The Fine Line Between Being Sick And Supporting Aquaman

OK, so I go to bed, hoping to get a good night’s sleep before a busy day.  15 minutes later, I know something is wrong.  Anxiety over who will be the next Bachelor? No.  Troubled over if Kayne and Kim’s son will run into trouble giving people directions? No.  Rather, I start to feel sick.  I visit WebMd on my phone to find out what’s wrong.

• Trouble breathing
• Feeling Disey
• Tightness in chest
• Search Results: Polio

OK, now something is really wrong.  I don’t want to wake my son who is sleeping on the floor, but I know I need to get to a bathroom.  I maneuver through the room like OJ Simpson used to go through airports in those Hertz commercials.

I drop to my knees in the hallway and crawl to the bathroom.  I lay my face right over the bowl and what do I pray for?

• To get it over with?  No
• To not get sick? No
• That my arms are strong enough so I don’t plunge right into the water?  Yes.

I don’t get sick but now a dilemma.  Should I stay like this or should sit upright.  It was like my own Sophie’s choice.  Things are getting worse.  I am now sweating and am as white as a ghost…or as Richie Incognito.

 

I think I start to hallucinate.  Sweating, I start to wonder about random things:

• Can I remember any of the Hanson “mmmmbop” brother’s names?
• Who were those Menudo kids?
• Will One Direction suffer the same fate?

I see some towels and put them on the floor thinking that I will just rest for a bit; mind you, half naked and on the cold tile of the bathroom.  I think I pass out for a bit because I wake up with my face pressed against the sink.

I think I meekly call out for help, but regret doing so as soon as I do it.  I mean, what will happen.  My kids will wake up, walk in to the bathroom and see their daddy lying on the tile.

• Hi Daddy, what ya doing?
• Call 911
• Daddy, draw me a picture
• Call 911
• Daddy, who would win in a fight – The Hulk or Aquaman?
• Call 91…wait what?  Are you kidding me?  How the heck do you think Aquaman will beat the Hulk?  Call 911
• OK Daddy, Fine.  How do you spell 911?

Anyway, I make my way downstairs thinking I just need to lay down on a couch.  It’s cold and dark so I randomly pick up articles of clothing to keep me warm.  I pick up some socks for my feet and hands.  I pick up a jacket from the kitchen and go to lie down.  I am restless.  I catch a glimpse of me in the mirror with mismatched red, brown and green socks on my hands and feet and a pink jacket.  I looked like a deranged Elf from Chucky the killer doll’s shelf.

I toss and turn all night and finally my kids come see my on the couch.

• Hi Daddy, can we have milk and waffles?
• Oh guys, Daddy doesn’t feel well. 
• OK, but um daddy um, can we have Waffles now?

My kids say a lot of things, but they never say this

20 things my kids never say

1. Oh, you’re in the bathroom, I'll wait until you come out to talk to you
2. It appears we disagree.  Let’s talk this out and not yell…or whine… or throw things
3. Daddy, let’s leave this toy store.  I don’t want anything
4. Shhh, let’s go back to sleep and wake up at a reasonable hour
5. While that candy looks appetizing, I don’t want to eat it or I will spoil my dinner
6. Wait!  Before I go outside, can you make sure I have on my jacket, gloves and hat
7. I don’t need a goodie bag, it’s their birthday party and it's not about me
8. Let me move back a few feet because I respect your personal space
9. More shampoo please
10. Let’s watch what YOU want to watch on TV
11. You look tired.  Let me sit here in silence while you rest
12. It’s OK, I’ll wait until you eat your dinner before asking you for something
13. Dear Santa.  All I want for Christmas is for peace on Earth
14. Let me ride my bike slowly around this turn, because you know, it's dangerous
15. I know we are out at a public place, so I will wait until we get home to throw a tantrum
16. Daddy, it’s my bedtime.  I want to put away all my toys and just go to sleep
17. I don’t care that it is the weekend, we should do homework because I have an ongoing thirst for knowledge
18. Quiet guys, Daddy is on the phone and we want to make sure he can hear the person he is talking to
19. We don't heat the whole world, let me close the door behind me
20. Daddy. (That’s it.  Just Daddy.  A single “Daddy”.  One time. Not followed up by Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!)