See The World They Said...

I travel.  I travel a lot.  What is a lot?  For some context, these past 4 months I have flown over 150,000 miles.  All domestically. 

There is a big difference between what I do, and what my friends and family think I do, especially when it comes to this travel. 

• Them: “You are so lucky.  You get to see the world and visit new and exciting places”
• Me: “Damn it, I think I am in a middle seat”

So, to set the record straight, let’s examine my travel day.  

Lines, Lines and More Lines

• Let's pretend you already have your ticket.  Upon arriving at the security checkpoint , the first big choice is knowing which line to go on.  The best advice I can give here is find the one I am going on, and pick the opposite.   Invariably I get stuck behind either
• The person who hasn’t travelled since 1973 and therefore has decided to bring a big-gulp sized bottle of Shampoo that they are now longer able to carry on.
• The couple with the kid.  Yeah, that kid.  The one who doesn’t listen, climbs on the conveyor belt and lingers in the X-Ray with a spider thinking he is going to be the next Spiderman.

Break on Through to the Other Side (of Security)

• If you are going through the security process and if by accident you forget to take that tube of Chap Stick out of your bag, be prepared to get searched like you tried crossing the Turkish border with 7 kilo’s of drugs.
• Once YOU are through, you need to wait for your bags on the conveyor belt.  The best analogy I can give is that it is like trying to catch the Ice-Cream man when you were a kid.  Running after the little bus yelling STOP Ice Cream Man, Stop!  Only this time, you are running after your shoes, your belt and your bags – all while the 19 year old TSA guy who was turned down from the “Fry job” at McDonalds continues to run the conveyor belt as your bags pile up.  So you shuttle along the length of the belt trying to grab your things, while avoiding other passengers like Mario avoiding the barrels from Donkey Kong until finally all the stuff crashes into each other and creates more of a mess than Lindsay Lohan’s acting career. 

Now Boarding...Zone Crazy People 

• Ok you got through security, now you need to find your gate.  Simple right?  Well, not so fast.
• A typical gate announcement goes like this “*gum chewing*, uh, yeah, for those of you on flight 3628-niner…your flight has been delayed.  Your new gate is…” – at that point every passenger looks for their flight number (did she say niner?) as it is the one piece of information that nobody knows or cares about.  When you finally locate the number you look up and hear…”*gum chewing*…thank you”
• When they finally line people up to board – they are very clear in saying that they will board by group number.  “Ok, now boarding Group 1”  As soon as this is said, every single passenger in the waiting area tries to board like this is the last flight out and a horde of Zombies is marching down towards the gate.
• Now, given that you actually are group 1, you almost get to the front of the line…that is until some guy in a business suit pushes aside a nun, steps on a 5 year old kid on crutches and then tries to pass you saying HE is in group 1.

• The main driver behind the mad dash for the plane is, like the Titanic and lifeboats, there is only limited overhead space for 5 carry-on bags for 237 passengers.  
• As you walk on, feeling that stress, you see an open space…DAMN, someone else took it.  Oh wait there is another.  You go to put your bag up and there is a sport coat laying down in the overhead space.  Seriously, some guy took off his sport coat and lay it down in the space?  You do the polite thing and push your bag up and scrunch up the coat and sit down.
• Great, you are finally seated…in the aisle no less.  Things are good.  Uh oh, someone sits in the window seat.  Now with seats filling up quick you know that someone will be in the middle seat.  Now you start evaluating and judging your fellow passengers.  Here comes a skinny girl…yes, yes, please yes…damn it, she walked by.  Here comes someone who looks like they talk a lot.  No, no, no…whew, they walked by.  Uh oh, here comes a fairly large person…no god please no, please nooooo

 In-Flight

• You sit down, get ready to “relax and enjoy your flight”…until the person in front of you reclines right into your lap.  Now you can’t get your laptop or book open and you’re sitting there starring at the top of their head like you are about to give them a haircut.  What do you do? The only thing a civilized person should do.  Talk to them? No…
• …You knee them in the back.  Rather than sitting up, they instead put all their weight into reclining back as far as they can.  Ok, you will deal with it…until the kid behind you starts kicking your seat.  At least the parents of the kid will reprimand them right…parent?  Hello Parents????
• Oh well, you will just get up, stretch your legs and use the rest room.  You enter and immediately discover that anyone over the height of 3’7” is in trouble.  You have to bend at the knees just to avoid the curved ceiling, lift up the seat of the toilet with your foot (because eww) try to keep it from dropping while you do your business.  You then hit the flight attendant call button because you thought that was the button for flushing and now you have drawn attention to yourself.  You hit the water to wash your hands but it only runs for about .00007 seconds before turning off.  You leave, head down in shame.

• You return to your seat and then the turbulence starts.  You immediately recall all your childhood prayers and say the “Our Father” about 17 times, you promise that you will call your parents every day, you will always say (and mean) I love you to people, you will never be mean to anyone ever again and you will…..oh wait, turbulence is over.  Now I can be mean to that ass reclining in front of me.
• You finally land and as you get ready to deplane, the other customers appear to have forgotten that there is etiquette for leaving the plane.  Row by row people like we learned in the 1^st grade.  Nope, evidently Ricky-Bobby from row 18 decides that he needs to get ahead of everyone as he pushes his way up the 18 inch aisle to try to get off the plane first like it is an Olympic sport.
• If you checked your luggage, at the gate or ticketing, you now enter into your own version of Russian roulette.  Click…bag didn’t come out….click…damn it, where is it…click…crap it’s only me and this other guy….crap he got his bag…. 

Ah, you are done

You kick off your week in your new destination by changing to the local time zone which basically means that for breakfast you want a bacon cheeseburger.  You get into Taxi’s that smell worse than that pig pen kid from Charlie Brown.  You spill coffee on your shirt and then spend the afternoon trying to cover it up.  You go to the hotel gym only to realize that the only machine they have was last used in 1856 - and it still has a line of 16 people waiting to use it.

At the end of the week, you go to the airport and start the whole process again.  Yes, the same old security buffoonery, plane delaying, Airplane bathroom crouching, child kicking business man reclining overhead bin using stress.  

You are finally back home...”here take the kids!”

Bachelor Week 5: Part II: Because They Couldn’t Fit All The Crazy Into 1 Night

• After watching the scenes for Part II, some girl better lose a limb…well except for the one arm girl, because that would be just cruel.
• Really Sean, yesterday’s Rose ceremony is the thing that makes you question if you can find your wife on this show? 

1:1 Date with some girl

• What is she wearing?  She looks like a maid.  Maybe that is the fairy tale part?
• An ice castle…with a fire.  Um, does anyone else see the potential for a melt down here?  Get it.  Melt Down.  See what I did there?
• Sean “What don’t I know about you?”.  Really, how about everything?
• I may have been thinking this is my head instead but this is what I heard her say  “I was a clone developed during the clone wars, became a bounty hunter and watched my clone dad get his head chopped off”…oh, no wait, that was Boba Fett.  Instead let me tell you this story about camp…
• This show becomes a series of one-up-manship.  Girl with one arm.  Girl falls down the stairs.  Girl given up for adoption.  Girl has tree fall on fellow camper.  Girl gets frozen in water.  You know next week a girl will cut off her legs and arms, inject herself  with the ebola virus and she will be this torso saying she has 6 months to live and her make – a – wish is to get a rose.

Group Date:

• Holy crazy person laugh.  I expected Selma to be petting a bald cat while laughing like that.
• Sean, “It’s been an incredible day so far”…really, all you did is row a boat.
• Sean “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to, but I hope you do if you really want a rose”.  Sounds like the girls have a choice to me.
• Sean “you won’t die”.  5 minutes later “Uh, I don’t think she is breathing”
• It’s nice to see the fake concern of these girls over Tierra.  “Oh yeah, I hope she is um, not dead”
• Let’s see girl that didn’t jump into a frozen lake.  Sean can’t respect that you actually had an opinion and didn’t want to do something.  I think that is a foreshadowing of your future relationship.
• Every time someone gets a rose on a group date  all the other girls have looks on their face like “What the?”
• Holy crap, he sends home Sarah “the one armed girl”.  Now I won’t know anyone’s name
• The one girl who was actually sweet and nice gets sent home.  A lesson to the ladies I guess.
• Sarah comes out in the hallways crying.  Sean looks at her and says “Are you ok?”.  Just peachy Sean, just peachy.

1:1 Date with Des

• Sean “Anytime you get in a relationship it’s about taking a chance”.  Yeah Sean, but it’s not about jumping off a literal mountain
• Des “Oh no I hope I don’t die”.  Don’t worry Des, if you do, I got 10 other girls that will help me get over you.
• Sean “This was such a rewarding day for Des”.  Me?  Not so much
• So, now that you answered my pop quiz correctly, here’s a rose.

Rose Ceremony

• Because of my culture I have not kissed him on national television.  Wow, that is some very specific rules for that culture.
• If we cut of Ashlee’s arm, she may be my new favorite.
• How sad is it that I pay enough attention to say “Well, I know Tierra gets a rose because I saw a scene with her in a peach dress and she hasn’t worn one yet”

Bachelor 2013 Week 5: Part I: Sean Should Have Given The Rose To The Horse

Start of Show:

• Some Girl “Sean is making my dreams come true”.  No sweetie, the producers are.
• Some Blonde Girl:  “I am going to see my boyfriend”.  What? Do you even hear yourself talk?
• Chris Harrison “Girls, we are going to Montana!”  *crickets* you could almost hear the depression in the room.
• Did he actually pack that flannel shirt before this show started?

Lindsay 1:1 Date

• *Walks out & see’s big Helicopter* Lindsay: “Is that a Helicopter?”  Um, no Lindsay, it’s a puppy.
• Seriously, just once I want someone to say “I hate concerts”.  
• At least these dates are setting the appropriate expectations for dates post the show.  “What do you mean we are going to see a local band, where is my private U2 concert?”

Group Date

• Milking the goat…is probably the only event in this relay where the girls will re-use that skill…sort of
• So it’s like the blue team basically gets a medal for trying?
• Red team girl who drank the goats milk is like, WHAT THE HELL?
• Seriously, I can’t keep any of these girls straight.  Is that the adopted one?
• Blonde Girl ”This is not a competition?”   No, not at all blonde girl….not a competition at all…if this was called Polygamist Bachelor
• “The red team is not happy that I brought back the blue team…and I get it”…like who wouldn’t want to be with me?
• Dude, if you do not see stalker boil a bunny rabbit on the kitchen stove top potential in Tierra, you are crazy.
• “Do you mind if I steel him”…just once I want a girl to say “No, not at all, as long as you don’t mind if I punch you in the throat”
• Why would you comfort the other girls? I’d be like, yeah, you’re right.  He probably isn’t that all into you…I think you should just quit.

2 on 1 date: Tierra & Jackie

• 2 girls, one guy.  Sounds much cooler than this actually was.
•  “I am going to be honest with him about Tierra”.  Tsk, tsk, tsk oh you are so naïve.
• “I am not going to talk bad about another girl”…but Tierra is such a bitch
• Looking at Tierra on that rocking chair makes me think the guys from Deliverance would be scared of her
• Holy Awkward Batman
• “I was hoping tonight would be much easier”.  Seriously Sean, what did you expect? Hey guys, let’s play some Balderdash?
• Tierra “I was with a guy who was in and out of rehab”.  Sean “Drug and Alcohol?”…Uh no Sean an addiction to Barney the dinosaur.
• Sean should have given the rose to the horse
• I wonder how many people yelled “you are such an ass Sean” at the TV when he gave the rose to Tierra…The answer is probably 1.  Me.

Rose Ceremony

• Sean “I think you know where you stand”.  Yep, you stand exactly with a 1:15 chance
• Desire told Sean she didn’t know where she stood and Sean says “Now I don’t feel comfortable with Des”.  Lesson learned from this ceremony….never be honest.
• Uh Sean, Kacie B.  tried to tell you specifics about Tierra and you sent her home.  So I wouldn’t say that there is a track record for encouraging honesty among the women
• If one of those girls pushed Tierra into the fire and she ended up like Harvey Dent from Batman…this would absolutely go down as the best show that ever aired on Television!

Bachelor 2013: Week 4: Who's That?

Girl cries 45 seconds into the show.  Is this some sort of record?

1:1 Rock Climbing Date with Selma

What happened versus what would have happened in real life

Surprise Date:

What happened on the show:

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Oh joy, this is the perfect date”

What would have happened in “real” life

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Well what should I wear?  Will we be going to dinner, do I need to wear layers? Should I bring a dress.  What type of shoes should I bring?  This is so stressfull”

They get on a private plane

What happened on the show:

• They cuddle

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Have you talked to the pilot?  Is this safe?  You know this is how JFK Jr. died.  Seriously, should we go back so I can get different clothes?”

The date:  Rock climbing in the desert

What happened on the show:

• The city girl ends up rock climbing in the heat.

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Take me home”

Selma says she cannot kiss him due to her upbringing in Iraq.  Yeah, I guess the Iraqi culture frowns upon kissing but is ok with pimping yourself out on a national TV

Date: Roller Derby

Here is how the producer’s meeting went…probably

• “We should put all these women who are fighting over the same guy in a game of violence”
• “UFC style fighting”
• “Nah, not enough violence”
• “Can we just have them shoot each other?”
• “No, I don’t think that will make it past the censors”
• “OK, how about this, let’s put the one armed girl on roller skates because her balance will be totally off and the other girls can just T-off on her?”
• “Perfect”

Sean: “Tierra, When I look into your eyes I see…” Sean, I think the words you are looking for are “Bat-Sh*t Crazy?

1:1 Date with Leslie H

• Some girl just said “Holy Batman”.  I would have sent everyone else home and said “you’re the one!”
• Leslie H. “This is just like pretty Woman” …uh doesn’t that then make you a hooker?
• Where are they going? A Junior Prom?
• Leslie – you know you have to return these diamonds right?
• 30 seconds into this dinner and I would receive my fake phone call and be like “check please”
• I am fine with Sean not giving her the rose, but did he have to pick it up and swing it in her face as he said no? 
• Sean might as well just picked up the rose and sang “you can’t touch this….hammer time”
• In his sadness, Sean drops the rose from the balcony…how dramatic.  Now stop littering.

 Rose Ceremony

• Sean says – if you question my decision, come talk to me about it.  Yeah, how did that work out for Kacie B in week 2?
• Sean “I want to get to know every part of each of these girls”.  Uh yeah…I bet you do
•  “Who’s that?” -  Me, about every girl who has more than 1 arm

Bachelor 2013 Week 3: Can This Guy Exercise With a Shirt On?

1:1 with Leslie M

• “How long will this love last?”  Well, given the success of previous seasons, it’s a toss-up between 3 days and a Kardashian marriage
• Chris Harrison:  “Is this the most bizarre thing you have seen”. Random person: “Yes”.  And this is in front of the museum which hosts the record for the most people dressed as Smurfs
• In 5 years people will read this in the Guinness Book of world records and say “Who?”
• “I loved High School”.  OK, she must have been a bully.
• Yeah Leslie, sure you were a nerd.  Sean should quiz her.  “OK, what is ComicCon?”
• “Do you think you could develop feelings for me in this setting?”.  Really Sean, what do you think she was going to say?  “Ah, not really, but I really want that rose because it gives me a better chance of being invited onto the cast of the bachelor pad”…I mean, “Yes, of course I already am”

Group Date:

• “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life” – wow, think the monopoly game I played as a 10 year old during family game night was more important
• Hey girl with the bandana…don’t you know that crying and desperation don’t go well together
• “Sean has all the qualities I want in a husband…you know blonde…and uh…did I say blonde?”
• It’s too dark, I can’t see who that girl is talking to Sean on the beach…then I realize, what does it matter, it’s all the same
• Sean to a girl he just met “I can tell you have a genuine heart”.  Really Sean, how can you tell? Is it because she doesn’t have one of those dastardly mustaches that those old west criminals had that gave away their un-genuine hearts?
• Complaining about other girls?  Yeah, that has gone over well in previous seasons

1:1 Date Ashlee

• Tierra takes a fall and all the camera men are standing around and the producers yell ”Don’t touch her yet!!!…Wait till the bachelor comes in”
• Seriously, a neck brace?  My 3 year old would have gotten up from that fall & complained less #Bachelor
• You would have thought that another girl hit her on the back of the head with a chair WWE style with the way ABC previewed “the fall”
• I bet those 2 girls were like “Damn, the last 2 kids who had their wishes granted were adopted by Angelina and Brad”
• The Eli Young band?  Who the hell is that?
• Hey Sean, those girls said they are bachelor fans.  Maybe you should dance with one of them instead of Ashlee for at least one song?
• Wait, did Eli Young follow them on their date?

Rose Ceremony

• Sarah’s like “crap, now I have to pretend that I actually like this dog”
• Just an FYI Sarah, contrary to what you said, Sean did not coordinate you seeing your dog, the producers did.  Sean was too busy kissing Leslie for over 3 minutes
• With all the girls stealing Sean back and forth, I would just say ”you know what, you guys talk to each other and I am going to hang out with the dog”

Bachelor 2013: Week 2: "Who The Hell is Amanda? Who the Hell is Selma"

The Opening:

• “I see every quality I would look for in a wife with these girls.”  Seriously Sean? We haven’t even gotten to the 2^nd episode yet.

• Chris Harrison: "I really see this working out for Sean" Yeah Chris, just like it worked out for that Fake Prince…or that guy who owned a vinyard, or the guy who couldn’t pick any girl at the end…or…

• How soon before the other girls in the house start saying Sara cut off her arm on purpose for an advantage with Sean?

• Is this the stage of the show when the girls still pretend to like each other?

1:1 Date with Sarah

• Saying omg a helicopter on the Bachelor is like saying omg Mickey Mouse when entering Disney World

• "A fairy tale?” “The way I imagined it." Wow Sarah, it's a reality show with 20 other women. You really need to imagine better or read different fairy tales.

• "Let's find out these girls biggest fears...and let's do that" - Bachelor producers

• Seriously, if I was up on that building getting ready to free fall it would be like “beep, beep, beep, beep” (those represent TV censor bleeps, not the roadrunner)

• "She amazed me".  Dude, she jumped off a building...in a safety harness...nothing more, nothing less

• Sarah's dad says "You need to find a guy whose strong enough to get you through times like this"...uh sorry, my advice to my daughter would be a little different. Like, YOU are strong enough to get through this!

• I really wish a girl would say "You know what, this guy’s an ass" after the first date

• Soo not a good kiss. I bet he wishes he could take back the rose

• "I feel like I am falling in love with Shawn"...and there it is

Group Date

• So, the model wins the modeling challenge? What is her background, the Palmolive hands model?

• "I think he sees I'm bubbly.." No, Tierra, he sees…uh….those

• "I've seen another side of Leslie"...yeah, it's called her buttocks

• "I'm not here to get hurt" - some girl who is going to get hurt

• "Why are you here?"…"For love". Why even ask or answer that question? Like what else would they say?

• "I want that Rose". Yep, sounds genuine to me

• If anyone should kiss him its Kacie B. that's how you get out of the friend zone!

• Some girl: "I hope Sean sees through Tierra" - Yeah, because history has shown that the bachelors really see through that crap.  My guess is next week you confront Sean about another girl and then wonder why he gets upset.

• "No, stay" - what Sean did not say to the frizzy girl who bailed

Desiree 1:1 Date

• "This is Laura, she'll play the Art director" No Sean, you can’t give her a rose.

• Good thing for ABC that the candid camera thing didn't turn dark where Desiree stabbed the artist then tried to bury the body in order to get that Rose

• When he says "I didn't expect to be so comfortable with you" that's your queue to kiss him before that crosses into uncomfortable

• Sean "You've already seen every side of me". Seriously? you must have "0" sides

Rose ceremony

• Sean "Not having a date this week doesn't mean anything" - well, those dates must have sucked then

• Hey Lindsay, when you say your dad’s a general…all the guy hears is "he has guns"

• Sean: "I've dated everyone". See the maid over there? yep, dated her. The Gardner?...dated her too. Yep, her And her too...and her as well....

• The look of pure panic on these girls faces when someone else gets a rose is priceless

• "Who the hell is Amanda?" - Me

• "Who the hell is Selma." - Me again

• “Who the hell is…what did they say her name was again?” – Me, a 3^rd time

Of course it was going to be Amanda, they didn't even show those other girls on TV

Bachelor 2013: Week 1. I Think I Know Why These Girls Are Single

Bachelor:  Week 1

• “Oh god.  Really?  Oh Come on! Lord Have Mercy.” – Me, every 45 seconds, while watching this episode.
• Seriously, after watching season after season of the bachelor I think am I the only guy who works out with a shirt on
• “Getting over Emily took a while”.  Uh Shawn, when you say while, do you mean longer than the 30 day shoot of the previous season of the bachelorette?
• The next time I hear the word Journey, it better be mentioned as part of a 1980’s re-union concern with Steve Perry
• “I am only going to get engaged once”.  I think you mean, only get engaged on TV once…although at this rate, that probably doesn’t hold true anymore either
• I bet that dude Ari is thinking…crap, I wish I was the bachelor
• Ari, hate to tell you, but your 15 minutes of fame was over last season…well, I guess this makes it 20 minutes…well, until  the bachelor pad…crap
• “I see myself spending the rest of my life with one person”.  Gee thanks for that generic pearl of wisdom Sean.

Let’s meet some of the girls

• Girl with one arm says “I believe this show brings people together who are compatible” – Really? You mean based on all the previous successes like…um…like…yeah that Trista girl…and…um…
• “I don’t like the nerds or the politicians”.  Sorry chick-a-dee from D.C., after seeing your introduction, I think it’s the nerds and politicians who don’t like you.

Out of the car and…

• Hey poker dealer, you might as well walk right on back into that car
• I bet that girl sang to Sean to audition for the next reality show
• Girl “Have you read any good books lately?” Sean…”Yeah I read this book on the impacts of socio-economic status on…” Girl “Yeah, whatever, I read 50 Shades of Grey”
• Is Sean’s “I’ll talk to you inside” basically the bachelor version of “I’ll call you…no, I don’t need to write down your number, I’ll remember”
• “I was on bachelor pad 3”…not exactly the statement I would have led with
• Sean gives Tierra a rose and says “I hope that doesn’t cause any tension among the girls”.  Have you ever even seen this show Sean?
• You know, there is a balance between an awkward “pause” and an awkward “this sucks”
• Kristy is a model?  You mean a hand model?
• Yeah, show up in a wedding dress. That’s exactly what a guy wants on a first date.  I’m surprised you didn’t bring you mother to really seal the deal.
• Girl:  “If you break my heart, my dad will break your legs”.  Um, yeah ok, you might want to go stand next to the girl who came in a wedding dress.

And, here we go

• I am so glad this show dispels the stereotype of catty superficial women
• “I would love for my wife to be in this room” – Sorry Sean, that is only going to happen if the make-up artist’s name Susan “Wife” McGuillcutty
• Oh hell, I would bring my own rose or just find one of the dumb girls and say “Hey look over there…” Swiper no swiping
• Do these girls actually have jobs? I mean they can’t even seem to process that the guy is giving out more than 1 rose.  Not that hard to follow ladies…
• “I got a few more girls to talk to” = No rose for you
• It’s more like Ashley and her 50 Shades of “What The Hell”
• I think I know why some of these girls are single
• Blonde girl basically says “Of course he noticed me, I mean have you seen me?”
• “I don’t fight over a guy” – um, maybe you should have thought of that before you went on the bachelor
• Blonde Singer “I guess I should focus on making myself happy rather than opening up to guys”.  Open up?  You had all of 45 seconds with this guy…how much could you really have opened up.

Well, I told myself I wouldn’t watch this season, but looks like I am hooked