Pages

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Pop Culture's Impact on Our Kids: Past & Present

For some reason I was sitting here thinking, has pop culture changed because kids and society have changed…or have kids and society changed because pop culture has changed.  Let’s take a look at how certain aspects of pop culture are different now as compared to when I grew up…and you can be the judge.

Teen dilemma in a TV Show
·         Then: “Mom always said, don’t play ball in the house” – Brady Bunch
·         Now: Freshman Amy, juggles being a young parent while entering High School as a Freshman  – The Secret Life of The American Teenage

Message in Rap Lyrics
·         Then: “Superman looked up at me and said I rocked so naturally” – Newcleus
·     Now: “@!#$ the FBI and @!#$ all the Army Troops..." - Soulja Boy

Video Game Villain
·         Then: Donkey Kong
·         Now: Nazis

Celebrity trying to be a singer
·         Then: Eddie Murphy “Party All The Time”
·         Now: Paris Hilton or maybe Kim Kardashian – Oh wait, I said celebrity

Risque’ Poster
·         Then: Farrah Faucet in full one piece bathing suit sitting down
·         Now: Megan Fox dressed in, well nothing but her Megan Foxiness

Time for the news
·         Then: 5 o'clock news stations reporting…well, actual news
·         Now: 24/7 opinion stations that report, I am not exactly sure – but they are loud when they do it

Reality Television
·         Then: The same 5 o’clock news channel
·         Now: “Who’s my Daddy?” A show where an adoptive woman tries to guess who her daddy is as 20 men pretend to care about her and convince her that they are her dad to win $100K

Movie Sequel
·         Then: The Empire Strikes Back
·         Now: That one with the sparkly vampire

Young girls “rebellious” clothing
·         Then: The Jennifer Beals' Flash Dance off the shoulder sweatshirt and leg warmers
·         Now: Short skirts with thongs (short skirts optional)

Four letter greeting
·         Then: “Word”
·         Now: “YOLO”

College Coach’s Bad Decision
·         Then: Indiana coach Bobby Knight throws a chair on the basketball court
·         Now: Penn State coaches throw away their humanity

Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Bachelorette Finale: Thoughts From A Reluctant Viewer



But I don’t want to watch the Bachelor Finale. OK Fine.  Wait, what, 3 Hours?  Crap, lets open up some wine.

OK, so yes, I have been coerced into watching the finale and I haven’t watched a single episode of the Bachelorette this season.  But let me take some guesses as to what happens:
  • Emily doesn’t know who to choose, say’s she loves two guys and she breaks down once every 13.3 minutes of airtime 
  • Chris Harrison will say, “Coming up on the most shocking bachelorette finale ever” 
  • Someone will say they “have fallen for” someone else and didn’t believe it could happen but it did 
  • Someone’s dignity will go poof (with odds are that this will include every person who gets camera time) 
  • I will say “Oh God. So Lame. This is Stupid” each about 57 times during the 3 hour show 


Well, let’s see what happens, onto the show: 
  • “This is the most anticipated television event of the summer”. Well Chris Harrison, maybe you didn’t realize that NBC was going to air a “What’s Happening Re-union” hosted by Dee, the obnoxious sister

Bachelor #1 Meets The Parents:
  • Holy crap, did Emily’s Mom eat a Turtle or is that an Adam’s Apple
  • Was bachelor #1 part of Flock of Seagulls? What’s with the hair?
  • Maybe he is Parker Lewis from Parker Lewis Can’t lose (bonus points for ANYONE who gets that reference)
  • Oh he has a trust fund? Now I get it.
  • Seagulls is asking Emily’s dad for his blessing if he proposes: “I’m an old fashioned guy so I….” Wait stop right there.  I don’t recall Cary Grant going into a hot-tub with 20 other guys on a reality show before sweeping Ginger Rogers off her feet
  • Oh his name is Jeff? Yeah, we will continue to go with “Seagulls”…

Bachelor #2 Is Up
  • As a present, #2 (Ari) gives away all the roses he got on the show to the parents.  Mom says “Wow to give something away that is so precious to him”.  Look Mom, if he doesn’t “win”, those roses are really not going to be that special to him…unless he could sell them on Ebay.
  • Asks dad for permission to marry his daughter.  Dad, apparently giving out permissions like a pamphlet on the corner of a NYC street sale, grants said permission to 2nd guy in about 4 hours

The Parents & Emily debrief

  • Emily to her parents “So, what did you think?”  For once, I would like a father to say “You know what I think.  I think they both suck and you are an idiot for going on this show not once, but twice and thinking that you can find a lasting relationship.  But love ya honey”
  • Emily “I’m not 100 percent sure I should get engaged at the end of this”.  Really? What tipped you off? That you’re a single mom and you don’t want your kid to meet any of the guys?  That you spent a cumulative of 4 hours all season with each person on dates you can never afford? That the one guy still looks like he is from the Flock of Seagulls?

The Last Dates
  • It may be my age, but every time I hear Emily refer to her daughter as “Little Ricky” I can only think of I Love Lucy and little Ricky Ricardo
  •  “I wasn’t planning on introducing my daughter to anyone this time”…Yet, surprise, surprise, here she is.  I mean god Emily, it’s not like you’re talking about a tattoo of New Kids on the Block  you got when you were drunk in college.  And, how can you plan on getting engaged at the end of the show but not want to introduce your daughter to the final 2 guys?  Now I know why I didn’t watch this season.
  • Meeting Little Ricky
  • Emily “If Ricky doesn’t like him it will change my relationship with him”.  If I were that kid, I would pull the guy aside and say “Look dude, an XBOX 360 gets you a hug & if you throw in a flat screen I will call you daddy and give you a kiss”
  • You know ABC is counting down the days until this little Ricky chick is old enough to do her own reality dating show.
  • Yep, spending 1 hour with the kid swimming in the pool is “just like being a dad”.  Nooooo, you’re not naïve or anything Seagulls, it’s all we dad’s do day in and day out.

The Decision
  • Yeah, it is just as bad as Lebron’s…well maybe not that bad.  Sorry Lebron.
  • Emily schedules a special meeting with Chris Harrison “Yeah, I don’t know what to do and who I should pick”.  Yeah, the guy who also hosts “Mall Masters” on the Game Show Network should have all the answers.
  • So Ari makes a love potion for Emily.  Not sure if you know this Ari, but you have to slaughter a live chicken first.  Maybe next time.
  • Jeff went to go see Vera Wang to pick out the ring.  “Hold on, what is that honey? “.  I stand corrected; Evidently, Jeff went to see Neil Lang to pick out the ring.
  • My wife’s advice – “Just pick the biggest ring – It's not like you’re not paying for it”
  • Emily “I don’t know if I want to get engaged.  I don’t want to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times. “Um how about you stop going on this stupid show then?
  • Wow, that kiss between Jeff & Emily means that either he really doesn’t like girls or Emily reminds him of his sister.

The Aftermath
  • So I guess Ashley & J.P. replace Ali & whoever as the example of how successful the show is at forming lasting relationships since everyone else has broken up.
  • I’m sorry, did I miss it?  Where was the shocking part of this finale? Then again, the only way for the hype to have been met would have been for Loki to come swopping in, destroy the set and for Katniss Everdeen to shoot him between the eyes (Yes, I mixed in a couple of things there, but they did say most shocking finale ever!)
  • Bachelor Pad premiers tomorrow.  Break out the Purell!

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Things I didn't know I signed up for when I become a parent


1. I would never have privacy in the bathroom... Ever again
2. Negotiating business deals is nothing compared to negotiating which cartoon my 3 toddlers will watch
3. There actually is a place called "At Wits End" and I'd visit there…A LOT. (It's close to "Up To Here")
4. I would have to watch every single thing my toddler does and respond like they just mapped a genome.
     o Kid: “Daddy, watch this”
     o Kid: “Daddy you’re not watching”
     o Kid: “OK Daddy, now watch me”
     o *kid flaps arms*
     o Me:”Awesome!”
5. I would have to be an encyclopedia of knowledge and explain everything ever created in world. “Daddy, what’s this? Daddy, what’s that? Daddy, what’s this?...”
6. An appropriate dinner can be gummy bears, a banana, a frozen waffle and an ice pop
7. Burying my head in a pile of pillows can be an acceptable form of dealing with my kids arguments
8. Three of my most dreaded words would be “Some assembly required”
9. I would need to navigate my home like it was a mine field ·
10. I would be manipulated so easily.
     o “Daddy, you are so handsome, I love you so much. Can I have an icepop?”
     o “Of course you can sweetie”
11. My choice of words would be forever changed. Case in point. As I am stepping out of a meeting at work I announce to everyone “Excuse me, I have to go potty”
12. I'd get my own personal “play by play” announcers. “Daddy’s brushing his teeth. Daddy is sleeping. Daddy is getting dressed.”
13. I'd become a doctor and that kissing a “boo-boo” actually does make it better
14. I'd wake up some days and immediately start counting hours to my kids bedtime
15. I’d find out that there is a sound worse than fingernails on chalkboard and it’s called whining
16. That I would need to protect myself like MMA fighter when playing with my kids.
17. I would be able to read the future: For example, here is a recent conversation with my son:
     o Me: “No”
     o Me: “I said no”
     o Me: “Buddy don't do it”
     o Me: “Look, we know how this'll turn out. You'll do it, I'll get mad, & you'll cry, so can we just skip it?"
     o *Son does it*
     o *Daddy gets mad*
     o *Son cries*
18. Not only would I watch cartoons, I would call out inconsistencies in them.
     o “Shouldn’t the Octonauts go through a depressurization chamber before going into the station?”
     o “Wait a second, how come the cow talks but the pig doesn’t?”
19. I would know what it is like to be bi-polar.
     o Me: “awww, I love these kids more than life itself”
     o *2 minutes pass*
     o Me: “STOP IT! GET OVER HERE! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE. I SAID GET OVER HERE!!”
     o Awww I love them

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I Sound Like My Parents



Remember all those things your parents said to you that you swore you would never say? Yeah....how's that working out for ya?

Here are things I have caught myself saying to my kids:


1.  No we are not there yet and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!
2.  Do you want me to pull this car over and go back home?
3.  Don’t make me count to 5.  OK now you’ve done it.  One….two….you better hope I do not get to 5…three….I’m serious…fffffoooooouuuuurrrrr…..OK now you’re in trouble….5!!!
4.  You will eat it and you will like it
5.  I am going to call Santa Claus and tell him you have been bad and to skip our house
6.  Close the door, what do you think I do, heat (or cool) the world?
7.  We are not made of money
8.  If you can’t take care of your toys, I am going to give them to someone who will!
9.  Eat your dinner, there are starving people who would love to have that food
10.For the love of god, will you be quiet for just 5 minutes!!
11.You better stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!
12.When I was your age I didn’t have the things you do
13.Do you ever listen?
14.The only I time I use my kids middle names is when they are in trouble
15.Don’t use that tone of voice with me young man
16.I don’t care who’s fault it was, now you’re all in trouble
17.Why? Because I said so
18.Maybe Later
19.I’m not asleep, I am just resting my eyes
20.If your brother jumped off a bridge, would you too?
21.Just wait till you have kids (mind you, my kids are toddlers)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

How To Love A Child - A Daddy's Guide

There are countless books, blogs and advice givers (who the loudest are, ironically, the one's without kids) who "teach" you how you should raise your children.  Since much of this advice centers around encouraging your children, showing them respect and disciplining when necessary but also giving them wings to fly, I don’t feel the need to re-hash that.  Those are probably all written by Mom’s anyway – well, except for the ones written by those who have no children. 

So, let’s look at how to love a child - from a Daddy's perspective!

1.   Build a fort out of couch cushions
2.  Tie a pillow case around your neck and fly like Superman
3.   Let them pop all the bubble wrap
4.   Develop plans to build a space ship (or a Death Star!)
5.   Blow bubbles – and don’t worry if it spills!
6.   Eat dessert first
7.   Hold up you’re pinkie and talk in an English accent when drinking tea
8.   Let them color…outside the lines
9.   “Monsters in your closet you say?” – “Good thing Daddy was hard at work in his secret lab creating his ‘Monster Repellent’.  Now let me spray your room so you can go to sleep!
10. It's OK to say “Yes” even when you don’t want to (sometimes)
11. Try to find them during hide and seek…and fail
12. When your child says “look at me daddy”…look at them…and act really, really impressed no matter what they do
13. Create a drum set out of pots and pans
14. When you shake their hand, wince in pain because they are soooo strong and ask to see their  muscles
15. Tell them that the Cake they made was the BEST EVER (Sorry Mommy!)
16. Have breakfast for dinner
17. Let them pick out their own clothes, and don’t worry if they do not match
18. Act scared when they roar like a dinosaur
19. Teach them the "Superfly Snuka" leap onto the bed
20. Wear the tie they gave you
21. Be interested in what they want to do, not what you want them to do
22. Make up a story - any story, in which "INSERT YOUR CHILD'S NAME HERE" saved the world!
23. Remember what it was like to be a kid
24. Laugh…a lot

Monday, June 4, 2012

36 Things I Have Done That My Kids Will Never Do


 Why 36?  Well, that’s all I could think of. Quit being a conformist.  Now, onto the list!

1.  Manually roll down their car windows
2.  Adjust “rabbit ears” on the TV to get reception
3.  Know how to spell
4.  Use White Out
5.  Put film in their cameras (or get film developed)
6.  Have a dime to make a phone call while on the road
7.  Choose which program to watch on TV
8.  Use an encyclopedia to research a paper
9.  Cash a paycheck (direct deposit!)
10. Use a card catalog at the library
11. Wait years for a movie to come out on broadcast TV so you can see it
12. Cut coupons
13. Read a map
14. Fax something
15. Answer the phone without knowing who is calling first
16. Get up to change the channel on the TV
17. Write a handwritten letter
18. Drive around different stores looking for the best price
19. Negotiate with the whole family to determine what we will watch on TV
20. Have only 3 channels to choose from
21. Use a travel agent
22. Use the white pages to find a number
23. Getting paper 3D glasses from Burger King
24. Dial up their internet connection (screech)
25. Make a mix tape
26. Remember someone’s phone number
27. Be surprised at a movie’s twist ending (damn you internet spoilers!)
28. Not talk to strangers (thank you social media)
29. Put an air conditioner in the bedroom window
30. Go to an arcade
31. Sit through commercials
32. Wear a watch (unless it is an Iwatch)
33. Wait 40 minutes to cook something instead of microwaving it
34. Physically go to a video store to rent a movie
35. Not know how to fix something (Thank you Google)
36. Use cash (or maybe that will be my grandchildren)

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Top 10 Most Memorable Sports Moments Of All (well, my) Time!


I have been in a sports frame of mind this week.  With the Devils beating the Rangers to get into the Stanley Cup Finals, the Nets exciting move to Brooklyn and the Mets not sucking, it’s been good.  It got me thinking back to the most memorable sport moments in my lifetime.  I know that is a subjective and somewhat personal thing.  I also know I am limiting it to moments I can remember in my lifetime (sorry “shot heard round the world”) but I am pretty much talking about post 1980.  Anyway, here we go...

The Top 10 Most Memorable Sports Moments Of All (well, my) Time!

#10:  1992 Men’s Olympic Basketball: The United States Dream Team vs. the World


Yes, there were a lot more “important” Olympic athletes and moments in my lifetime.  There have been horrific Olympic tragedies such as the Atlanta bombing and Munich massacre as well as uplifting performances by athletes such as Carl Lewis, Rulon Gardner, Michael Phelps & Mark Spitz.  But one of the most memorable “events” for me was the introduction of professional basketball players to the US team in the 1992 Olympics (something I am actually not a big fan of). Traditionally the team would be filled out with amateurs, but a rule change in 1989 allowed professionals to play.  In 1992 a team of NBA stars headlined by Michael Jordan, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird led the United States to a total domination of the competition.  It was so amazing that the opposing players would ask for pre-game autographs and photos of the US players.  USA Coach Chuck Daley did not call a single time out the entire Olympics.  

#9 1993 NCAA Basketball Finals: Michigan vs. North Carolina 


This was a battle of two tournament #1 seeds; North Carolina coached by the legendary Dean Smith and Michigan, also known as the Fab-5 because they started 5 freshmen.  What made the game memorable was, unfortunately for star player Chris Webber, the fact that Webber called a time out in the closing seconds, when Michigan did not have any left, resulting in a technical foul.  Interestingly enough, probably less memorable was the fact that Michigan was stripped of all of their wins that season (including the tournament) due to Webber’s under the table payments while in college.

#8 Athletes versus My “Innocence”


Over my lifetime, I have gone from a wide-eyed kid looking up at these larger than life stars to a somewhat jaded adult who hopes that my kids have better sense than try to emulate the stars of their day.   This loss of innocence, as I call it, is probably the biggest let down of all.  Just think...

·         At one time, O.J. Simpson was once the outstanding running back who became the first player ever to run for more than 2,000 yards in a season and not the man accused of murdering his wife.
·        At one time, Tonya Harding was a championship level figure skater, not the woman who covered up an attack on rival Nancy Kerrigan.
·       At one time, Lenny Dykstra was the scrappy Mets outfielder and not the guy sentenced to 3 years in a state prison for Grand Theft Auto.
·         At one time, when you heard the names, Barry Bonds, Ben Johnson, Roger Clemens and Marion Jones you did not first think of performance enhancing drugs.
·         At one time, Pete Rose was the guy who had more hits than anyone ever in the game of baseball and not the guy who was permanently banned from the sport for betting on it.
·        The list goes on and on.  Ben Roethlisberger, Kobe Bryant, Brett Favre, Tiger Woods, Michael Vick, Jenifer Capriati, do I really need to go on…because I can…
·         …Lawrence Taylor, Plaxico Burress, Jayson Williams, Steve Howe, Mike Tyson, Dwight Gooden….you get my point.

When Charles Barkley said that athletes should not be role models (while at the same time collecting millions in endorsements for being someone kids look up to), he couldn’t have been more right.

#7: 1987 AFC Championship Game: The Denver Broncos versus the Cleveland Browns


On the surface, you may not recognize this game.  However, if you are a football fan, you probably would recognize this AFC championship game for what it is most famous for, and that is “the Drive”.

As a lifelong Raider fan, I hated everything to do with the Broncos, Elway included.  Watching this game, all I could do is shake my head as Elway marched the Bronco’s 98 yards to tie the game with 37 seconds left in regulation.  They ultimately went on to win the game in overtime with a field goal.

Other considerations for my one word memories include The Catch, the Fumble (same teams – go figure) and Cher (wait, that last one doesn’t make sense).

#6 1995: Stanley Cup Finals: Game 4: The NJ Devils Sweep the Detroit Red Wings


OK, I know I am being a little selfish with the inclusion of this game/series.  This is probably just a personal game to me because I was actually in the building for this game and that objectively this is not an “all time memorable event”.  But, like the kid who took his ball and went home, it’s my list, so…

I have been a Devil’s fan ever since they moved to NJ and as I said, I was at this game (great center ice seats) and I got to see the team skate out with the cup.  The Detroit Red Wings were the heavily favored team going into the series, but the Devils, led by Martin Broduer and Scott Steven’s shocked the world…ok maybe shocked the Hockey world?...fine surprised the hockey world with its 4 game sweep.  This was not only the Devils first Stanley cup win, but also the Garden state’s first major sports championship.

On a side note, I was offered $1,000 for my 2 tickets as I walked into the arena and turned it down.  Glad I did – it is a memory that has stayed with me and I am sure I would have blown that money on something ridiculous anyway.

#5 1989:  Chicago Bulls beat Cleveland Cavaliers in game 5 of Eastern Conference Finals


You may ask, why this game?  The Bulls didn’t win the title this year and at this point his "Air-ness" had 0 world championships.  For those who remember the pre-3 peat (and pre-Phil Jackson) Bulls, this was a game (and series) that the heavily favored Cavs lost to the Bulls.  Yep, you read that right…”Heavily Favored Cavs”.  In fact the Cavs swept the Bulls 6-0 in the regular season.  However, the reason this game sticks in my head is that it was the one that turned Michael Jordan into “the Man” in my opinion.  6 seconds left in the game, Bulls up by 1.  The Cavs inbound the ball and 3 seconds later go up by 1 – with only 3 seconds left on the clock.  Jordan, double teamed, gets the ball, and in a shot that will forever be etched in my head, shoots over Ehlo, scores and send the bulls into a wild celebration!

#4 1994 NHL Eastern Conference finals game 7: Rangers beat Devils in double OT


OK, this pains me to put this one here on the list.  I mean I literally have pains right now as I type this…but I…must…go…on

For this series, the Devils were up 3 games to 2 going into Game 6.  Rangers captain Mark Messier made a guarantee that the Rangers would win game 6.  Devils were up 2-0 when Messier put on a show, scored a hat trick and the Rangers won the game.  Going into Game 7, the Devils still felt in control, taking a lead into the 3rd period with 10 seconds left to go.  However the Rangers not only scored in those last 10 seconds, but went to double overtime where they eventually scored, giving the Rangers the win, earning the praise of the greatest series in hockey and forever making me hate the 3 words “Matteau, Matteau, Matteau”. 

Footnote:  While the Devils recent victory of the Rangers helps (amazing that Brodeur was in goal for both), for those of us who lived through 1994, it will always be painful memory.

#3 1985: Boxing: “Marvelous” Marvin Haggler vs. Thomas “The Hitman” Hearns


My first exposure to boxing was Rocky Balboa fighting Apollo Creed in the Rocky movies.  Rocky introduced me to the back and forth nature of boxing and the exciting non-stop action as each “boxer” punches each other in the face and keeps  coming back for more. 

Then I watched a real boxing match. 

It was like finding out there was no Santa Claus.  What a let-down.  Boxing was pretty much 2 guys skipping around the ring and then holding onto each other like it was a slow dance at a high school prom. 

All that changed in 1985 when I watched the Hagler v Hearns match.  3 rounds of just complete awesomeness.  Both were dominant fighters and didn’t disappoint.  While only being a total of 8 minutes of fighting, I would go as far as saying that it was the greatest match in the history of Boxing!

#2 1986 World Series Game 6: The NY Mets beat the Boston Red Sox


I will caveat this entry by saying that not only am I a Mets fan, but I was actually at this game.  That said, I still think it has to go down as one of the most memorable World Series games of all time.  Boston, trying to break the curse of the Bambino was 1 out away from winning the World Series.  Champaign is on ice, no one on base and up comes "The Kid" Gary Carter and a single to keep what faint hopes alive (and put me back in my seat instead of heading for Shea stadiums exit).  Without giving the rest of the play by play, it ends up that the winning run (Ray Knight) gets to third base and Mookie Wilson is up to bat.  After fouling off what appears to be 200 straight pitches, he hits a grounder to first.  The ball “GETS BY BUCKNER” and the Mets win an improbable game and sends the series to game 7 (which the Mets had to come from behind once again to ultimately bring home the crown).  This put the Amazing back in the Mets!

#1 1980: USA hockey defeats Russia


If you weren’t around for this game, then it may be hard for you to truly understand the importance of it and really how unbelievable the victory was.  From a hockey standpoint, it was a true David versus Goliath matchup.  The US team was full of amateurs and college players going up against a Soviet team that had basically won every single world championship and Olympic tournament since 1954.  In fact, the soviet players, who were not permitted to play in the NHL, played the NHL all-stars and won 6-0.  Forget any type of dynasty you think you know, the Soviet team just did not lose.  In fact, these two teams played right before the Olympics and the Soviets destroyed the US team by a score of 10-3.  Long story short, the USA team defeated the Soviets 4-3 and Al Michaels said the memorable words as the clock wound down to 0 “DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?”  Players ran onto the ice in celebration, coach Herb Brooks broke down and cried and the team spontaneously started singing God Bless America in the locker room.

Funny thing was, while this is the game that gets all the press, it wasn’t the gold medal game.  USA had to come from a 2-1 deficit to beat Finland for the gold medal.  When down 2-1 in the second period, coach Brooks supposedly told the team in the locker room; "If you lose this game you will take it to your graves".  Then he turned to leave, spun around and said "Your @%$! graves" and the walked out.  The team went out and won the game.

When the US received their Gold medals, there was only supposed to be 1 player on the podium (the captain), yet Mike Eruzione waved for all his teammates to join him.  It was a fitting end.

It was dubbed Miracle on Ice and it really was.