Bachelor Week 5: Part II: Because They Couldn’t Fit All The Crazy Into 1 Night

• After watching the scenes for Part II, some girl better lose a limb…well except for the one arm girl, because that would be just cruel.
• Really Sean, yesterday’s Rose ceremony is the thing that makes you question if you can find your wife on this show? 

1:1 Date with some girl

• What is she wearing?  She looks like a maid.  Maybe that is the fairy tale part?
• An ice castle…with a fire.  Um, does anyone else see the potential for a melt down here?  Get it.  Melt Down.  See what I did there?
• Sean “What don’t I know about you?”.  Really, how about everything?
• I may have been thinking this is my head instead but this is what I heard her say  “I was a clone developed during the clone wars, became a bounty hunter and watched my clone dad get his head chopped off”…oh, no wait, that was Boba Fett.  Instead let me tell you this story about camp…
• This show becomes a series of one-up-manship.  Girl with one arm.  Girl falls down the stairs.  Girl given up for adoption.  Girl has tree fall on fellow camper.  Girl gets frozen in water.  You know next week a girl will cut off her legs and arms, inject herself  with the ebola virus and she will be this torso saying she has 6 months to live and her make – a – wish is to get a rose.

Group Date:

• Holy crazy person laugh.  I expected Selma to be petting a bald cat while laughing like that.
• Sean, “It’s been an incredible day so far”…really, all you did is row a boat.
• Sean “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I hope you do if you really want a rose”.  Sounds like the girls have a choice to me.
• Sean “you won’t die”.  5 minutes later “Uh, I don’t think she is breathing”
• It’s nice to see the fake concern of these girls over Tierra.  “Oh yeah, I hope she is um, not dead”
• Let’s see girl that didn’t jump into a frozen lake.  Sean can’t respect that you actually had an opinion and didn’t want to do something.  I think that is a foreshadowing of your future relationship.
• Every time someone gets a rose on a group date  all the other girls have looks on their face like “What the?”
• Holy crap, he sends home Sarah “the one armed girl”.  Now I won’t know anyone’s name
• The one girl who was actually sweet and nice gets sent home.  A lesson to the ladies I guess.
• Sarah comes out in the hallways crying.  Sean looks at her and says “Are you ok?”.  Just peachy Sean, just peachy.

1:1 Date with Des

• Sean “Anytime you get in a relationship it’s about taking a chance”.  Yeah Sean, but it’s not about jumping off a literal mountain
• Des “Oh no I hope I don’t die”.  Don’t worry Des, if you do, I got 10 other girls that will help me get over you.
• Sean “This was such a rewarding day for Des”.  Me?  Not so much
• So, now that you answered my pop quiz correctly, here’s a rose.

Rose Ceremony

• Because of my culture I have not kissed him on national television.  Wow, that is some very specific rules for that culture.
• If we cut of Ashlee’s arm, she may be my new favorite.
• How sad is it that I pay enough attention to say “Well, I know Tierra gets a rose because I saw a scene with her in a peach dress and she hasn’t worn one yet”

Bachelor 2013: Week 4: Who's That?

Girl cries 45 seconds into the show.  Is this some sort of record?

1:1 Rock Climbing Date with Selma

What happened versus what would have happened in real life

Surprise Date:

What happened on the show:

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Oh joy, this is the perfect date”

What would have happened in “real” life

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Well what should I wear?  Will we be going to dinner, do I need to wear layers? Should I bring a dress.  What type of shoes should I bring?  This is so stressfull”

They get on a private plane

What happened on the show:

• They cuddle

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Have you talked to the pilot?  Is this safe?  You know this is how JFK Jr. died.  Seriously, should we go back so I can get different clothes?”

The date:  Rock climbing in the desert

What happened on the show:

• The city girl ends up rock climbing in the heat.

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Take me home”

Selma says she cannot kiss him due to her upbringing in Iraq.  Yeah, I guess the Iraqi culture frowns upon kissing but is ok with pimping yourself out on a national TV

Date: Roller Derby

Here is how the producer’s meeting went…probably

• “We should put all these women who are fighting over the same guy in a game of violence”
• “UFC style fighting”
• “Nah, not enough violence”
• “Can we just have them shoot each other?”
• “No, I don’t think that will make it past the censors”
• “OK, how about this, let’s put the one armed girl on roller skates because her balance will be totally off and the other girls can just T-off on her?”
• “Perfect”

Sean: “Tierra, When I look into your eyes I see…” Sean, I think the words you are looking for are “Bat-Sh*t Crazy?

1:1 Date with Leslie H

• Some girl just said “Holy Batman”.  I would have sent everyone else home and said “you’re the one!”
• Leslie H. “This is just like pretty Woman” …uh doesn’t that then make you a hooker?
• Where are they going? A Junior Prom?
• Leslie – you know you have to return these diamonds right?
• 30 seconds into this dinner and I would receive my fake phone call and be like “check please”
• I am fine with Sean not giving her the rose, but did he have to pick it up and swing it in her face as he said no? 
• Sean might as well just picked up the rose and sang “you can’t touch this….hammer time”
• In his sadness, Sean drops the rose from the balcony…how dramatic.  Now stop littering.

 Rose Ceremony

• Sean says – if you question my decision, come talk to me about it.  Yeah, how did that work out for Kacie B in week 2?
• Sean “I want to get to know every part of each of these girls”.  Uh yeah…I bet you do
•  “Who’s that?” -  Me, about every girl who has more than 1 arm

Bachelor 2013: Week 2: "Who The Hell is Amanda? Who the Hell is Selma"

The Opening:

• “I see every quality I would look for in a wife with these girls.”  Seriously Sean? We haven’t even gotten to the 2^nd episode yet.

• Chris Harrison: "I really see this working out for Sean" Yeah Chris, just like it worked out for that Fake Prince…or that guy who owned a vinyard, or the guy who couldn’t pick any girl at the end…or…

• How soon before the other girls in the house start saying Sara cut off her arm on purpose for an advantage with Sean?

• Is this the stage of the show when the girls still pretend to like each other?

1:1 Date with Sarah

• Saying omg a helicopter on the Bachelor is like saying omg Mickey Mouse when entering Disney World

• "A fairy tale?” “The way I imagined it." Wow Sarah, it's a reality show with 20 other women. You really need to imagine better or read different fairy tales.

• "Let's find out these girls biggest fears...and let's do that" - Bachelor producers

• Seriously, if I was up on that building getting ready to free fall it would be like “beep, beep, beep, beep” (those represent TV censor bleeps, not the roadrunner)

• "She amazed me".  Dude, she jumped off a building...in a safety harness...nothing more, nothing less

• Sarah's dad says "You need to find a guy whose strong enough to get you through times like this"...uh sorry, my advice to my daughter would be a little different. Like, YOU are strong enough to get through this!

• I really wish a girl would say "You know what, this guy’s an ass" after the first date

• Soo not a good kiss. I bet he wishes he could take back the rose

• "I feel like I am falling in love with Shawn"...and there it is

Group Date

• So, the model wins the modeling challenge? What is her background, the Palmolive hands model?

• "I think he sees I'm bubbly.." No, Tierra, he sees…uh….those

• "I've seen another side of Leslie"...yeah, it's called her buttocks

• "I'm not here to get hurt" - some girl who is going to get hurt

• "Why are you here?"…"For love". Why even ask or answer that question? Like what else would they say?

• "I want that Rose". Yep, sounds genuine to me

• If anyone should kiss him its Kacie B. that's how you get out of the friend zone!

• Some girl: "I hope Sean sees through Tierra" - Yeah, because history has shown that the bachelors really see through that crap.  My guess is next week you confront Sean about another girl and then wonder why he gets upset.

• "No, stay" - what Sean did not say to the frizzy girl who bailed

Desiree 1:1 Date

• "This is Laura, she'll play the Art director" No Sean, you can’t give her a rose.

• Good thing for ABC that the candid camera thing didn't turn dark where Desiree stabbed the artist then tried to bury the body in order to get that Rose

• When he says "I didn't expect to be so comfortable with you" that's your queue to kiss him before that crosses into uncomfortable

• Sean "You've already seen every side of me". Seriously? you must have "0" sides

Rose ceremony

• Sean "Not having a date this week doesn't mean anything" - well, those dates must have sucked then

• Hey Lindsay, when you say your dad’s a general…all the guy hears is "he has guns"

• Sean: "I've dated everyone". See the maid over there? yep, dated her. The Gardner?...dated her too. Yep, her And her too...and her as well....

• The look of pure panic on these girls faces when someone else gets a rose is priceless

• "Who the hell is Amanda?" - Me

• "Who the hell is Selma." - Me again

• “Who the hell is…what did they say her name was again?” – Me, a 3^rd time

Of course it was going to be Amanda, they didn't even show those other girls on TV

Bachelor 2013: Week 1. I Think I Know Why These Girls Are Single

Bachelor:  Week 1

• “Oh god.  Really?  Oh Come on! Lord Have Mercy.” – Me, every 45 seconds, while watching this episode.
• Seriously, after watching season after season of the bachelor I think am I the only guy who works out with a shirt on
• “Getting over Emily took a while”.  Uh Shawn, when you say while, do you mean longer than the 30 day shoot of the previous season of the bachelorette?
• The next time I hear the word Journey, it better be mentioned as part of a 1980’s re-union concern with Steve Perry
• “I am only going to get engaged once”.  I think you mean, only get engaged on TV once…although at this rate, that probably doesn’t hold true anymore either
• I bet that dude Ari is thinking…crap, I wish I was the bachelor
• Ari, hate to tell you, but your 15 minutes of fame was over last season…well, I guess this makes it 20 minutes…well, until  the bachelor pad…crap
• “I see myself spending the rest of my life with one person”.  Gee thanks for that generic pearl of wisdom Sean.

Let’s meet some of the girls

• Girl with one arm says “I believe this show brings people together who are compatible” – Really? You mean based on all the previous successes like…um…like…yeah that Trista girl…and…um…
• “I don’t like the nerds or the politicians”.  Sorry chick-a-dee from D.C., after seeing your introduction, I think it’s the nerds and politicians who don’t like you.

Out of the car and…

• Hey poker dealer, you might as well walk right on back into that car
• I bet that girl sang to Sean to audition for the next reality show
• Girl “Have you read any good books lately?” Sean…”Yeah I read this book on the impacts of socio-economic status on…” Girl “Yeah, whatever, I read 50 Shades of Grey”
• Is Sean’s “I’ll talk to you inside” basically the bachelor version of “I’ll call you…no, I don’t need to write down your number, I’ll remember”
• “I was on bachelor pad 3”…not exactly the statement I would have led with
• Sean gives Tierra a rose and says “I hope that doesn’t cause any tension among the girls”.  Have you ever even seen this show Sean?
• You know, there is a balance between an awkward “pause” and an awkward “this sucks”
• Kristy is a model?  You mean a hand model?
• Yeah, show up in a wedding dress. That’s exactly what a guy wants on a first date.  I’m surprised you didn’t bring you mother to really seal the deal.
• Girl:  “If you break my heart, my dad will break your legs”.  Um, yeah ok, you might want to go stand next to the girl who came in a wedding dress.

And, here we go

• I am so glad this show dispels the stereotype of catty superficial women
• “I would love for my wife to be in this room” – Sorry Sean, that is only going to happen if the make-up artist’s name Susan “Wife” McGuillcutty
• Oh hell, I would bring my own rose or just find one of the dumb girls and say “Hey look over there…” Swiper no swiping
• Do these girls actually have jobs? I mean they can’t even seem to process that the guy is giving out more than 1 rose.  Not that hard to follow ladies…
• “I got a few more girls to talk to” = No rose for you
• It’s more like Ashley and her 50 Shades of “What The Hell”
• I think I know why some of these girls are single
• Blonde girl basically says “Of course he noticed me, I mean have you seen me?”
• “I don’t fight over a guy” – um, maybe you should have thought of that before you went on the bachelor
• Blonde Singer “I guess I should focus on making myself happy rather than opening up to guys”.  Open up?  You had all of 45 seconds with this guy…how much could you really have opened up.

Well, I told myself I wouldn’t watch this season, but looks like I am hooked

Why I Watch The Bachelorette - A Guy's Point of View

Let me start off by saying that I didn’t start out as a willing watcher of this show. But after being asked or should I say forced to watch it, I was hooked. But why do I watch? I hear more than one person comment on how (insert random season’s couple) were “meant to be” or are “truly in love” – to which I say…”No” and then possibly gag. Each year, Chris Harrison talks about the success of the couples on the show in finding love. Of course he does, what is he going to say? Hey guys, get ready for this exciting season where (Insert Name) has less than a 5% chance of finding their soul mate. 5% and going downward - that’s the truth of the matter. Only 1 couple in 22 seasons has gotten married. In addition to poster children Trista & Ryan who everyone always refers to, only 1 other couple (Ali/Roberto) are even still dating. Note - Jason picked Mellisa, so he & Molly don’t count. For those watching this year, please keep this statistic in mind when Ashley eventually picks JP and people anoint them as the next great couple (until they break up).

So If I don’t believe that these people will really find love on the show (shocker), what keeps me interested in it? Three themes emerge for me:

1) The CONSISTENCY of the RIDICULOUSNESS: I swear it amazes me that I watch sometimes because it is so ridiculous. But I think it’s that I can rely on the insanity on the show week in, week out, season in, and season out that keeps me coming back. I can tell you right now that on the next season someone will say:

- “I believe that my Husband/Wife is standing in this room”
- “I am now ready to fall in love” and then say “I put walls up”
- “I am falling in love with (random person”) after 3 days
- “I don’t know what is wrong with me, no one will ever love me”
- The word “Journey” 17 times an episode

In addition, everyone has jobs that are blown out of proportion. Ashley is no more of a dentist than Hermey from Rudolph the red nosed reindeer was (actually Hermey actually worked on a dolls tooth so he may be one up on Ashley). Supposedly, one bachelor was a prince? Unless you send over Prince William, I’m not buying it. You get my point here…

And don’t even get me started on the hometown dates and the questions that friends and family ask. Imagine you are in the first 2 weeks of dating someone and their family poses these questions to you:

- “Are you ready to propose/accept proposal”?
- “So, you’ve known my son or daughter 10 days, are you willing to pick up your life and relocate here”?

2) Maybe this once, it actually will be the MOST SHOCKING EPISODE EVER: Nothing shocks me anymore. Movies are predictable, scripted TV shows are predictable, but this one show promises me every week that it will be the most shocking episode ever (with the trailers to prove it). OK, they have consistently failed to deliver, BUT what IF something shocking did happen and I wasn’t there to watch it? I would have missed Jen saying no to a proposal from Jerry even though she picked him (Season 3), Brad not picking anyone (Season 11), Jason picking Melissa, then breaking up with her and going back to his “runner up” Molly (Season 13), Rozlyn having an “inappropriate relationship” with a producer (which of course means that as a guy, I envision a True Blood graveyard hookup type scenario – Season 14) and then there’s Bentley (Season 7). Say what you want about the guy, but Bentley = ratings. Here we have a guy who would look to the Camera - Ferris Bueller style - and basically let you in on the joke. Yes, it was a sick and disturbing joke, but who could argue that it wasn’t shocking?

3) It’s like a car crash, its horrible, but I can’t look away: I don’t know if it’s just that these people have low self esteem, but I feel like I have to cover my eyes like a kid watching a horror movie as I watch the cringe worthy antics of each season’s “stars”. Obviously the “title characters” just want to get married – to ANYONE. Who walks into a room of 25 total strangers and says “I believe my husband is in this room”? I mean, if Ashley walked to terminal C, Gate 95 of Newark airport and said the same thing – people would look at her funny. Yet, she probably has a greater chance of actually finding her husband there (and have a more diverse choice). It is such a 1 sided relationship on this show. One person can date 25 people and the other person can only date you. The minions are just “hoping” for a date and then act like they are so interested in whatever unrealistic date they are on such as going to Thailand to walk the streets and paint baskets, when in reality, they would rather be at home, probably watching some other reality show. The bachelor(ette) is ALWAYS in control, dolling out roses like they are Ceasar – heck they might as well do the thumbs up / thumbs down since it is the same “judgement”. And really, if you think about it, what do you “win”? So yes, car crash is an apropos metaphor.

What I really want to see is a new reality program that shows the “winning” couple actually watching that seasons episodes together. Imagine watching JP (I assume) watch Ashley basically have a psychotic meltdown over Bentley after only 3 days after meeting him? Now that promises to be the most shocking episode ever!

Why do you watch?