and will be famous”

Son: “No daddy, I want to be a doctor and help people”

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Me: “Daddy has to go on a plane”

Son: “Are you scared?”

Me: “Sure, a little”

Son: “Don’t be"...*looks around*...I‘m really Superman and I will fly and save you”

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Daughter” ‘Daddy, I need to tell you a secret”

Me: “Later baby, Daddy’s busy”

Daughter: “But Daddy, it’s important”

Me: “Can’t it wait 5 minutes”?

Daughter: “No daddy, its reeeaaallllyy important”

Me: “OK, what is it”

Daughter whispers in my ear “Daddy, you’re my best friend and I’ll love you forever”

*Melts*

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Daughter: “Daddy, are you OK?”

Me: “I’m just a little sad”

Daughter: “It’s OK, I will kiss it better”

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Me:” Sweetie, Daddy has to go away and won’t be home to Friday.”

Daughter: “That’s OK, lay down and I will rub your back until you get home”

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Wife: “Try to be nice to daddy, he isn’t feeling well”

*Son walks into my room with his favorite stuffed bear that he never sleeps without*

Son: “Here daddy, you can sleep with bear tonight”

Things I didn't know I signed up for when I become a parent

1. I would never have privacy in the bathroom... Ever again
2. Negotiating business deals is nothing compared to negotiating which cartoon my 3 toddlers will watch
3. There actually is a place called "At Wits End" and I'd visit there…A LOT. (It's close to "Up To Here")

4. I would have to watch every single thing my toddler does and respond like they just mapped a genome.
     o Kid: “Daddy, watch this”
     o Kid: “Daddy you’re not watching”
     o Kid: “OK Daddy, now watch me”
     o *kid flaps arms*
     o Me:”Awesome!”
5. I would have to be an encyclopedia of knowledge and explain everything ever created in world. “Daddy, what’s this? Daddy, what’s that? Daddy, what’s this?...”
6. An appropriate dinner can be gummy bears, a banana, a frozen waffle and an ice pop
7. Burying my head in a pile of pillows can be an acceptable form of dealing with my kids arguments
8. Three of my most dreaded words would be “Some assembly required”
9. I would need to navigate my home like it was a mine field ·
10. I would be manipulated so easily.
     o “Daddy, you are so handsome, I love you so much. Can I have an icepop?”
     o “Of course you can sweetie”
11. My choice of words would be forever changed. Case in point. As I am stepping out of a meeting at work I announce to everyone “Excuse me, I have to go potty”
12. I'd get my own personal “play by play” announcers. “Daddy’s brushing his teeth. Daddy is sleeping. Daddy is getting dressed.”
13. I'd become a doctor and that kissing a “boo-boo” actually does make it better
14. I'd wake up some days and immediately start counting hours to my kids bedtime
15. I’d find out that there is a sound worse than fingernails on chalkboard and it’s called whining
16. That I would need to protect myself like MMA fighter when playing with my kids.
17. I would be able to read the future: For example, here is a recent conversation with my son:
     o Me: “No”
     o Me: “I said no”
     o Me: “Buddy don't do it”
     o Me: “Look, we know how this'll turn out. You'll do it, I'll get mad, & you'll cry, so can we just skip it?"
     o *Son does it*
     o *Daddy gets mad*
     o *Son cries*
18. Not only would I watch cartoons, I would call out inconsistencies in them.
     o “Shouldn’t the Octonauts go through a depressurization chamber before going into the station?”
     o “Wait a second, how come the cow talks but the pig doesn’t?”
19. I would know what it is like to be bi-polar.
     o Me: “awww, I love these kids more than life itself”
     o *2 minutes pass*
     o Me: “STOP IT! GET OVER HERE! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE. I SAID GET OVER HERE!!”
     o Awww I love them

What To Really Expect: Things you’re not told in “What to Expect when you’re Expecting”

Yes, having kids is the greatest blessing in the world.  And before having kids, there are lots of books out there to help you prepare for the joys of parenthood.  However, sometimes I wonder if those authors actually ever had kids themselves.  So, as the parent of 3 kids (4, 4, and 3), let me share some "additional" things to expect once your bundles of joy arrive and move into toddler-hood. 

·         Manage your expectations of what exactly it is you are going to see when you hear: "Daddy, watch this".

·         Pretending to be asleep doesn't work.  Kids will literally lift your eyelids open with their fingers and say “Daddy, are you awake?”

·         No matter how many toys your kids have, they will all want to consistently play with the same one at the same time.

·         Which toy?  The one that the other kid is playing with.

·         All those things you said you WEREN'T going to do when you had kids.  Trust me, you will do them.

·         Dora the Explorer is an acceptable babysitter.
·        The object of hide and seek is not for your kids to hide and you go find them.  It is for you to count, not move, and get a minute of peace and quiet until they come running back to you and you say "Oh, I couldn't find you".

·         When your kids are young, never...ever...read a book page by page.  When they get older, they become too smart and don’t allow you skip a page when you are in a hurry. “Daddy, go back you missed a page!  Daddy, I said go back”.

·         The time that your kids will get up in the morning is inversely proportional to the amount you drank last night.

·         Ignoring your kids or remaining silent doesn’t work.  Kids have no limit on the amount of times they can say the same thing over and over. “Daddy, I want to watch Mickey Mouse.  Mickey Daddy?  Mickey Daddy? Mickey Daddy? …”

·         Toddler’s have two types of cries.  The one they do to annoy you and the one that requires you to take them to the Emergency Room.  You will be able to tell the difference. 

·         You know that Verizon Fios ultimate TV package that you got to watch all the NBA, NFL, MLB and NHL games?  Forget it.  You better start rooting for Dora’s Soccer team, as that may be the only team you will ever see again.

·         Actually, just save your money and stream Disney Jr. to your TV.

·         No, we are not there yet, and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!

·         Despite what you think, you WILL sound like your parents because 1) We do not heat/cool the whole world (so close the door) 2)There are starving people in Africa (so eat your food) and 3) We are not made of money.

Dear Me. Things I would tell my younger self

Dear Me.  Things I would tell my younger self

1. Listen more, talk less.
2. Make eye contact.
3. Say please and thank you.
4. Tell your parents that you love them more.
5. Don’t worry about what anyone else has.  Your things do not define who you are.
6. Try and let your mom eat a hot meal.  You don’t need seconds before she has had firsts.
7. Go find someone that no one else is talking to and say hello.
8. Don’t worry that you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up.  You still don’t know – and you’re doing OK.
9. I know that you feel that (Insert girl’s name here) broke your heart , but not only are there other fish in the sea, you will really enjoy fishing….for a while anyway.
10. You know that kid that’s been bullying you on the school bus?  Don’t worry, I’m at the Exxon now and he just pumped your gas.
11. You might want to hold on to those ripped jeans, one day you will actually pay top dollar for those “rips”.
12. …Those parachute pants on the other hand…not so much
13. Try not to be so insecure, you’re not as bad as you think you are…
14. …but keep in mind, as you grow up, you’re also not as good as you think you are either – be humble.
15. It’s not enough to not be a sore loser, don’t be a bad winner
16. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. 
17. It’s OK to cry…
18. … but not over not getting that toy you wanted.
19. And while you’re at it, try not to throw yourself prone on the floor of the department store if you don’t get your way.
20. You know those toys that make all that noise, don't use them until after 10am.
21. Your parents actually do know better…for a little while longer anyway.
22. No, you will not use algebra later in life
23. … however you will use “how you learned” algebra in almost everything you do
24. Even if your parents say they’re busy, keep asking them to play with you.  Believe me, they will be thankful.
25. But instead of saying “mommy” 17 times in a row, try saying “excuse me” and waiting for her to answer you
26. Give more, take less
27. Believe in Miracles

The Good Old Days

I remember when my parents & grandparents used to tell me about “back when they were a kid” and how so many things have changed.  How my generation had it so easy, dressed so weird, had crazy hairstyles and listened to horrible music.  “What is this “noise” you’re listening to?”  (By the way, I think it was Run DMC & LL Cool J and try not to think about that one time with Samantha Fox).  They talked about the difference in growing up and how they walked uphill to school (both ways). 

Well the other day I was thinking about how kids today and how things were very different back when I was growing up. 

1. When I was little I had an X-Box Kinect, except it was called actually going outside and playing with my friends
2. We wouldn’t email or text anyone.  We would however, write on a piece of paper, pass it across the classroom so a girl could read: “Do you like me?  Yes. No. Maybe.  Check one box”
3. I never had a play date.  Instead I walked to my friends houses, knocked on their door and asked if they could come out and play
4. We used an encyclopedia not Google. Plagiarizing was much, much harder!
5. We answered the phone with Hello because we had no idea who was calling
6. I wasn’t worried about drugs or pregnancy, however I was worried about getting picked last for kickball
7. Yes, at one point I had only 5 channels on TV, yet there was always something to watch
8. I didn’t have an I-Pad, I-Pod, I-Home, PSP, Nintendo DS etc - but I did have an imagination – oh yeah, and my GI-Joe action figures
9. Social Networking was when we actually met people face to face
10. I would call adults Mr. or Mrs.  I didn’t even know they HAD first names
11. Calling your kids on their cell phone? Nope, didn’t exist, but parents screaming out their front door that it was time for dinner – everyone heard that!
12. Girls wore earrings, boys didn’t
13. Taking candy from strangers?  Yay…free candy!
14. Aids didn’t exist until I heard about Magic Johnson
15. I knew what Willis was talking about
16. Receipts from stores were actually short and not a dissertation about such-and-such brand that brought down an acres of rain forest to print
17. Family game night was played with actual board games and not with family members in different rooms linked together through wi-fi
18. Baseball hats were worn facing forward
19. We would talk to strangers and respect adults
20. Roller Skating was considered fun – until the slow song came on and you sweated over finding a girl to skate with, and of course, falling down
21. There was only 1 Captain from Star Trek and his name was Kirk
22. There was no such thing as reality stars
23. The Gooch was the most feared bully on TV. Extra points for anyone who gets that reference
24. O.J. Simpson ran through airports (sans knife and bloody glove) on hertz commercials
25. Michael Jackson was alive and Paul McCartney was dead (well only if you played the Beatles I’m so Tired backwards)
26. Vampires didn’t sparkle
27. The bathroom was "The Fonz's" office?
28. Donald Trump had bad hair – OK maybe things haven’t changed in that regard

My god, I am turning into my parents.  Now excuse me while I walk to work - - uphill…both ways