Bachelor - Week 5. The Most Awkward Lap Dance Ever

• Courtney talks about Kaci B’s one on one date with Ben.  She says “It could go one of two ways.”  Really? Did you do that math all by yourself?
• Ben talks about his date on a “Deserted” Island like he is fighting the elements and overcoming obstacles and fears.  Um, I am sure if you guys starve or get hurt or something, I’m sure the camera guy could float you a sandwich or a band-aid.
• By the way, if I were going on this show, I would tell the producers that my fear was fancy dinners, football and seeing women in bikinis
• Ben - “What do you like to do Kaci?”  Kaci - “I like to go to the grocery store”.  Really?  That is the 2^nd time you have mentioned it as a “go to” place for you.  What is it with the grocery stores in your hometown?  
• I think girls who don’t have some sort of sordid past or disease or death to open up about, really don’t stand a chance.  It’s like they have to one-up each other each week on “bringing down walls”.  God forbid you didn’t have an ex who smuggled cocaine across the Mexican border before breaking up with you sending you into a year-long depression.
• Some girl said “Ben is such a man’s man”.  Really whatever your name is, you really think so?  He is giving you a geography lesson as he uses a motor boat dressed in banana republic bright pink shorts.
• Some girl thought they “stumbled upon a village” – yeah a village which happened to have cameras and lighting and boom mikes all set up already.  If it was truly a stumbled upon village you would be boiling in a large pot at this point and being seasoned up for someone’s dinner.
• Really, if Ben wasn’t the bachelor, girls would not like him and he would more likely be the 5^th friend on the Big Bang Theory.
• With Courtney flashing herself in front of those kids, she probably is going to end up on some list or be banned from going to playgrounds unsupervised.
• Ben says "If you ladies weren’t here today, I would have turned around and went home".  What the heck does that mean? Why would you be boating by yourself to some “stumbled upon village” where all the guys are in thongs?  Of course if they weren’t there you would have turned around!
• Does anyone else think that Courtney goes back to the house and sits in the corner of the room turning the lights on and off saying “I will not be ignored Ben” all Fatal Attraction like.
• I’m waiting for this Salsa Dance Off between Blakely and Rachel to turn into one of those kids movies where they get all gansta on each other while doing the samba.
• Also, note to self, if I ever go on one of these shows, learn how to fake cry.
• Blakely makes a scrapbook out of cut headlines from magazines and newspapers.  You know who also does that, Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs.
• The girls in the house are playing “dead pool” with the girls.  The guy comes and takes Blakely’s luggage and they are passing around money from their wagers!
• Chris Harrison = Therapist
• If I were the producer of the Bachelor, I would have this mysterious “Michael” actually on the show, and then have him propose to Kaci S. and ultimately have Michael go talk to Ben.
• You know when Kaci S. is telling Ben about Michael, he is thinking, damn, can I go get Blakely back.
• Note to Kaci S; don’t cry to a guy over another guy who doesn’t want to marry you.  Basically she is saying “I don’t want to be with him, so I guess I’ll be with you”.
• When Kaci S. is bawling to Chris Harrison you know he is thinking “Now I know why Michael doesn’t want to marry you”.
• Chris Harrison said, “If you’re not open to finding love on this show, it won’t work”.  Ah, Chris, have you seen the track record of the relationships on this show, it won’t work anyway
• Note to the producers, when the girls are bawling and talking – please add subtitles.
• OMG – did this girl create a workplan for kissing Ben?
• Why do I feel that Ben will absolutely pick the girl that he couldn’t get in real life (i.e. Courtney) instead of the girl that he is more compatible with (i.e. Kaci B).

How to Avoid Getting Killed By A Tube of Toothpaste & Other Useful Israeli Travel Tips

I recently spent a few days (yes days) in Israel.  All it took was a 1.5 hour flight to my connection, a 6 hour layover, and then the 11 hour flight to Tel Aviv.  However, the flight wasn’t the bad part of it, it was actually the anticipation.  Anticipation for what you may ask.  Well just Google “Israeli Airport Security” and you will see.  When I Googled it, I got two responses.

1)       Israel upset with Iran, may plan attack on nuclear stations

2)       Going through Israeli security is like getting a colonoscopy and tooth extraction at the same time, yet not as pleasant

So going in, I had already planned to either be on the news as someone drafted into Attack Force 1 heading into Iran, or I would be spending my time in an Israeli airport detention center trying to explain why I had 4 pairs of underwear for a 3 day stay. 

Getting Into Israel

So after all this research about security, I show up at the airport basically feeling guilty already for something.  I don’t know what that something was, but I knew that these well trained agents would uncover whatever it was I was hiding.  By the time I got to my first security checkpoint I was already confessing “YES, it was me who stole little Mary’s candy bar in the 4^th grade, but I’M SORRRY!!!!”  Well, he didn’t care much about Mary and her poor candy, but he did stare me down and keep asking me questions over and over.  Are you sure you packed this by yourself, is there any chance you’re not remembering it correctly, is your real name Kaiser Sose?”

He then looks at my passport and some other paperwork I had and asks me to remain where I am as he goes off to talk to his supervisors.  I wait about 15 minutes, which in security time feels about 6 hours, and he returns and asks “Are you sure you didn’t have anyone else pack your bags”.  I finally convince him that, yes, despite my appearance, I am more than capable of packing my own bags, and I went on my way.

After 6 hours of waiting for my flight to take off, I go through TSA security, which, let’s be honest, comparing TSA to  Israeli security, is like comparing Cy Young to Richard Pryor’s Montgomery Brewster of the Hackensack Bulls.  Here is another comparison; TSA will take away my toothpaste if it is 3.1 ounces.  Israeli security will kill me with that same 3.1 ounce tube of toothpaste.

Anyway, I get to the gate and there are people in various lines (Economy, Business, First) waiting in what appears to be an orderly fashion.  So I get in line and do what normal civilized people have been doing for generations, which is, actually waiting in the line.  As soon as the gate agent picks up the microphone to ask for people needing extra assistance to board the plan, the entire area bum rushed the gate.  Seriously, you would have thought that only 4 golden tickets have been found and beyond the gate lay the last case of Wonka Bars.  That or everyone in the gate area just heard their soccer team won (or lost).  I kid you not; people were pushing and shoving, forgetting any semblance to the once orderly line (or civilization).  Mind you, these weren’t the people who actually needed the extra assistance, oh no, those poor people in the wheel chairs had no chance!

So, I still try to maintain some level of order before the chaos turned into anarchy, and what do you know, I get to the agent, they look at my passport and pause.  Then they look at me quizzically and ask if I spoke Hebrew.  When I said I don’t, they looked at the passport again, and said – “But it says here that you do” referring to some scribbles the previous security guard wrote down.  “I assure you miss, I barely speak English and I think the only Hebrew I know is “Hebrew National” Hotdogs.  Needless to say, I was asked to wait (as everyone else continued shoving past me).  She consulted her supervisors and I watched them having a discussion, pointing at my passport and in my hysteria imaging they are saying “Should we take him out here, or have our agents in Tel Aviv do away with him?  She finally comes back to me and as I am preparing to make a run for it, she says “Have a good flight”…and that’s it.  No explanation, nothing.

On the Plane

It is a sad state of affairs when I can get on a plane, eat a big dinner, watch a movie, go to sleep, wake up, and still have hours of flying to go!  I actually kid about the watch a movie part…well sort of.  The airline had several movies to choose from, so I chose Killer Elite.  The problem was, it would play for about 7 minutes and then stop and restart…constantly.  So I would start to get into the movie only to be brought back to the beginning.  So while I watched about an hour of the movie, it was the first 7 minutes over and over.  I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, although I didn’t really learn any new skills, and I didn’t drive angry!  Spoiler alert, nothing really happens in the first 7 minutes.  I can only assume that Robert Deniro ended up being the bad guy in an “I see dead people” plot twist. 

The other interesting thing on waking up was that I came out of a poor sleep and was a little groggy, and when I look up I see 5 people by the plane door, in what I assumed to be a frantic attempt to open the door 37,000 feet up in the air.  No one else seemed to be worried however, and I was eventually educated that they were praying.

To further show my ignorance, when dinner was served, I received a full course meal, with my main dish being a beef stew.  When I got my warm dinner role, I looked around, saw I was missing something, and asked the flight attendant for butter.  I was told, no, I cannot have butter.  I was a little perplexed, I said why; can I not have butter miss?  Did I do something?  Evidently it was a kosher plane.  Later in the flight, one of my seat mates asked me if I was Jewish.  Well actually he said “You’re not Jewish right?” So I said “did the butter thing give me away?”

Getting back to the US

All I can say is thank you for whatever form my company filled out.  It was basically like I had a hall pass.  Now I know what feels like to be one of the untouchables.  I walked right pass Elliott Ness, showed my form and my passport and away I went.  OK, it wasn’t that easy, but it was nowhere near the experiences I read online.

All in all it actually was a great, if short trip.  I was able to have a couple of nice dinners out on the town with extremely friendly people, was always treated respectfully, even though I did not understand the language, and  was only disappointed that I was unable to stay longer to visit other areas of the country.  

Bachelor Breakdown: The Skinny Dipping Episode

Week four of the Bachelor - better known as the "skinny dipping" episode!

1. Nikki got a Date card in Spanish and another girl had to translate.  If I were that girl, I would have translated incorrectly.  Instead of the card saying “Let’s find Love in San Juan”, I would have told her that it said “Nikki – I have fallen for a guy named Juan – please go home”.
2. Ben seems surprised that Nikki is not complaining about the rain.  Um, Ben, she is trying to win the game.  In real life she would have cursed you out for not bringing an umbrella.
3. Nikki:  “Dating Ben makes me feel…” I’m sorry Nikki, did you say Dating Ben?  Is that what you think you are doing here???
4. Blakely’s occupation says “VIP Cocktail Waitress”.  Is that a euphemism for stripper?
5. Girls, when you try to emulate baseball players wearing black under their eye’s, know that its grease to prevent sun glare – not mascara
6. Ben said he has only had a few serious relationships.  Does he count the 30 days of sharing Ashley with 20 other guys as serious?  I guess he has to since he proposed – just not sure how he reconciles that.
7. Some girl said “I want my 2^nd chance at a fairy tale. “ Maybe instead of the Bachelor you should watch the Alternate ending to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
8. I find when the girls talk it’s actually pretty boring.  That must be why the producers queue the mood music – to try to make it seem better than it really is
9. Ben holds the rose out to the girl on the 1:1 and then doesn’t give it to her.  Really? Did you have to hold the rose out?  That is just cruel. How would you have liked it Ben if when you proposed to Ashley she took the ring, looked at it, and then said – naaa – this isn’t going to work.
10. Girl who got voted off during 1:1 - “I just don’t understand what I did wrong?”  Uh, you opened your mouth and spoke.
11. The one thing Courtney does do is really dispel all those stereotypes about models.  You know the ones where all models are these smart, intelligent, coherent, non-shallow people.
12. Does Courtney have parents? Are they watching this show?  I hope for their sake she told them she was on American Idol or something.
13. Emily – oh Emily, you were so close.  I guess you haven’t learned your lesson.  
14. Emily talking about model Courtney:  “I don’t know why Ben would keep someone so shallow”?  Ummm, have you seen Courtney skinny dipping?
15. Courtney says the other girls do not have the same connection that she and Ben have.  Oh, you mean they keep their clothes on?
16. If Ben picks Courtney in the end, it will be like Jake picking Vienna – and we know how that worked out. They might as well triple date with Bentley

Bachelor Breakdown: Week 3

You will notice while reading my comments about the bachelor that, to me, the girls do not have names yet.  Not that it really matters.  I look at the bachelor girls in the same way that I reprimand my children.  When reprimanding my child, I may not get their name right when I tell one of them to stop whining (or hitting, or making a mess, etc) but sooner or later, whatever kid I scolded will eventually do it anyway, so law of averages works out.  Therefore, with week 3 of the bachelor in the books…

1. We are 5 minutes into the show and someone is crying already?  Seriously?  This girl is surprised that Ben is going out with other women.  Have you not watched this show before?
2.  Random Girl - “It’s been a long time since I felt this way”.  First of all, you are 21 years old.  What, were you 4 the last time you felt this way?  And, what way in particular?  The last time you fell for a guy who was dating 20 other women?
3.  Did the model actually say “Winning”.  Many things are wrong with this.  First, didn’t that Charlie Sheen quote go out of style 5 minutes ago?  Second, if you consider what you are doing as winning, you need to re-evaluate your definition of the word.
4. Random Girl with no clue on relationships - “I wish Ben and I were going Grocery shopping right now”.  OK, listen up, I know you are romanticizing your future together, but try to aim higher.
5. Ben “I have no idea what is holding Rachel back?”  Really Ben?  You don’t think it MAY have something to do with the 15 other women you are making out with on a daily basis?  Perhaps that is what is holding her back!
6. Some girl mentions Ben and Ashley.  I honestly had no clue who Ashley was.  Oh, the girl he proposed to on the last season of Bachelorette.  It must have been minute 16 of her fame ride.
7. Sorry Ben, no one who has hair like you has a “Rough Side”.
8. Hey, theater girl!  If you need all this re-assurance, you probably should have picked a different show to be on – like wheel of fortune.
9. Why are the women upset when another girl leaves?  I know they are not the brightest bunch, but someone needs to sit them down, get some construction paper & crayons and then walk through simple percentages.  “OK random girl, Billy has to choose from 4 lollipops which gives each lollipop a 25% chance of being selected, if one of those lollipops has an emotional breakdown and leaves, do the remaining lollipops have a better or worse chance of being picked”?
10. Someone actually said – “I love being completely alone with Ben”… yeah, except for the camera man, and crew…
11. Random Girl “Sometimes you can wait years for a love like this”.  Like what? Like a reality show love that will be over before “After the final rose” airs?
12. Maybe the girls don't know how TV shows are put together?  I feel that way when one of them said “It makes me feel special that Ben put this date together for me”.  Seriously, you think Ben did that?  Maybe you should date Ramon the producer?
13. Ben “My wife is in that room”.  Sorry to break it to you Ben, but no, she is not.  Have you looked at the track record of this show?
14. So Emily will be the new Bachelorette.  I would think that anyone who gets to the final 2 would want to lose.  Choices are 1) Win, and get a failed relationship or 2) lose and be the next bachelor/ette.  Losing is winning as the model (or Mr. Sheen) would say

The Good Old Days

I remember when my parents & grandparents used to tell me about “back when they were a kid” and how so many things have changed.  How my generation had it so easy, dressed so weird, had crazy hairstyles and listened to horrible music.  “What is this “noise” you’re listening to?”  (By the way, I think it was Run DMC & LL Cool J and try not to think about that one time with Samantha Fox).  They talked about the difference in growing up and how they walked uphill to school (both ways). 

Well the other day I was thinking about how kids today and how things were very different back when I was growing up. 

1. When I was little I had an X-Box Kinect, except it was called actually going outside and playing with my friends
2. We wouldn’t email or text anyone.  We would however, write on a piece of paper, pass it across the classroom so a girl could read: “Do you like me?  Yes. No. Maybe.  Check one box”
3. I never had a play date.  Instead I walked to my friends houses, knocked on their door and asked if they could come out and play
4. We used an encyclopedia not Google. Plagiarizing was much, much harder!
5. We answered the phone with Hello because we had no idea who was calling
6. I wasn’t worried about drugs or pregnancy, however I was worried about getting picked last for kickball
7. Yes, at one point I had only 5 channels on TV, yet there was always something to watch
8. I didn’t have an I-Pad, I-Pod, I-Home, PSP, Nintendo DS etc - but I did have an imagination – oh yeah, and my GI-Joe action figures
9. Social Networking was when we actually met people face to face
10. I would call adults Mr. or Mrs.  I didn’t even know they HAD first names
11. Calling your kids on their cell phone? Nope, didn’t exist, but parents screaming out their front door that it was time for dinner – everyone heard that!
12. Girls wore earrings, boys didn’t
13. Taking candy from strangers?  Yay…free candy!
14. Aids didn’t exist until I heard about Magic Johnson
15. I knew what Willis was talking about
16. Receipts from stores were actually short and not a dissertation about such-and-such brand that brought down an acres of rain forest to print
17. Family game night was played with actual board games and not with family members in different rooms linked together through wi-fi
18. Baseball hats were worn facing forward
19. We would talk to strangers and respect adults
20. Roller Skating was considered fun – until the slow song came on and you sweated over finding a girl to skate with, and of course, falling down
21. There was only 1 Captain from Star Trek and his name was Kirk
22. There was no such thing as reality stars
23. The Gooch was the most feared bully on TV. Extra points for anyone who gets that reference
24. O.J. Simpson ran through airports (sans knife and bloody glove) on hertz commercials
25. Michael Jackson was alive and Paul McCartney was dead (well only if you played the Beatles I’m so Tired backwards)
26. Vampires didn’t sparkle
27. The bathroom was "The Fonz's" office?
28. Donald Trump had bad hair – OK maybe things haven’t changed in that regard

My god, I am turning into my parents.  Now excuse me while I walk to work - - uphill…both ways

How far has Tebow mania gone?

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him  around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I travel.  I travel a lot.  I have flown over a million miles in my lifetime.  I have woke up in hotels and not known where I was because it is my 3^rd location in 3 days.  I have ridden in rental cars from small cars I couldn't fit in to mini-vans I could swim in.  Many of my friends and family (and strangers) think travel is glamorous.  Well think again…

Going Through Security

These people are not your friends, nor do they have a sense of humor.  If they ask you to take off your shoes, please do it.  Do not engage in a discussion around why you shouldn’t have to.  Do not then walk through with your shoes on and act surprised when they pull you into the holding pen – which by the way is just a glass enclosure where you are on display like a goldfish with people staring and poking the glass at you.  You will not win the argument and you will hold up the rest of us.

Now, I am not on a soapbox about security agents.  They have their faults too.  My biggest issue? Its how they use the conveyor belt for their own personal amusement.  You know what I mean.  Your luggage and laptop and shoes and coat are all going through.  You wait on the other end with the other passengers like your awaiting the birth of a baby – staring into the abyss – yep there it is, my laptop is coming out…And it’s a DELL!  It would be fine if it ended there – but no such luck.  Bags pile up – the belt keeps running, things are crashing into each other and travelers frantically try to get on their shoes, get their 3 oz liquids packed, and answer their ringing cell phone.  All the while your thinking, yeah, the TSA agent can stop the belt and this chaos.  Its is most likely this vicious circle of events.  I bet as a kid, the TSA Conveyor belt guy would chase the ice-cream truck yelling STOP ICE CREAM MAN STOP as the driver looked in the mirror and sped up just a little to get that person to run faster.  I choose to just stand there and wait for this game to stop – while eating an ice cream cone!

Delays at Airports

You rush through security, you get to your gate and you see the dreaded 20 minutes delayed for your flight.  Now, frequent travelers know that airport delay times are like dog years, you have to do a conversion to understand the true impact.  20 minutes delay means that the plane hasn’t even left yet from the airport it is coming from, but the airlines do not want to give you enough notification so you can actually go somewhere for the 2 hours it will take (best case) to get here.  Rather the delay time is updated in 20 minute increments with the announcement saying – even though were telling you there is no way the flight can get here, you have to stay in the boarding area. 

That leaves us stranded travelers searching out the three most valuable commodities during airport delays

1.       An outlet.  People will camp out next to an overflowing dumpster just to be able to plug in their phone or laptop

2.       Decent food.  I don’t know why I do it, but I will look at a sandwhich and even though I know that the 7 other times I have had it, it tasted like cardboard…I still go for #8.  WHY do I think this time will be different?

Using Overhead Space

I am not sure if people understand the proper use of overhead space.  This space is for carry-on luggage.  I could go into how people try to fit these oversized bags into this tiny space when the laws of measurements dictate that it won’t happen.  However, I am going in the other direction.  I come on with my properly sized carry-on bag and go to put it in the overhead space by my seat.  What’s there – another bag? Nope. Rather a hat. Or a suit-jacket.  A Hat? Seriously? You couldn’t wear it or put it on your lap on a full flight?  And your suit jacket? The proper protocol is for you to put your jacket on-top of your bag – not lying down taking up a whole spot for a bag.  And when I ask – it becomes like a desert scene – tumbleweeds blowing across the aisle… no one says a word

Sitting on the Plane

You think that this would be the easiest part of the trip.  Get to your seat, sit down and either hold on with white knuckles, or kick back and relax depending on your point of view.  If it were only that easy!  Once I sit down, here are, in no particular order, the things that will ultimately happen:

·         The person getting into the seat behind me will continuously pull down on the back of my seat when getting up or down – causing me to either spill my drink, drop my phone, or get more dizzy than when I rode space mountain in Disney World

·         The person in front of me will recline their seat all the way back, crushing my knees, snapping my laptop shut on my fingers, all while giving me a birds-eye view of their scalp

·         I will be reading a book, in fact I will have the book right up to my face like I am trying to burrow my way into it, and the person next to me will feel that somehow this is body language that screams, lets engage in a conversation

·         I will sit in the Aisle seat and when “window seat person” either comes in or out of the row, they don’t even wait for me to get up and let them in/out, they just squeeze right by me.  Let me tell you, face first, back first, it doesn’t matter – there is no good way to do this.

Getting off the plane

There is this rule of “turns” that we learned when we are 2 or 3 years old.  You know, as in, there is an orderly fashion for things and we all take our appropriate turn. This rule does not go away just because you are on a plane.  So, when it comes time to de-board the plane, that doesn’t mean that last one out is a rotten egg.  It means that we orderly get up according to row, get your bags and leave the plane.  And while I understand catching a connection, there is such a thing as courtesy where you say excuse me, rather than hip-checking me back into my seat like you are from the old Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Team.

Checking Luggage

The best I say about waiting for your checked baggage is equate it to playing a game of Russian Roulette.  You know that someone (bag) will not make it through, you just hope it’s not yours.

So the next time someone tells you about all the trips they have to take, hold off on those jealous feelings, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds!