The Fine Line Between Being Sick And Supporting Aquaman

OK, so I go to bed, hoping to get a good night’s sleep before a busy day.  15 minutes later, I know something is wrong.  Anxiety over who will be the next Bachelor? No.  Troubled over if Kayne and Kim’s son will run into trouble giving people directions? No.  Rather, I start to feel sick.  I visit WebMd on my phone to find out what’s wrong.

• Trouble breathing
• Feeling Disey
• Tightness in chest
• Search Results: Polio

OK, now something is really wrong.  I don’t want to wake my son who is sleeping on the floor, but I know I need to get to a bathroom.  I maneuver through the room like OJ Simpson used to go through airports in those Hertz commercials.

I drop to my knees in the hallway and crawl to the bathroom.  I lay my face right over the bowl and what do I pray for?

• To get it over with?  No
• To not get sick? No
• That my arms are strong enough so I don’t plunge right into the water?  Yes.

I don’t get sick but now a dilemma.  Should I stay like this or should sit upright.  It was like my own Sophie’s choice.  Things are getting worse.  I am now sweating and am as white as a ghost…or as Richie Incognito.

 

I think I start to hallucinate.  Sweating, I start to wonder about random things:

• Can I remember any of the Hanson “mmmmbop” brother’s names?
• Who were those Menudo kids?
• Will One Direction suffer the same fate?

I see some towels and put them on the floor thinking that I will just rest for a bit; mind you, half naked and on the cold tile of the bathroom.  I think I pass out for a bit because I wake up with my face pressed against the sink.

I think I meekly call out for help, but regret doing so as soon as I do it.  I mean, what will happen.  My kids will wake up, walk in to the bathroom and see their daddy lying on the tile.

• Hi Daddy, what ya doing?
• Call 911
• Daddy, draw me a picture
• Call 911
• Daddy, who would win in a fight – The Hulk or Aquaman?
• Call 91…wait what?  Are you kidding me?  How the heck do you think Aquaman will beat the Hulk?  Call 911
• OK Daddy, Fine.  How do you spell 911?

Anyway, I make my way downstairs thinking I just need to lay down on a couch.  It’s cold and dark so I randomly pick up articles of clothing to keep me warm.  I pick up some socks for my feet and hands.  I pick up a jacket from the kitchen and go to lie down.  I am restless.  I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror with mismatched red, brown and green socks on my hands and feet and a pink jacket.  I looked like a deranged Elf from Chucky the killer doll’s shelf.

I toss and turn all night and finally my kids come see my on the couch.

• Hi Daddy, can we have milk and waffles?
• Oh guys, Daddy doesn’t feel well. 
• OK, but um daddy um, can we have Waffles now?

My kids say a lot of things, but they never say this

20 things my kids never say

1. Oh, you’re in the bathroom, I'll wait until you come out to talk to you
2. It appears we disagree.  Let’s talk this out and not yell…or whine… or throw things
3. Daddy, let’s leave this toy store.  I don’t want anything
4. Shhh, let’s go back to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour
5. While that candy looks appetizing, I don’t want to eat it or I will spoil my dinner
6. Wait!  Before I go outside, can you make sure I have on my jacket, gloves and hat
7. I don’t need a goodie bag, it’s their birthday party and it's not about me
8. Let me move back a few feet because I respect your personal space
9. More shampoo please
10. Let’s watch what YOU want to watch on TV
11. You look tired.  Let me sit here in silence while you rest
12. It’s OK, I’ll wait until you eat your dinner before asking you for something
13. Dear Santa.  All I want for Christmas is for peace on Earth
14. Let me ride my bike slowly around this turn, because you know, it's dangerous
15. I know we are out at a public place, so I will wait until we get home to throw a tantrum
16. Daddy, it’s my bedtime.  I want to put away all my toys and just go to sleep
17. I don’t care that it is the weekend, we should do homework because I have an ongoing thirst for knowledge
18. Quiet guys, Daddy is on the phone and we want to make sure he can hear the person he is talking to
19. We don't heat the whole world, let me close the door behind me
20. Daddy. (That’s it.  Just Daddy.  A single “Daddy”.  One time. Not followed up by Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!)

A Daddy’s guide to raising toddlers. What I’ve learned…so far

3 ½ years ago, what I knew about being a parent was basically from what I learned from watching Mike Brady dole out pearls of wisdom on the Brady Bunch (By the way, who has a personal butcher deliver meat to their house and how were those Brady kids not obese?) Anyway, I digress….So, my lack of parenting “experience” changed pretty quickly. In the span of 15 months, we welcomed 3 babies into the world. My children are now 3 ½, 3 ½, & 2 ½, I over the course of these years, I have picked up a few observations and lessons learned:

1. I spent the first year of my children’s life trying to get them to talk for the first time. I remember being so happy when I heard their first words. Now, a couple of years have passed and all I want them to do is to Shut The@%!* Up


2. I remember the first time I heard the word “Daddy”. It was such a wonderful experience. Hearing it 177 times in a row…in a whiny voice…not so much


3. You tend to lose track of the real value of things. For example, I would gladly pay $1,000 for a moment of silence


4. Without fail, my kids would rather play with the cheap cardboard box than the $100 gift that came inside it


5. With 3 babies, I learned how to sleep like a soldier. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, where you are or who is around, whenever you can get some shuteye – take it


6. When you’re at a party, it is just a matter of time before it will be your kid that is crying. Accept it and just wait your turn


7. Before you know it, you will start sounding like your parents. “Don’t waste food, there are starving people in (insert relevant country)”, “Close the door, do we heat/cool the whole world?” “When I was your age I never had all the things you have” “Because I said so, that’s why”


8. It's much easier to comment on other people’s parenting styles then your own. It’s also the reason why people without kids are the harshest critics and they also seem to give the most advice


9. And of course, I can say anything about my kid’s actions or behaviors – you can’t


10. There is a fine line between love and hate. OK I kid about the word hate, but having toddlers is very much like being bipolar. One minute they are the cutest most loving kids you could ever meet, and the next I swear they are the spawn of Satan put on this earth to see how far over the edge they can push me


11. You start saying things that you never, EVER, thought you would say…A LOT. I’ve used the words “Poopie” and “Tooshie” more times in the past year than I have in my 3 decades of existence. If I recall correctly, I think I have also told my kids I could eat them alive because they were so cute


12. You start DOING things you wouldn't have imagined as well. I remember looking at my brother in law when he would smell my niece's butt when she was little and thinking "what the heck are you doing"?. However, in the past 3 years I could be seen crawling around after my three kids on my hands and knees trying to get a whiff of their behinds to see who needed to be changed. HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!


13. I’ve realized that nap time is not just for the kids. Why did this practice ever go away as we got older?


14. As my kids get older, crying doesn’t bother me as much. As babies, I wanted to make sure everything was OK when I heard that cry. However, as they get older, there is much more “lag time” between the cry and my reaction (unless the cry is accompanied by a crashing sound).


15. Being the favorite is not all it’s cracked up to be. I know my wife won't like that comment, but truth be told, my youngest has an infatuation with me. It really is a great feeling. Daddy is the one to make it better when he is sick or the one he runs to when he is happy. Daddy is the one he calls for when he wakes up. However, Daddy is also the one to change his diaper…all the time, or bathe him, or brush his teeth, or walk with him, or carry him down the stairs…you get the picture…

Now, along with all the trials and tribulations of being a parent, it is also the purest form of love I have ever known. A smile can make my troubles go away. An “I love you daddy” can light up my day. A hug from one of my children is like medicine for my soul. The other day my son gave me his most precious stuffed animal to sleep with and it was worth more to me than any amount of money. There’s a saying that says you never know the love of your parents until you have a child. I believe this to be true.

However, in addition to being the purest form of love, it is also the most “painful and vulnerable”. Meaning, that with every fiber of my being I always want to protect my children from all harm, sadness and heartbreak…and I walk around knowing that I cannot. So there it is, what I have learned is that children are craziness & calmness, sadness & Joy, anger & peace and most importantly, above all else, LOVE