Bachelor Week 5: Part II: Because They Couldn’t Fit All The Crazy Into 1 Night

• After watching the scenes for Part II, some girl better lose a limb…well except for the one arm girl, because that would be just cruel.
• Really Sean, yesterday’s Rose ceremony is the thing that makes you question if you can find your wife on this show? 

1:1 Date with some girl

• What is she wearing?  She looks like a maid.  Maybe that is the fairy tale part?
• An ice castle…with a fire.  Um, does anyone else see the potential for a melt down here?  Get it.  Melt Down.  See what I did there?
• Sean “What don’t I know about you?”.  Really, how about everything?
• I may have been thinking this is my head instead but this is what I heard her say  “I was a clone developed during the clone wars, became a bounty hunter and watched my clone dad get his head chopped off”…oh, no wait, that was Boba Fett.  Instead let me tell you this story about camp…
• This show becomes a series of one-up-manship.  Girl with one arm.  Girl falls down the stairs.  Girl given up for adoption.  Girl has tree fall on fellow camper.  Girl gets frozen in water.  You know next week a girl will cut off her legs and arms, inject herself  with the ebola virus and she will be this torso saying she has 6 months to live and her make – a – wish is to get a rose.

Group Date:

• Holy crazy person laugh.  I expected Selma to be petting a bald cat while laughing like that.
• Sean, “It’s been an incredible day so far”…really, all you did is row a boat.
• Sean “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I hope you do if you really want a rose”.  Sounds like the girls have a choice to me.
• Sean “you won’t die”.  5 minutes later “Uh, I don’t think she is breathing”
• It’s nice to see the fake concern of these girls over Tierra.  “Oh yeah, I hope she is um, not dead”
• Let’s see girl that didn’t jump into a frozen lake.  Sean can’t respect that you actually had an opinion and didn’t want to do something.  I think that is a foreshadowing of your future relationship.
• Every time someone gets a rose on a group date  all the other girls have looks on their face like “What the?”
• Holy crap, he sends home Sarah “the one armed girl”.  Now I won’t know anyone’s name
• The one girl who was actually sweet and nice gets sent home.  A lesson to the ladies I guess.
• Sarah comes out in the hallways crying.  Sean looks at her and says “Are you ok?”.  Just peachy Sean, just peachy.

1:1 Date with Des

• Sean “Anytime you get in a relationship it’s about taking a chance”.  Yeah Sean, but it’s not about jumping off a literal mountain
• Des “Oh no I hope I don’t die”.  Don’t worry Des, if you do, I got 10 other girls that will help me get over you.
• Sean “This was such a rewarding day for Des”.  Me?  Not so much
• So, now that you answered my pop quiz correctly, here’s a rose.

Rose Ceremony

• Because of my culture I have not kissed him on national television.  Wow, that is some very specific rules for that culture.
• If we cut of Ashlee’s arm, she may be my new favorite.
• How sad is it that I pay enough attention to say “Well, I know Tierra gets a rose because I saw a scene with her in a peach dress and she hasn’t worn one yet”

Bachelor 2013 Week 5: Part I: Sean Should Have Given The Rose To The Horse

Start of Show:

• Some Girl “Sean is making my dreams come true”.  No sweetie, the producers are.
• Some Blonde Girl:  “I am going to see my boyfriend”.  What? Do you even hear yourself talk?
• Chris Harrison “Girls, we are going to Montana!”  *crickets* you could almost hear the depression in the room.
• Did he actually pack that flannel shirt before this show started?

Lindsay 1:1 Date

• *Walks out & see’s big Helicopter* Lindsay: “Is that a Helicopter?”  Um, no Lindsay, it’s a puppy.
• Seriously, just once I want someone to say “I hate concerts”.  
• At least these dates are setting the appropriate expectations for dates post the show.  “What do you mean we are going to see a local band, where is my private U2 concert?”

Group Date

• Milking the goat…is probably the only event in this relay where the girls will re-use that skill…sort of
• So it’s like the blue team basically gets a medal for trying?
• Red team girl who drank the goats milk is like, WHAT THE HELL?
• Seriously, I can’t keep any of these girls straight.  Is that the adopted one?
• Blonde Girl ”This is not a competition?”   No, not at all blonde girl….not a competition at all…if this was called Polygamist Bachelor
• “The red team is not happy that I brought back the blue team…and I get it”…like who wouldn’t want to be with me?
• Dude, if you do not see stalker boil a bunny rabbit on the kitchen stove top potential in Tierra, you are crazy.
• “Do you mind if I steel him”…just once I want a girl to say “No, not at all, as long as you don’t mind if I punch you in the throat”
• Why would you comfort the other girls? I’d be like, yeah, you’re right.  He probably isn’t that all into you…I think you should just quit.

2 on 1 date: Tierra & Jackie

• 2 girls, one guy.  Sounds much cooler than this actually was.
•  “I am going to be honest with him about Tierra”.  Tsk, tsk, tsk oh you are so naïve.
• “I am not going to talk bad about another girl”…but Tierra is such a bitch
• Looking at Tierra on that rocking chair makes me think the guys from Deliverance would be scared of her
• Holy Awkward Batman
• “I was hoping tonight would be much easier”.  Seriously Sean, what did you expect? Hey guys, let’s play some Balderdash?
• Tierra “I was with a guy who was in and out of rehab”.  Sean “Drug and Alcohol?”…Uh no Sean an addiction to Barney the dinosaur.
• Sean should have given the rose to the horse
• I wonder how many people yelled “you are such an ass Sean” at the TV when he gave the rose to Tierra…The answer is probably 1.  Me.

Rose Ceremony

• Sean “I think you know where you stand”.  Yep, you stand exactly with a 1:15 chance
• Desire told Sean she didn’t know where she stood and Sean says “Now I don’t feel comfortable with Des”.  Lesson learned from this ceremony….never be honest.
• Uh Sean, Kacie B.  tried to tell you specifics about Tierra and you sent her home.  So I wouldn’t say that there is a track record for encouraging honesty among the women
• If one of those girls pushed Tierra into the fire and she ended up like Harvey Dent from Batman…this would absolutely go down as the best show that ever aired on Television!

Bachelor 2013: Week 4: Who's That?

Girl cries 45 seconds into the show.  Is this some sort of record?

1:1 Rock Climbing Date with Selma

What happened versus what would have happened in real life

Surprise Date:

What happened on the show:

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Oh joy, this is the perfect date”

What would have happened in “real” life

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Well what should I wear?  Will we be going to dinner, do I need to wear layers? Should I bring a dress.  What type of shoes should I bring?  This is so stressfull”

They get on a private plane

What happened on the show:

• They cuddle

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Have you talked to the pilot?  Is this safe?  You know this is how JFK Jr. died.  Seriously, should we go back so I can get different clothes?”

The date:  Rock climbing in the desert

What happened on the show:

• The city girl ends up rock climbing in the heat.

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Take me home”

Selma says she cannot kiss him due to her upbringing in Iraq.  Yeah, I guess the Iraqi culture frowns upon kissing but is ok with pimping yourself out on a national TV

Date: Roller Derby

Here is how the producer’s meeting went…probably

• “We should put all these women who are fighting over the same guy in a game of violence”
• “UFC style fighting”
• “Nah, not enough violence”
• “Can we just have them shoot each other?”
• “No, I don’t think that will make it past the censors”
• “OK, how about this, let’s put the one armed girl on roller skates because her balance will be totally off and the other girls can just T-off on her?”
• “Perfect”

Sean: “Tierra, When I look into your eyes I see…” Sean, I think the words you are looking for are “Bat-Sh*t Crazy?

1:1 Date with Leslie H

• Some girl just said “Holy Batman”.  I would have sent everyone else home and said “you’re the one!”
• Leslie H. “This is just like pretty Woman” …uh doesn’t that then make you a hooker?
• Where are they going? A Junior Prom?
• Leslie – you know you have to return these diamonds right?
• 30 seconds into this dinner and I would receive my fake phone call and be like “check please”
• I am fine with Sean not giving her the rose, but did he have to pick it up and swing it in her face as he said no? 
• Sean might as well just picked up the rose and sang “you can’t touch this….hammer time”
• In his sadness, Sean drops the rose from the balcony…how dramatic.  Now stop littering.

 Rose Ceremony

• Sean says – if you question my decision, come talk to me about it.  Yeah, how did that work out for Kacie B in week 2?
• Sean “I want to get to know every part of each of these girls”.  Uh yeah…I bet you do
•  “Who’s that?” -  Me, about every girl who has more than 1 arm

Bachelor 2013 Week 3: Can This Guy Exercise With a Shirt On?

1:1 with Leslie M

• “How long will this love last?”  Well, given the success of previous seasons, it’s a toss-up between 3 days and a Kardashian marriage
• Chris Harrison:  “Is this the most bizarre thing you have seen”. Random person: “Yes”.  And this is in front of the museum which hosts the record for the most people dressed as Smurfs
• In 5 years people will read this in the Guinness Book of world records and say “Who?”
• “I loved High School”.  OK, she must have been a bully.
• Yeah Leslie, sure you were a nerd.  Sean should quiz her.  “OK, what is ComicCon?”
• “Do you think you could develop feelings for me in this setting?”.  Really Sean, what do you think she was going to say?  “Ah, not really, but I really want that rose because it gives me a better chance of being invited onto the cast of the bachelor pad”…I mean, “Yes, of course I already am”

Group Date:

• “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life” – wow, think the monopoly game I played as a 10 year old during family game night was more important
• Hey girl with the bandana…don’t you know that crying and desperation don’t go well together
• “Sean has all the qualities I want in a husband…you know blonde…and uh…did I say blonde?”
• It’s too dark, I can’t see who that girl is talking to Sean on the beach…then I realize, what does it matter, it’s all the same
• Sean to a girl he just met “I can tell you have a genuine heart”.  Really Sean, how can you tell? Is it because she doesn’t have one of those dastardly mustaches that those old west criminals had that gave away their un-genuine hearts?
• Complaining about other girls?  Yeah, that has gone over well in previous seasons

1:1 Date Ashlee

• Tierra takes a fall and all the camera men are standing around and the producers yell ”Don’t touch her yet!!!…Wait till the bachelor comes in”
• Seriously, a neck brace?  My 3 year old would have gotten up from that fall & complained less #Bachelor
• You would have thought that another girl hit her on the back of the head with a chair WWE style with the way ABC previewed “the fall”
• I bet those 2 girls were like “Damn, the last 2 kids who had their wishes granted were adopted by Angelina and Brad”
• The Eli Young band?  Who the hell is that?
• Hey Sean, those girls said they are bachelor fans.  Maybe you should dance with one of them instead of Ashlee for at least one song?
• Wait, did Eli Young follow them on their date?

Rose Ceremony

• Sarah’s like “crap, now I have to pretend that I actually like this dog”
• Just an FYI Sarah, contrary to what you said, Sean did not coordinate you seeing your dog, the producers did.  Sean was too busy kissing Leslie for over 3 minutes
• With all the girls stealing Sean back and forth, I would just say ”you know what, you guys talk to each other and I am going to hang out with the dog”

Bachelor 2013: Week 2: "Who The Hell is Amanda? Who the Hell is Selma"

The Opening:

• “I see every quality I would look for in a wife with these girls.”  Seriously Sean? We haven’t even gotten to the 2^nd episode yet.

• Chris Harrison: "I really see this working out for Sean" Yeah Chris, just like it worked out for that Fake Prince…or that guy who owned a vinyard, or the guy who couldn’t pick any girl at the end…or…

• How soon before the other girls in the house start saying Sara cut off her arm on purpose for an advantage with Sean?

• Is this the stage of the show when the girls still pretend to like each other?

1:1 Date with Sarah

• Saying omg a helicopter on the Bachelor is like saying omg Mickey Mouse when entering Disney World

• "A fairy tale?” “The way I imagined it." Wow Sarah, it's a reality show with 20 other women. You really need to imagine better or read different fairy tales.

• "Let's find out these girls biggest fears...and let's do that" - Bachelor producers

• Seriously, if I was up on that building getting ready to free fall it would be like “beep, beep, beep, beep” (those represent TV censor bleeps, not the roadrunner)

• "She amazed me".  Dude, she jumped off a building...in a safety harness...nothing more, nothing less

• Sarah's dad says "You need to find a guy whose strong enough to get you through times like this"...uh sorry, my advice to my daughter would be a little different. Like, YOU are strong enough to get through this!

• I really wish a girl would say "You know what, this guy’s an ass" after the first date

• Soo not a good kiss. I bet he wishes he could take back the rose

• "I feel like I am falling in love with Shawn"...and there it is

Group Date

• So, the model wins the modeling challenge? What is her background, the Palmolive hands model?

• "I think he sees I'm bubbly.." No, Tierra, he sees…uh….those

• "I've seen another side of Leslie"...yeah, it's called her buttocks

• "I'm not here to get hurt" - some girl who is going to get hurt

• "Why are you here?"…"For love". Why even ask or answer that question? Like what else would they say?

• "I want that Rose". Yep, sounds genuine to me

• If anyone should kiss him its Kacie B. that's how you get out of the friend zone!

• Some girl: "I hope Sean sees through Tierra" - Yeah, because history has shown that the bachelors really see through that crap.  My guess is next week you confront Sean about another girl and then wonder why he gets upset.

• "No, stay" - what Sean did not say to the frizzy girl who bailed

Desiree 1:1 Date

• "This is Laura, she'll play the Art director" No Sean, you can’t give her a rose.

• Good thing for ABC that the candid camera thing didn't turn dark where Desiree stabbed the artist then tried to bury the body in order to get that Rose

• When he says "I didn't expect to be so comfortable with you" that's your queue to kiss him before that crosses into uncomfortable

• Sean "You've already seen every side of me". Seriously? you must have "0" sides

Rose ceremony

• Sean "Not having a date this week doesn't mean anything" - well, those dates must have sucked then

• Hey Lindsay, when you say your dad’s a general…all the guy hears is "he has guns"

• Sean: "I've dated everyone". See the maid over there? yep, dated her. The Gardner?...dated her too. Yep, her And her too...and her as well....

• The look of pure panic on these girls faces when someone else gets a rose is priceless

• "Who the hell is Amanda?" - Me

• "Who the hell is Selma." - Me again

• “Who the hell is…what did they say her name was again?” – Me, a 3^rd time

Of course it was going to be Amanda, they didn't even show those other girls on TV

Bachelor 2013: Week 1. I Think I Know Why These Girls Are Single

Bachelor:  Week 1

• “Oh god.  Really?  Oh Come on! Lord Have Mercy.” – Me, every 45 seconds, while watching this episode.
• Seriously, after watching season after season of the bachelor I think am I the only guy who works out with a shirt on
• “Getting over Emily took a while”.  Uh Shawn, when you say while, do you mean longer than the 30 day shoot of the previous season of the bachelorette?
• The next time I hear the word Journey, it better be mentioned as part of a 1980’s re-union concern with Steve Perry
• “I am only going to get engaged once”.  I think you mean, only get engaged on TV once…although at this rate, that probably doesn’t hold true anymore either
• I bet that dude Ari is thinking…crap, I wish I was the bachelor
• Ari, hate to tell you, but your 15 minutes of fame was over last season…well, I guess this makes it 20 minutes…well, until  the bachelor pad…crap
• “I see myself spending the rest of my life with one person”.  Gee thanks for that generic pearl of wisdom Sean.

Let’s meet some of the girls

• Girl with one arm says “I believe this show brings people together who are compatible” – Really? You mean based on all the previous successes like…um…like…yeah that Trista girl…and…um…
• “I don’t like the nerds or the politicians”.  Sorry chick-a-dee from D.C., after seeing your introduction, I think it’s the nerds and politicians who don’t like you.

Out of the car and…

• Hey poker dealer, you might as well walk right on back into that car
• I bet that girl sang to Sean to audition for the next reality show
• Girl “Have you read any good books lately?” Sean…”Yeah I read this book on the impacts of socio-economic status on…” Girl “Yeah, whatever, I read 50 Shades of Grey”
• Is Sean’s “I’ll talk to you inside” basically the bachelor version of “I’ll call you…no, I don’t need to write down your number, I’ll remember”
• “I was on bachelor pad 3”…not exactly the statement I would have led with
• Sean gives Tierra a rose and says “I hope that doesn’t cause any tension among the girls”.  Have you ever even seen this show Sean?
• You know, there is a balance between an awkward “pause” and an awkward “this sucks”
• Kristy is a model?  You mean a hand model?
• Yeah, show up in a wedding dress. That’s exactly what a guy wants on a first date.  I’m surprised you didn’t bring you mother to really seal the deal.
• Girl:  “If you break my heart, my dad will break your legs”.  Um, yeah ok, you might want to go stand next to the girl who came in a wedding dress.

And, here we go

• I am so glad this show dispels the stereotype of catty superficial women
• “I would love for my wife to be in this room” – Sorry Sean, that is only going to happen if the make-up artist’s name Susan “Wife” McGuillcutty
• Oh hell, I would bring my own rose or just find one of the dumb girls and say “Hey look over there…” Swiper no swiping
• Do these girls actually have jobs? I mean they can’t even seem to process that the guy is giving out more than 1 rose.  Not that hard to follow ladies…
• “I got a few more girls to talk to” = No rose for you
• It’s more like Ashley and her 50 Shades of “What The Hell”
• I think I know why some of these girls are single
• Blonde girl basically says “Of course he noticed me, I mean have you seen me?”
• “I don’t fight over a guy” – um, maybe you should have thought of that before you went on the bachelor
• Blonde Singer “I guess I should focus on making myself happy rather than opening up to guys”.  Open up?  You had all of 45 seconds with this guy…how much could you really have opened up.

Well, I told myself I wouldn’t watch this season, but looks like I am hooked

The Bachelorette Finale: Thoughts From A Reluctant Viewer

But I don’t want to watch the Bachelor Finale. OK Fine.  Wait, what, 3 Hours?  Crap, lets open up some wine.

OK, so yes, I have been coerced into watching the finale and I haven’t watched a single episode of the Bachelorette this season.  But let me take some guesses as to what happens:

• Emily doesn’t know who to choose, say’s she loves two guys and she breaks down once every 13.3 minutes of airtime 
• Chris Harrison will say, “Coming up on the most shocking bachelorette finale ever” 
• Someone will say they “have fallen for” someone else and didn’t believe it could happen but it did 
• Someone’s dignity will go poof (with odds are that this will include every person who gets camera time) 
• I will say “Oh God. So Lame. This is Stupid” each about 57 times during the 3 hour show 

Well, let’s see what happens, onto the show: 

• “This is the most anticipated television event of the summer”. Well Chris Harrison, maybe you didn’t realize that NBC was going to air a “What’s Happening Re-union” hosted by Dee, the obnoxious sister

Bachelor #1 Meets The Parents:

• Holy crap, did Emily’s Mom eat a Turtle or is that an Adam’s Apple
• Was bachelor #1 part of Flock of Seagulls? What’s with the hair?
• Maybe he is Parker Lewis from Parker Lewis Can’t lose (bonus points for ANYONE who gets that reference)
• Oh he has a trust fund? Now I get it.
• Seagulls is asking Emily’s dad for his blessing if he proposes: “I’m an old fashioned guy so I….” Wait stop right there.  I don’t recall Cary Grant going into a hot-tub with 20 other guys on a reality show before sweeping Ginger Rogers off her feet
• Oh his name is Jeff? Yeah, we will continue to go with “Seagulls”…

Bachelor #2 Is Up

• As a present, #2 (Ari) gives away all the roses he got on the show to the parents.  Mom says “Wow to give something away that is so precious to him”.  Look Mom, if he doesn’t “win”, those roses are really not going to be that special to him…unless he could sell them on Ebay.
• Asks dad for permission to marry his daughter.  Dad, apparently giving out permissions like a pamphlet on the corner of a NYC street sale, grants said permission to 2^nd guy in about 4 hours

The Parents & Emily debrief

• Emily to her parents “So, what did you think?”  For once, I would like a father to say “You know what I think.  I think they both suck and you are an idiot for going on this show not once, but twice and thinking that you can find a lasting relationship.  But love ya honey”
• Emily “I’m not 100 percent sure I should get engaged at the end of this”.  Really? What tipped you off? That you’re a single mom and you don’t want your kid to meet any of the guys?  That you spent a cumulative of 4 hours all season with each person on dates you can never afford? That the one guy still looks like he is from the Flock of Seagulls?

The Last Dates

• It may be my age, but every time I hear Emily refer to her daughter as “Little Ricky” I can only think of I Love Lucy and little Ricky Ricardo
•  “I wasn’t planning on introducing my daughter to anyone this time”…Yet, surprise, surprise, here she is.  I mean god Emily, it’s not like you’re talking about a tattoo of New Kids on the Block  you got when you were drunk in college.  And, how can you plan on getting engaged at the end of the show but not want to introduce your daughter to the final 2 guys?  Now I know why I didn’t watch this season.
• Meeting Little Ricky
• Emily “If Ricky doesn’t like him it will change my relationship with him”.  If I were that kid, I would pull the guy aside and say “Look dude, an XBOX 360 gets you a hug & if you throw in a flat screen I will call you daddy and give you a kiss”
• You know ABC is counting down the days until this little Ricky chick is old enough to do her own reality dating show.
• Yep, spending 1 hour with the kid swimming in the pool is “just like being a dad”.  Nooooo, you’re not naïve or anything Seagulls, it’s all we dad’s do day in and day out.

The Decision

• Yeah, it is just as bad as Lebron’s…well maybe not that bad.  Sorry Lebron.
• Emily schedules a special meeting with Chris Harrison “Yeah, I don’t know what to do and who I should pick”.  Yeah, the guy who also hosts “Mall Masters” on the Game Show Network should have all the answers.
• So Ari makes a love potion for Emily.  Not sure if you know this Ari, but you have to slaughter a live chicken first.  Maybe next time.
• Jeff went to go see Vera Wang to pick out the ring.  “Hold on, what is that honey? “.  I stand corrected; Evidently, Jeff went to see Neil Lang to pick out the ring.
• My wife’s advice – “Just pick the biggest ring – It's not like you’re not paying for it”
• Emily “I don’t know if I want to get engaged.  I don’t want to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times. “Um how about you stop going on this stupid show then?
• Wow, that kiss between Jeff & Emily means that either he really doesn’t like girls or Emily reminds him of his sister.

The Aftermath

• So I guess Ashley & J.P. replace Ali & whoever as the example of how successful the show is at forming lasting relationships since everyone else has broken up.
• I’m sorry, did I miss it?  Where was the shocking part of this finale? Then again, the only way for the hype to have been met would have been for Loki to come swopping in, destroy the set and for Katniss Everdeen to shoot him between the eyes (Yes, I mixed in a couple of things there, but they did say most shocking finale ever!)
• Bachelor Pad premiers tomorrow.  Break out the Purell!

Bachelor Finale: Or how Ashley is the real winner!

In the biggest “no duh” move since I picked the Harlem Globetrotters to beat that team they play all the time, Ben finally picked Courtney

Things that would have made this the most shocking bachelor finale ever…

1. Ben giving the final roles to one of the sheep sitting outside the cottage he’s staying at in Switzerland
2. Ben gets eaten by a Zombie
3. The couple is actually in love and stays together
4. In an amazing cross network cross-over, Ben get’s thrown into the octagon for an ultimate fighting championship match.  His opponent is his hair

• What do ex-bachelorette’s get for Valentine’s Day?  I gotta think roses are pretty passé by now
• Chris Harrison says “Will Ben make the right choice” – Too late, he already agreed to be on the show
• You know who is the happiest that this season is over?  The ABC hairstylists
• Is the slow motion montage supposed to make me like these people more?
• What the heck is Ben crying about when he sees his mom and sister? It’s not like he was just released from a Turkish prison
• What do the girls love about you? “Well sis, I gave them a rose”
• Ben:  “My concern with Lindzi is do I need more time with her?”  What, you mean the 2 weeks of splitting between Lindzi and 20 other women wasn’t enough for you to propose.
• Model?  Are we sure Courtney is not an actress because she pulled the wool over Ben’s family’s eyes?
• Stuck on the Gondola, Lindzi knows it is the place and time to open up to Ben because the producer is standing behind him with cue cards.
• Lindzi “I am 200% vulnerable”.  Well Lindzi, first of all, that is mathematically impossible
• When a girl says “I love you” and a guy says “Awww Thank You”, it’s pretty much over
• Apparently ABC is in a contract where there must be a helicopter ride during which Ben and “fill in the blank” simultaneously say OMG (thanks Amy!)
• At this point, the producers are creating these scrapbooks for all the girls just in case they are picked in the end
• The Jeweler stops by. “No thanks Nathan Lane (or whatever the Jeweler’s name is), I still have the one from the last show”.
• Ben: “I can’t imagine life getting any better!”.   Yeah Ben, it’s not going to
• Courtney: “When Ben and I get engaged, I know it will last forever”. Um, yeah…or at least until Bachelor Pad 4 casting begins
• Ben to Lindzi in another example of him being a total idiot.  “I’ve fallen in love with you, but I am in love with someone else. I love someone else.  Sorry”
• Upon not getting the final rose, Lindzi gives us two more proof points as to why these women will never find love
• “I’m mad at myself for not giving you what you needed”
• “If things don’t work out, call me”
• Ben, you know you are really going to have to break the bank on your next proposal.  “You are really my forever, no really…seriously…stop laughing”
• Courtney: “This is supposed to be a story about love..”.  Oh sweetie, that is so cute, but no

Bachelor: The Women Tell All (Or the women get an extra 5 minutes of fame)

At this point, in order for next weeks episode to be "the most controversial finale of the bachelor ever", Ben would have to kill someone!

• Speaking of extending fame an extra couple of minutes, is this "where are they now thing" supposed to bring back fond memories of bachelors past?  It's more like that bad sushi I ate last night that is coming back to haunt me.
•  So, bachelor pad 3 is coming out.  This brings up a couple of key questions:
• Does the show come with Purell?
• How about antibiotics
• Do these people have jobs?
• Or lives?
• I think putting "occupation" subtitles on the screen for these people is walking that fine line of truth on television
• So, the women tell all episode?  I'm glad this show dispels the rumors that women are catty
• Girls, you all learned this in second grade.  Raise your hand if you wish to speak.
• I don't understand this hatred for Shawntel.  Move on because you were on Brads season? She's Brads dumpster trash? Well then by your logic not only is Ben Ashely's dumpster trash but all of you ladies are Ben's dumpster trash. Don't throw stones.
• One of the girls says about  Shawntel : "There's a right way and a wrong way to address the girls when you walk into the room".  No little one, there is no right way to ever BE seen on this show.
• Who the he'll is Samantha? Is she loud because no one remembers her from the show?  
• Chris Harrison finishes these girls sentences for them.  Fact is, he finishes them the same way every season regardless of which girl it is.  So you fell in love with him...it was hard...you're ok now...I bet there are guys in (insert girls city) who are happy your single
•  All the girls said they were blindsided when they didn't get the rose.  Well of course, they all said they loved him, he makes out with them and it's only later he says "sorry, didn't see it going anywhere"
• Sorry whatever your name is, you were NOT in love.
• Every time Courtney talks an angel loses his wings
• * Gotta give a Jeff a shout out for triggering this thought
• Look, I don't like Courtney at all, and I get that the girls don't like her because of how she talked about them...BUT weren't these the same girls that made fun of  Shawntel's hips about 15 minutes ago?
•  I half expected Courtney to look at the camera as she walked behind the curtain, shoot her finger guns and say "phew, phew winning"
• Jen says "I mean how could you take Blakely home to your mom (looks at Blakely) No offense."  Umm, No offense? of course not, why would that be offensive?
• Oh Jenna, you crazy insane blogger...how I missed you

Bachelor Breakdown Week 9: The "Just in Case Kacie B had any dignity left" edition

 “All the stuff I had to go through to get to this point is worth it”  What exactly did you go through Ben other than 20 women who threw themselves at you?

Date with Nikki

• Does Ben go on a picnic everywhere? It’s like he (or the producers) run out of ideas so just like Wile E. Coyote always goes to the old Acme Exploding Carton trick, they go to the old picnic basket.  By the way, the only way his dates would actually be interesting would be if that picnic basket exploded like Wile E’s Acme stuff.
• Ben, I don’t think it’s that cold where you need to wear that full snow suit.  Seriously, you look like Ralphy's brother from a Christmas Story.
• Nikki and Ben are at the top of the mountain with a bunch of stacked rocks.  I bet that was someone’s grave they just roasted marshmallows on.
• Nikki “I've thought about our future and our love a-lot”.  A lot Nikki? You mean in the past 20 days that this TV show was shot? That a lot?
• Ben:  “I hope she says yes to the overnight” – uh yeah Ben, she’s already said she loved you, my money is she stays the night.
• Why do they always act surprised when they get the fantasy suite card?  And really, fantasy suite? We all know what that means.  The card might as well just be a drawing of two stick figures going at it.
• Ben said he was happy that Nikki was putting herself out there.  I think he just meant putting out.

Date with Lindzi

• Jumping out of a helicopter wasn’t enough to throw at the girl who is scared of heights?  What is this fear factor? Why don’t you just dump a bucket of poisonous spiders on her while you’re at it?
• OK Ben, don’t over-react.  My 4 year old kid rappelled down a bigger rock wall at the local my-gym
• “Normally I don’t spend the night with anyone…” what they edited out was the rest of the sentence…”but now that there are camera's around, I t makes me feel so Paris Hilton like”

Date with Courtney

• “I like how Courtney is extremely unique and a little bit Nerdy”.  I think what you meant to say Ben is you like how Courtney gets naked and swims with me
• Ben: “Courtney, have you ever played “hey cow”.   Courtney: “No Ben, I had a life”.
• Another picnic and this time right in the middle of cow manure.  Awesome Ben…just awesome.
• I bet the producers are whispering in Ben’s ear – “keep the crazy one Ben”
• Really Ben, the fantasy suite shouldn’t be a big deal, you’ve already seen Courtney naked

Emily the new Bachelorette

• Ali and Ashley are here to give Emily Advice.  Yeah, Ali just broke up with Roberto and Ashley fell for Bentley.
• Emily says my life is finally back to normal with little Ricky.  The kid’s dad dies, her mom goes away to be on Brad Womack’s version of the bachelor and now she is the bachelorette.  Yeah this is exactly what that kid needs for normalcy.
• Ashley is talking about the movie Titanic and saying that Jack & Rose are the epitome of a perfect relationship.  Spoiler alert Ashley, Jack dies.

Kacie B makes a re-appearance.

•  And with that, Kacie’s last shred of dignity goes poof.  

Thumbs down to Ben! Don't worry Nikki, you are way better off not being with this guy!

Bachelor Week 8: The Hometown Dates

The Hometown Dates: Also known as putting unrealistic expectations on your parents to pretend to approve of your horrible choice to go on this show.

Lindzi:

• Ben is the 2^nd guy Lindzi has brought home?  Wow Lindzi your selection process has a lot to be desired
• Lindzi looks good – I wonder if that is because the only other girl I am comparing her to is Chester the horse?
• “Every time I put my heart out there it ended in heartache”. Every time?  Really, I am sorry your relationship as a sophomore in high school didn’t work out.
• He seems surprised that  Lindzi was going to marry her last boyfriend and wonders if she is ready.  Uh Ben, look in the mirror at your own recent history…or better yet, log on to www.ABC.com or do a quick YouTube search on Ashley the crazy bachelorette no one liked.
• Lindzi 's Dad said it’s a tradition to do Chariot races.  If I were the dad, I would have added – it’s a tradition to also joust to the death with real spears
• How come the girls always say – “I didn’t expect coming in to this that I would find love”?  Um, first, you didn’t. Second, what did you expect?

Kacie B:

• Evidently, the school named field after her grandfather.  Hate to tell you Kacie, 5 years and 10 grand later that field will be renamed to “Snapple” stadium.
• Ben brings a bottle of wine and opens it on high school field – isn’t that some sort of violation?
• Why does Ben expect the girl to move to where he lives?  This is why these things don’t work out.  The girl will say ANYTHING to get picked, then in the real world she is like “move? You want me to move? No way wine boy!”
• “This is a chance for my dad to see I found somebody”.  Seriously? Do these girls even listen to themselves?
• Kacie and Ben are surprised that her dad is skeptical of “the bachelor”. My lord, just pick up an US Weekly or In Touch magazine and you will wonder no more.
• “I’m not sure Kacie’s dad like me”.  Well Ben, you told him you had feelings for other girls in addition to his daughter.  You’re lucky he didn’t shoot you and mount your head in their den.
• Kacie is frustrated her dad doesn’t trust her judgment? Well, you probably quit your job, went on a dating reality show and now say you’re in love and would accept a marriage proposal without ever dating Ben in real life.  Mmm, I wonder why he doesn’t trust your judgment.

Nicki

• Who the hell is Nicki? 
• No seriously, who is she? Was she on the show all along?

Courtney

• “My mom is like me, she doesn’t trust men”.  It’s no wonder that your dad is outside all the time with a bottle of wine!
• Courtney, maybe you shouldn’t molest Ben in front of your parents.
• Knowing how hot and cold Courtney runs, I am surprised they didn’t walk out of their fake marriage and go down the street and get it fake annulled

 The verdict

Kaci gets voted off and says “Ben, I don’t want you to be broken hearted”.  Yeaaaah. I’d be more like, "um, I sort of want you to pick the crazy model girl and get crushed yourself Benny Boy.

Bachelor Week 7: Bachelor Thunderdome: 6 Girls Enter, 4 Girls Leave

This show is starting to remind me of the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.  For those who have seen the movie, the title of this post should make sense (and it is the only Tina Turner line in any movie I will ever remember).  But the connection is not really that hard to make.  Mad Max and Crazy Courtney.  Now there is a reality show I would watch; Mel Gibson vs. Courtney the model to see who is the craziest SOB on the planet.  See, it fits!  Now onto the week in review:

·         I’ve seen enough of these shows to know, if the girls do not say “I'm falling in love with you” they’re screwed.  It goes something like this... “I know it’s only been 4 weeks and we’ve only been on group dates and you’ve been hooking up with 20 other women, but seriously Ben, I am falling in Love with you.”

·         Chris Harrison says “I just talked to Ben and he feels his wife is in this room”.  Ben, you’ve seen the show.  You have more of a chance marrying Chris Harrison than you do one of the contestants.

·         Harrison then goes on to say “He believe’s he will get down on 1 knee and propose”.  Well, we all watched Ashley’s season.  Getting Ben down on 1 knee and proposing is not really a big accomplishment.  Been proposing on a reality show?  Been there, done that.

·         The show is almost over and I still don’t know these girls names.  There is “The Horse girl”, “Bitchy Model”, “Girl who complained about Bitchy Model” and 3 others.

·         One of the girls compared Ben to a delicious piece of cheesecake...I think a more appropriate desert would be a blob of rice pudding

·         Ben and girl are walking down an isolated walkway and see a romantic table for 2 set up.  Girl says “is that for us"? Um, No, this town just treats the homeless really well.

·        Holy awkward small talk during that dinner.  It’s like they try to combine getting to know you with baring your soul and are met with disastrous results.

o    Ben: "I like cabbage"

o    Girl: "I'm falling in love with you".

o    Ben: "Do you like cabbage too?"

·       When Ben barged into the basketball game, I wanted the dudess to dunk on him and then say no blood no foul.  That would have been a classic moment in reality TV and made a star out of the “extra”

·        Ben says “Emily is so smart”.  Mmmm, no, not really, it's that you are so  dumb

·         Ben is talking about how he and some girl are walking through the jungle and randomly come across some old temple.  Randomly? Who do you think you are?  Indiana Jones?  In my history lessons, I don’t recall the Mayans having High-Definition video cameras situated around their statues taking home videos of the goddess Isis

·         Since when does getting out of your comfort zone and overcoming your fears become a critical part of a relationship?

·         Courtney got a spark, then lost her spark, then got it back again all in about 3 minutes. Red flag buddy!  If that doesn’t equal high maintenance, then what does?

·         If Courtney was any more shallow, Ben would have to wear swimmies

·         I think Courtney's on a drug, and it's called Charlie Sheen

Bachelor - Week 5. The Most Awkward Lap Dance Ever

• Courtney talks about Kaci B’s one on one date with Ben.  She says “It could go one of two ways.”  Really? Did you do that math all by yourself?
• Ben talks about his date on a “Deserted” Island like he is fighting the elements and overcoming obstacles and fears.  Um, I am sure if you guys starve or get hurt or something, I’m sure the camera guy could float you a sandwich or a band-aid.
• By the way, if I were going on this show, I would tell the producers that my fear was fancy dinners, football and seeing women in bikinis
• Ben - “What do you like to do Kaci?”  Kaci - “I like to go to the grocery store”.  Really?  That is the 2^nd time you have mentioned it as a “go to” place for you.  What is it with the grocery stores in your hometown?  
• I think girls who don’t have some sort of sordid past or disease or death to open up about, really don’t stand a chance.  It’s like they have to one-up each other each week on “bringing down walls”.  God forbid you didn’t have an ex who smuggled cocaine across the Mexican border before breaking up with you sending you into a year-long depression.
• Some girl said “Ben is such a man’s man”.  Really whatever your name is, you really think so?  He is giving you a geography lesson as he uses a motor boat dressed in banana republic bright pink shorts.
• Some girl thought they “stumbled upon a village” – yeah a village which happened to have cameras and lighting and boom mikes all set up already.  If it was truly a stumbled upon village you would be boiling in a large pot at this point and being seasoned up for someone’s dinner.
• Really, if Ben wasn’t the bachelor, girls would not like him and he would more likely be the 5^th friend on the Big Bang Theory.
• With Courtney flashing herself in front of those kids, she probably is going to end up on some list or be banned from going to playgrounds unsupervised.
• Ben says "If you ladies weren’t here today, I would have turned around and went home".  What the heck does that mean? Why would you be boating by yourself to some “stumbled upon village” where all the guys are in thongs?  Of course if they weren’t there you would have turned around!
• Does anyone else think that Courtney goes back to the house and sits in the corner of the room turning the lights on and off saying “I will not be ignored Ben” all Fatal Attraction like.
• I’m waiting for this Salsa Dance Off between Blakely and Rachel to turn into one of those kids movies where they get all gansta on each other while doing the samba.
• Also, note to self, if I ever go on one of these shows, learn how to fake cry.
• Blakely makes a scrapbook out of cut headlines from magazines and newspapers.  You know who also does that, Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs.
• The girls in the house are playing “dead pool” with the girls.  The guy comes and takes Blakely’s luggage and they are passing around money from their wagers!
• Chris Harrison = Therapist
• If I were the producer of the Bachelor, I would have this mysterious “Michael” actually on the show, and then have him propose to Kaci S. and ultimately have Michael go talk to Ben.
• You know when Kaci S. is telling Ben about Michael, he is thinking, damn, can I go get Blakely back.
• Note to Kaci S; don’t cry to a guy over another guy who doesn’t want to marry you.  Basically she is saying “I don’t want to be with him, so I guess I’ll be with you”.
• When Kaci S. is bawling to Chris Harrison you know he is thinking “Now I know why Michael doesn’t want to marry you”.
• Chris Harrison said, “If you’re not open to finding love on this show, it won’t work”.  Ah, Chris, have you seen the track record of the relationships on this show, it won’t work anyway
• Note to the producers, when the girls are bawling and talking – please add subtitles.
• OMG – did this girl create a workplan for kissing Ben?
• Why do I feel that Ben will absolutely pick the girl that he couldn’t get in real life (i.e. Courtney) instead of the girl that he is more compatible with (i.e. Kaci B).

Bachelor Breakdown: The Skinny Dipping Episode

Week four of the Bachelor - better known as the "skinny dipping" episode!

1. Nikki got a Date card in Spanish and another girl had to translate.  If I were that girl, I would have translated incorrectly.  Instead of the card saying “Let’s find Love in San Juan”, I would have told her that it said “Nikki – I have fallen for a guy named Juan – please go home”.
2. Ben seems surprised that Nikki is not complaining about the rain.  Um, Ben, she is trying to win the game.  In real life she would have cursed you out for not bringing an umbrella.
3. Nikki:  “Dating Ben makes me feel…” I’m sorry Nikki, did you say Dating Ben?  Is that what you think you are doing here???
4. Blakely’s occupation says “VIP Cocktail Waitress”.  Is that a euphemism for stripper?
5. Girls, when you try to emulate baseball players wearing black under their eye’s, know that its grease to prevent sun glare – not mascara
6. Ben said he has only had a few serious relationships.  Does he count the 30 days of sharing Ashley with 20 other guys as serious?  I guess he has to since he proposed – just not sure how he reconciles that.
7. Some girl said “I want my 2^nd chance at a fairy tale. “ Maybe instead of the Bachelor you should watch the Alternate ending to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
8. I find when the girls talk it’s actually pretty boring.  That must be why the producers queue the mood music – to try to make it seem better than it really is
9. Ben holds the rose out to the girl on the 1:1 and then doesn’t give it to her.  Really? Did you have to hold the rose out?  That is just cruel. How would you have liked it Ben if when you proposed to Ashley she took the ring, looked at it, and then said – naaa – this isn’t going to work.
10. Girl who got voted off during 1:1 - “I just don’t understand what I did wrong?”  Uh, you opened your mouth and spoke.
11. The one thing Courtney does do is really dispel all those stereotypes about models.  You know the ones where all models are these smart, intelligent, coherent, non-shallow people.
12. Does Courtney have parents? Are they watching this show?  I hope for their sake she told them she was on American Idol or something.
13. Emily – oh Emily, you were so close.  I guess you haven’t learned your lesson.  
14. Emily talking about model Courtney:  “I don’t know why Ben would keep someone so shallow”?  Ummm, have you seen Courtney skinny dipping?
15. Courtney says the other girls do not have the same connection that she and Ben have.  Oh, you mean they keep their clothes on?
16. If Ben picks Courtney in the end, it will be like Jake picking Vienna – and we know how that worked out. They might as well triple date with Bentley

Bachelor Breakdown: Week 3

You will notice while reading my comments about the bachelor that, to me, the girls do not have names yet.  Not that it really matters.  I look at the bachelor girls in the same way that I reprimand my children.  When reprimanding my child, I may not get their name right when I tell one of them to stop whining (or hitting, or making a mess, etc) but sooner or later, whatever kid I scolded will eventually do it anyway, so law of averages works out.  Therefore, with week 3 of the bachelor in the books…

1. We are 5 minutes into the show and someone is crying already?  Seriously?  This girl is surprised that Ben is going out with other women.  Have you not watched this show before?
2.  Random Girl - “It’s been a long time since I felt this way”.  First of all, you are 21 years old.  What, were you 4 the last time you felt this way?  And, what way in particular?  The last time you fell for a guy who was dating 20 other women?
3.  Did the model actually say “Winning”.  Many things are wrong with this.  First, didn’t that Charlie Sheen quote go out of style 5 minutes ago?  Second, if you consider what you are doing as winning, you need to re-evaluate your definition of the word.
4. Random Girl with no clue on relationships - “I wish Ben and I were going Grocery shopping right now”.  OK, listen up, I know you are romanticizing your future together, but try to aim higher.
5. Ben “I have no idea what is holding Rachel back?”  Really Ben?  You don’t think it MAY have something to do with the 15 other women you are making out with on a daily basis?  Perhaps that is what is holding her back!
6. Some girl mentions Ben and Ashley.  I honestly had no clue who Ashley was.  Oh, the girl he proposed to on the last season of Bachelorette.  It must have been minute 16 of her fame ride.
7. Sorry Ben, no one who has hair like you has a “Rough Side”.
8. Hey, theater girl!  If you need all this re-assurance, you probably should have picked a different show to be on – like wheel of fortune.
9. Why are the women upset when another girl leaves?  I know they are not the brightest bunch, but someone needs to sit them down, get some construction paper & crayons and then walk through simple percentages.  “OK random girl, Billy has to choose from 4 lollipops which gives each lollipop a 25% chance of being selected, if one of those lollipops has an emotional breakdown and leaves, do the remaining lollipops have a better or worse chance of being picked”?
10. Someone actually said – “I love being completely alone with Ben”… yeah, except for the camera man, and crew…
11. Random Girl “Sometimes you can wait years for a love like this”.  Like what? Like a reality show love that will be over before “After the final rose” airs?
12. Maybe the girls don't know how TV shows are put together?  I feel that way when one of them said “It makes me feel special that Ben put this date together for me”.  Seriously, you think Ben did that?  Maybe you should date Ramon the producer?
13. Ben “My wife is in that room”.  Sorry to break it to you Ben, but no, she is not.  Have you looked at the track record of this show?
14. So Emily will be the new Bachelorette.  I would think that anyone who gets to the final 2 would want to lose.  Choices are 1) Win, and get a failed relationship or 2) lose and be the next bachelor/ette.  Losing is winning as the model (or Mr. Sheen) would say

Why I Watch The Bachelorette - A Guy's Point of View

Let me start off by saying that I didn’t start out as a willing watcher of this show. But after being asked or should I say forced to watch it, I was hooked. But why do I watch? I hear more than one person comment on how (insert random season’s couple) were “meant to be” or are “truly in love” – to which I say…”No” and then possibly gag. Each year, Chris Harrison talks about the success of the couples on the show in finding love. Of course he does, what is he going to say? Hey guys, get ready for this exciting season where (Insert Name) has less than a 5% chance of finding their soul mate. 5% and going downward - that’s the truth of the matter. Only 1 couple in 22 seasons has gotten married. In addition to poster children Trista & Ryan who everyone always refers to, only 1 other couple (Ali/Roberto) are even still dating. Note - Jason picked Mellisa, so he & Molly don’t count. For those watching this year, please keep this statistic in mind when Ashley eventually picks JP and people anoint them as the next great couple (until they break up).

So If I don’t believe that these people will really find love on the show (shocker), what keeps me interested in it? Three themes emerge for me:

1) The CONSISTENCY of the RIDICULOUSNESS: I swear it amazes me that I watch sometimes because it is so ridiculous. But I think it’s that I can rely on the insanity on the show week in, week out, season in, and season out that keeps me coming back. I can tell you right now that on the next season someone will say:

- “I believe that my Husband/Wife is standing in this room”
- “I am now ready to fall in love” and then say “I put walls up”
- “I am falling in love with (random person”) after 3 days
- “I don’t know what is wrong with me, no one will ever love me”
- The word “Journey” 17 times an episode

In addition, everyone has jobs that are blown out of proportion. Ashley is no more of a dentist than Hermey from Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was (actually Hermey actually worked on a dolls tooth so he may be one up on Ashley). Supposedly, one bachelor was a prince? Unless you send over Prince William, I’m not buying it. You get my point here…

And don’t even get me started on the hometown dates and the questions that friends and family ask. Imagine you are in the first 2 weeks of dating someone and their family poses these questions to you:

- “Are you ready to propose/accept proposal”?
- “So, you’ve known my son or daughter 10 days, are you willing to pick up your life and relocate here”?

2) Maybe this once, it actually will be the MOST SHOCKING EPISODE EVER: Nothing shocks me anymore. Movies are predictable, scripted TV shows are predictable, but this one show promises me every week that it will be the most shocking episode ever (with the trailers to prove it). OK, they have consistently failed to deliver, BUT what IF something shocking did happen and I wasn’t there to watch it? I would have missed Jen saying no to a proposal from Jerry even though she picked him (Season 3), Brad not picking anyone (Season 11), Jason picking Melissa, then breaking up with her and going back to his “runner up” Molly (Season 13), Rozlyn having an “inappropriate relationship” with a producer (which of course means that as a guy, I envision a True Blood graveyard hookup type scenario – Season 14) and then there’s Bentley (Season 7). Say what you want about the guy, but Bentley = ratings. Here we have a guy who would look to the Camera - Ferris Bueller style - and basically let you in on the joke. Yes, it was a sick and disturbing joke, but who could argue that it wasn’t shocking?

3) It’s like a car crash, its horrible, but I can’t look away: I don’t know if it’s just that these people have low self esteem, but I feel like I have to cover my eyes like a kid watching a horror movie as I watch the cringe worthy antics of each season’s “stars”. Obviously the “title characters” just want to get married – to ANYONE. Who walks into a room of 25 total strangers and says “I believe my husband is in this room”? I mean, if Ashley walked to terminal C, Gate 95 of Newark airport and said the same thing – people would look at her funny. Yet, she probably has a greater chance of actually finding her husband there (and have a more diverse choice). It is such a 1 sided relationship on this show. One person can date 25 people and the other person can only date you. The minions are just “hoping” for a date and then act like they are so interested in whatever unrealistic date they are on such as going to Thailand to walk the streets and paint baskets, when in reality, they would rather be at home, probably watching some other reality show. The bachelor(ette) is ALWAYS in control, dolling out roses like they are Ceasar – heck they might as well do the thumbs up / thumbs down since it is the same “judgement”. And really, if you think about it, what do you “win”? So yes, car crash is an apropos metaphor.

What I really want to see is a new reality program that shows the “winning” couple actually watching that seasons episodes together. Imagine watching JP (I assume) watch Ashley basically have a psychotic meltdown over Bentley after only 3 days after meeting him? Now that promises to be the most shocking episode ever!

Why do you watch?