Bachelor 2013: Week 4: Who's That?

Girl cries 45 seconds into the show.  Is this some sort of record?

1:1 Rock Climbing Date with Selma

What happened versus what would have happened in real life

Surprise Date:

What happened on the show:

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Oh joy, this is the perfect date”

What would have happened in “real” life

• Him “Come on, just jump in the car and I am not telling you where we are going”
• Her “Well what should I wear?  Will we be going to dinner, do I need to wear layers? Should I bring a dress.  What type of shoes should I bring?  This is so stressfull”

They get on a private plane

What happened on the show:

• They cuddle

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Have you talked to the pilot?  Is this safe?  You know this is how JFK Jr. died.  Seriously, should we go back so I can get different clothes?”

The date:  Rock climbing in the desert

What happened on the show:

• The city girl ends up rock climbing in the heat.

What would have happened in “real” life

• Her “Take me home”

Selma says she cannot kiss him due to her upbringing in Iraq.  Yeah, I guess the Iraqi culture frowns upon kissing but is ok with pimping yourself out on a national TV

Date: Roller Derby

Here is how the producer’s meeting went…probably

• “We should put all these women who are fighting over the same guy in a game of violence”
• “UFC style fighting”
• “Nah, not enough violence”
• “Can we just have them shoot each other?”
• “No, I don’t think that will make it past the censors”
• “OK, how about this, let’s put the one armed girl on roller skates because her balance will be totally off and the other girls can just T-off on her?”
• “Perfect”

Sean: “Tierra, When I look into your eyes I see…” Sean, I think the words you are looking for are “Bat-Sh*t Crazy?

1:1 Date with Leslie H

• Some girl just said “Holy Batman”.  I would have sent everyone else home and said “you’re the one!”
• Leslie H. “This is just like pretty Woman” …uh doesn’t that then make you a hooker?
• Where are they going? A Junior Prom?
• Leslie – you know you have to return these diamonds right?
• 30 seconds into this dinner and I would receive my fake phone call and be like “check please”
• I am fine with Sean not giving her the rose, but did he have to pick it up and swing it in her face as he said no? 
• Sean might as well just picked up the rose and sang “you can’t touch this….hammer time”
• In his sadness, Sean drops the rose from the balcony…how dramatic.  Now stop littering.

 Rose Ceremony

• Sean says – if you question my decision, come talk to me about it.  Yeah, how did that work out for Kacie B in week 2?
• Sean “I want to get to know every part of each of these girls”.  Uh yeah…I bet you do
•  “Who’s that?” -  Me, about every girl who has more than 1 arm

Bachelor 2013 Week 3: Can This Guy Exercise With a Shirt On?

1:1 with Leslie M

• “How long will this love last?”  Well, given the success of previous seasons, it’s a toss-up between 3 days and a Kardashian marriage
• Chris Harrison:  “Is this the most bizarre thing you have seen”. Random person: “Yes”.  And this is in front of the museum which hosts the record for the most people dressed as Smurfs
• In 5 years people will read this in the Guinness Book of world records and say “Who?”
• “I loved High School”.  OK, she must have been a bully.
• Yeah Leslie, sure you were a nerd.  Sean should quiz her.  “OK, what is ComicCon?”
• “Do you think you could develop feelings for me in this setting?”.  Really Sean, what do you think she was going to say?  “Ah, not really, but I really want that rose because it gives me a better chance of being invited onto the cast of the bachelor pad”…I mean, “Yes, of course I already am”

Group Date:

• “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life” – wow, think the monopoly game I played as a 10 year old during family game night was more important
• Hey girl with the bandana…don’t you know that crying and desperation don’t go well together
• “Sean has all the qualities I want in a husband…you know blonde…and uh…did I say blonde?”
• It’s too dark, I can’t see who that girl is talking to Sean on the beach…then I realize, what does it matter, it’s all the same
• Sean to a girl he just met “I can tell you have a genuine heart”.  Really Sean, how can you tell? Is it because she doesn’t have one of those dastardly mustaches that those old west criminals had that gave away their un-genuine hearts?
• Complaining about other girls?  Yeah, that has gone over well in previous seasons

1:1 Date Ashlee

• Tierra takes a fall and all the camera men are standing around and the producers yell ”Don’t touch her yet!!!…Wait till the bachelor comes in”
• Seriously, a neck brace?  My 3 year old would have gotten up from that fall & complained less #Bachelor
• You would have thought that another girl hit her on the back of the head with a chair WWE style with the way ABC previewed “the fall”
• I bet those 2 girls were like “Damn, the last 2 kids who had their wishes granted were adopted by Angelina and Brad”
• The Eli Young band?  Who the hell is that?
• Hey Sean, those girls said they are bachelor fans.  Maybe you should dance with one of them instead of Ashlee for at least one song?
• Wait, did Eli Young follow them on their date?

Rose Ceremony

• Sarah’s like “crap, now I have to pretend that I actually like this dog”
• Just an FYI Sarah, contrary to what you said, Sean did not coordinate you seeing your dog, the producers did.  Sean was too busy kissing Leslie for over 3 minutes
• With all the girls stealing Sean back and forth, I would just say ”you know what, you guys talk to each other and I am going to hang out with the dog”

Bachelor 2013: Week 2: "Who The Hell is Amanda? Who the Hell is Selma"

The Opening:

• “I see every quality I would look for in a wife with these girls.”  Seriously Sean? We haven’t even gotten to the 2^nd episode yet.

• Chris Harrison: "I really see this working out for Sean" Yeah Chris, just like it worked out for that Fake Prince…or that guy who owned a vinyard, or the guy who couldn’t pick any girl at the end…or…

• How soon before the other girls in the house start saying Sara cut off her arm on purpose for an advantage with Sean?

• Is this the stage of the show when the girls still pretend to like each other?

1:1 Date with Sarah

• Saying omg a helicopter on the Bachelor is like saying omg Mickey Mouse when entering Disney World

• "A fairy tale?” “The way I imagined it." Wow Sarah, it's a reality show with 20 other women. You really need to imagine better or read different fairy tales.

• "Let's find out these girls biggest fears...and let's do that" - Bachelor producers

• Seriously, if I was up on that building getting ready to free fall it would be like “beep, beep, beep, beep” (those represent TV censor bleeps, not the roadrunner)

• "She amazed me".  Dude, she jumped off a building...in a safety harness...nothing more, nothing less

• Sarah's dad says "You need to find a guy whose strong enough to get you through times like this"...uh sorry, my advice to my daughter would be a little different. Like, YOU are strong enough to get through this!

• I really wish a girl would say "You know what, this guy’s an ass" after the first date

• Soo not a good kiss. I bet he wishes he could take back the rose

• "I feel like I am falling in love with Shawn"...and there it is

Group Date

• So, the model wins the modeling challenge? What is her background, the Palmolive hands model?

• "I think he sees I'm bubbly.." No, Tierra, he sees…uh….those

• "I've seen another side of Leslie"...yeah, it's called her buttocks

• "I'm not here to get hurt" - some girl who is going to get hurt

• "Why are you here?"…"For love". Why even ask or answer that question? Like what else would they say?

• "I want that Rose". Yep, sounds genuine to me

• If anyone should kiss him its Kacie B. that's how you get out of the friend zone!

• Some girl: "I hope Sean sees through Tierra" - Yeah, because history has shown that the bachelors really see through that crap.  My guess is next week you confront Sean about another girl and then wonder why he gets upset.

• "No, stay" - what Sean did not say to the frizzy girl who bailed

Desiree 1:1 Date

• "This is Laura, she'll play the Art director" No Sean, you can’t give her a rose.

• Good thing for ABC that the candid camera thing didn't turn dark where Desiree stabbed the artist then tried to bury the body in order to get that Rose

• When he says "I didn't expect to be so comfortable with you" that's your queue to kiss him before that crosses into uncomfortable

• Sean "You've already seen every side of me". Seriously? you must have "0" sides

Rose ceremony

• Sean "Not having a date this week doesn't mean anything" - well, those dates must have sucked then

• Hey Lindsay, when you say your dad’s a general…all the guy hears is "he has guns"

• Sean: "I've dated everyone". See the maid over there? yep, dated her. The Gardner?...dated her too. Yep, her And her too...and her as well....

• The look of pure panic on these girls faces when someone else gets a rose is priceless

• "Who the hell is Amanda?" - Me

• "Who the hell is Selma." - Me again

• “Who the hell is…what did they say her name was again?” – Me, a 3^rd time

Of course it was going to be Amanda, they didn't even show those other girls on TV

Bachelor 2013: Week 1. I Think I Know Why These Girls Are Single

Bachelor:  Week 1

• “Oh god.  Really?  Oh Come on! Lord Have Mercy.” – Me, every 45 seconds, while watching this episode.
• Seriously, after watching season after season of the bachelor I think am I the only guy who works out with a shirt on
• “Getting over Emily took a while”.  Uh Shawn, when you say while, do you mean longer than the 30 day shoot of the previous season of the bachelorette?
• The next time I hear the word Journey, it better be mentioned as part of a 1980’s re-union concern with Steve Perry
• “I am only going to get engaged once”.  I think you mean, only get engaged on TV once…although at this rate, that probably doesn’t hold true anymore either
• I bet that dude Ari is thinking…crap, I wish I was the bachelor
• Ari, hate to tell you, but your 15 minutes of fame was over last season…well, I guess this makes it 20 minutes…well, until  the bachelor pad…crap
• “I see myself spending the rest of my life with one person”.  Gee thanks for that generic pearl of wisdom Sean.

Let’s meet some of the girls

• Girl with one arm says “I believe this show brings people together who are compatible” – Really? You mean based on all the previous successes like…um…like…yeah that Trista girl…and…um…
• “I don’t like the nerds or the politicians”.  Sorry chick-a-dee from D.C., after seeing your introduction, I think it’s the nerds and politicians who don’t like you.

Out of the car and…

• Hey poker dealer, you might as well walk right on back into that car
• I bet that girl sang to Sean to audition for the next reality show
• Girl “Have you read any good books lately?” Sean…”Yeah I read this book on the impacts of socio-economic status on…” Girl “Yeah, whatever, I read 50 Shades of Grey”
• Is Sean’s “I’ll talk to you inside” basically the bachelor version of “I’ll call you…no, I don’t need to write down your number, I’ll remember”
• “I was on bachelor pad 3”…not exactly the statement I would have led with
• Sean gives Tierra a rose and says “I hope that doesn’t cause any tension among the girls”.  Have you ever even seen this show Sean?
• You know, there is a balance between an awkward “pause” and an awkward “this sucks”
• Kristy is a model?  You mean a hand model?
• Yeah, show up in a wedding dress. That’s exactly what a guy wants on a first date.  I’m surprised you didn’t bring you mother to really seal the deal.
• Girl:  “If you break my heart, my dad will break your legs”.  Um, yeah ok, you might want to go stand next to the girl who came in a wedding dress.

And, here we go

• I am so glad this show dispels the stereotype of catty superficial women
• “I would love for my wife to be in this room” – Sorry Sean, that is only going to happen if the make-up artist’s name Susan “Wife” McGuillcutty
• Oh hell, I would bring my own rose or just find one of the dumb girls and say “Hey look over there…” Swiper no swiping
• Do these girls actually have jobs? I mean they can’t even seem to process that the guy is giving out more than 1 rose.  Not that hard to follow ladies…
• “I got a few more girls to talk to” = No rose for you
• It’s more like Ashley and her 50 Shades of “What The Hell”
• I think I know why some of these girls are single
• Blonde girl basically says “Of course he noticed me, I mean have you seen me?”
• “I don’t fight over a guy” – um, maybe you should have thought of that before you went on the bachelor
• Blonde Singer “I guess I should focus on making myself happy rather than opening up to guys”.  Open up?  You had all of 45 seconds with this guy…how much could you really have opened up.

Well, I told myself I wouldn’t watch this season, but looks like I am hooked

A Daddy’s New Year’s Wish

1. To be able to walk barefoot in my house like I did before kids…and Lego’s
2. To be able to go to the bathroom one time…without having to barricade my door for privacy
3. To be able to take a bite of food before hearing the words…”Daddy, I want some more…”
4. To be able to watch my TV shows rather than the 76^th showing of Dora the Explorer
5. For it to be Daddy’s turn
6. To not have to explain why
7. For my kids to exit a toy store on their own two feet
8. To sleep in
9. To turn on my Ipad without seeing 4 new apps about talking animals
10. To be on time
11. To wake up without immediately looking forward to bedtime
12. To be able to assemble one of my kids toys without cursing
13. To drink a hot cup of coffee
14. To put together a puzzle that doesn’t have the last piece missing
15. To go on a Daddy play date…without kids
16. To forget the words to any Dora theme song
17. To not have to negotiate who plays with what toys like it’s the fiscal cliff
18. To know what the heck my kids drew without asking them
19. To regain personal space
20. To not have to hide the vegetables in every other food group
21. To not have to decide “who did it”