Dear Me. Things I would tell my younger self

Dear Me.  Things I would tell my younger self

1. Listen more, talk less.
2. Make eye contact.
3. Say please and thank you.
4. Tell your parents that you love them more.
5. Don’t worry about what anyone else has.  Your things do not define who you are.
6. Try and let your mom eat a hot meal.  You don’t need seconds before she has had firsts.
7. Go find someone that no one else is talking to and say hello.
8. Don’t worry that you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up.  You still don’t know – and you’re doing OK.
9. I know that you feel that (Insert girl’s name here) broke your heart , but not only are there other fish in the sea, you will really enjoy fishing….for a while anyway.
10. You know that kid that’s been bullying you on the school bus?  Don’t worry, I’m at the Exxon now and he just pumped your gas.
11. You might want to hold on to those ripped jeans, one day you will actually pay top dollar for those “rips”.
12. …Those parachute pants on the other hand…not so much
13. Try not to be so insecure, you’re not as bad as you think you are…
14. …but keep in mind, as you grow up, you’re also not as good as you think you are either – be humble.
15. It’s not enough to not be a sore loser, don’t be a bad winner
16. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do something. 
17. It’s OK to cry…
18. … but not over not getting that toy you wanted.
19. And while you’re at it, try not to throw yourself prone on the floor of the department store if you don’t get your way.
20. You know those toys that make all that noise, don't use them until after 10am.
21. Your parents actually do know better…for a little while longer anyway.
22. No, you will not use algebra later in life
23. … however you will use “how you learned” algebra in almost everything you do
24. Even if your parents say they’re busy, keep asking them to play with you.  Believe me, they will be thankful.
25. But instead of saying “mommy” 17 times in a row, try saying “excuse me” and waiting for her to answer you
26. Give more, take less
27. Believe in Miracles

Bachelor Finale: Or how Ashley is the real winner!

In the biggest “no duh” move since I picked the Harlem Globetrotters to beat that team they play all the time, Ben finally picked Courtney

Things that would have made this the most shocking bachelor finale ever…

1. Ben giving the final roles to one of the sheep sitting outside the cottage he’s staying at in Switzerland
2. Ben gets eaten by a Zombie
3. The couple is actually in love and stays together
4. In an amazing cross network cross-over, Ben get’s thrown into the octagon for an ultimate fighting championship match.  His opponent is his hair

• What do ex-bachelorette’s get for Valentine’s Day?  I gotta think roses are pretty passé by now
• Chris Harrison says “Will Ben make the right choice” – Too late, he already agreed to be on the show
• You know who is the happiest that this season is over?  The ABC hairstylists
• Is the slow motion montage supposed to make me like these people more?
• What the heck is Ben crying about when he sees his mom and sister? It’s not like he was just released from a Turkish prison
• What do the girls love about you? “Well sis, I gave them a rose”
• Ben:  “My concern with Lindzi is do I need more time with her?”  What, you mean the 2 weeks of splitting between Lindzi and 20 other women wasn’t enough for you to propose.
• Model?  Are we sure Courtney is not an actress because she pulled the wool over Ben’s family’s eyes?
• Stuck on the Gondola, Lindzi knows it is the place and time to open up to Ben because the producer is standing behind him with cue cards.
• Lindzi “I am 200% vulnerable”.  Well Lindzi, first of all, that is mathematically impossible
• When a girl says “I love you” and a guy says “Awww Thank You”, it’s pretty much over
• Apparently ABC is in a contract where there must be a helicopter ride during which Ben and “fill in the blank” simultaneously say OMG (thanks Amy!)
• At this point, the producers are creating these scrapbooks for all the girls just in case they are picked in the end
• The Jeweler stops by. “No thanks Nathan Lane (or whatever the Jeweler’s name is), I still have the one from the last show”.
• Ben: “I can’t imagine life getting any better!”.   Yeah Ben, it’s not going to
• Courtney: “When Ben and I get engaged, I know it will last forever”. Um, yeah…or at least until Bachelor Pad 4 casting begins
• Ben to Lindzi in another example of him being a total idiot.  “I’ve fallen in love with you, but I am in love with someone else. I love someone else.  Sorry”
• Upon not getting the final rose, Lindzi gives us two more proof points as to why these women will never find love
• “I’m mad at myself for not giving you what you needed”
• “If things don’t work out, call me”
• Ben, you know you are really going to have to break the bank on your next proposal.  “You are really my forever, no really…seriously…stop laughing”
• Courtney: “This is supposed to be a story about love..”.  Oh sweetie, that is so cute, but no

Bachelor: The Women Tell All (Or the women get an extra 5 minutes of fame)

At this point, in order for next weeks episode to be "the most controversial finale of the bachelor ever", Ben would have to kill someone!

• Speaking of extending fame an extra couple of minutes, is this "where are they now thing" supposed to bring back fond memories of bachelors past?  It's more like that bad sushi I ate last night that is coming back to haunt me.
•  So, bachelor pad 3 is coming out.  This brings up a couple of key questions:
• Does the show come with Purell?
• How about antibiotics
• Do these people have jobs?
• Or lives?
• I think putting "occupation" subtitles on the screen for these people is walking that fine line of truth on television
• So, the women tell all episode?  I'm glad this show dispels the rumors that women are catty
• Girls, you all learned this in second grade.  Raise your hand if you wish to speak.
• I don't understand this hatred for Shawntel.  Move on because you were on Brads season? She's Brads dumpster trash? Well then by your logic not only is Ben Ashely's dumpster trash but all of you ladies are Ben's dumpster trash. Don't throw stones.
• One of the girls says about  Shawntel : "There's a right way and a wrong way to address the girls when you walk into the room".  No little one, there is no right way to ever BE seen on this show.
• Who the he'll is Samantha? Is she loud because no one remembers her from the show?  
• Chris Harrison finishes these girls sentences for them.  Fact is, he finishes them the same way every season regardless of which girl it is.  So you fell in love with him...it was hard...you're ok now...I bet there are guys in (insert girls city) who are happy your single
•  All the girls said they were blindsided when they didn't get the rose.  Well of course, they all said they loved him, he makes out with them and it's only later he says "sorry, didn't see it going anywhere"
• Sorry whatever your name is, you were NOT in love.
• Every time Courtney talks an angel loses his wings
• * Gotta give a Jeff a shout out for triggering this thought
• Look, I don't like Courtney at all, and I get that the girls don't like her because of how she talked about them...BUT weren't these the same girls that made fun of  Shawntel's hips about 15 minutes ago?
•  I half expected Courtney to look at the camera as she walked behind the curtain, shoot her finger guns and say "phew, phew winning"
• Jen says "I mean how could you take Blakely home to your mom (looks at Blakely) No offense."  Umm, No offense? of course not, why would that be offensive?
• Oh Jenna, you crazy insane blogger...how I missed you

Bachelor Breakdown Week 9: The "Just in Case Kacie B had any dignity left" edition

 “All the stuff I had to go through to get to this point is worth it”  What exactly did you go through Ben other than 20 women who threw themselves at you?

Date with Nikki

• Does Ben go on a picnic everywhere? It’s like he (or the producers) run out of ideas so just like Wile E. Coyote always goes to the old Acme Exploding Carton trick, they go to the old picnic basket.  By the way, the only way his dates would actually be interesting would be if that picnic basket exploded like Wile E’s Acme stuff.
• Ben, I don’t think it’s that cold where you need to wear that full snow suit.  Seriously, you look like Ralphy's brother from a Christmas Story.
• Nikki and Ben are at the top of the mountain with a bunch of stacked rocks.  I bet that was someone’s grave they just roasted marshmallows on.
• Nikki “I've thought about our future and our love a-lot”.  A lot Nikki? You mean in the past 20 days that this TV show was shot? That a lot?
• Ben:  “I hope she says yes to the overnight” – uh yeah Ben, she’s already said she loved you, my money is she stays the night.
• Why do they always act surprised when they get the fantasy suite card?  And really, fantasy suite? We all know what that means.  The card might as well just be a drawing of two stick figures going at it.
• Ben said he was happy that Nikki was putting herself out there.  I think he just meant putting out.

Date with Lindzi

• Jumping out of a helicopter wasn’t enough to throw at the girl who is scared of heights?  What is this fear factor? Why don’t you just dump a bucket of poisonous spiders on her while you’re at it?
• OK Ben, don’t over-react.  My 4 year old kid rappelled down a bigger rock wall at the local my-gym
• “Normally I don’t spend the night with anyone…” what they edited out was the rest of the sentence…”but now that there are camera's around, I t makes me feel so Paris Hilton like”

Date with Courtney

• “I like how Courtney is extremely unique and a little bit Nerdy”.  I think what you meant to say Ben is you like how Courtney gets naked and swims with me
• Ben: “Courtney, have you ever played “hey cow”.   Courtney: “No Ben, I had a life”.
• Another picnic and this time right in the middle of cow manure.  Awesome Ben…just awesome.
• I bet the producers are whispering in Ben’s ear – “keep the crazy one Ben”
• Really Ben, the fantasy suite shouldn’t be a big deal, you’ve already seen Courtney naked

Emily the new Bachelorette

• Ali and Ashley are here to give Emily Advice.  Yeah, Ali just broke up with Roberto and Ashley fell for Bentley.
• Emily says my life is finally back to normal with little Ricky.  The kid’s dad dies, her mom goes away to be on Brad Womack’s version of the bachelor and now she is the bachelorette.  Yeah this is exactly what that kid needs for normalcy.
• Ashley is talking about the movie Titanic and saying that Jack & Rose are the epitome of a perfect relationship.  Spoiler alert Ashley, Jack dies.

Kacie B makes a re-appearance.

•  And with that, Kacie’s last shred of dignity goes poof.  

Thumbs down to Ben! Don't worry Nikki, you are way better off not being with this guy!

How to Fix the Oscars

Hey Academy.  Do you want to connect more with the regular people and the home viewing audience?  Here’s a few tips:

• Instead of voting by the Academy members for best “whatever”, they should take the finalists and put them in an arena to fight it out.  It could be called the “GladiOscars”.  The winners would get the gold statue and the losers would have to star in Police Academy  8.
• They should have better categories.  Instead of a category for “The best international documentary on a 6 legged insect” it could instead be “The person who best dealt with the out of control ego’s of Hollywood stars”.  This years nominees…
• The lighting guy who had to deal with the wrath of Batman, I mean Christian Bale
• The girl who has to sort out all the green M&M’s for J-Lo
• They should ban the words “Who” and “Wearing” leaving red carpet interviewers with nothing to ask the stars.
• If the only people who actually watched the movie were the stars, their immediate family and the people who were forced to watch it to get the free soup at the local shelter, then that movie should not be allowed as a nominee.
• I suggest trying to find more authentic and "real" nominee's instead of "fake" and self absorbed Hollywood actors.  May I suggest the robot from "Real Steel" for one.
• When doing thank you speeches, go in the back, find the normal looking person who is performing carpentry on the set, and if he does not know who you are thanking, eliminate them from your speech.
• When picking a host.  Find the person who would make the majority of those in attendance the most uncomfortable – and pick them.  I hear Ricky Gervais is available.
• They can only nominate movies from the 80's and 90's.  These are the only ones that ever make the clips that are played during the segue anyway.  Every year we hear "We're going to need a bigger boat (Jaws).  I don't anticipate we will hear "Bella, I can't live without you (insert pained expression here)" 10 years from now.
• Actors should come as the character they played in the movie.  So long Johnny Depp and hello Captain Jack Sparrow.  So long boring guy from the Artist and hello...um, boring guy from the Artist - OK scratch that.

Bachelor Week 8: The Hometown Dates

The Hometown Dates: Also known as putting unrealistic expectations on your parents to pretend to approve of your horrible choice to go on this show.

Lindzi:

• Ben is the 2^nd guy Lindzi has brought home?  Wow Lindzi your selection process has a lot to be desired
• Lindzi looks good – I wonder if that is because the only other girl I am comparing her to is Chester the horse?
• “Every time I put my heart out there it ended in heartache”. Every time?  Really, I am sorry your relationship as a sophomore in high school didn’t work out.
• He seems surprised that  Lindzi was going to marry her last boyfriend and wonders if she is ready.  Uh Ben, look in the mirror at your own recent history…or better yet, log on to www.ABC.com or do a quick YouTube search on Ashley the crazy bachelorette no one liked.
• Lindzi 's Dad said it’s a tradition to do Chariot races.  If I were the dad, I would have added – it’s a tradition to also joust to the death with real spears
• How come the girls always say – “I didn’t expect coming in to this that I would find love”?  Um, first, you didn’t. Second, what did you expect?

Kacie B:

• Evidently, the school named field after her grandfather.  Hate to tell you Kacie, 5 years and 10 grand later that field will be renamed to “Snapple” stadium.
• Ben brings a bottle of wine and opens it on high school field – isn’t that some sort of violation?
• Why does Ben expect the girl to move to where he lives?  This is why these things don’t work out.  The girl will say ANYTHING to get picked, then in the real world she is like “move? You want me to move? No way wine boy!”
• “This is a chance for my dad to see I found somebody”.  Seriously? Do these girls even listen to themselves?
• Kacie and Ben are surprised that her dad is skeptical of “the bachelor”. My lord, just pick up an US Weekly or In Touch magazine and you will wonder no more.
• “I’m not sure Kacie’s dad like me”.  Well Ben, you told him you had feelings for other girls in addition to his daughter.  You’re lucky he didn’t shoot you and mount your head in their den.
• Kacie is frustrated her dad doesn’t trust her judgment? Well, you probably quit your job, went on a dating reality show and now say you’re in love and would accept a marriage proposal without ever dating Ben in real life.  Mmm, I wonder why he doesn’t trust your judgment.

Nicki

• Who the hell is Nicki? 
• No seriously, who is she? Was she on the show all along?

Courtney

• “My mom is like me, she doesn’t trust men”.  It’s no wonder that your dad is outside all the time with a bottle of wine!
• Courtney, maybe you shouldn’t molest Ben in front of your parents.
• Knowing how hot and cold Courtney runs, I am surprised they didn’t walk out of their fake marriage and go down the street and get it fake annulled

 The verdict

Kaci gets voted off and says “Ben, I don’t want you to be broken hearted”.  Yeaaaah. I’d be more like, "um, I sort of want you to pick the crazy model girl and get crushed yourself Benny Boy.

Bachelor Week 7: Bachelor Thunderdome: 6 Girls Enter, 4 Girls Leave

This show is starting to remind me of the movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.  For those who have seen the movie, the title of this post should make sense (and it is the only Tina Turner line in any movie I will ever remember).  But the connection is not really that hard to make.  Mad Max and Crazy Courtney.  Now there is a reality show I would watch; Mel Gibson vs. Courtney the model to see who is the craziest SOB on the planet.  See, it fits!  Now onto the week in review:

·         I’ve seen enough of these shows to know, if the girls do not say “I'm falling in love with you” they’re screwed.  It goes something like this... “I know it’s only been 4 weeks and we’ve only been on group dates and you’ve been hooking up with 20 other women, but seriously Ben, I am falling in Love with you.”

·         Chris Harrison says “I just talked to Ben and he feels his wife is in this room”.  Ben, you’ve seen the show.  You have more of a chance marrying Chris Harrison than you do one of the contestants.

·         Harrison then goes on to say “He believe’s he will get down on 1 knee and propose”.  Well, we all watched Ashley’s season.  Getting Ben down on 1 knee and proposing is not really a big accomplishment.  Been proposing on a reality show?  Been there, done that.

·         The show is almost over and I still don’t know these girls names.  There is “The Horse girl”, “Bitchy Model”, “Girl who complained about Bitchy Model” and 3 others.

·         One of the girls compared Ben to a delicious piece of cheesecake...I think a more appropriate desert would be a blob of rice pudding

·         Ben and girl are walking down an isolated walkway and see a romantic table for 2 set up.  Girl says “is that for us"? Um, No, this town just treats the homeless really well.

·        Holy awkward small talk during that dinner.  It’s like they try to combine getting to know you with baring your soul and are met with disastrous results.

o    Ben: "I like cabbage"

o    Girl: "I'm falling in love with you".

o    Ben: "Do you like cabbage too?"

·       When Ben barged into the basketball game, I wanted the dudess to dunk on him and then say no blood no foul.  That would have been a classic moment in reality TV and made a star out of the “extra”

·        Ben says “Emily is so smart”.  Mmmm, no, not really, it's that you are so  dumb

·         Ben is talking about how he and some girl are walking through the jungle and randomly come across some old temple.  Randomly? Who do you think you are?  Indiana Jones?  In my history lessons, I don’t recall the Mayans having High-Definition video cameras situated around their statues taking home videos of the goddess Isis

·         Since when does getting out of your comfort zone and overcoming your fears become a critical part of a relationship?

·         Courtney got a spark, then lost her spark, then got it back again all in about 3 minutes. Red flag buddy!  If that doesn’t equal high maintenance, then what does?

·         If Courtney was any more shallow, Ben would have to wear swimmies

·         I think Courtney's on a drug, and it's called Charlie Sheen