Bachelor Finale: Or how Ashley is the real winner!

In the biggest “no duh” move since I picked the Harlem Globetrotters to beat that team they play all the time, Ben finally picked Courtney

Things that would have made this the most shocking bachelor finale ever…

1. Ben giving the final roles to one of the sheep sitting outside the cottage he’s staying at in Switzerland
2. Ben gets eaten by a Zombie
3. The couple is actually in love and stays together
4. In an amazing cross network cross-over, Ben get’s thrown into the octagon for an ultimate fighting championship match.  His opponent is his hair

• What do ex-bachelorette’s get for Valentine’s Day?  I gotta think roses are pretty passé by now
• Chris Harrison says “Will Ben make the right choice” – Too late, he already agreed to be on the show
• You know who is the happiest that this season is over?  The ABC hairstylists
• Is the slow motion montage supposed to make me like these people more?
• What the heck is Ben crying about when he sees his mom and sister? It’s not like he was just released from a Turkish prison
• What do the girls love about you? “Well sis, I gave them a rose”
• Ben:  “My concern with Lindzi is do I need more time with her?”  What, you mean the 2 weeks of splitting between Lindzi and 20 other women wasn’t enough for you to propose.
• Model?  Are we sure Courtney is not an actress because she pulled the wool over Ben’s family’s eyes?
• Stuck on the Gondola, Lindzi knows it is the place and time to open up to Ben because the producer is standing behind him with cue cards.
• Lindzi “I am 200% vulnerable”.  Well Lindzi, first of all, that is mathematically impossible
• When a girl says “I love you” and a guy says “Awww Thank You”, it’s pretty much over
• Apparently ABC is in a contract where there must be a helicopter ride during which Ben and “fill in the blank” simultaneously say OMG (thanks Amy!)
• At this point, the producers are creating these scrapbooks for all the girls just in case they are picked in the end
• The Jeweler stops by. “No thanks Nathan Lane (or whatever the Jeweler’s name is), I still have the one from the last show”.
• Ben: “I can’t imagine life getting any better!”.   Yeah Ben, it’s not going to
• Courtney: “When Ben and I get engaged, I know it will last forever”. Um, yeah…or at least until Bachelor Pad 4 casting begins
• Ben to Lindzi in another example of him being a total idiot.  “I’ve fallen in love with you, but I am in love with someone else. I love someone else.  Sorry”
• Upon not getting the final rose, Lindzi gives us two more proof points as to why these women will never find love
• “I’m mad at myself for not giving you what you needed”
• “If things don’t work out, call me”
• Ben, you know you are really going to have to break the bank on your next proposal.  “You are really my forever, no really…seriously…stop laughing”
• Courtney: “This is supposed to be a story about love..”.  Oh sweetie, that is so cute, but no

Bachelor: The Women Tell All (Or the women get an extra 5 minutes of fame)

At this point, in order for next weeks episode to be "the most controversial finale of the bachelor ever", Ben would have to kill someone!

• Speaking of extending fame an extra couple of minutes, is this "where are they now thing" supposed to bring back fond memories of bachelors past?  It's more like that bad sushi I ate last night that is coming back to haunt me.
•  So, bachelor pad 3 is coming out.  This brings up a couple of key questions:
• Does the show come with Purell?
• How about antibiotics
• Do these people have jobs?
• Or lives?
• I think putting "occupation" subtitles on the screen for these people is walking that fine line of truth on television
• So, the women tell all episode?  I'm glad this show dispels the rumors that women are catty
• Girls, you all learned this in second grade.  Raise your hand if you wish to speak.
• I don't understand this hatred for Shawntel.  Move on because you were on Brads season? She's Brads dumpster trash? Well then by your logic not only is Ben Ashely's dumpster trash but all of you ladies are Ben's dumpster trash. Don't throw stones.
• One of the girls says about  Shawntel : "There's a right way and a wrong way to address the girls when you walk into the room".  No little one, there is no right way to ever BE seen on this show.
• Who the he'll is Samantha? Is she loud because no one remembers her from the show?  
• Chris Harrison finishes these girls sentences for them.  Fact is, he finishes them the same way every season regardless of which girl it is.  So you fell in love with him...it was hard...you're ok now...I bet there are guys in (insert girls city) who are happy your single
•  All the girls said they were blindsided when they didn't get the rose.  Well of course, they all said they loved him, he makes out with them and it's only later he says "sorry, didn't see it going anywhere"
• Sorry whatever your name is, you were NOT in love.
• Every time Courtney talks an angel loses his wings
• * Gotta give a Jeff a shout out for triggering this thought
• Look, I don't like Courtney at all, and I get that the girls don't like her because of how she talked about them...BUT weren't these the same girls that made fun of  Shawntel's hips about 15 minutes ago?
•  I half expected Courtney to look at the camera as she walked behind the curtain, shoot her finger guns and say "phew, phew winning"
• Jen says "I mean how could you take Blakely home to your mom (looks at Blakely) No offense."  Umm, No offense? of course not, why would that be offensive?
• Oh Jenna, you crazy insane blogger...how I missed you

Bachelor Breakdown Week 9: The "Just in Case Kacie B had any dignity left" edition

 “All the stuff I had to go through to get to this point is worth it”  What exactly did you go through Ben other than 20 women who threw themselves at you?

Date with Nikki

• Does Ben go on a picnic everywhere? It’s like he (or the producers) run out of ideas so just like Wile E. Coyote always goes to the old Acme Exploding Carton trick, they go to the old picnic basket.  By the way, the only way his dates would actually be interesting would be if that picnic basket exploded like Wile E’s Acme stuff.
• Ben, I don’t think it’s that cold where you need to wear that full snow suit.  Seriously, you look like Ralphy's brother from a Christmas Story.
• Nikki and Ben are at the top of the mountain with a bunch of stacked rocks.  I bet that was someone’s grave they just roasted marshmallows on.
• Nikki “I've thought about our future and our love a-lot”.  A lot Nikki? You mean in the past 20 days that this TV show was shot? That a lot?
• Ben:  “I hope she says yes to the overnight” – uh yeah Ben, she’s already said she loved you, my money is she stays the night.
• Why do they always act surprised when they get the fantasy suite card?  And really, fantasy suite? We all know what that means.  The card might as well just be a drawing of two stick figures going at it.
• Ben said he was happy that Nikki was putting herself out there.  I think he just meant putting out.

Date with Lindzi

• Jumping out of a helicopter wasn’t enough to throw at the girl who is scared of heights?  What is this fear factor? Why don’t you just dump a bucket of poisonous spiders on her while you’re at it?
• OK Ben, don’t over-react.  My 4 year old kid rappelled down a bigger rock wall at the local my-gym
• “Normally I don’t spend the night with anyone…” what they edited out was the rest of the sentence…”but now that there are camera's around, I t makes me feel so Paris Hilton like”

Date with Courtney

• “I like how Courtney is extremely unique and a little bit Nerdy”.  I think what you meant to say Ben is you like how Courtney gets naked and swims with me
• Ben: “Courtney, have you ever played “hey cow”.   Courtney: “No Ben, I had a life”.
• Another picnic and this time right in the middle of cow manure.  Awesome Ben…just awesome.
• I bet the producers are whispering in Ben’s ear – “keep the crazy one Ben”
• Really Ben, the fantasy suite shouldn’t be a big deal, you’ve already seen Courtney naked

Emily the new Bachelorette

• Ali and Ashley are here to give Emily Advice.  Yeah, Ali just broke up with Roberto and Ashley fell for Bentley.
• Emily says my life is finally back to normal with little Ricky.  The kid’s dad dies, her mom goes away to be on Brad Womack’s version of the bachelor and now she is the bachelorette.  Yeah this is exactly what that kid needs for normalcy.
• Ashley is talking about the movie Titanic and saying that Jack & Rose are the epitome of a perfect relationship.  Spoiler alert Ashley, Jack dies.

Kacie B makes a re-appearance.

•  And with that, Kacie’s last shred of dignity goes poof.  

Thumbs down to Ben! Don't worry Nikki, you are way better off not being with this guy!

Bachelor Week 8: The Hometown Dates

The Hometown Dates: Also known as putting unrealistic expectations on your parents to pretend to approve of your horrible choice to go on this show.

Lindzi:

• Ben is the 2^nd guy Lindzi has brought home?  Wow Lindzi your selection process has a lot to be desired
• Lindzi looks good – I wonder if that is because the only other girl I am comparing her to is Chester the horse?
• “Every time I put my heart out there it ended in heartache”. Every time?  Really, I am sorry your relationship as a sophomore in high school didn’t work out.
• He seems surprised that  Lindzi was going to marry her last boyfriend and wonders if she is ready.  Uh Ben, look in the mirror at your own recent history…or better yet, log on to www.ABC.com or do a quick YouTube search on Ashley the crazy bachelorette no one liked.
• Lindzi 's Dad said it’s a tradition to do Chariot races.  If I were the dad, I would have added – it’s a tradition to also joust to the death with real spears
• How come the girls always say – “I didn’t expect coming in to this that I would find love”?  Um, first, you didn’t. Second, what did you expect?

Kacie B:

• Evidently, the school named field after her grandfather.  Hate to tell you Kacie, 5 years and 10 grand later that field will be renamed to “Snapple” stadium.
• Ben brings a bottle of wine and opens it on high school field – isn’t that some sort of violation?
• Why does Ben expect the girl to move to where he lives?  This is why these things don’t work out.  The girl will say ANYTHING to get picked, then in the real world she is like “move? You want me to move? No way wine boy!”
• “This is a chance for my dad to see I found somebody”.  Seriously? Do these girls even listen to themselves?
• Kacie and Ben are surprised that her dad is skeptical of “the bachelor”. My lord, just pick up an US Weekly or In Touch magazine and you will wonder no more.
• “I’m not sure Kacie’s dad like me”.  Well Ben, you told him you had feelings for other girls in addition to his daughter.  You’re lucky he didn’t shoot you and mount your head in their den.
• Kacie is frustrated her dad doesn’t trust her judgment? Well, you probably quit your job, went on a dating reality show and now say you’re in love and would accept a marriage proposal without ever dating Ben in real life.  Mmm, I wonder why he doesn’t trust your judgment.

Nicki

• Who the hell is Nicki? 
• No seriously, who is she? Was she on the show all along?

Courtney

• “My mom is like me, she doesn’t trust men”.  It’s no wonder that your dad is outside all the time with a bottle of wine!
• Courtney, maybe you shouldn’t molest Ben in front of your parents.
• Knowing how hot and cold Courtney runs, I am surprised they didn’t walk out of their fake marriage and go down the street and get it fake annulled

 The verdict

Kaci gets voted off and says “Ben, I don’t want you to be broken hearted”.  Yeaaaah. I’d be more like, "um, I sort of want you to pick the crazy model girl and get crushed yourself Benny Boy.

Bachelor Week 7: Bachelor Thunderdome: 6 Girls Enter, 4 Girls Leave

This show is starting to remind me of the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.  For those who have seen the movie, the title of this post should make sense (and it is the only Tina Turner line in any movie I will ever remember).  But the connection is not really that hard to make.  Mad Max and Crazy Courtney.  Now there is a reality show I would watch; Mel Gibson vs. Courtney the model to see who is the craziest SOB on the planet.  See, it fits!  Now onto the week in review:

·         I’ve seen enough of these shows to know, if the girls do not say “I'm falling in love with you” they’re screwed.  It goes something like this... “I know it’s only been 4 weeks and we’ve only been on group dates and you’ve been hooking up with 20 other women, but seriously Ben, I am falling in Love with you.”

·         Chris Harrison says “I just talked to Ben and he feels his wife is in this room”.  Ben, you’ve seen the show.  You have more of a chance marrying Chris Harrison than you do one of the contestants.

·         Harrison then goes on to say “He believe’s he will get down on 1 knee and propose”.  Well, we all watched Ashley’s season.  Getting Ben down on 1 knee and proposing is not really a big accomplishment.  Been proposing on a reality show?  Been there, done that.

·         The show is almost over and I still don’t know these girls names.  There is “The Horse girl”, “Bitchy Model”, “Girl who complained about Bitchy Model” and 3 others.

·         One of the girls compared Ben to a delicious piece of cheesecake...I think a more appropriate desert would be a blob of rice pudding

·         Ben and girl are walking down an isolated walkway and see a romantic table for 2 set up.  Girl says “is that for us"? Um, No, this town just treats the homeless really well.

·        Holy awkward small talk during that dinner.  It’s like they try to combine getting to know you with baring your soul and are met with disastrous results.

o    Ben: "I like cabbage"

o    Girl: "I'm falling in love with you".

o    Ben: "Do you like cabbage too?"

·       When Ben barged into the basketball game, I wanted the dudess to dunk on him and then say no blood no foul.  That would have been a classic moment in reality TV and made a star out of the “extra”

·        Ben says “Emily is so smart”.  Mmmm, no, not really, it's that you are so  dumb

·         Ben is talking about how he and some girl are walking through the jungle and randomly come across some old temple.  Randomly? Who do you think you are?  Indiana Jones?  In my history lessons, I don’t recall the Mayans having High-Definition video cameras situated around their statues taking home videos of the goddess Isis

·         Since when does getting out of your comfort zone and overcoming your fears become a critical part of a relationship?

·         Courtney got a spark, then lost her spark, then got it back again all in about 3 minutes. Red flag buddy!  If that doesn’t equal high maintenance, then what does?

·         If Courtney was any more shallow, Ben would have to wear swimmies

·         I think Courtney's on a drug, and it's called Charlie Sheen

Bachelor - Week 5. The Most Awkward Lap Dance Ever

• Courtney talks about Kaci B’s one on one date with Ben.  She says “It could go one of two ways.”  Really? Did you do that math all by yourself?
• Ben talks about his date on a “Deserted” Island like he is fighting the elements and overcoming obstacles and fears.  Um, I am sure if you guys starve or get hurt or something, I’m sure the camera guy could float you a sandwich or a band-aid.
• By the way, if I were going on this show, I would tell the producers that my fear was fancy dinners, football and seeing women in bikinis
• Ben - “What do you like to do Kaci?”  Kaci - “I like to go to the grocery store”.  Really?  That is the 2^nd time you have mentioned it as a “go to” place for you.  What is it with the grocery stores in your hometown?  
• I think girls who don’t have some sort of sordid past or disease or death to open up about, really don’t stand a chance.  It’s like they have to one-up each other each week on “bringing down walls”.  God forbid you didn’t have an ex who smuggled cocaine across the Mexican border before breaking up with you sending you into a year-long depression.
• Some girl said “Ben is such a man’s man”.  Really whatever your name is, you really think so?  He is giving you a geography lesson as he uses a motor boat dressed in banana republic bright pink shorts.
• Some girl thought they “stumbled upon a village” – yeah a village which happened to have cameras and lighting and boom mikes all set up already.  If it was truly a stumbled upon village you would be boiling in a large pot at this point and being seasoned up for someone’s dinner.
• Really, if Ben wasn’t the bachelor, girls would not like him and he would more likely be the 5^th friend on the Big Bang Theory.
• With Courtney flashing herself in front of those kids, she probably is going to end up on some list or be banned from going to playgrounds unsupervised.
• Ben says "If you ladies weren’t here today, I would have turned around and went home".  What the heck does that mean? Why would you be boating by yourself to some “stumbled upon village” where all the guys are in thongs?  Of course if they weren’t there you would have turned around!
• Does anyone else think that Courtney goes back to the house and sits in the corner of the room turning the lights on and off saying “I will not be ignored Ben” all Fatal Attraction like.
• I’m waiting for this Salsa Dance Off between Blakely and Rachel to turn into one of those kids movies where they get all gansta on each other while doing the samba.
• Also, note to self, if I ever go on one of these shows, learn how to fake cry.
• Blakely makes a scrapbook out of cut headlines from magazines and newspapers.  You know who also does that, Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs.
• The girls in the house are playing “dead pool” with the girls.  The guy comes and takes Blakely’s luggage and they are passing around money from their wagers!
• Chris Harrison = Therapist
• If I were the producer of the Bachelor, I would have this mysterious “Michael” actually on the show, and then have him propose to Kaci S. and ultimately have Michael go talk to Ben.
• You know when Kaci S. is telling Ben about Michael, he is thinking, damn, can I go get Blakely back.
• Note to Kaci S; don’t cry to a guy over another guy who doesn’t want to marry you.  Basically she is saying “I don’t want to be with him, so I guess I’ll be with you”.
• When Kaci S. is bawling to Chris Harrison you know he is thinking “Now I know why Michael doesn’t want to marry you”.
• Chris Harrison said, “If you’re not open to finding love on this show, it won’t work”.  Ah, Chris, have you seen the track record of the relationships on this show, it won’t work anyway
• Note to the producers, when the girls are bawling and talking – please add subtitles.
• OMG – did this girl create a workplan for kissing Ben?
• Why do I feel that Ben will absolutely pick the girl that he couldn’t get in real life (i.e. Courtney) instead of the girl that he is more compatible with (i.e. Kaci B).

Bachelor Breakdown: The Skinny Dipping Episode

Week four of the Bachelor - better known as the "skinny dipping" episode!

1. Nikki got a Date card in Spanish and another girl had to translate.  If I were that girl, I would have translated incorrectly.  Instead of the card saying “Let’s find Love in San Juan”, I would have told her that it said “Nikki – I have fallen for a guy named Juan – please go home”.
2. Ben seems surprised that Nikki is not complaining about the rain.  Um, Ben, she is trying to win the game.  In real life she would have cursed you out for not bringing an umbrella.
3. Nikki:  “Dating Ben makes me feel…” I’m sorry Nikki, did you say Dating Ben?  Is that what you think you are doing here???
4. Blakely’s occupation says “VIP Cocktail Waitress”.  Is that a euphemism for stripper?
5. Girls, when you try to emulate baseball players wearing black under their eye’s, know that its grease to prevent sun glare – not mascara
6. Ben said he has only had a few serious relationships.  Does he count the 30 days of sharing Ashley with 20 other guys as serious?  I guess he has to since he proposed – just not sure how he reconciles that.
7. Some girl said “I want my 2^nd chance at a fairy tale. “ Maybe instead of the Bachelor you should watch the Alternate ending to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
8. I find when the girls talk it’s actually pretty boring.  That must be why the producers queue the mood music – to try to make it seem better than it really is
9. Ben holds the rose out to the girl on the 1:1 and then doesn’t give it to her.  Really? Did you have to hold the rose out?  That is just cruel. How would you have liked it Ben if when you proposed to Ashley she took the ring, looked at it, and then said – naaa – this isn’t going to work.
10. Girl who got voted off during 1:1 - “I just don’t understand what I did wrong?”  Uh, you opened your mouth and spoke.
11. The one thing Courtney does do is really dispel all those stereotypes about models.  You know the ones where all models are these smart, intelligent, coherent, non-shallow people.
12. Does Courtney have parents? Are they watching this show?  I hope for their sake she told them she was on American Idol or something.
13. Emily – oh Emily, you were so close.  I guess you haven’t learned your lesson.  
14. Emily talking about model Courtney:  “I don’t know why Ben would keep someone so shallow”?  Ummm, have you seen Courtney skinny dipping?
15. Courtney says the other girls do not have the same connection that she and Ben have.  Oh, you mean they keep their clothes on?
16. If Ben picks Courtney in the end, it will be like Jake picking Vienna – and we know how that worked out. They might as well triple date with Bentley

Bachelor Breakdown: Week 3

You will notice while reading my comments about the bachelor that, to me, the girls do not have names yet.  Not that it really matters.  I look at the bachelor girls in the same way that I reprimand my children.  When reprimanding my child, I may not get their name right when I tell one of them to stop whining (or hitting, or making a mess, etc) but sooner or later, whatever kid I scolded will eventually do it anyway, so law of averages works out.  Therefore, with week 3 of the bachelor in the books…

1. We are 5 minutes into the show and someone is crying already?  Seriously?  This girl is surprised that Ben is going out with other women.  Have you not watched this show before?
2.  Random Girl - “It’s been a long time since I felt this way”.  First of all, you are 21 years old.  What, were you 4 the last time you felt this way?  And, what way in particular?  The last time you fell for a guy who was dating 20 other women?
3.  Did the model actually say “Winning”.  Many things are wrong with this.  First, didn’t that Charlie Sheen quote go out of style 5 minutes ago?  Second, if you consider what you are doing as winning, you need to re-evaluate your definition of the word.
4. Random Girl with no clue on relationships - “I wish Ben and I were going Grocery shopping right now”.  OK, listen up, I know you are romanticizing your future together, but try to aim higher.
5. Ben “I have no idea what is holding Rachel back?”  Really Ben?  You don’t think it MAY have something to do with the 15 other women you are making out with on a daily basis?  Perhaps that is what is holding her back!
6. Some girl mentions Ben and Ashley.  I honestly had no clue who Ashley was.  Oh, the girl he proposed to on the last season of Bachelorette.  It must have been minute 16 of her fame ride.
7. Sorry Ben, no one who has hair like you has a “Rough Side”.
8. Hey, theater girl!  If you need all this re-assurance, you probably should have picked a different show to be on – like wheel of fortune.
9. Why are the women upset when another girl leaves?  I know they are not the brightest bunch, but someone needs to sit them down, get some construction paper & crayons and then walk through simple percentages.  “OK random girl, Billy has to choose from 4 lollipops which gives each lollipop a 25% chance of being selected, if one of those lollipops has an emotional breakdown and leaves, do the remaining lollipops have a better or worse chance of being picked”?
10. Someone actually said – “I love being completely alone with Ben”… yeah, except for the camera man, and crew…
11. Random Girl “Sometimes you can wait years for a love like this”.  Like what? Like a reality show love that will be over before “After the final rose” airs?
12. Maybe the girls don't know how TV shows are put together?  I feel that way when one of them said “It makes me feel special that Ben put this date together for me”.  Seriously, you think Ben did that?  Maybe you should date Ramon the producer?
13. Ben “My wife is in that room”.  Sorry to break it to you Ben, but no, she is not.  Have you looked at the track record of this show?
14. So Emily will be the new Bachelorette.  I would think that anyone who gets to the final 2 would want to lose.  Choices are 1) Win, and get a failed relationship or 2) lose and be the next bachelor/ette.  Losing is winning as the model (or Mr. Sheen) would say