Advice To My Daughter

• There is nothing you can’t do
• Have confidence
• Dream big
• Never try to make someone like you. They will or they won’t
• Don’t hide your intelligence
• Respect yourself or no one else will
• Be nice
• Kiss a lot of toads to find your prince (only kiss!)
• Don’t second guess yourself
• You’re body, you’re decision
• Don't judge
• Re-define what it means to "throw like a girl"
• You never have to prove anything to anyone
• Like yourself
• Talk to me
• He is the lucky one
• Learn how to change a tire
• Just because I will never think anyone is good enough for you, doesn’t mean you should also think that
• Let him down easy
• Look out for your brothers
• Go easy on your mother
• Break stereotypes
• Be happy
• Be yourself
• Have no regrets

And remember, no matter what, you will always, ALWAYS, be my little girl

Advice To My Boys

• Give more than you take
• Kindness is not weakness
• Trust few, but trust completely
• The right thing and the easy thing are seldom the same thing
• Choose role models carefully
• Dance
• Don’t hold grudges
• Look people in the eyes
• Be nice, even if other’s are not
• Give credit, take accountability
• Don’t be afraid to make mistakes
• When all else fails, trust your gut
• Love your mother
• Protect your sister
• Be there for each other
• Question authority, just do it respectfully
• Extend olive branches
• Do what YOU want to do, not what others want you to do
• Don’t be a bully
• Stick up for yourself
• Try new things
• See other’s perspectives
• Don’t settle
• Call home
• Have faith

“I may not love you for the rest of your life, but I will love you for the rest of mine.”

This One Time... How Movie's Have Impacted My Life

Thanks to movies…

1.  Not only can animals talk, but they are probably making fun of me right now.  Yeah, screw you right back squirrel! (Dr. Doolittle / Zookeeper / Every Animated Movie ever)

2.  When I drive through a tunnel and get to the center, I always look for doors and a way to get higher than the water that will inevitably come gushing through when the tunnel collapses (Daylight)

3.  I think that all prostitutes have a heart of gold (Pretty Woman / Milk Money)

4.  I am always on the lookout for wooded areas where I can take drive away as soon as the Russians parachute in (we know they will). I also start inventorying the things that I will need to “borrow” from the local gas station to get me through the winter. (Red Dawn)

5.  When I see above ground electric poles on an open field, I stop and wait for the monsters that will come and eat them away like a deranged Pac-man (Langoliers)

6.  Every time I hear the song…

a.  Cruel Summer by Bananarama – I think of Ralph Machio playing soccer (Karate Kid)

b.  Poker Face by Lady Gaga – I think of a dancing half goat half boy in a casino (Percy Jackson)

c.  I’m Alright by Kenny Loggins – I think of a dancing gopher (Caddyshack)

7.  If I go 1 on 1 with someone in any contest, I use a fake Russian accent and say…. “I must break you”.  Of course, I guess that is better than going to the hospital and looking in on people and saying “If he dies…he dies” in the same accent. (Rocky IV)

8.  Any pitch that is remotely out of the strike zone is met with a resounding “Just a bit outside” in my best Bob Uecker imitation (Major League)

9.  Whenever I am on a boat, in any weather, I yell…”Iceberg…right ahead!” (Titanic)

10. I grew up thinking the fastest way to a girls heart was to raise my boom box above my head and play “In your eyes” (Say Anything)

11. Anytime I reference a large amount of money, I automatically say 1 billion dollars and put my pinky in my mouth.  (Austin Powers)

12. I tried to befriend my old eccentric neighbor thinking he may have a time machine made out of a Delorean in his garage.  Nope, he was just weird.  (Back to the Future)

13. I wonder why the president just doesn’t come out and say that he knows about Area 51 and the upcoming alien invasion (or asteroid heading towards Earth) but that it is OK because Will Smith (or Bruce Willis) is on the case (Independence Day / Armageddon)

14. I think every archeologist carries a bullwhip (Raiders of the Lost Arc)

15. Anytime I have a cold I just assume it is some sort of Zombie Virus (Dawn of the Dead / 28 Days Later)

16.Every time I hear “This one time…” I follow up with…Yeah you know the rest

Pop Culture's Impact on Our Kids: Past & Present

For some reason I was sitting here thinking, has pop culture changed because kids and society have changed…or have kids and society changed because pop culture has changed.  Let’s take a look at how certain aspects of pop culture are different now as compared to when I grew up…and you can be the judge.

Teen dilemma in a TV Show

·         Then: “Mom always said, don’t play ball in the house” – Brady Bunch

·         Now: Freshman Amy, juggles being a young parent while entering High School as a Freshman  – The Secret Life of The American Teenage

Message in Rap Lyrics

·         Then: “Superman looked up at me and said I rocked so naturally” – Newcleus

·     Now: “@!#$ the FBI and @!#$ all the Army Troops..." - Soulja Boy

Video Game Villain

·         Then: Donkey Kong

·         Now: Nazis

Celebrity trying to be a singer

·         Then: Eddie Murphy “Party All The Time”

·         Now: Paris Hilton or maybe Kim Kardashian – Oh wait, I said celebrity

Risque’ Poster

·         Then: Farrah Faucet in full one piece bathing suit sitting down

·         Now: Megan Fox dressed in, well nothing but her Megan Foxiness

Time for the news

·         Then: 5 o'clock news stations reporting…well, actual news

·         Now: 24/7 opinion stations that report, I am not exactly sure – but they are loud when they do it

Reality Television

·         Then: The same 5 o’clock news channel

·         Now: “Who’s my Daddy?” A show where an adoptive woman tries to guess who her daddy is as 20 men pretend to care about her and convince her that they are her dad to win $100K

Movie Sequel

·         Then: The Empire Strikes Back

·         Now: That one with the sparkly vampire

Young girls “rebellious” clothing

·         Then: The Jennifer Beals' Flash Dance off the shoulder sweatshirt and leg warmers

·         Now: Short skirts with thongs (short skirts optional)

Four letter greeting

·         Then: “Word”

·         Now: “YOLO”

College Coach’s Bad Decision

·         Then: Indiana coach Bobby Knight throws a chair on the basketball court

·         Now: Penn State coaches throw away their humanity

The Bachelorette Finale: Thoughts From A Reluctant Viewer

But I don’t want to watch the Bachelor Finale. OK Fine.  Wait, what, 3 Hours?  Crap, lets open up some wine.

OK, so yes, I have been coerced into watching the finale and I haven’t watched a single episode of the Bachelorette this season.  But let me take some guesses as to what happens:

• Emily doesn’t know who to choose, say’s she loves two guys and she breaks down once every 13.3 minutes of airtime 
• Chris Harrison will say, “Coming up on the most shocking bachelorette finale ever” 
• Someone will say they “have fallen for” someone else and didn’t believe it could happen but it did 
• Someone’s dignity will go poof (with odds are that this will include every person who gets camera time) 
• I will say “Oh God. So Lame. This is Stupid” each about 57 times during the 3 hour show 

Well, let’s see what happens, onto the show: 

• “This is the most anticipated television event of the summer”. Well Chris Harrison, maybe you didn’t realize that NBC was going to air a “What’s Happening Re-union” hosted by Dee, the obnoxious sister

Bachelor #1 Meets The Parents:

• Holy crap, did Emily’s Mom eat a Turtle or is that an Adam’s Apple
• Was bachelor #1 part of Flock of Seagulls? What’s with the hair?
• Maybe he is Parker Lewis from Parker Lewis Can’t lose (bonus points for ANYONE who gets that reference)
• Oh he has a trust fund? Now I get it.
• Seagulls is asking Emily’s dad for his blessing if he proposes: “I’m an old fashioned guy so I….” Wait stop right there.  I don’t recall Cary Grant going into a hot-tub with 20 other guys on a reality show before sweeping Ginger Rogers off her feet
• Oh his name is Jeff? Yeah, we will continue to go with “Seagulls”…

Bachelor #2 Is Up

• As a present, #2 (Ari) gives away all the roses he got on the show to the parents.  Mom says “Wow to give something away that is so precious to him”.  Look Mom, if he doesn’t “win”, those roses are really not going to be that special to him…unless he could sell them on Ebay.
• Asks dad for permission to marry his daughter.  Dad, apparently giving out permissions like a pamphlet on the corner of a NYC street sale, grants said permission to 2^nd guy in about 4 hours

The Parents & Emily debrief

• Emily to her parents “So, what did you think?”  For once, I would like a father to say “You know what I think.  I think they both suck and you are an idiot for going on this show not once, but twice and thinking that you can find a lasting relationship.  But love ya honey”
• Emily “I’m not 100 percent sure I should get engaged at the end of this”.  Really? What tipped you off? That you’re a single mom and you don’t want your kid to meet any of the guys?  That you spent a cumulative of 4 hours all season with each person on dates you can never afford? That the one guy still looks like he is from the Flock of Seagulls?

The Last Dates

• It may be my age, but every time I hear Emily refer to her daughter as “Little Ricky” I can only think of I Love Lucy and little Ricky Ricardo
•  “I wasn’t planning on introducing my daughter to anyone this time”…Yet, surprise, surprise, here she is.  I mean god Emily, it’s not like you’re talking about a tattoo of New Kids on the Block  you got when you were drunk in college.  And, how can you plan on getting engaged at the end of the show but not want to introduce your daughter to the final 2 guys?  Now I know why I didn’t watch this season.
• Meeting Little Ricky
• Emily “If Ricky doesn’t like him it will change my relationship with him”.  If I were that kid, I would pull the guy aside and say “Look dude, an XBOX 360 gets you a hug & if you throw in a flat screen I will call you daddy and give you a kiss”
• You know ABC is counting down the days until this little Ricky chick is old enough to do her own reality dating show.
• Yep, spending 1 hour with the kid swimming in the pool is “just like being a dad”.  Nooooo, you’re not naïve or anything Seagulls, it’s all we dad’s do day in and day out.

The Decision

• Yeah, it is just as bad as Lebron’s…well maybe not that bad.  Sorry Lebron.
• Emily schedules a special meeting with Chris Harrison “Yeah, I don’t know what to do and who I should pick”.  Yeah, the guy who also hosts “Mall Masters” on the Game Show Network should have all the answers.
• So Ari makes a love potion for Emily.  Not sure if you know this Ari, but you have to slaughter a live chicken first.  Maybe next time.
• Jeff went to go see Vera Wang to pick out the ring.  “Hold on, what is that honey? “.  I stand corrected; Evidently, Jeff went to see Neil Lang to pick out the ring.
• My wife’s advice – “Just pick the biggest ring – It's not like you’re not paying for it”
• Emily “I don’t know if I want to get engaged.  I don’t want to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times. “Um how about you stop going on this stupid show then?
• Wow, that kiss between Jeff & Emily means that either he really doesn’t like girls or Emily reminds him of his sister.

The Aftermath

• So I guess Ashley & J.P. replace Ali & whoever as the example of how successful the show is at forming lasting relationships since everyone else has broken up.
• I’m sorry, did I miss it?  Where was the shocking part of this finale? Then again, the only way for the hype to have been met would have been for Loki to come swopping in, destroy the set and for Katniss Everdeen to shoot him between the eyes (Yes, I mixed in a couple of things there, but they did say most shocking finale ever!)
• Bachelor Pad premiers tomorrow.  Break out the Purell!

Things I didn't know I signed up for when I become a parent

1. I would never have privacy in the bathroom... Ever again
2. Negotiating business deals is nothing compared to negotiating which cartoon my 3 toddlers will watch
3. There actually is a place called "At Wits End" and I'd visit there…A LOT. (It's close to "Up To Here")

4. I would have to watch every single thing my toddler does and respond like they just mapped a genome.
     o Kid: “Daddy, watch this”
     o Kid: “Daddy you’re not watching”
     o Kid: “OK Daddy, now watch me”
     o *kid flaps arms*
     o Me:”Awesome!”
5. I would have to be an encyclopedia of knowledge and explain everything ever created in world. “Daddy, what’s this? Daddy, what’s that? Daddy, what’s this?...”
6. An appropriate dinner can be gummy bears, a banana, a frozen waffle and an ice pop
7. Burying my head in a pile of pillows can be an acceptable form of dealing with my kids arguments
8. Three of my most dreaded words would be “Some assembly required”
9. I would need to navigate my home like it was a mine field ·
10. I would be manipulated so easily.
     o “Daddy, you are so handsome, I love you so much. Can I have an icepop?”
     o “Of course you can sweetie”
11. My choice of words would be forever changed. Case in point. As I am stepping out of a meeting at work I announce to everyone “Excuse me, I have to go potty”
12. I'd get my own personal “play by play” announcers. “Daddy’s brushing his teeth. Daddy is sleeping. Daddy is getting dressed.”
13. I'd become a doctor and that kissing a “boo-boo” actually does make it better
14. I'd wake up some days and immediately start counting hours to my kids bedtime
15. I’d find out that there is a sound worse than fingernails on chalkboard and it’s called whining
16. That I would need to protect myself like MMA fighter when playing with my kids.
17. I would be able to read the future: For example, here is a recent conversation with my son:
     o Me: “No”
     o Me: “I said no”
     o Me: “Buddy don't do it”
     o Me: “Look, we know how this'll turn out. You'll do it, I'll get mad, & you'll cry, so can we just skip it?"
     o *Son does it*
     o *Daddy gets mad*
     o *Son cries*
18. Not only would I watch cartoons, I would call out inconsistencies in them.
     o “Shouldn’t the Octonauts go through a depressurization chamber before going into the station?”
     o “Wait a second, how come the cow talks but the pig doesn’t?”
19. I would know what it is like to be bi-polar.
     o Me: “awww, I love these kids more than life itself”
     o *2 minutes pass*
     o Me: “STOP IT! GET OVER HERE! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE. I SAID GET OVER HERE!!”
     o Awww I love them

I Sound Like My Parents

Remember all those things your parents said to you that you swore you would never say? Yeah....how's that working out for ya?

Here are things I have caught myself saying to my kids:

1.  No we are not there yet and we will never be there if you don’t stop asking!

2.  Do you want me to pull this car over and go back home?

3.  Don’t make me count to 5.  OK now you’ve done it.  One….two….you better hope I do not get to 5…three….I’m serious…fffffoooooouuuuurrrrr…..OK now you’re in trouble….5!!!

4.  You will eat it and you will like it

5.  I am going to call Santa Claus and tell him you have been bad and to skip our house

6.  Close the door, what do you think I do, heat (or cool) the world?

7.  We are not made of money

8.  If you can’t take care of your toys, I am going to give them to someone who will!

9.  Eat your dinner, there are starving people who would love to have that food

10.For the love of god, will you be quiet for just 5 minutes!!

11.You better stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!

12.When I was your age I didn’t have the things you do

13.Do you ever listen?

14.The only I time I use my kids middle names is when they are in trouble

15.Don’t use that tone of voice with me young man

16.I don’t care who’s fault it was, now you’re all in trouble

17.Why? Because I said so

18.Maybe Later

19.I’m not asleep, I am just resting my eyes

20.If your brother jumped off a bridge, would you too?

21.Just wait till you have kids (mind you, my kids are toddlers)