This One Time At Band Camp...or How The Entertainment World Has Changed My Life

Whether its movies, TV shows, books or music, the entertainment world has changed my life is ways I could not predict. Let’s see if anyone else gets these references. For example:

Anytime someone says “STOP”, I say "Hammer Time"…

Although this one time, someone said “STOP” & I said "collaborate & listen"

Then again, anytime someone says "This One Time"... I say "at Band Camp"

I could go on and on here...

There are some actors and actresses who will always be known for their iconic character and it has impacted how I see them in new shows or movies.

Now when I watch Die Hard, I wonder why Hans Gruber doesn't cast an Avada Kedavra spell at Bruce Willis

I didn’t know they had vampires on All My Children? How else can you explain to me why Buffy was on that show for 2 years

Recently I referred to an old TV show as “That Sipowitz” show because I couldn’t remember the name of it. Of course I also mentioned the “red-headed guy” who left it to be a movie star so obviously that didn’t happen either. So for those two actors (Sipowitz & David Caruso) they will always be the cops from NYPD Blue (I had to google “that Sipowitz show” to get the name)

Anytime I see Dennis Haskins in something, I say “Its Mr. Belding”. Of course I say the same thing about that whole cast from Saved by the Bell. True story, actually saw Mario Lopez at a bar in Las Vegas and what do you think I and others said? Yep “Hey Slater”. (If you’re wondering, I also had to Google “Slater from Saved by the Bell” to find out his name was Mario Lopez)

Who doesn’t call Verne Troyer Mini-Me? I think that was even the name that came up on the screen when he was on the Surreal Life reality TV show. If not, it should have been.

Classic Lines from Movies & TV also make their way into my every day conversations:

Who hasn’t said “I’ll be back”. It doesn’t matter if I am going to another meeting at work, going to the gym, going grocery shopping or just going to the bathroom. Either way, every time the words I’ll be back leave my mouth, it is always in the voice of the Terminator

Actually, there is a movie or TV line for everything that will ever happen to you in your life. You don’t think so. Check it out

If someone says something you don’t understand:
“Watcha talking about Willis” (Different Strokes)

If someone makes a mistake during an important business transaction:
“10 points from Slytherin” (Do I really need to quote this one?)

If someone who loves you and you love back but you’re not quite ready to say it says “I love you”:
“I know” (Empire Strikes Back)

If you walk into a bar filled with 3 foot albinos dressed as Furbies dancing to Menudo music?
“Were not in Kansas Anymore” (Wizard of Oz)

So, as you can see, the entertainment industry has changed and will continue to change my life. So until next time, “I’ll be Back”

Everything you wanted to know about social media but were afraid to ask

I have written more serious points of view on social media for large enterprise businesses (not on this blog of course) however this one is for individual (and absurdly comedic) purposes. This does not represent the views of my employer, my friends, people I’ve passed in the street, that guy over there, myself, or anyone else living, dead or undead

Twitter:
Before I understood twitter I just thought, “Isn’t that just my Facebook Status?” except none of my friends see it? It is and it isn’t. It’s basically getting every thought you ever had and removing your personal filter to share it with the world – oh, in 140 characters or less.

People have “Followers”: I don’t know, it sounds very David Koresh or Jim Jones like. Unless your Uncle Cracker, I actually think it’s an uncomfortable statement “hey – Follow Me”. I am sure saying you have followers (“to all my followers out there”) probably feeds our sense of ego and self importance in a way as we try to get more and more followers. Anyway, come follow me on twitter, I have some Kool-aide waiting for you.

Numbers seem to matter. Why? Who knows? Like everything else – when you have something of anything, you want more. I’ve seen people “boast” about having thousands of followers and in some cases “make fun” of those who don’t. Really? How old are we? Get over yourself (btw to those bragging people I say “Half of your followers hate you but follow you anyway). Those kind of statements bother me so I did a very scientific study of these people (see non-existent footnote for the study facts) and here is what I found. Sure, these people have thousands of followers but the actual breakdown is as follows:

- 25% are just people who say #I FOLLOW BACK and never EVER type anything else other than IFollowback.
- Another 50% are robots who have 0 tweets and end up spamming your email with messages about blogs that mention you.
- That leaves maybe 25% of the followers as actual people. BUT - 75% those actual people will never read or respond to your tweets because as I mentioned above – they hate you. By the way, it would be great if Kim Kardashian reaches out to these arrogant people with ONLY thousands of followers and says – “pffft”

Facebook
If Twitter is where you are honest to strangers, Facebook is where you lie to your friends. You talk about your life, keep up with friends and family, as well as evidently pretend to run and manage a farm and join the mafia.

"Friend Me". It is now part of our vernacular. It used to be – “Hi can I get your phone number”, then “Can I get your email address, now its “Friend me on Facebook”. Now we will see the phony facebook accounts replacing the phony 867-5309 number for Jenny (please someone get that reference!)

Define Friend please. Is everyone on your “Friend” feed really your friend? Were they ever your friend? Do they even know you? It seems like Webster needs a new definition of friend in the next edition of their dictionary (does anyone else even publish a dictionary?). I mean people have over 1,000 Facebook friends. Seriously? I don’t even know that many people more or less like them.

And I thought relationships used to be complicated. Facebook has added a whole new nightmarish complexity to relationships. Changing your relationship status seems to be the biggest decision you have to make. I used to ask a girl if she would "go out w me" (and once on tape). Now a days I think people stalk facebook status’s to see if the relationship status has changed. And if status has changed for one person in the relationship but not the other? Oh boy, hell hath no fury like a Facebook scorned. My recommendation, have an automatic alert go up when your relationship partner’s status has changed and auto-set to mirror to whatever they have put up.

Google +
So, Facebook got together with Twitter and after a crazy night out on the town (which was no doubt uploaded to YouTube) and out popped Google+. What, it happened another way?

Google + is like the Christmas present that I begged my parents for over and over for half a year and when I finally got it I never played with it.

I know Google+ hasnt arrived yet. How do I know, well I have yet to receive a twitter spam about someone said something about me in a blog or an email invitation from a Nigerian prince that is a can't lose financial proposal. Get with the times Google+!

So now you know the true secrets behind social media (yes I know there is more to social media than Facebook and Twitter (and you too Google+). I am sure with this wealth of knowledge you will now act more responsibly on these sites. Now go friend me on Facebook & follow me on Twitter and Google+ so I can make fun of Kim Kardashian.

Unanswered Superhero Questions

It seems there are superheroes everywhere these days. Spiderman is being reboot (really? Didn’t they just “Boot” Spiderman?). Superman is being re-made…yet again (they might as well bring back Christopher Reeves). The past couple of years have brought Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, Avengers, multiple X-Men movies and enough Green to save a rain forest (Green Green Lantern, Green Hornet Green Goblin). And don’t get me started on the Hulk. With all the money they spent on trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could have just made an actual Hulk (BBT reference). So it seems that superheroes are everywhere. So much in fact that it got me thinking about some of the unanswered questions about superheroes that have yet to make it into these films. For example:

Does Superman pay property tax on his fortress of solitude? Think about it. He just waltzes in and takes what I assume is government (tax payer) property & establishes a residence. Not only does he not pay taxes, but I bet he didn’t get a permit for the construction.

Speaking of Superman. Does Lois Lane mind if Superman is faster than a speeding bullet in, well, you know… everything?

You remember Aquaman right. The guy who wears green and yellow tights, can breathe under water and telepathically communicate with fish. Well, if he is a man, and lives under water, how exactly does he…uh…relieve himself. Does he pull down his spandex? Does he just go right in the ocean like a 5 year old kid? Do the other fish make fun of him behind his back because of…well…shrinkage?

Wonder Woman puts on clothes and becomes Diana and Superman puts on glasses and is transformed into Clark Kent. Are the people of Metropolis and Washington D.C. (or wherever Wonder Woman does her Wonders) made up of people who are totally clueless or just happen to be farsighted?

So I get Spiderman. Bit by a spider and uses webs to sling around. Hey look its Spiderman. Superman. Yep, more powerful than a locomotive. He is super and looks like a man. Aquaman, water – yep people would get that. How about Green Lantern. Doesn't having the name Green Lantern confuse the common citizen? It's not really self-explainable like Batman is. I can’t see the every-day guy looking around and seeing the Green Lantern come to rescue him and saying, Hey, it’s the Green Lantern.

Why did Batman have to create a naming convention for all his tools using the word bat? Is it so he wouldn’t mix up the “Bat Shark Repellent with the garden variety Shark Repellent available at Walmart?

Do female superheroes that wear miniskirts and fly get upset if someone looks up?

Does the Thing from Fantastic Four have problems with kidney stones?

I guess I will have to wait for the 3D version of Kazaam 2 to find out.

The Gym Segmentation Model

I’m not a weightlifter (although I guess technically I lift weights). I am not a runner (a jogger might be a little closer). I am not a gym rat (However, I do belong to a gym). I am not out-of-shape nor am I what I would consider in-shape (not sure they have a name for it other than the standard “I could stand to lose a few pounds). Do I keep a gym journal? No. Do I go to the gym several times a week? Yes. Do I eat healthy (as I chew on a chocolate covered pretzel as I write this…)? No. Have I ever tried a fad? Sure. Those P-90X DVDs are gathering dust next to my Suzanne Summers thigh master right now. I consider myself fairly typical and normal when it comes to working out and going to the gym. So if I, and the people like me are the “normal ones”, who else goes to the gym? Well, there are:

The Screamers: Do you scream while watching a horror movie? Excusable. Do you scream at someone who just cut you off on the highway? Understandable. Do you scream at the top of your lungs every time you lift a weight? Well, then you are either lifting too much weight or you have some very repressed childhood memories you are letting out. Maybe you should see a professional about it.

The Coffee Drinkers: No, these people are not having a literal cup of coffee at each machine – but they might as well be. They look at the machine. They walk up to it. They talk to it. They introduce themselves to it. They sit down on it. They look around the gym. Maybe they pull out their cell phone and text a few people. Finally, they put the phone away and use the machine for several reps (most likely at the lowest weight with no force needed). Are we done? Are they ready to move on? No such luck. They must have made a new friend in this machine. They sit for a little while more and bring back out that phone again. Maybe they ask that machine out for a date, I don’t know. But whatever it is that they are doing, they need to know that there is no shame in “using” a machine.

The Friendster’s: No, this is not the outdated social network, these are the folks do not understand the concept of personal space or time. I don’t mind striking up a conversation or saying hi to people at the gym. What I do mind is when I am working out with headsets on and people constantly come up to talk to you. You have to take out the ear buds, ask them to repeat themselves, put them back in, and then try to look away as they try to get your attention again. Is it a life-threatening situation they need to tell me about? Is my treadmill on fire? No, its “Hi, what are you listening to?” Obviously not my music anymore. And by the way, when there are 10 treadmills open in a row, please do not come and pick the one right next to me. That’s just weird.

The Clubbers: No, not as in I go to a gym club, but more as in they go to a clubby club. You know like Club 54 (70’s reference since I am out of touch with whatever would be a well known club these days. Tao in Vegas perhaps?). OK, not my point. What I am getting at are those people who dress up for the gym (it’s OK to have fashionable workout clothes (although I am a t-shirt and shorts guy) but I am referring to the people in dress pants (I am not kidding here) or the ones in the button down shirt. Or maybe it’s some women who lather on the makeup. I’m not talking about the “I just got off from work makeup and went right to the gym” – well I guess I am if your job is an escort. There are also the guys who drench themselves in cologne that when I walk buy I have to lift my shirt over my nose so I don’t get sick.

The Jumpers: These are the people who do their calisthenics every which way. It’s up and down, left and right, in and out…all over the gym. I am ok with people doing lunges and other activities (you see how much I know about it), but what can be frustrating is when they basically take over the gym and keep bumping into everyone else. Oh I am sorry you lunged/jumping jack/Billy Banks Taeboed right into my bench press bar, my fault for being stationary! I get you want to get your total body workout. May I suggest a body sculpting class or doing a #PlankADay. However, if you’re not going to use any equipment and persist on jumping your jacks right into my machine, may I recommend doing that in your own backyard.

The Watermelon Carriers: You know them. It’s not that these people are large and muscular. I am ok with that. These are the guys who walk around with their arms out so wide that they have to walk sideways to get past machines (think of Ralphie’s brother from A Christmas Story). They also stop in every mirror to flex. Look, I get it. You look good. You definitely look better than me. And I can understand professional body builders and the need to do it since that is what they do. There is nothing wrong with admiring yourself…to a point. Just maybe stop with the “oohs and ahhs” as you do it – let other people say that rather than yourself. And by the way, can you please wipe the equipment down when you’re done.

So, what do I do at the gym? I come in, say hi to people as I pass them (or give them a nod), use the equipment in a timely fashion, and push myself - without screaming. I have pleasant (but most likely short) conversations if they present themselves - although I do not interrupt others. Eventually I go home and eat away any of the goodness that I just accomplished. Typical right?

I know you are but what am I?

So after listening to this whole debt ceiling debate and in preparation for the 2012 presidential election, it got me thinking about how two sides just can’t get along. No matter what the issue, it seems that the Republicans and Democrats will never see eye to eye. A Democrat says the sky is blue, a Republican says it’s green. A Republican says the Earth is round, a Democrat will say its square. A Democrat will say that Megan Fox is a horrible actress, a republican will say…well actually they may agree on that one. So, with this in mind, it got me thinking of other sides that just couldn’t get along.

Donald Trump vs. Rosie O’Donnell

It all started because of a Donald Trump and a party girl - Shocker, I know! Trump defended Miss USA winner Tara Conner’s use of drugs and Rosie O’Donnell took offense to this and publically called Trump a “Snake Oil Salesman”. She might have also mentioned that Trump was far from the moral compass for American youth. Oh yeah, it was ON! It quickly turned into a game of 7 year olds playing “I know you are but what am I”. Rosie told a nationwide audience on the View that “Donald, can sit on it and spin, my friend." Donald, well versed in the “I know you are” game, fired back by calling Rosie a “degenerate” and a “loser” and saying “I look forward to making tons of money from my nice fat little Rosie." The proof of the utter ridiculousness of this feud is that the World Wrestling Entertainment did an in-ring spoof on it by hiring look-a-likes to wrestle. When Vince McMahon says you are absurd, you have hit rock bottom (pun intended).

Reality TV Stars vs. Dignity

Yes, I watch reality TV, a lot of reality TV. And Yes, on some shows, American Idol for example, the contestants retain (if not enhance) their dignity. However, there are multiple examples of individuals who participate in certain reality shows where all semblances of dignity & respect go right out the window. Case in point:

Stars of the Bachelor & Bachelorette. The Premise: Guy meets 25 girls. Guy sends 10 girls packing 3 hours after meeting with them; leaving the girls with no self esteem and several visits to a psychologist. Guy makes out with 15 remaining girls, sends over half of them home to contemplate why they will never get a guy to love them. Guy visits 3 remaining girls’ parents; causes family fights due to intrusive questions and sleeps with the remaining 3. Guy proposes to girl & couple sells their souls to In-touch Magazine. Couple breaks up – lather, rinse, repeat. Who are the guiltiest in this category – oh where do I begin and how do I narrow it down. We have:

Jesse: An NFL player, who despite being a Quarterback, evidently could not get a date so needed to go on this show

Molly: Who was basically left at the altar then got an “Oh just kidding, now that Melisa dumped me can we go out again” from Jason

The girl (its minute 16 so I don’t remember her name) who hooked up with a producer while still trying to get a rose from Jake. Ok her name was Rozyln. I’m ashamed I know

Any girl who gave or received a Fantasy suite card. It might as well be a Hallmark musical card which plays “Bow Chicka Bow Wow” when it is opened

By the way, do any of these people have last names?

Is it only the bachelor and bachelorette’s that lose their dignity? Not a chance:

How about Mike “The Situation“ Sorrentino who tried to parlay his Jersey Shore success (not sure what he was successful at?) into a comedy career at the Roast of Donald Trump. However, here’s the situation – he’s not funny

We have Survivor’s Johnny Fairplay who had his friend come on the island and tell everyone his grandmother died so he could get a sympathy vote. You guessed it, she is alive although hopefully embarrassed

Then there was the Bachelor wannabe - Joe Millionaire. The only thing I remember from that show was that they filmed Joe (Evan) and Sarah in a darkened garden. What, you can’t see or hear what they are saying, it’s OK, FOX added subtitles to the screen so you know what’s going on. The subtitles read “Slurp, Slurp, Gulp, Gulp”. I kid you not! Sarah, your parents must be proud. I think Johnny Fairplay’s grandmother was also watching!

Forget the Hills, how about Heidi and Spencer Pratt on “I’m a Celebrity, Get me out of Here” was ridiculous. First, I am not sure anyone on the show qualified as a celebrity. Second, Heidi acted like she was victimized like Charles Bronson’s wife in Death Wish when the labels on her shampoo bottle were removed. Third Spencer was baptized in a river by Stephen Baldwin. Fourth, do I need to even go on about these 2?

Jon and Kate +8. I feel sorry for the kids, I feel sorry anyone who watched and most of all I feel sorry for anyone else in the world who wore an Ed hardy shirt who had to burn them so they don’t get confused with Jon.

Actually I could go on and on with this category…so let me move on

The Soc’s vs. Greasers

Yes, this is basically the rich vs. the poor, and as much as the movie "The Outsiders" made the Soc’s out to be the bad guys, I think anyone with the names of Ponyboy, two-bit and Soda-Pop deserve to get their a$$ whipped every once in a while.

Star Trek vs. Star Wars fans

I will start off by saying that I am a fan of both of these franchises and there are celebrities who like each. Whether it is Kevin Smith or Seth Green (Star Wars) or Tom Hanks & Whoopi Goldberg (Star Trek) there is no shortage of high profile fans. There have also been some high profile spoofs of both. Who can forget Saturday Night Live and William Shatner press conference. Fans asking Shatner about details of the show like it was real. Shatner’s high profile response ‘Get a Life people”. Robot Chicken and Family guy have had well received shows based solely on spoofing Star Wars. But for some reason, it seems that Trekkies (or is it Trekkers) and Star Wars Fans feel this need to compare or dare I say trash talk each other. I will leave it with this line from Fanboys…

Star War Fan - “What's the Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin"?

Star Trek Fan Replies in fluent Klingon

Enough Said!

Biggie vs. Tupac

I won’t pretend to know much about this other than someone said something bad about someone else, then someone else said something bad about the other person, people’s feelings got hurt and the next thing you know everyone’s dead. This same thing happened in my middle school playground all the time – well except for the shootouts and killings.

Charlie Sheen vs. Sanity

How did this guy go from the great actor in Platoon to this? From in an Oliver Stone picture to saying “I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Well, at least we know he has a home remedy for his sickness, remember he blinked and cured his brain.

Honorable Mention:

The Hatfield’s vs. the McCoy’s, Team Edward vs. Team Jacob , The Capulets vs the Montagues, The Jets vs the Sharks, Coke vs Pepsi, Red Sox vs. Yankees

A Daddy’s guide to raising toddlers. What I’ve learned…so far

3 ½ years ago, what I knew about being a parent was basically from what I learned from watching Mike Brady dole out pearls of wisdom on the Brady Bunch (By the way, who has a personal butcher deliver meat to their house and how were those Brady kids not obese?) Anyway, I digress….So, my lack of parenting “experience” changed pretty quickly. In the span of 15 months, we welcomed 3 babies into the world. My children are now 3 ½, 3 ½, & 2 ½, I over the course of these years, I have picked up a few observations and lessons learned:

1. I spent the first year of my children’s life trying to get them to talk for the first time. I remember being so happy when I heard their first words. Now, a couple of years have passed and all I want them to do is to Shut The@%!* Up


2. I remember the first time I heard the word “Daddy”. It was such a wonderful experience. Hearing it 177 times in a row…in a whiny voice…not so much


3. You tend to lose track of the real value of things. For example, I would gladly pay $1,000 for a moment of silence


4. Without fail, my kids would rather play with the cheap cardboard box than the $100 gift that came inside it


5. With 3 babies, I learned how to sleep like a soldier. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is, where you are or who is around, whenever you can get some shuteye – take it


6. When you’re at a party, it is just a matter of time before it will be your kid that is crying. Accept it and just wait your turn


7. Before you know it, you will start sounding like your parents. “Don’t waste food, there are starving people in (insert relevant country)”, “Close the door, do we heat/cool the whole world?” “When I was your age I never had all the things you have” “Because I said so, that’s why”


8. It's much easier to comment on other people’s parenting styles then your own. It’s also the reason why people without kids are the harshest critics and they also seem to give the most advice


9. And of course, I can say anything about my kid’s actions or behaviors – you can’t


10. There is a fine line between love and hate. OK I kid about the word hate, but having toddlers is very much like being bipolar. One minute they are the cutest most loving kids you could ever meet, and the next I swear they are the spawn of Satan put on this earth to see how far over the edge they can push me


11. You start saying things that you never, EVER, thought you would say…A LOT. I’ve used the words “Poopie” and “Tooshie” more times in the past year than I have in my 3 decades of existence. If I recall correctly, I think I have also told my kids I could eat them alive because they were so cute


12. You start DOING things you wouldn't have imagined as well. I remember looking at my brother in law when he would smell my niece's butt when she was little and thinking "what the heck are you doing"?. However, in the past 3 years I could be seen crawling around after my three kids on my hands and knees trying to get a whiff of their behinds to see who needed to be changed. HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!


13. I’ve realized that nap time is not just for the kids. Why did this practice ever go away as we got older?


14. As my kids get older, crying doesn’t bother me as much. As babies, I wanted to make sure everything was OK when I heard that cry. However, as they get older, there is much more “lag time” between the cry and my reaction (unless the cry is accompanied by a crashing sound).


15. Being the favorite is not all it’s cracked up to be. I know my wife won't like that comment, but truth be told, my youngest has an infatuation with me. It really is a great feeling. Daddy is the one to make it better when he is sick or the one he runs to when he is happy. Daddy is the one he calls for when he wakes up. However, Daddy is also the one to change his diaper…all the time, or bathe him, or brush his teeth, or walk with him, or carry him down the stairs…you get the picture…

Now, along with all the trials and tribulations of being a parent, it is also the purest form of love I have ever known. A smile can make my troubles go away. An “I love you daddy” can light up my day. A hug from one of my children is like medicine for my soul. The other day my son gave me his most precious stuffed animal to sleep with and it was worth more to me than any amount of money. There’s a saying that says you never know the love of your parents until you have a child. I believe this to be true.

However, in addition to being the purest form of love, it is also the most “painful and vulnerable”. Meaning, that with every fiber of my being I always want to protect my children from all harm, sadness and heartbreak…and I walk around knowing that I cannot. So there it is, what I have learned is that children are craziness & calmness, sadness & Joy, anger & peace and most importantly, above all else, LOVE