The Good Old Days

I remember when my parents & grandparents used to tell me about “back when they were a kid” and how so many things have changed.  How my generation had it so easy, dressed so weird, had crazy hairstyles and listened to horrible music.  “What is this “noise” you’re listening to?”  (By the way, I think it was Run DMC & LL Cool J and try not to think about that one time with Samantha Fox).  They talked about the difference in growing up and how they walked uphill to school (both ways). 

Well the other day I was thinking about how kids today and how things were very different back when I was growing up. 

1. When I was little I had an X-Box Kinect, except it was called actually going outside and playing with my friends
2. We wouldn’t email or text anyone.  We would however, write on a piece of paper, pass it across the classroom so a girl could read: “Do you like me?  Yes. No. Maybe.  Check one box”
3. I never had a play date.  Instead I walked to my friends houses, knocked on their door and asked if they could come out and play
4. We used an encyclopedia not Google. Plagiarizing was much, much harder!
5. We answered the phone with Hello because we had no idea who was calling
6. I wasn’t worried about drugs or pregnancy, however I was worried about getting picked last for kickball
7. Yes, at one point I had only 5 channels on TV, yet there was always something to watch
8. I didn’t have an I-Pad, I-Pod, I-Home, PSP, Nintendo DS etc - but I did have an imagination – oh yeah, and my GI-Joe action figures
9. Social Networking was when we actually met people face to face
10. I would call adults Mr. or Mrs.  I didn’t even know they HAD first names
11. Calling your kids on their cell phone? Nope, didn’t exist, but parents screaming out their front door that it was time for dinner – everyone heard that!
12. Girls wore earrings, boys didn’t
13. Taking candy from strangers?  Yay…free candy!
14. Aids didn’t exist until I heard about Magic Johnson
15. I knew what Willis was talking about
16. Receipts from stores were actually short and not a dissertation about such-and-such brand that brought down an acres of rain forest to print
17. Family game night was played with actual board games and not with family members in different rooms linked together through wi-fi
18. Baseball hats were worn facing forward
19. We would talk to strangers and respect adults
20. Roller Skating was considered fun – until the slow song came on and you sweated over finding a girl to skate with, and of course, falling down
21. There was only 1 Captain from Star Trek and his name was Kirk
22. There was no such thing as reality stars
23. The Gooch was the most feared bully on TV. Extra points for anyone who gets that reference
24. O.J. Simpson ran through airports (sans knife and bloody glove) on hertz commercials
25. Michael Jackson was alive and Paul McCartney was dead (well only if you played the Beatles I’m so Tired backwards)
26. Vampires didn’t sparkle
27. The bathroom was "The Fonz's" office?
28. Donald Trump had bad hair – OK maybe things haven’t changed in that regard

My god, I am turning into my parents.  Now excuse me while I walk to work - - uphill…both ways

How far has Tebow mania gone?

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him  around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt special indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I travel.  I travel a lot.  I have flown over a million miles in my lifetime.  I have woke up in hotels and not known where I was because it is my 3^rd location in 3 days.  I have ridden in rental cars from small cars I couldn't fit in to mini-vans I could swim in.  Many of my friends and family (and strangers) think travel is glamorous.  Well think again…

Going Through Security

These people are not your friends, nor do they have a sense of humor.  If they ask you to take off your shoes, please do it.  Do not engage in a discussion around why you shouldn’t have to.  Do not then walk through with your shoes on and act surprised when they pull you into the holding pen – which by the way is just a glass enclosure where you are on display like a goldfish with people staring and poking the glass at you.  You will not win the argument and you will hold up the rest of us.

Now, I am not on a soapbox about security agents.  They have their faults too.  My biggest issue? Its how they use the conveyor belt for their own personal amusement.  You know what I mean.  Your luggage and laptop and shoes and coat are all going through.  You wait on the other end with the other passengers like your awaiting the birth of a baby – staring into the abyss – yep there it is, my laptop is coming out…And it’s a DELL!  It would be fine if it ended there – but no such luck.  Bags pile up – the belt keeps running, things are crashing into each other and travelers frantically try to get on their shoes, get their 3 oz liquids packed, and answer their ringing cell phone.  All the while your thinking, yeah, the TSA agent can stop the belt and this chaos.  Its is most likely this vicious circle of events.  I bet as a kid, the TSA Conveyor belt guy would chase the ice-cream truck yelling STOP ICE CREAM MAN STOP as the driver looked in the mirror and sped up just a little to get that person to run faster.  I choose to just stand there and wait for this game to stop – while eating an ice cream cone!

Delays at Airports

You rush through security, you get to your gate and you see the dreaded 20 minutes delayed for your flight.  Now, frequent travelers know that airport delay times are like dog years, you have to do a conversion to understand the true impact.  20 minutes delay means that the plane hasn’t even left yet from the airport it is coming from, but the airlines do not want to give you enough notification so you can actually go somewhere for the 2 hours it will take (best case) to get here.  Rather the delay time is updated in 20 minute increments with the announcement saying – even though were telling you there is no way the flight can get here, you have to stay in the boarding area. 

That leaves us stranded travelers searching out the three most valuable commodities during airport delays

1.       An outlet.  People will camp out next to an overflowing dumpster just to be able to plug in their phone or laptop

2.       Decent food.  I don’t know why I do it, but I will look at a sandwhich and even though I know that the 7 other times I have had it, it tasted like cardboard…I still go for #8.  WHY do I think this time will be different?

Using Overhead Space

I am not sure if people understand the proper use of overhead space.  This space is for carry-on luggage.  I could go into how people try to fit these oversized bags into this tiny space when the laws of measurements dictate that it won’t happen.  However, I am going in the other direction.  I come on with my properly sized carry-on bag and go to put it in the overhead space by my seat.  What’s there – another bag? Nope. Rather a hat. Or a suit-jacket.  A Hat? Seriously? You couldn’t wear it or put it on your lap on a full flight?  And your suit jacket? The proper protocol is for you to put your jacket on-top of your bag – not lying down taking up a whole spot for a bag.  And when I ask – it becomes like a desert scene – tumbleweeds blowing across the aisle… no one says a word

Sitting on the Plane

You think that this would be the easiest part of the trip.  Get to your seat, sit down and either hold on with white knuckles, or kick back and relax depending on your point of view.  If it were only that easy!  Once I sit down, here are, in no particular order, the things that will ultimately happen:

·         The person getting into the seat behind me will continuously pull down on the back of my seat when getting up or down – causing me to either spill my drink, drop my phone, or get more dizzy than when I rode space mountain in Disney World

·         The person in front of me will recline their seat all the way back, crushing my knees, snapping my laptop shut on my fingers, all while giving me a birds-eye view of their scalp

·         I will be reading a book, in fact I will have the book right up to my face like I am trying to burrow my way into it, and the person next to me will feel that somehow this is body language that screams, lets engage in a conversation

·         I will sit in the Aisle seat and when “window seat person” either comes in or out of the row, they don’t even wait for me to get up and let them in/out, they just squeeze right by me.  Let me tell you, face first, back first, it doesn’t matter – there is no good way to do this.

Getting off the plane

There is this rule of “turns” that we learned when we are 2 or 3 years old.  You know, as in, there is an orderly fashion for things and we all take our appropriate turn. This rule does not go away just because you are on a plane.  So, when it comes time to de-board the plane, that doesn’t mean that last one out is a rotten egg.  It means that we orderly get up according to row, get your bags and leave the plane.  And while I understand catching a connection, there is such a thing as courtesy where you say excuse me, rather than hip-checking me back into my seat like you are from the old Philadelphia Flyers Hockey Team.

Checking Luggage

The best I say about waiting for your checked baggage is equate it to playing a game of Russian Roulette.  You know that someone (bag) will not make it through, you just hope it’s not yours.

So the next time someone tells you about all the trips they have to take, hold off on those jealous feelings, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds!

A Sneak Peak Inside the New NBA Labor Agreement

The NBA owners and players can’t seem to come to an agreement to end the NBA Lockout.  For some reason players feel that a 50/50 split of the revenue is not fair.  Maybe if they actually went to the classes that their athletic scholarship provided, they might understand that 50/50 is the actual definition of fair.

 

Either way, since the terms of the agreement are still up in the air, I would like to submit my ideas of MUST HAVE rules that should be included in any labor deal.  I think that these rules will not only allow for a greater enjoyment of the game, but will dramatically up the IQ quotient of its players, coaches, owners and viewers all at the same time.

• Players should not be allowed to high-five each other after a missed free throw. You missed one of the easiest shots in a game.  Heck, its called a FREE throw.  You're lucky I didn't say you couldn't high five after MADE free throws.
• In any future labor agreement lockouts or strikes, players should not be allowed to:
• Say that the league is taking food off my families tables as Latrell Sprewell who made $15M a year once said.  Now maybe Latrell just didn’t know where to shop so I have created the following list to aide players if a desire to utter these words exist in the future.  For future reference, if you think you cannot feed your family on $15M, you actually can buy the following:
• 3.75 million Big Macs from McDonalds.  Make it 2.1 if you supersize it & add the meal deal
• 7.3 million Tacos from Taco Bell
• 1.9 million buckets of chicken from KFC
• Players may not make any contextual references to how poor they are as Patrick Ewing once did when he said “Yes, we make a lot of money, but in our defense, we spend a lot of money.'' 
• Players may not talk about how they have to "resort" to getting a "real" job in order to make ends meet as Delonte West recently did when he tweeted that he had to apply for a job at the local Home Depot.  This is coming from a guy who made $8.75M in the past 2 years.  Oh yeah, he is also the same guy who has a plea deal for the time he sped through traffic on I-495 with a loaded 9mm tucked to his belt, a loaded .357 holstered on his leg and a loaded shotgun strapped to his back. I guess he is banking on Home Depot not doing any background check.
• Players cannot compare their own plight to the plight of slaves as the NFL’s Adrian Peterson did.  Adrian, I don’t know what version of Alex Haley’s Roots you have seen, but in my version, Kunta Kinte wasn’t pulling down $11M a year.  Yes, these comments were made by an NFL player and not an NBA one, but, let’s be honest with each other, it’s just a matter of time.
• When its about the money, players cannot say it’s not about the money.  Seriously, why don’t players just say – look, I am going to go to whoever pays me the most.  It would be more honest than 98% of what is said during free agency.  Yes there are exceptions, although some of those exceptions are coming from players who STILL make over $100M. 
• Max players should not be allowed to have agents.  Hey, this is helping them help themselves.  Seriously, how hard is it to say – give my client the maximum allowed contract?
• Players can only wear a suit in blue, black or grey.  Look I am open to new and different styles of clothing.  But, honestly, with the advent of 3D & HDTV’s, I just don’t think I can look at Joakim Noah off the court without going blind.  Of course, I am sure there is bound to be a revolt around this rule very similar to the protest of a dress code by Marcus Camby, who made $8M a year, when he said “I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."
• Players shall be no longer able to “talk trash” when they’re losing by more than 20 points
• Each player must have an official quote writer to avoid saying the following:
• "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." - Charles Shackleford
• "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt
•  "Were going to turn this franchise around 360 degrees!!!" - Jason Kidd
•  "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
• Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." - Doug Collins
• "I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley

The Rules of Football -For The Uninitiated

With football season in full swing, I have taken for granted that everyone is up to speed on the ritual of rooting for a team or player.  However, I know realize that not everyone may know the rules to rooting on Sunday.  Therefore, I have devised a very simple 10 step program to choosing your team.

1.       Unless you live in Texas (and maybe just Dallas) it is never OK to root for the Dallas Cowboys.  Once they dubbed themselves America’s Team, they basically alienated anyone outside of Texas.

2.       If your team is out of the playoff hunt, it is OK to root for any sympathetic team.  For example, the New Orleans saints after Hurricane Katrina and now, the Detroit Lions after a winless season, a depressed economy, a decade of futility and Matt Millen.

3.       If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other is a fan of a team, you cannot become a fan of any other team in their division.  In fact, if you’re not going with their team, you should probably pick another conference – or perhaps root for a soccer team.

4.       It is not OK to pick a team based on the uniform or the “cuteness” of a player; however, you can root against a team because of how a player looks.  For example, Tom Brady and his long hair or Mark Sanchez and his half naked GQ cover spread.

5.       It is OK to like a team based on a cool nickname of a player.  For example, Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is named Megatron, perhaps the coolest nickname ever bestowed onto any player ever! Couple that with #2 and I am on the Lions bandwagon!

6.       However, if a player gives himself his own nickname (i.e. OchoCinco)– they and their team, should NOT be rooted for – unless of course you are Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. Now if Johnson could only put Megatron on his Jersey it would be awesome!

7.     You can dislike a team if they have a rap song. With titles like Lets Ram It (Rams), Can’t Touch Us (Dolphins), Buddy’s Watching You (Eagles).  The exceptions to this rule are the Super bowl Shuffle (Bears) and the Silver and Black Attack (Raiders)

8.      When a retired star player criticizes a current player, it is usually sour grapes (has Joe Theisman ever said anything positive about any QB in the league?). You can therefore root for the team and specifically the player that was criticized.  Please note that if that retired player doing the criticizing wasn’t necessarily a national star (i.e. Merrill Hoge), it is probably an accurate criticism.

9.       It is OK to root against a player on YOUR team if your fantasy football opponent has said player on their roster.  Conversely, you can root for a player on a team you hate if you have that player on your fantasy football team.

10.   As Wesley Snipes says in Passenger 57 - Always bet on (silver &) Black! Oakland Raiders!

There - now go have some fun on Sunday!

Songs that remind me of movies

If you’re like me, you hear a song come on the radio or CD or 8-track and immediately think of a movie or more specifically a movie scene.  Did I lose you at 8-track?  Actually some people may not even know what 8-tracks are.  How about a 33 or 45?  Ok, I am done dating myself, so let’s stick with – you hear a song on your I-pod and…

Anyway, back to my point, some songs just immediately trigger a visual response for me, most likely a movie (or a bad night of Karaoke). But for sake of my dignity, let’s stick with movies.  So in hopes that I am not the only one who does this; I have listed my top songs that trigger a related movie.  Rather than top songs, I should say the last songs I have heard because, you know, my 8-track player is acting up.

“In Your Eyes” – Peter Gabriel:  Say Anything.  I don’t think it’s physically possible to listen to this song without holding a boom box above your head.  If you do not understand that reference, you need to go to a video store…uh, I mean use Netflix…mmm I mean stream the movie “Say Anything” to your wifi-enabled viewing device (is that better?) and watch it.  Not only is it a great movie, but it contains the iconic scene where Lloyd Dobbler holds up his boom box (a boom box was this electronic device that played songs from “tapes” back in the day) and serenades his love.  Classic!

“Cruel Summer” – Bananarama:  Karate Kid (1984). Weird, but every time I hear this song I think of a pre-Dancing with the Stars Ralph Machio playing soccer on the beach in Karate Kid.  What’s weird is that this song wasn’t played when he was playing soccer on the beach but rather when he was walking into his new high school.  The other weird thing is that as soon as I think of either of those scenes, I immediately say “Sweep the Leg Johnny”.  In a related Karate Kid remake note, nothing makes me think of Jaden Smith.

“I’m all right” – Kenny Loggins:  Caddyshack.  Sometimes when you hear a song or lyrics, you think of a person singing them.  When I hear the beginning of this song “I’m all right, nobody worry about me”, I think about a gopher dancing.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, see my advice on “Say Anything” and go rent or stream this movie.  One of the top comedies’s of all time.

“Poker Face” - Lady Gaga: Percy Jackson.  This is an interesting one, because I only recently put these two together.  The song came on the other day and I immediately thought of Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief.  I have written about this movie as one of the worst transitions from a book to a movie ever (although on 2^nd watching it wasn’t that bad since I forgot the plot of the book).  There is a scene in Las Vegas where the main characters are in a nightclub for a week (yeah, just go with it) and this song doesn’t stop playing.  I also think of the half boy half-goat busting a move on the dance floor.  Although like 8-tracks, the term bustin a move may have also gone out of style with Young M.C.

“All Star” – Smash Mouth: Shrek.  As soon as I hear the words “Somebody once told me the world is going to roll me” I immediately think of that green monster.  No, not people on Wall Street  but Shrek.  This movie is also responsible for me thinking of it when I hear the song “Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett.  Although, now that I think about that song I also think about the movie Kick-a$$.  So its like Shrek is competing with Kick A$$ for my attention.  Uh oh, the next time Bad Reputation plays I may end up like Sybil lying on the floor confused over whether I am Peggy or Helen.  Ok I may be breaking out obscure references here and honestly, I am not even sure how I got here since this was supposed to be about “All Star” and Shrek.

“Oh Yeah” – Yello:  Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  Seriously, as soon as you hear the  phrase “Ohhhh Yeah….Chicckkka Cowww” (or something like that) who doesn’t think of Cameron from Ferris Beullerr’s Day Off.  Also, who doesn’t think of Ferris’s scheme to hide the fact that they drove Cameron’s dad’s sports car by putting it up on blocks and driving it in reverse to remove the miles from the odometer.  Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Holding Out for A Hero” – Bonnie Tyler:  Streets of Fire.  This is a dilemma for me.  Every time I hear this song (just the other day in my car), I think of an obscure but awesome film called Streets of Fire.  It is basically about gangs and music and “stuff”.  However, I am not even sure this song was in the movie.  I even Googled it and am still not sure if it was in the movie.  But either way, anytime this song comes on I immediately think about this movie – especially the scene where the hero is held up by a guy with a knife, disarms him in about 3 seconds, gives the knife back to the thug and says “try again”.

They Said What?

Have you ever been in a meeting, watched TV or listened to sports radio and heard something that just made you shake your head?  Well, I have (although to be totally honest, sometimes I am the one saying the words).  Here are the most cringe-worthy comments from Business, Sports and Television.

In Business

• So and So “Threw somebody under the bus”

Really, is this the best analogy we can come up with here?  So we are equating the grade school “I’m telling on you” to forceably putting someone under 12 tons of metal.  I’ve heard that phrase so many times that you would think bus drivers would be on the most wanted list in the post office or that if you are out at a bar and someone asks you what you do, you would say anything to avoid saying your a bus driver..."What do you do?"..."Well, I...um...I clean lint out of laudromat dryers".  "OK, at least you're not a bus driver".

• “At the end of the day” we need to …

Are we talking about having something due at EOD?  If so, do we mean a working day or 11:59pm?  What about time zones?  Or are we referring to the statement “At the end of the day” as “in summary”.  Are we just summarizing today or should we look further ahead?  Why not say, at the end of the week? Or how about end of the year?

• We need to “Push the envelope”

We need to push the envelope?  Push it where?  And what is in the envelope to begin with?

In Sports

• Sports “Guarantees”

OK, Joe Namath famously did this right before Superbowl III against the heavily favored Baltimore Colts, however, since then it has become overused and without consequences.  Here are a few that come to mind:

• Milwaukee Bucks guard Sam Cassell guaranteed his Milwaukee team would beat Detroit on April 17, 2002.  The  outcome: The Bucks lost the game by a 34-point margin
• Atlanta Hawks coach Lon Kruger guaranteed season ticket holders a $125 refund if the team failed to make the playoffs.  The outcome:  The Hawks went through two coaches (Kruger and Terry Stotts) on its way to a 35-47 record

I am keeping my eye on Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert guarantee’s the Cav’s will win an NBA title before Lebron James & Rex Ryan Guarantee’s the Jets will win the Superbowl this year (whereas the last two years he only “Said” they would.

I could ask for the days of Gladiators where if a gladiator guaranteed victory and did not deliver, he was actually eaten by Lions.  However, in lieu of that, how about if you guarantee a victory and you lose, then you forfeit all your salary for that game?  That would make it more meaningful.  That leads me to…

• It’s not about the money. 

Do I really need to elaborate?  Even people who “don’t do it for the money” are making $100M and gave up that extra $1M because they are all about the team.  Awww shucks, he isn't about the money afterall!

• This Game is a Must Win.

Every game is not a must win.  Case in point, it’s week 2 and the 1-0 Jets are playing the 1-0 Jaguars and QB Mark Sanchez of the Jets calls the game a MUST WIN.  What?  Are you kidding me?  A must win is when you are going to be eliminated from the playoffs, a Must Win is the superbowl, a must win is NOT week 2 of the NFL season.

On Television

Ever watch TV and hear something and say to yourself…what?  How about

• On the news when a newscaster says “Details just ahead”.  Really? Details?  Good I was expecting some vague references with little to support it.
• When a newscaster says "Coming up on the other side".  The other side of what?  A commercial?
• “We are going to ask the hard hitting questions”.  As opposed to fluff?  Of course your not, you know why, because then no one will come on your show.
• And while not the news, if I hear one more dating reality show contenstant refer to their 3 weeks of publically filmed faux-romance as a "Journey" I just might vomit.  Oh damn…someone get me a bucket.

Unintended Consequences of Fantasy Football

I got into Fantasy Football several years ago and must say that I am hooked.  I looked forward every year to the draft and it keeps me interested week in and week out (without taking up too much time).  However, there have been some unintended consequences of fantasy football that has impacted how I view the game as well as “my teams”.

• Unlike in the past, when I really couldn’t care less about anyone other than my team (the Oakland Raiders) or rooting for whoever was playing the NY Giants, I am now interested in pretty much every single game on the schedule. It could be the Cincinnati Bengals versus the Carolina Panthers and I actually care. Not about who wins the game (I mean let’s be real people) but about who scores and doesn’t score. Who knows, I may have A.J. Green of the Bengals (Damn you Carson Palmer for your fake retirement) and need him to score to win my week.

• I root for injuries.  OK it sounds kinda bad, perhaps sadistic. But, If Chris Johnson gets hurt, not only does my opponent lose out on any points but I have his backup on my roster.  Do I have a thought to how he or others will make a living if they are permanently hurt?  Well, actually no, they have their free college education to fall back on right?

• It complicates my personal loyalties.  For example, I sometimes root against my own team.  Now, I don’t want them to lose, but if I have the opposing QB, I am hoping it’s a shoot out.  If my opponent has Darren McFadden, I don’t want the Raiders to gain any yards on the ground or score any rushing touchdowns, I only want them to throw the ball (and not to McFadden).  If the raiders score (and its McFadden) I have mixed reactions.  It like doing “the wave” but only getting up a couple of inches off the seat and raising my hands similar to how the Queen of England waves to her loyal subjects.

• I hate the word committee more than a freshmen independent representative in the US Senate.  Of course I refer to the word committee as it’s used in the football sense – specifically, “running back by committee”.  For example, when a coach lets a runner like Ray Rice get all the yards between the 20’s yet when they get within the 5 yard line, they put in a different back to get them over the goal line.  Or when certain coaches employ a running back by committee strategy and everyone gets a turn to preserve the health of the backs.  The Carolina Panthers do this and last week the Packers did it.  I actually look for the Jersey number and then decide if I root for the handoff or not.  I root against the committee member that I don’t have so the coach will think to abandon it and go with “my guy”.  Or if all else fails, there is my personal “Injury rain dance”.

• I recognize players that I would never have known about previously.  Sure, most people know Tom Brady (at least as the guy who abandoned his pregnant girl-friend) or Plaxico Burress (again perhaps as the guy who was so stupid he shot himself in the foot with a concealed handgun & got sentenced to prison).  But, how about the tight end from the Seattle Seahawks?  The placekicker for the Falcons?  The defensive end from the Lions? The Water Boy from Arizona? Yep, I know them all (well except for that placekicker).

• I subscribe to NFL Red Zone.  Basically this is a TV channel for people with severe attention deficit disorder – or someone hooked on Fantasy Football.  It basically switches through the games like a crack head switches needles.  Oh wait, that wouldn’t be that often, so let me re-phrase that.  It switches through games like Elizabeth Taylor switches Husbands (8 if you didn’t know).  The channel will show every score of every game and switch when a team gets into the red zone (hence the name). By the way, Red Zone is within the 20 yard line. Sure, it’s probably a nightmare if you have Epilepsy, but otherwise, well worth it!

Guilty Pleasures Part II - Music

Guilty Pleasures Part II – Songs

As a "companion piece" to my post on movies, I have certain songs that if they came on the radio, I wouldn’t necessarily change the channel (although I may roll up the window so no one else hears).  OKAY, OKAY I admit it, these songs are on my I-pod & I willingly listen to them from time to time.  No, they are not my favorite songs of all time, they are not my most played songs ever, but for some reason, I sometimes get into a mood, especially on the treadmill, and they are there for me!  Also, if anyone ever asked what I was listening to or grabbed my ear-buds, I would quickly switch over to my “safety” playlist which would include multiple songs from Bon Jovi & Sweet Home Alabama.  However, my guilty pleasure playlist would include:

The Climb – Miley Cyrus:   I know, it's Hannah Montana.  Actually I think this song is really from a Hannah Montana movie but it’s actually kind of uplifting.  I can jog along on the treadmill pushing through because ”the struggles I’m facing, sometimes may knock me down, but I’m not breaking” and I just sing away.  I also try not to pay attention to the parents who are quickly gathering up their children and running away from the crazy guy singing Hannah Montana.

All of the Above - Maino: You know, I relate, because “I was raised in the hood, I’m a ghetto survivor, I was facing the charge and willing to bleed…” or something like that.  Perhaps I have misremembered my childhood? 

Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Gotta be honest here.  When I was a kid and this song was popular, I had no idea what Frankie was talking about.  I still try to pretend I don’t know as I listen to it, just so I don’t feel like I have to take a shower in Purell when I am done listening.

Saturday Night - Bay City Rollers: “S-A-T-U-R…D-A-Y Night! I could just put that chorus on repeat, you know the one where they just spell out Saturday and punctuate it with a resounding NIGHT!  I don’t know any other parts of the song – just what day of week it is.  But as a bonus, whenever I had "Saturday" in my grade school spelling contest I would rock it out!

Escape “The Pina Colada Song” - Rupert Holmes.  For a while it was another song in which I didn’t realize the storyline.  When I found out, it only made it better. Although, if we are all honest with each other, the love of Pina Colada’s and getting caught in the rain is not enough to keep a couple together. Is it?

Honorable Mentions:  “mmmmm Bop” – Hanson, “Dancing Queen” - Abba

Guilty Pleasures Part I - Movies

What is a guilty pleasure?  Wikipedia (is there another unverified news source in the world I should be using?) says A guilty pleasure is something one enjoys and considers pleasurable despite feeling guilt for enjoying it. The "guilt" involved is sometimes simply fear of others discovering one's lowbrow or otherwise embarrassing tastes.  So when it comes to movies, there are plenty that I enjoy, yet don’t necessarily tell others about.  When people come over, I may remove these DVD’s from the visible shelf and make sure to replace them with Casablanca, To Kill a Mockingbird, & the Shawshank Redemption.  OK – while I may not actually do that, I do have a couple of guilty pleasure movies that I enjoy watching and re-watching without necessarily advertising the fact.

Sydney White:  I might as well say all Amanda Bynes movies although Sydney White is my favorite.  Well at least her old movies. I don’t know, there is something about the very easy to follow and innocent stories that Amanda Bynes movies seem to tell.  Who wouldn’t like a Snow White story set in college with the eventual outcast uprising of the “geeks”.  Yes its formula driven (OK unless you’re Inception or the Matrix, what isn’t…wait, don’t answer that).  I know she can’t stay the young idealist character (or age for that matter) forever – I just hope she doesn’t become another Lindsay Lohan whose early movies I also used to like as guilty pleasures (think Parent Trap and Herbie not post bat-sh*t crazy Lindsay).

Galaxy Quest:  I am a fan of Science Fiction movies and shows.  However, Galaxy Quest, which had a ridiculous Rock Monster and turned the volume up on classic science fiction stereotypes, really had the potential to be too campy and “silly”.  However, I found myself not just laughing (or more like chuckling) but really enjoying this movie.  The movie is about the cast of a space TV show who have to play their roles as the real thing when an alien race needs their help.  It was almost nostalgic how they over-emphasized the stereotypes from the “red-shirted security guards who die in every episode to the fans of the show at a convention who ask questions of the actors like the show was real.  Although in this case, the fans were right.  As a side note, if you never seen William Shatner’s Get a Life skit on Saturday Night Live, go find it on YouTube.

Ready to Rumble: David Arquette & Scott Caan star as wrestling fans who follow around Jimmy King (Oliver Platt) and try to get him to resurrect his career and get his revenge on the wrestlers who did him wrong.  Ready to Rumble is NOT the Wrestler, which is a real movie about fake wrestling (see how I did that).  So, while the Wrestler is a much better film and a pleasure (not a guilty pleasure), Ready to Rumble is campy, poorly acted, immature jokes YET one that doesn’t make me think too hard and still comes away with the predictable and happy conclusion (I was going to write ending but…)

Midnight Madness: The movie featured an event called the “Great All-nighter” with college kids and it did not refer to any lust filled drink fest! OK I may have lost a whole generation brought up on American Pie & Superbad but hey, I was also brought up on Animal House and Porky’s and yet, I still enjoyed this movie.  It has the standard cliques (Nerds, Jocks, Sororities, etc) competing against each other in a cross-town scavenger hunt.  It also had Michael J. Fox in his movie debut (actually listed as Michael Fox in opening credits – but don’t worry he picked up the J. by the end credits.  The movie was cheesy but again, I am drawn back to the innocent fun (see the theme in my guilty pleasures).  The only thing that could have made it better is if Amanda Bynes was alive at the time to star in it.

Private Eyes: What, you never heard of this masterpiece?  Maybe not a popular movie and yes, it does star Mr. Furley (Don Knotts from Three’s Company) as a somewhat dimwitted Sherlock Holmes type character with his sidekick Tim Conway trying to solve a murder.  One of the re-occurring events of the movie are clues in the form of poems – that are supposed to rhyme by they don’t.  For example: Now you will see, I can do something right. I'm going to show you, a killer tonight. I want Phyllis to come to my chamber, and see. Who was the one, who murdered myself

So, as I look through this list, I notice that a common theme is simplistic, innocent movies that are just fun.  Maybe I don’t feel so guilty after all.

Honorable Mentions:  Big Trouble in Little China.  The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh