A Sneak Peak Inside the New NBA Labor Agreement

The NBA owners and players can’t seem to come to an agreement to end the NBA Lockout.  For some reason players feel that a 50/50 split of the revenue is not fair.  Maybe if they actually went to the classes that their athletic scholarship provided, they might understand that 50/50 is the actual definition of fair.

 

Either way, since the terms of the agreement are still up in the air, I would like to submit my ideas of MUST HAVE rules that should be included in any labor deal.  I think that these rules will not only allow for a greater enjoyment of the game, but will dramatically up the IQ quotient of its players, coaches, owners and viewers all at the same time.

• Players should not be allowed to high-five each other after a missed free throw. You missed one of the easiest shots in a game.  Heck, its called a FREE throw.  You're lucky I didn't say you couldn't high five after MADE free throws.
• In any future labor agreement lockouts or strikes, players should not be allowed to:
• Say that the league is taking food off my families tables as Latrell Sprewell who made $15M a year once said.  Now maybe Latrell just didn’t know where to shop so I have created the following list to aide players if a desire to utter these words exist in the future.  For future reference, if you think you cannot feed your family on $15M, you actually can buy the following:
• 3.75 million Big Macs from McDonalds.  Make it 2.1 if you supersize it & add the meal deal
• 7.3 million Tacos from Taco Bell
• 1.9 million buckets of chicken from KFC
• Players may not make any contextual references to how poor they are as Patrick Ewing once did when he said “Yes, we make a lot of money, but in our defense, we spend a lot of money.'' 
• Players may not talk about how they have to "resort" to getting a "real" job in order to make ends meet as Delonte West recently did when he tweeted that he had to apply for a job at the local Home Depot.  This is coming from a guy who made $8.75M in the past 2 years.  Oh yeah, he is also the same guy who has a plea deal for the time he sped through traffic on I-495 with a loaded 9mm tucked to his belt, a loaded .357 holstered on his leg and a loaded shotgun strapped to his back. I guess he is banking on Home Depot not doing any background check.
• Players cannot compare their own plight to the plight of slaves as the NFL’s Adrian Peterson did.  Adrian, I don’t know what version of Alex Haley’s Roots you have seen, but in my version, Kunta Kinte wasn’t pulling down $11M a year.  Yes, these comments were made by an NFL player and not an NBA one, but, let’s be honest with each other, it’s just a matter of time.
• When its about the money, players cannot say it’s not about the money.  Seriously, why don’t players just say – look, I am going to go to whoever pays me the most.  It would be more honest than 98% of what is said during free agency.  Yes there are exceptions, although some of those exceptions are coming from players who STILL make over $100M. 
• Max players should not be allowed to have agents.  Hey, this is helping them help themselves.  Seriously, how hard is it to say – give my client the maximum allowed contract?
• Players can only wear a suit in blue, black or grey.  Look I am open to new and different styles of clothing.  But, honestly, with the advent of 3D & HDTV’s, I just don’t think I can look at Joakim Noah off the court without going blind.  Of course, I am sure there is bound to be a revolt around this rule very similar to the protest of a dress code by Marcus Camby, who made $8M a year, when he said “I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."
• Players shall be no longer able to “talk trash” when they’re losing by more than 20 points
• Each player must have an official quote writer to avoid saying the following:
• "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." - Charles Shackleford
• "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt
•  "Were going to turn this franchise around 360 degrees!!!" - Jason Kidd
•  "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" - Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert
• Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win." - Doug Collins
• "I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5." - Charles Barkley

The Rules of Football -For The Uninitiated

With football season in full swing, I have taken for granted that everyone is up to speed on the ritual of rooting for a team or player.  However, I know realize that not everyone may know the rules to rooting on Sunday.  Therefore, I have devised a very simple 10 step program to choosing your team.

1.       Unless you live in Texas (and maybe just Dallas) it is never OK to root for the Dallas Cowboys.  Once they dubbed themselves America’s Team, they basically alienated anyone outside of Texas.

2.       If your team is out of the playoff hunt, it is OK to root for any sympathetic team.  For example, the New Orleans saints after Hurricane Katrina and now, the Detroit Lions after a winless season, a depressed economy, a decade of futility and Matt Millen.

3.       If your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/significant other is a fan of a team, you cannot become a fan of any other team in their division.  In fact, if you’re not going with their team, you should probably pick another conference – or perhaps root for a soccer team.

4.       It is not OK to pick a team based on the uniform or the “cuteness” of a player; however, you can root against a team because of how a player looks.  For example, Tom Brady and his long hair or Mark Sanchez and his half naked GQ cover spread.

5.       It is OK to like a team based on a cool nickname of a player.  For example, Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is named Megatron, perhaps the coolest nickname ever bestowed onto any player ever! Couple that with #2 and I am on the Lions bandwagon!

6.       However, if a player gives himself his own nickname (i.e. OchoCinco)– they and their team, should NOT be rooted for – unless of course you are Rod “He Hate Me” Smart. Now if Johnson could only put Megatron on his Jersey it would be awesome!

7.     You can dislike a team if they have a rap song. With titles like Lets Ram It (Rams), Can’t Touch Us (Dolphins), Buddy’s Watching You (Eagles).  The exceptions to this rule are the Super bowl Shuffle (Bears) and the Silver and Black Attack (Raiders)

8.      When a retired star player criticizes a current player, it is usually sour grapes (has Joe Theisman ever said anything positive about any QB in the league?). You can therefore root for the team and specifically the player that was criticized.  Please note that if that retired player doing the criticizing wasn’t necessarily a national star (i.e. Merrill Hoge), it is probably an accurate criticism.

9.       It is OK to root against a player on YOUR team if your fantasy football opponent has said player on their roster.  Conversely, you can root for a player on a team you hate if you have that player on your fantasy football team.

10.   As Wesley Snipes says in Passenger 57 - Always bet on (silver &) Black! Oakland Raiders!

There - now go have some fun on Sunday!

Songs that remind me of movies

If you’re like me, you hear a song come on the radio or CD or 8-track and immediately think of a movie or more specifically a movie scene.  Did I lose you at 8-track?  Actually some people may not even know what 8-tracks are.  How about a 33 or 45?  Ok, I am done dating myself, so let’s stick with – you hear a song on your I-pod and…

Anyway, back to my point, some songs just immediately trigger a visual response for me, most likely a movie (or a bad night of Karaoke). But for sake of my dignity, let’s stick with movies.  So in hopes that I am not the only one who does this; I have listed my top songs that trigger a related movie.  Rather than top songs, I should say the last songs I have heard because, you know, my 8-track player is acting up.

“In Your Eyes” – Peter Gabriel:  Say Anything.  I don’t think it’s physically possible to listen to this song without holding a boom box above your head.  If you do not understand that reference, you need to go to a video store…uh, I mean use Netflix…mmm I mean stream the movie “Say Anything” to your wifi-enabled viewing device (is that better?) and watch it.  Not only is it a great movie, but it contains the iconic scene where Lloyd Dobbler holds up his boom box (a boom box was this electronic device that played songs from “tapes” back in the day) and serenades his love.  Classic!

“Cruel Summer” – Bananarama:  Karate Kid (1984). Weird, but every time I hear this song I think of a pre-Dancing with the Stars Ralph Machio playing soccer on the beach in Karate Kid.  What’s weird is that this song wasn’t played when he was playing soccer on the beach but rather when he was walking into his new high school.  The other weird thing is that as soon as I think of either of those scenes, I immediately say “Sweep the Leg Johnny”.  In a related Karate Kid remake note, nothing makes me think of Jaden Smith.

“I’m all right” – Kenny Loggins:  Caddyshack.  Sometimes when you hear a song or lyrics, you think of a person singing them.  When I hear the beginning of this song “I’m all right, nobody worry about me”, I think about a gopher dancing.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, see my advice on “Say Anything” and go rent or stream this movie.  One of the top comedies’s of all time.

“Poker Face” - Lady Gaga: Percy Jackson.  This is an interesting one, because I only recently put these two together.  The song came on the other day and I immediately thought of Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief.  I have written about this movie as one of the worst transitions from a book to a movie ever (although on 2^nd watching it wasn’t that bad since I forgot the plot of the book).  There is a scene in Las Vegas where the main characters are in a nightclub for a week (yeah, just go with it) and this song doesn’t stop playing.  I also think of the half boy half-goat busting a move on the dance floor.  Although like 8-tracks, the term bustin a move may have also gone out of style with Young M.C.

“All Star” – Smash Mouth: Shrek.  As soon as I hear the words “Somebody once told me the world is going to roll me” I immediately think of that green monster.  No, not people on Wall Street  but Shrek.  This movie is also responsible for me thinking of it when I hear the song “Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett.  Although, now that I think about that song I also think about the movie Kick-a$$.  So its like Shrek is competing with Kick A$$ for my attention.  Uh oh, the next time Bad Reputation plays I may end up like Sybil lying on the floor confused over whether I am Peggy or Helen.  Ok I may be breaking out obscure references here and honestly, I am not even sure how I got here since this was supposed to be about “All Star” and Shrek.

“Oh Yeah” – Yello:  Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  Seriously, as soon as you hear the  phrase “Ohhhh Yeah….Chicckkka Cowww” (or something like that) who doesn’t think of Cameron from Ferris Beullerr’s Day Off.  Also, who doesn’t think of Ferris’s scheme to hide the fact that they drove Cameron’s dad’s sports car by putting it up on blocks and driving it in reverse to remove the miles from the odometer.  Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Holding Out for A Hero” – Bonnie Tyler:  Streets of Fire.  This is a dilemma for me.  Every time I hear this song (just the other day in my car), I think of an obscure but awesome film called Streets of Fire.  It is basically about gangs and music and “stuff”.  However, I am not even sure this song was in the movie.  I even Googled it and am still not sure if it was in the movie.  But either way, anytime this song comes on I immediately think about this movie – especially the scene where the hero is held up by a guy with a knife, disarms him in about 3 seconds, gives the knife back to the thug and says “try again”.