Bachelor Breakdown Week 9: The "Just in Case Kacie B had any dignity left" edition

 “All the stuff I had to go through to get to this point is worth it”  What exactly did you go through Ben other than 20 women who threw themselves at you?

Date with Nikki

• Does Ben go on a picnic everywhere? It’s like he (or the producers) run out of ideas so just like Wile E. Coyote always goes to the old Acme Exploding Carton trick, they go to the old picnic basket.  By the way, the only way his dates would actually be interesting would be if that picnic basket exploded like Wile E’s Acme stuff.
• Ben, I don’t think it’s that cold where you need to wear that full snow suit.  Seriously, you look like Ralphy's brother from a Christmas Story.
• Nikki and Ben are at the top of the mountain with a bunch of stacked rocks.  I bet that was someone’s grave they just roasted marshmallows on.
• Nikki “I've thought about our future and our love a-lot”.  A lot Nikki? You mean in the past 20 days that this TV show was shot? That a lot?
• Ben:  “I hope she says yes to the overnight” – uh yeah Ben, she’s already said she loved you, my money is she stays the night.
• Why do they always act surprised when they get the fantasy suite card?  And really, fantasy suite? We all know what that means.  The card might as well just be a drawing of two stick figures going at it.
• Ben said he was happy that Nikki was putting herself out there.  I think he just meant putting out.

Date with Lindzi

• Jumping out of a helicopter wasn’t enough to throw at the girl who is scared of heights?  What is this fear factor? Why don’t you just dump a bucket of poisonous spiders on her while you’re at it?
• OK Ben, don’t over-react.  My 4 year old kid rappelled down a bigger rock wall at the local my-gym
• “Normally I don’t spend the night with anyone…” what they edited out was the rest of the sentence…”but now that there are camera's around, I t makes me feel so Paris Hilton like”

Date with Courtney

• “I like how Courtney is extremely unique and a little bit Nerdy”.  I think what you meant to say Ben is you like how Courtney gets naked and swims with me
• Ben: “Courtney, have you ever played “hey cow”.   Courtney: “No Ben, I had a life”.
• Another picnic and this time right in the middle of cow manure.  Awesome Ben…just awesome.
• I bet the producers are whispering in Ben’s ear – “keep the crazy one Ben”
• Really Ben, the fantasy suite shouldn’t be a big deal, you’ve already seen Courtney naked

Emily the new Bachelorette

• Ali and Ashley are here to give Emily Advice.  Yeah, Ali just broke up with Roberto and Ashley fell for Bentley.
• Emily says my life is finally back to normal with little Ricky.  The kid’s dad dies, her mom goes away to be on Brad Womack’s version of the bachelor and now she is the bachelorette.  Yeah this is exactly what that kid needs for normalcy.
• Ashley is talking about the movie Titanic and saying that Jack & Rose are the epitome of a perfect relationship.  Spoiler alert Ashley, Jack dies.

Kacie B makes a re-appearance.

•  And with that, Kacie’s last shred of dignity goes poof.  

Thumbs down to Ben! Don't worry Nikki, you are way better off not being with this guy!

How to Fix the Oscars

Hey Academy.  Do you want to connect more with the regular people and the home viewing audience?  Here’s a few tips:

• Instead of voting by the Academy members for best “whatever”, they should take the finalists and put them in an arena to fight it out.  It could be called the “GladiOscars”.  The winners would get the gold statue and the losers would have to star in Police Academy  8.
• They should have better categories.  Instead of a category for “The best international documentary on a 6 legged insect” it could instead be “The person who best dealt with the out of control ego’s of Hollywood stars”.  This years nominees…
• The lighting guy who had to deal with the wrath of Batman, I mean Christian Bale
• The girl who has to sort out all the green M&M’s for J-Lo
• They should ban the words “Who” and “Wearing” leaving red carpet interviewers with nothing to ask the stars.
• If the only people who actually watched the movie were the stars, their immediate family and the people who were forced to watch it to get the free soup at the local shelter, then that movie should not be allowed as a nominee.
• I suggest trying to find more authentic and "real" nominee's instead of "fake" and self absorbed Hollywood actors.  May I suggest the robot from "Real Steel" for one.
• When doing thank you speeches, go in the back, find the normal looking person who is performing carpentry on the set, and if he does not know who you are thanking, eliminate them from your speech.
• When picking a host.  Find the person who would make the majority of those in attendance the most uncomfortable – and pick them.  I hear Ricky Gervais is available.
• They can only nominate movies from the 80's and 90's.  These are the only ones that ever make the clips that are played during the segue anyway.  Every year we hear "We're going to need a bigger boat (Jaws).  I don't anticipate we will hear "Bella, I can't live without you (insert pained expression here)" 10 years from now.
• Actors should come as the character they played in the movie.  So long Johnny Depp and hello Captain Jack Sparrow.  So long boring guy from the Artist and hello...um, boring guy from the Artist - OK scratch that.

Bachelor Week 8: The Hometown Dates

The Hometown Dates: Also known as putting unrealistic expectations on your parents to pretend to approve of your horrible choice to go on this show.

Lindzi:

• Ben is the 2^nd guy Lindzi has brought home?  Wow Lindzi your selection process has a lot to be desired
• Lindzi looks good – I wonder if that is because the only other girl I am comparing her to is Chester the horse?
• “Every time I put my heart out there it ended in heartache”. Every time?  Really, I am sorry your relationship as a sophomore in high school didn’t work out.
• He seems surprised that  Lindzi was going to marry her last boyfriend and wonders if she is ready.  Uh Ben, look in the mirror at your own recent history…or better yet, log on to www.ABC.com or do a quick YouTube search on Ashley the crazy bachelorette no one liked.
• Lindzi 's Dad said it’s a tradition to do Chariot races.  If I were the dad, I would have added – it’s a tradition to also joust to the death with real spears
• How come the girls always say – “I didn’t expect coming in to this that I would find love”?  Um, first, you didn’t. Second, what did you expect?

Kacie B:

• Evidently, the school named field after her grandfather.  Hate to tell you Kacie, 5 years and 10 grand later that field will be renamed to “Snapple” stadium.
• Ben brings a bottle of wine and opens it on high school field – isn’t that some sort of violation?
• Why does Ben expect the girl to move to where he lives?  This is why these things don’t work out.  The girl will say ANYTHING to get picked, then in the real world she is like “move? You want me to move? No way wine boy!”
• “This is a chance for my dad to see I found somebody”.  Seriously? Do these girls even listen to themselves?
• Kacie and Ben are surprised that her dad is skeptical of “the bachelor”. My lord, just pick up an US Weekly or In Touch magazine and you will wonder no more.
• “I’m not sure Kacie’s dad like me”.  Well Ben, you told him you had feelings for other girls in addition to his daughter.  You’re lucky he didn’t shoot you and mount your head in their den.
• Kacie is frustrated her dad doesn’t trust her judgment? Well, you probably quit your job, went on a dating reality show and now say you’re in love and would accept a marriage proposal without ever dating Ben in real life.  Mmm, I wonder why he doesn’t trust your judgment.

Nicki

• Who the hell is Nicki? 
• No seriously, who is she? Was she on the show all along?

Courtney

• “My mom is like me, she doesn’t trust men”.  It’s no wonder that your dad is outside all the time with a bottle of wine!
• Courtney, maybe you shouldn’t molest Ben in front of your parents.
• Knowing how hot and cold Courtney runs, I am surprised they didn’t walk out of their fake marriage and go down the street and get it fake annulled

 The verdict

Kaci gets voted off and says “Ben, I don’t want you to be broken hearted”.  Yeaaaah. I’d be more like, "um, I sort of want you to pick the crazy model girl and get crushed yourself Benny Boy.

Bachelor Week 7: Bachelor Thunderdome: 6 Girls Enter, 4 Girls Leave

This show is starting to remind me of the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.  For those who have seen the movie, the title of this post should make sense (and it is the only Tina Turner line in any movie I will ever remember).  But the connection is not really that hard to make.  Mad Max and Crazy Courtney.  Now there is a reality show I would watch; Mel Gibson vs. Courtney the model to see who is the craziest SOB on the planet.  See, it fits!  Now onto the week in review:

·         I’ve seen enough of these shows to know, if the girls do not say “I'm falling in love with you” they’re screwed.  It goes something like this... “I know it’s only been 4 weeks and we’ve only been on group dates and you’ve been hooking up with 20 other women, but seriously Ben, I am falling in Love with you.”

·         Chris Harrison says “I just talked to Ben and he feels his wife is in this room”.  Ben, you’ve seen the show.  You have more of a chance marrying Chris Harrison than you do one of the contestants.

·         Harrison then goes on to say “He believe’s he will get down on 1 knee and propose”.  Well, we all watched Ashley’s season.  Getting Ben down on 1 knee and proposing is not really a big accomplishment.  Been proposing on a reality show?  Been there, done that.

·         The show is almost over and I still don’t know these girls names.  There is “The Horse girl”, “Bitchy Model”, “Girl who complained about Bitchy Model” and 3 others.

·         One of the girls compared Ben to a delicious piece of cheesecake...I think a more appropriate desert would be a blob of rice pudding

·         Ben and girl are walking down an isolated walkway and see a romantic table for 2 set up.  Girl says “is that for us"? Um, No, this town just treats the homeless really well.

·        Holy awkward small talk during that dinner.  It’s like they try to combine getting to know you with baring your soul and are met with disastrous results.

o    Ben: "I like cabbage"

o    Girl: "I'm falling in love with you".

o    Ben: "Do you like cabbage too?"

·       When Ben barged into the basketball game, I wanted the dudess to dunk on him and then say no blood no foul.  That would have been a classic moment in reality TV and made a star out of the “extra”

·        Ben says “Emily is so smart”.  Mmmm, no, not really, it's that you are so  dumb

·         Ben is talking about how he and some girl are walking through the jungle and randomly come across some old temple.  Randomly? Who do you think you are?  Indiana Jones?  In my history lessons, I don’t recall the Mayans having High-Definition video cameras situated around their statues taking home videos of the goddess Isis

·         Since when does getting out of your comfort zone and overcoming your fears become a critical part of a relationship?

·         Courtney got a spark, then lost her spark, then got it back again all in about 3 minutes. Red flag buddy!  If that doesn’t equal high maintenance, then what does?

·         If Courtney was any more shallow, Ben would have to wear swimmies

·         I think Courtney's on a drug, and it's called Charlie Sheen

Bachelor - Week 5. The Most Awkward Lap Dance Ever

• Courtney talks about Kaci B’s one on one date with Ben.  She says “It could go one of two ways.”  Really? Did you do that math all by yourself?
• Ben talks about his date on a “Deserted” Island like he is fighting the elements and overcoming obstacles and fears.  Um, I am sure if you guys starve or get hurt or something, I’m sure the camera guy could float you a sandwich or a band-aid.
• By the way, if I were going on this show, I would tell the producers that my fear was fancy dinners, football and seeing women in bikinis
• Ben - “What do you like to do Kaci?”  Kaci - “I like to go to the grocery store”.  Really?  That is the 2^nd time you have mentioned it as a “go to” place for you.  What is it with the grocery stores in your hometown?  
• I think girls who don’t have some sort of sordid past or disease or death to open up about, really don’t stand a chance.  It’s like they have to one-up each other each week on “bringing down walls”.  God forbid you didn’t have an ex who smuggled cocaine across the Mexican border before breaking up with you sending you into a year-long depression.
• Some girl said “Ben is such a man’s man”.  Really whatever your name is, you really think so?  He is giving you a geography lesson as he uses a motor boat dressed in banana republic bright pink shorts.
• Some girl thought they “stumbled upon a village” – yeah a village which happened to have cameras and lighting and boom mikes all set up already.  If it was truly a stumbled upon village you would be boiling in a large pot at this point and being seasoned up for someone’s dinner.
• Really, if Ben wasn’t the bachelor, girls would not like him and he would more likely be the 5^th friend on the Big Bang Theory.
• With Courtney flashing herself in front of those kids, she probably is going to end up on some list or be banned from going to playgrounds unsupervised.
• Ben says "If you ladies weren’t here today, I would have turned around and went home".  What the heck does that mean? Why would you be boating by yourself to some “stumbled upon village” where all the guys are in thongs?  Of course if they weren’t there you would have turned around!
• Does anyone else think that Courtney goes back to the house and sits in the corner of the room turning the lights on and off saying “I will not be ignored Ben” all Fatal Attraction like.
• I’m waiting for this Salsa Dance Off between Blakely and Rachel to turn into one of those kids movies where they get all gansta on each other while doing the samba.
• Also, note to self, if I ever go on one of these shows, learn how to fake cry.
• Blakely makes a scrapbook out of cut headlines from magazines and newspapers.  You know who also does that, Hannibal Lector from Silence of the Lambs.
• The girls in the house are playing “dead pool” with the girls.  The guy comes and takes Blakely’s luggage and they are passing around money from their wagers!
• Chris Harrison = Therapist
• If I were the producer of the Bachelor, I would have this mysterious “Michael” actually on the show, and then have him propose to Kaci S. and ultimately have Michael go talk to Ben.
• You know when Kaci S. is telling Ben about Michael, he is thinking, damn, can I go get Blakely back.
• Note to Kaci S; don’t cry to a guy over another guy who doesn’t want to marry you.  Basically she is saying “I don’t want to be with him, so I guess I’ll be with you”.
• When Kaci S. is bawling to Chris Harrison you know he is thinking “Now I know why Michael doesn’t want to marry you”.
• Chris Harrison said, “If you’re not open to finding love on this show, it won’t work”.  Ah, Chris, have you seen the track record of the relationships on this show, it won’t work anyway
• Note to the producers, when the girls are bawling and talking – please add subtitles.
• OMG – did this girl create a workplan for kissing Ben?
• Why do I feel that Ben will absolutely pick the girl that he couldn’t get in real life (i.e. Courtney) instead of the girl that he is more compatible with (i.e. Kaci B).

How to Avoid Getting Killed By A Tube of Toothpaste & Other Useful Israeli Travel Tips

I recently spent a few days (yes days) in Israel.  All it took was a 1.5 hour flight to my connection, a 6 hour layover, and then the 11 hour flight to Tel Aviv.  However, the flight wasn’t the bad part of it, it was actually the anticipation.  Anticipation for what you may ask.  Well just Google “Israeli Airport Security” and you will see.  When I Googled it, I got two responses.

1)       Israel upset with Iran, may plan attack on nuclear stations

2)       Going through Israeli security is like getting a colonoscopy and tooth extraction at the same time, yet not as pleasant

So going in, I had already planned to either be on the news as someone drafted into Attack Force 1 heading into Iran, or I would be spending my time in an Israeli airport detention center trying to explain why I had 4 pairs of underwear for a 3 day stay. 

Getting Into Israel

So after all this research about security, I show up at the airport basically feeling guilty already for something.  I don’t know what that something was, but I knew that these well trained agents would uncover whatever it was I was hiding.  By the time I got to my first security checkpoint I was already confessing “YES, it was me who stole little Mary’s candy bar in the 4^th grade, but I’M SORRRY!!!!”  Well, he didn’t care much about Mary and her poor candy, but he did stare me down and keep asking me questions over and over.  Are you sure you packed this by yourself, is there any chance you’re not remembering it correctly, is your real name Kaiser Sose?”

He then looks at my passport and some other paperwork I had and asks me to remain where I am as he goes off to talk to his supervisors.  I wait about 15 minutes, which in security time feels about 6 hours, and he returns and asks “Are you sure you didn’t have anyone else pack your bags”.  I finally convince him that, yes, despite my appearance, I am more than capable of packing my own bags, and I went on my way.

After 6 hours of waiting for my flight to take off, I go through TSA security, which, let’s be honest, comparing TSA to  Israeli security, is like comparing Cy Young to Richard Pryor’s Montgomery Brewster of the Hackensack Bulls.  Here is another comparison; TSA will take away my toothpaste if it is 3.1 ounces.  Israeli security will kill me with that same 3.1 ounce tube of toothpaste.

Anyway, I get to the gate and there are people in various lines (Economy, Business, First) waiting in what appears to be an orderly fashion.  So I get in line and do what normal civilized people have been doing for generations, which is, actually waiting in the line.  As soon as the gate agent picks up the microphone to ask for people needing extra assistance to board the plan, the entire area bum rushed the gate.  Seriously, you would have thought that only 4 golden tickets have been found and beyond the gate lay the last case of Wonka Bars.  That or everyone in the gate area just heard their soccer team won (or lost).  I kid you not; people were pushing and shoving, forgetting any semblance to the once orderly line (or civilization).  Mind you, these weren’t the people who actually needed the extra assistance, oh no, those poor people in the wheel chairs had no chance!

So, I still try to maintain some level of order before the chaos turned into anarchy, and what do you know, I get to the agent, they look at my passport and pause.  Then they look at me quizzically and ask if I spoke Hebrew.  When I said I don’t, they looked at the passport again, and said – “But it says here that you do” referring to some scribbles the previous security guard wrote down.  “I assure you miss, I barely speak English and I think the only Hebrew I know is “Hebrew National” Hotdogs.  Needless to say, I was asked to wait (as everyone else continued shoving past me).  She consulted her supervisors and I watched them having a discussion, pointing at my passport and in my hysteria imaging they are saying “Should we take him out here, or have our agents in Tel Aviv do away with him?  She finally comes back to me and as I am preparing to make a run for it, she says “Have a good flight”…and that’s it.  No explanation, nothing.

On the Plane

It is a sad state of affairs when I can get on a plane, eat a big dinner, watch a movie, go to sleep, wake up, and still have hours of flying to go!  I actually kid about the watch a movie part…well sort of.  The airline had several movies to choose from, so I chose Killer Elite.  The problem was, it would play for about 7 minutes and then stop and restart…constantly.  So I would start to get into the movie only to be brought back to the beginning.  So while I watched about an hour of the movie, it was the first 7 minutes over and over.  I felt like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, although I didn’t really learn any new skills, and I didn’t drive angry!  Spoiler alert, nothing really happens in the first 7 minutes.  I can only assume that Robert Deniro ended up being the bad guy in an “I see dead people” plot twist. 

The other interesting thing on waking up was that I came out of a poor sleep and was a little groggy, and when I look up I see 5 people by the plane door, in what I assumed to be a frantic attempt to open the door 37,000 feet up in the air.  No one else seemed to be worried however, and I was eventually educated that they were praying.

To further show my ignorance, when dinner was served, I received a full course meal, with my main dish being a beef stew.  When I got my warm dinner role, I looked around, saw I was missing something, and asked the flight attendant for butter.  I was told, no, I cannot have butter.  I was a little perplexed, I said why; can I not have butter miss?  Did I do something?  Evidently it was a kosher plane.  Later in the flight, one of my seat mates asked me if I was Jewish.  Well actually he said “You’re not Jewish right?” So I said “did the butter thing give me away?”

Getting back to the US

All I can say is thank you for whatever form my company filled out.  It was basically like I had a hall pass.  Now I know what feels like to be one of the untouchables.  I walked right pass Elliott Ness, showed my form and my passport and away I went.  OK, it wasn’t that easy, but it was nowhere near the experiences I read online.

All in all it actually was a great, if short trip.  I was able to have a couple of nice dinners out on the town with extremely friendly people, was always treated respectfully, even though I did not understand the language, and  was only disappointed that I was unable to stay longer to visit other areas of the country.