Bachelor Breakdown: The Skinny Dipping Episode

Week four of the Bachelor - better known as the "skinny dipping" episode!

1. Nikki got a Date card in Spanish and another girl had to translate.  If I were that girl, I would have translated incorrectly.  Instead of the card saying “Let’s find Love in San Juan”, I would have told her that it said “Nikki – I have fallen for a guy named Juan – please go home”.
2. Ben seems surprised that Nikki is not complaining about the rain.  Um, Ben, she is trying to win the game.  In real life she would have cursed you out for not bringing an umbrella.
3. Nikki:  “Dating Ben makes me feel…” I’m sorry Nikki, did you say Dating Ben?  Is that what you think you are doing here???
4. Blakely’s occupation says “VIP Cocktail Waitress”.  Is that a euphemism for stripper?
5. Girls, when you try to emulate baseball players wearing black under their eye’s, know that its grease to prevent sun glare – not mascara
6. Ben said he has only had a few serious relationships.  Does he count the 30 days of sharing Ashley with 20 other guys as serious?  I guess he has to since he proposed – just not sure how he reconciles that.
7. Some girl said “I want my 2^nd chance at a fairy tale. “ Maybe instead of the Bachelor you should watch the Alternate ending to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
8. I find when the girls talk it’s actually pretty boring.  That must be why the producers queue the mood music – to try to make it seem better than it really is
9. Ben holds the rose out to the girl on the 1:1 and then doesn’t give it to her.  Really? Did you have to hold the rose out?  That is just cruel. How would you have liked it Ben if when you proposed to Ashley she took the ring, looked at it, and then said – naaa – this isn’t going to work.
10. Girl who got voted off during 1:1 - “I just don’t understand what I did wrong?”  Uh, you opened your mouth and spoke.
11. The one thing Courtney does do is really dispel all those stereotypes about models.  You know the ones where all models are these smart, intelligent, coherent, non-shallow people.
12. Does Courtney have parents? Are they watching this show?  I hope for their sake she told them she was on American Idol or something.
13. Emily – oh Emily, you were so close.  I guess you haven’t learned your lesson.  
14. Emily talking about model Courtney:  “I don’t know why Ben would keep someone so shallow”?  Ummm, have you seen Courtney skinny dipping?
15. Courtney says the other girls do not have the same connection that she and Ben have.  Oh, you mean they keep their clothes on?
16. If Ben picks Courtney in the end, it will be like Jake picking Vienna – and we know how that worked out. They might as well triple date with Bentley

Bachelor Breakdown: Week 3

You will notice while reading my comments about the bachelor that, to me, the girls do not have names yet.  Not that it really matters.  I look at the bachelor girls in the same way that I reprimand my children.  When reprimanding my child, I may not get their name right when I tell one of them to stop whining (or hitting, or making a mess, etc) but sooner or later, whatever kid I scolded will eventually do it anyway, so law of averages works out.  Therefore, with week 3 of the bachelor in the books…

1. We are 5 minutes into the show and someone is crying already?  Seriously?  This girl is surprised that Ben is going out with other women.  Have you not watched this show before?
2.  Random Girl - “It’s been a long time since I felt this way”.  First of all, you are 21 years old.  What, were you 4 the last time you felt this way?  And, what way in particular?  The last time you fell for a guy who was dating 20 other women?
3.  Did the model actually say “Winning”.  Many things are wrong with this.  First, didn’t that Charlie Sheen quote go out of style 5 minutes ago?  Second, if you consider what you are doing as winning, you need to re-evaluate your definition of the word.
4. Random Girl with no clue on relationships - “I wish Ben and I were going Grocery shopping right now”.  OK, listen up, I know you are romanticizing your future together, but try to aim higher.
5. Ben “I have no idea what is holding Rachel back?”  Really Ben?  You don’t think it MAY have something to do with the 15 other women you are making out with on a daily basis?  Perhaps that is what is holding her back!
6. Some girl mentions Ben and Ashley.  I honestly had no clue who Ashley was.  Oh, the girl he proposed to on the last season of Bachelorette.  It must have been minute 16 of her fame ride.
7. Sorry Ben, no one who has hair like you has a “Rough Side”.
8. Hey, theater girl!  If you need all this re-assurance, you probably should have picked a different show to be on – like wheel of fortune.
9. Why are the women upset when another girl leaves?  I know they are not the brightest bunch, but someone needs to sit them down, get some construction paper & crayons and then walk through simple percentages.  “OK random girl, Billy has to choose from 4 lollipops which gives each lollipop a 25% chance of being selected, if one of those lollipops has an emotional breakdown and leaves, do the remaining lollipops have a better or worse chance of being picked”?
10. Someone actually said – “I love being completely alone with Ben”… yeah, except for the camera man, and crew…
11. Random Girl “Sometimes you can wait years for a love like this”.  Like what? Like a reality show love that will be over before “After the final rose” airs?
12. Maybe the girls don't know how TV shows are put together?  I feel that way when one of them said “It makes me feel special that Ben put this date together for me”.  Seriously, you think Ben did that?  Maybe you should date Ramon the producer?
13. Ben “My wife is in that room”.  Sorry to break it to you Ben, but no, she is not.  Have you looked at the track record of this show?
14. So Emily will be the new Bachelorette.  I would think that anyone who gets to the final 2 would want to lose.  Choices are 1) Win, and get a failed relationship or 2) lose and be the next bachelor/ette.  Losing is winning as the model (or Mr. Sheen) would say

The Good Old Days

I remember when my parents & grandparents used to tell me about “back when they were a kid” and how so many things have changed.  How my generation had it so easy, dressed so weird, had crazy hairstyles and listened to horrible music.  “What is this “noise” you’re listening to?”  (By the way, I think it was Run DMC & LL Cool J and try not to think about that one time with Samantha Fox).  They talked about the difference in growing up and how they walked uphill to school (both ways). 

Well the other day I was thinking about how kids today and how things were very different back when I was growing up. 

1. When I was little I had an X-Box Kinect, except it was called actually going outside and playing with my friends
2. We wouldn’t email or text anyone.  We would however, write on a piece of paper, pass it across the classroom so a girl could read: “Do you like me?  Yes. No. Maybe.  Check one box”
3. I never had a play date.  Instead I walked to my friends houses, knocked on their door and asked if they could come out and play
4. We used an encyclopedia not Google. Plagiarizing was much, much harder!
5. We answered the phone with Hello because we had no idea who was calling
6. I wasn’t worried about drugs or pregnancy, however I was worried about getting picked last for kickball
7. Yes, at one point I had only 5 channels on TV, yet there was always something to watch
8. I didn’t have an I-Pad, I-Pod, I-Home, PSP, Nintendo DS etc - but I did have an imagination – oh yeah, and my GI-Joe action figures
9. Social Networking was when we actually met people face to face
10. I would call adults Mr. or Mrs.  I didn’t even know they HAD first names
11. Calling your kids on their cell phone? Nope, didn’t exist, but parents screaming out their front door that it was time for dinner – everyone heard that!
12. Girls wore earrings, boys didn’t
13. Taking candy from strangers?  Yay…free candy!
14. Aids didn’t exist until I heard about Magic Johnson
15. I knew what Willis was talking about
16. Receipts from stores were actually short and not a dissertation about such-and-such brand that brought down an acres of rain forest to print
17. Family game night was played with actual board games and not with family members in different rooms linked together through wi-fi
18. Baseball hats were worn facing forward
19. We would talk to strangers and respect adults
20. Roller Skating was considered fun – until the slow song came on and you sweated over finding a girl to skate with, and of course, falling down
21. There was only 1 Captain from Star Trek and his name was Kirk
22. There was no such thing as reality stars
23. The Gooch was the most feared bully on TV. Extra points for anyone who gets that reference
24. O.J. Simpson ran through airports (sans knife and bloody glove) on hertz commercials
25. Michael Jackson was alive and Paul McCartney was dead (well only if you played the Beatles I’m so Tired backwards)
26. Vampires didn’t sparkle
27. The bathroom was "The Fonz's" office?
28. Donald Trump had bad hair – OK maybe things haven’t changed in that regard

My god, I am turning into my parents.  Now excuse me while I walk to work - - uphill…both ways

How far has Tebow mania gone?

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him  around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I travel.  I travel a lot.  I have flown over a million miles in my lifetime.  I have woke up in hotels and not known where I was because it is my 3^rd location in 3 days.  I have ridden in rental cars from small cars I couldn't fit in to mini-vans I could swim in.  Many of my friends and family (and strangers) think travel is glamorous.  Well think again…

Going Through Security

These people are not your friends, nor do they have a sense of humor.  If they ask you to take off your shoes, please do it.  Do not engage in a discussion around why you shouldn’t have to.  Do not then walk through with your shoes on and act surprised when they pull you into the holding pen – which by the way is just a glass enclosure where you are on display like a goldfish with people staring and poking the glass at you.  You will not win the argument and you will hold up the rest of us.

Now, I am not on a soapbox about security agents.  They have their faults too.  My biggest issue? Its how they use the conveyor belt for their own personal amusement.  You know what I mean.  Your luggage and laptop and shoes and coat are all going through.  You wait on the other end with the other passengers like your awaiting the birth of a baby – staring into the abyss – yep there it is, my laptop is coming out…And it’s a DELL!  It would be fine if it ended there – but no such luck.  Bags pile up – the belt keeps running, things are crashing into each other and travelers frantically try to get on their shoes, get their 3 oz liquids packed, and answer their ringing cell phone.  All the while your thinking, yeah, the TSA agent can stop the belt and this chaos.  Its is most likely this vicious circle of events.  I bet as a kid, the TSA Conveyor belt guy would chase the ice-cream truck yelling STOP ICE CREAM MAN STOP as the driver looked in the mirror and sped up just a little to get that person to run faster.  I choose to just stand there and wait for this game to stop – while eating an ice cream cone!

Delays at Airports

You rush through security, you get to your gate and you see the dreaded 20 minutes delayed for your flight.  Now, frequent travelers know that airport delay times are like dog years, you have to do a conversion to understand the true impact.  20 minutes delay means that the plane hasn’t even left yet from the airport it is coming from, but the airlines do not want to give you enough notification so you can actually go somewhere for the 2 hours it will take (best case) to get here.  Rather the delay time is updated in 20 minute increments with the announcement saying – even though were telling you there is no way the flight can get here, you have to stay in the boarding area. 

That leaves us stranded travelers searching out the three most valuable commodities during airport delays

1.       An outlet.  People will camp out next to an overflowing dumpster just to be able to plug in their phone or laptop

2.       Decent food.  I don’t know why I do it, but I will look at a sandwhich and even though I know that the 7 other times I have had it, it tasted like cardboard…I still go for #8.  WHY do I think this time will be different?

Using Overhead Space

I am not sure if people understand the proper use of overhead space.  This space is for carry-on luggage.  I could go into how people try to fit these oversized bags into this tiny space when the laws of measurements dictate that it won’t happen.  However, I am going in the other direction.  I come on with my properly sized carry-on bag and go to put it in the overhead space by my seat.  What’s there – another bag? Nope. Rather a hat. Or a suit-jacket.  A Hat? Seriously? You couldn’t wear it or put it on your lap on a full flight?  And your suit jacket? The proper protocol is for you to put your jacket on-top of your bag – not lying down taking up a whole spot for a bag.  And when I ask – it becomes like a desert scene – tumbleweeds blowing across the aisle… no one says a word

Sitting on the Plane

You think that this would be the easiest part of the trip.  Get to your seat, sit down and either hold on with white knuckles, or kick back and relax depending on your point of view.  If it were only that easy!  Once I sit down, here are, in no particular order, the things that will ultimately happen:

·         The person getting into the seat behind me will continuously pull down on the back of my seat when getting up or down – causing me to either spill my drink, drop my phone, or get more dizzy than when I rode space mountain in Disney World

·         The person in front of me will recline their seat all the way back, crushing my knees, snapping my laptop shut on my fingers, all while giving me a birds-eye view of their scalp

·         I will be reading a book, in fact I will have the book right up to my face like I am trying to burrow my way into it, and the person next to me will feel that somehow this is body language that screams, lets engage in a conversation

·         I will sit in the Aisle seat and when “window seat person” either comes in or out of the row, they don’t even wait for me to get up and let them in/out, they just squeeze right by me.  Let me tell you, face first, back first, it doesn’t matter – there is no good way to do this.

Getting off the plane

There is this rule of “turns” that we learned when we are 2 or 3 years old.  You know, as in, there is an orderly fashion for things and we all take our appropriate turn. This rule does not go away just because you are on a plane.  So, when it comes time to de-board the plane, that doesn’t mean that last one out is a rotten egg.  It means that we orderly get up according to row, get your bags and leave the plane.  And while I understand catching a connection, there is such a thing as courtesy where you say excuse me, rather than hip-checking me back into my seat like you are from the old Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Team.

Checking Luggage

The best I say about waiting for your checked baggage is equate it to playing a game of Russian Roulette.  You know that someone (bag) will not make it through, you just hope it’s not yours.

So the next time someone tells you about all the trips they have to take, hold off on those jealous feelings, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds!

A Sneak Peak Inside the New NBA Labor Agreement

The NBA owners and players can’t seem to come to an agreement to end the NBA Lockout.  For some reason players feel that a 50/50 split of the revenue is not fair.  Maybe if they actually went to the classes that their athletic scholarship provided, they might understand that 50/50 is the actual definition of fair.

 

Either way, since the terms of the agreement are still up in the air, I would like to submit my ideas of MUST HAVE rules that should be included in any labor deal.  I think that these rules will not only allow for a greater enjoyment of the game, but will dramatically up the IQ quotient of its players, coaches, owners and viewers all at the same time.

• Players should not be allowed to high-five each other after a missed free throw. You missed one of the easiest shots in a game.  Heck, its called a FREE throw.  You're lucky I didn't say you couldn't high five after MADE free throws.
• In any future labor agreement lockouts or strikes, players should not be allowed to:
• Say that the league is taking food off my families tables as Latrell Sprewell who made $15M a year once said.  Now maybe Latrell just didn’t know where to shop so I have created the following list to aide players if a desire to utter these words exist in the future.  For future reference, if you think you cannot feed your family on $15M, you actually can buy the following:
• 3.75 million Big Macs from McDonalds.  Make it 2.1 if you supersize it & add the meal deal
• 7.3 million Tacos from Taco Bell
• 1.9 million buckets of chicken from KFC
• Players may not make any contextual references to how poor they are as Patrick Ewing once did when he said “Yes, we make a lot of money, but in our defense, we spend a lot of money.'' 
• Players may not talk about how they have to "resort" to getting a "real" job in order to make ends meet as Delonte West recently did when he tweeted that he had to apply for a job at the local Home Depot.  This is coming from a guy who made $8.75M in the past 2 years.  Oh yeah, he is also the same guy who has a plea deal for the time he sped through traffic on I-495 with a loaded 9mm tucked to his belt, a loaded .357 holstered on his leg and a loaded shotgun strapped to his back. I guess he is banking on Home Depot not doing any background check.
• Players cannot compare their own plight to the plight of slaves as the NFL’s Adrian Peterson did.  Adrian, I don’t know what version of Alex Haley’s Roots you have seen, but in my version, Kunta Kinte wasn’t pulling down $11M a year.  Yes, these comments were made by an NFL player and not an NBA one, but, let’s be honest with each other, it’s just a matter of time.
• When its about the money, players cannot say it’s not about the money.  Seriously, why don’t players just say – look, I am going to go to whoever pays me the most.  It would be more honest than 98% of what is said during free agency.  Yes there are exceptions, although some of those exceptions are coming from players who STILL make over $100M. 
• Max players should not be allowed to have agents.  Hey, this is helping them help themselves.  Seriously, how hard is it to say – give my client the maximum allowed contract?
• Players can only wear a suit in blue, black or grey.  Look I am open to new and different styles of clothing.  But, honestly, with the advent of 3D & HDTV’s, I just don’t think I can look at Joakim Noah off the court without going blind.  Of course, I am sure there is bound to be a revolt around this rule very similar to the protest of a dress code by Marcus Camby, who made $8M a year, when he said “I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."
• Players shall be no longer able to “talk trash” when they’re losing by more than 20 points
• Each player must have an official quote writer to avoid saying the following:
• "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." - Charles Shackleford
• "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt
•  "Were going to turn this franchise around 360 degrees!!!" - Jason Kidd
•  "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
• Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." - Doug Collins
• "I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley

The Rules of Football -For The Uninitiated

With football season in full swing, I have taken for granted that everyone is up to speed on the ritual of rooting for a team or player.  However, I know realize that not everyone may know the rules to rooting on Sunday.  Therefore, I have devised a very simple 10 step program to choosing your team.

1.       Unless you live in Texas (and maybe just Dallas) it is never OK to root for the Dallas Cowboys.  Once they dubbed themselves America’s Team, they basically alienated anyone outside of Texas.

2.       If your team is out of the playoff hunt, it is OK to root for any sympathetic team.  For example, the New Orleans saints after Hurricane Katrina and now, the Detroit Lions after a winless season, a depressed economy, a decade of futility and Matt Millen.

3.       If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other is a fan of a team, you cannot become a fan of any other team in their division.  In fact, if you’re not going with their team, you should probably pick another conference – or perhaps root for a soccer team.

4.       It is not OK to pick a team based on the uniform or the “cuteness” of a player; however, you can root against a team because of how a player looks.  For example, Tom Brady and his long hair or Mark Sanchez and his half naked GQ cover spread.

5.       It is OK to like a team based on a cool nickname of a player.  For example, Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is named Megatron, perhaps the coolest nickname ever bestowed onto any player ever! Couple that with #2 and I am on the Lions bandwagon!

6.       However, if a player gives himself his own nickname (i.e. OchoCinco)– they and their team, should NOT be rooted for – unless of course you are Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. Now if Johnson could only put Megatron on his Jersey it would be awesome!

7.     You can dislike a team if they have a rap song. With titles like Lets Ram It (Rams), Can’t Touch Us (Dolphins), Buddy’s Watching You (Eagles).  The exceptions to this rule are the Super bowl Shuffle (Bears) and the Silver and Black Attack (Raiders)

8.      When a retired star player criticizes a current player, it is usually sour grapes (has Joe Theisman ever said anything positive about any QB in the league?). You can therefore root for the team and specifically the player that was criticized.  Please note that if that retired player doing the criticizing wasn’t necessarily a national star (i.e. Merrill Hoge), it is probably an accurate criticism.

9.       It is OK to root against a player on YOUR team if your fantasy football opponent has said player on their roster.  Conversely, you can root for a player on a team you hate if you have that player on your fantasy football team.

10.   As Wesley Snipes says in Passenger 57 - Always bet on (silver &) Black! Oakland Raiders!

There - now go have some fun on Sunday!