The Bachelorette Finale: Thoughts From A Reluctant Viewer

But I don’t want to watch the Bachelor Finale. OK Fine.  Wait, what, 3 Hours?  Crap, lets open up some wine.

OK, so yes, I have been coerced into watching the finale and I haven’t watched a single episode of the Bachelorette this season.  But let me take some guesses as to what happens:

• Emily doesn’t know who to choose, say’s she loves two guys and she breaks down once every 13.3 minutes of airtime 
• Chris Harrison will say, “Coming up on the most shocking bachelorette finale ever” 
• Someone will say they “have fallen for” someone else and didn’t believe it could happen but it did 
• Someone’s dignity will go poof (with odds are that this will include every person who gets camera time) 
• I will say “Oh God. So Lame. This is Stupid” each about 57 times during the 3 hour show 

Well, let’s see what happens, onto the show: 

• “This is the most anticipated television event of the summer”. Well Chris Harrison, maybe you didn’t realize that NBC was going to air a “What’s Happening Re-union” hosted by Dee, the obnoxious sister

Bachelor #1 Meets The Parents:

• Holy crap, did Emily’s Mom eat a Turtle or is that an Adam’s Apple
• Was bachelor #1 part of Flock of Seagulls? What’s with the hair?
• Maybe he is Parker Lewis from Parker Lewis Can’t lose (bonus points for ANYONE who gets that reference)
• Oh he has a trust fund? Now I get it.
• Seagulls is asking Emily’s dad for his blessing if he proposes: “I’m an old fashioned guy so I….” Wait stop right there.  I don’t recall Cary Grant going into a hot-tub with 20 other guys on a reality show before sweeping Ginger Rogers off her feet
• Oh his name is Jeff? Yeah, we will continue to go with “Seagulls”…

Bachelor #2 Is Up

• As a present, #2 (Ari) gives away all the roses he got on the show to the parents.  Mom says “Wow to give something away that is so precious to him”.  Look Mom, if he doesn’t “win”, those roses are really not going to be that special to him…unless he could sell them on Ebay.
• Asks dad for permission to marry his daughter.  Dad, apparently giving out permissions like a pamphlet on the corner of a NYC street sale, grants said permission to 2^nd guy in about 4 hours

The Parents & Emily debrief

• Emily to her parents “So, what did you think?”  For once, I would like a father to say “You know what I think.  I think they both suck and you are an idiot for going on this show not once, but twice and thinking that you can find a lasting relationship.  But love ya honey”
• Emily “I’m not 100 percent sure I should get engaged at the end of this”.  Really? What tipped you off? That you’re a single mom and you don’t want your kid to meet any of the guys?  That you spent a cumulative of 4 hours all season with each person on dates you can never afford? That the one guy still looks like he is from the Flock of Seagulls?

The Last Dates

• It may be my age, but every time I hear Emily refer to her daughter as “Little Ricky” I can only think of I Love Lucy and little Ricky Ricardo
•  “I wasn’t planning on introducing my daughter to anyone this time”…Yet, surprise, surprise, here she is.  I mean god Emily, it’s not like you’re talking about a tattoo of New Kids on the Block  you got when you were drunk in college.  And, how can you plan on getting engaged at the end of the show but not want to introduce your daughter to the final 2 guys?  Now I know why I didn’t watch this season.
• Meeting Little Ricky
• Emily “If Ricky doesn’t like him it will change my relationship with him”.  If I were that kid, I would pull the guy aside and say “Look dude, an XBOX 360 gets you a hug & if you throw in a flat screen I will call you daddy and give you a kiss”
• You know ABC is counting down the days until this little Ricky chick is old enough to do her own reality dating show.
• Yep, spending 1 hour with the kid swimming in the pool is “just like being a dad”.  Nooooo, you’re not naïve or anything Seagulls, it’s all we dad’s do day in and day out.

The Decision

• Yeah, it is just as bad as Lebron’s…well maybe not that bad.  Sorry Lebron.
• Emily schedules a special meeting with Chris Harrison “Yeah, I don’t know what to do and who I should pick”.  Yeah, the guy who also hosts “Mall Masters” on the Game Show Network should have all the answers.
• So Ari makes a love potion for Emily.  Not sure if you know this Ari, but you have to slaughter a live chicken first.  Maybe next time.
• Jeff went to go see Vera Wang to pick out the ring.  “Hold on, what is that honey? “.  I stand corrected; Evidently, Jeff went to see Neil Lang to pick out the ring.
• My wife’s advice – “Just pick the biggest ring – It's not like you’re not paying for it”
• Emily “I don’t know if I want to get engaged.  I don’t want to be the girl who gets engaged 15 times. “Um how about you stop going on this stupid show then?
• Wow, that kiss between Jeff & Emily means that either he really doesn’t like girls or Emily reminds him of his sister.

The Aftermath

• So I guess Ashley & J.P. replace Ali & whoever as the example of how successful the show is at forming lasting relationships since everyone else has broken up.
• I’m sorry, did I miss it?  Where was the shocking part of this finale? Then again, the only way for the hype to have been met would have been for Loki to come swopping in, destroy the set and for Katniss Everdeen to shoot him between the eyes (Yes, I mixed in a couple of things there, but they did say most shocking finale ever!)
• Bachelor Pad premiers tomorrow.  Break out the Purell!

Things I didn't know I signed up for when I become a parent

1. I would never have privacy in the bathroom... Ever again
2. Negotiating business deals is nothing compared to negotiating which cartoon my 3 toddlers will watch
3. There actually is a place called "At Wits End" and I'd visit there…A LOT. (It's close to "Up To Here")

4. I would have to watch every single thing my toddler does and respond like they just mapped a genome.
     o Kid: “Daddy, watch this”
     o Kid: “Daddy you’re not watching”
     o Kid: “OK Daddy, now watch me”
     o *kid flaps arms*
     o Me:”Awesome!”
5. I would have to be an encyclopedia of knowledge and explain everything ever created in world. “Daddy, what’s this? Daddy, what’s that? Daddy, what’s this?...”
6. An appropriate dinner can be gummy bears, a banana, a frozen waffle and an ice pop
7. Burying my head in a pile of pillows can be an acceptable form of dealing with my kids arguments
8. Three of my most dreaded words would be “Some assembly required”
9. I would need to navigate my home like it was a mine field ·
10. I would be manipulated so easily.
     o “Daddy, you are so handsome, I love you so much. Can I have an icepop?”
     o “Of course you can sweetie”
11. My choice of words would be forever changed. Case in point. As I am stepping out of a meeting at work I announce to everyone “Excuse me, I have to go potty”
12. I'd get my own personal “play by play” announcers. “Daddy’s brushing his teeth. Daddy is sleeping. Daddy is getting dressed.”
13. I'd become a doctor and that kissing a “boo-boo” actually does make it better
14. I'd wake up some days and immediately start counting hours to my kids bedtime
15. I’d find out that there is a sound worse than fingernails on chalkboard and it’s called whining
16. That I would need to protect myself like MMA fighter when playing with my kids.
17. I would be able to read the future: For example, here is a recent conversation with my son:
     o Me: “No”
     o Me: “I said no”
     o Me: “Buddy don't do it”
     o Me: “Look, we know how this'll turn out. You'll do it, I'll get mad, & you'll cry, so can we just skip it?"
     o *Son does it*
     o *Daddy gets mad*
     o *Son cries*
18. Not only would I watch cartoons, I would call out inconsistencies in them.
     o “Shouldn’t the Octonauts go through a depressurization chamber before going into the station?”
     o “Wait a second, how come the cow talks but the pig doesn’t?”
19. I would know what it is like to be bi-polar.
     o Me: “awww, I love these kids more than life itself”
     o *2 minutes pass*
     o Me: “STOP IT! GET OVER HERE! YOU’RE IN BIG TROUBLE. I SAID GET OVER HERE!!”
     o Awww I love them